Bridesmaid-zilla

[bridetobeornottobe]

I am a BM for a close friend who has had to cancel her wedding / hen etc due to a Covid.

It was all booked etc and she is devastated. I suggested to the other bridesmaids that we send her some flowers on the weekend her hen was due to be (in Jan) and the wedding was supposed to be in 3 weeks and so suggested we do the same but with a bottle of champagne.

Almost everyone agreed it was a nice idea to show we are thinking of her, all they needed to do was transfer me £10.

Two have messaged me separately to say it's OTT and she's still getting married so there's nothing to be sad about and she didn't send them anything when one of them got promoted.

For reference - all in our 30s, these two are the only single ones in the BM group but we are all fine for money (earning 80k plus) and no kids.

AIBU to suggest this?

I just think if you're close enough to be her bridesmaid then just send over £10 and wish her well? I'm not asking them to organise anything etc.

[Daphnise]

Does anyone on MN earn less than 80K p.a.?

[ihaveallergies]

I hate when people (you) do things like this

It’s the same with online fundraisers or charity donations, you don’t have any right to tell people what to do with their money. You certainly don’t have any right to get angry/pissed off when they don’t want to participate. You should be understanding and move on without them, if you are a good person that is

It’s your idea, why do the rest of the group have to depart with their money? All those £10s here and there add up, regardless of whether you earn £80k or not. You’re not going to save money, become wealthy, buy a house etc if you frivolously waste money like this

[RootyT00t]

@Cheeseandlobster

It probably stings that you didnt celebrate the promotion. Its not about the money. Its about celebrating/ commisserating all occasions and not just some that you feel like acknowledging

You think a promotion in an 80k job is equatable to a cancelled wedding in covid?

Strange.

OP, no, it's very strange.

Are they even bothering to have an online hen?

[RootyT00t]

@VodkaSlimline

YABU. I'm sure it's no coincidence that it was the two single people who resisted this totally unnecessary plan. How rude of you to ignore their promotions. Celebrating career success is more important than celebrating the day someone should have had their hen do but didn't!

😂 I've heard it all now

[RootyT00t]

@JustLyra

It wasn’t just £10 though. It was £10, then whatever for champagne and then what happens next time it’s postponed?

And what if they have a host of cancelled weddings they are close to? We were due to go to four family weddings last year and five this year. Of the nine so far seven have been postponed. It starts to mount up.

And regardless of their salary you are not privvy to their outgoings.

Ooh I dunno, the cost for their good friend who has had their wedding cancelled might be 30 quid!!

[Reinventinganna]

It’s a really thoughtful idea but I think it should be just from you.

[BadLad]

@Daphnise

Does anyone on MN earn less than 80K p.a.?

Someone admitted to earning less than that once. I reported the post, and they were banned for trolling.

[DilemmaADay]

I’d have found it hard to muster up a load of sympathy for someone who’d had to delay their big day, but was nonetheless still with their Mr Right, and was still going to get a lovely wedding in the near future.
@bagamoyo1

This!!! I've been the person who has previously been single for a long period of time when everyone else was coupled up and its shit, without a lockdown. I was constantly putting hand in pocket for baby showers, hen parties, weddings, engagements, anniversaries etc, and felt as though I got nothing. I completely understand a little something for a cancelled hen do/wedding, but I wouldn't want to chip in if the wedding wasnt even cancelled, just pushed back, and I'd been alone during lock down. Stuff that for a game of soldiers

[Youllbeoldertoo]

@Cassilis haha Another classic MN response. Not sure how me saying it’s nice for one friend to send another friend a gift is self obsessed? Surely if I was self obsessed I wouldn’t understand anyone sending gifts? I think it’s nice to be kind, it must be hard for those who’ve had to cancel weddings. I’m really surprised at all the bitter singletons who are whining that it’s not fair...surely they are the self obsessed ones? As if they aren’t happy no one else can be?

[Chailatteplease]

I’ve had to postpone my wedding twice because of covid and no one sent me anything. Didn’t expect it either.

I think it’s a lovely gesture OP and you should send the gifts yourself. Also, agree that not everyone needs to get involved.

[Darkstar4855]

Sending champagne on the date her wedding should have been is a bit odd though. It’s a sad day, not one you want to celebrate.

And if I was a bridesmaid and already forking out for hen do, wedding gift, bridesmaid dress etc. then I probably would begrudge paying out even more money to the bride.

[BrightYellowDaffodil]

Really bad form to ask twice in a short space of time. People have their own shit going on at the moment and contributing to a joint present organised by someone else when you and the recipient can’t see each other is hardly much of a pleasurable gift-giving/bonding experience - it’s just sending a tenner into the void. I tend to think anyone who can’t immediately and unquestioningly accept a no shouldn’t be the organiser of group gifts anyway.

Absolutely this. YABU to assume that because someone has a higher salary they have lots of spare cash, or that this is the only wedding that they’re being asked to cough up for. Things like this are exactly why I loathe anything to do with hen events, because there’s always that bridesmaid who comes up with wonderful ideas that everyone else is guilt-tripped in to paying for - “I thought it would be nice to do X and it’s only £10”, “I’d like to do Y for the bride on Her Special Day and it’s only £10”, “Bride does love Z do I’ve ordered one as a special surprise, so would you mind sending me £10?” It adds up and up and UP.

And YA especially BU to suggest that it’s the single people who are the problem here because they just don’t see marriage as “a big deal”

[Cassilis]

[quote Youllbeoldertoo]@Cassilis haha Another classic MN response. Not sure how me saying it’s nice for one friend to send another friend a gift is self obsessed? Surely if I was self obsessed I wouldn’t understand anyone sending gifts? I think it’s nice to be kind, it must be hard for those who’ve had to cancel weddings. I’m really surprised at all the bitter singletons who are whining that it’s not fair...surely they are the self obsessed ones? As if they aren’t happy no one else can be?[/quote]
Well aren’t you a delight. I didn’t say you were self-obsessed, I said you were self-absorbed, and it was due to your dismissive response to WhoStoleYourCheese who was trying to explain why it’s hard for single people to always have to celebrate other people’s milestones like weddings and babies. I’m married but I certainly don’t see my single friends as ‘bitter simgletons’. I pity your friends. Or maybe they’re also self-absorbed.

[MollieBa]

I don’t expect a present or card for a promotion and have never received either but I think it’s a bit sad that women on here still see marriage as a huge achievement for women. I’ve worked far harder for most promotions than I did to meet and marry DH, that was luck and good fortune.

[bridetobeornottobe]

Christ, it's £10 in TOTAL. If they begrudge her that, maybe they shouldn't have agreed to be bridesmaids. We've spent no money so far on her wedding. Accommodation paid for by her, dresses etc paid for by her. Hen was refunded.

I've been single and had loads of friends get married - me being single didn't make me less happy for them.

She's a good friend to all of us, make a tonne of effort for everyone's birthday and she's gutted her wedding has been postponed.

[JustLyra]

How many bridesmaids is there if £10 each can buy two lots of flowers and a bottle of champagne?!

[mainsfed]

Nice drip feed about bride paying for accomodation.

[bridetobeornottobe]

@JustLyra it's just one lot of flowers, sorry I worded it wrong. There's 6 of us. I put in a bit extra for the flowers as once delivery was added in, it came to more to get nice ones.

[bridetobeornottobe]

@mainsfed why does that matter?

I agreed to be a bridesmaid long before I knew that

[Porridgeoat]

I think it’s fine for them not to contribute and give for you to organise a collection. Just send it from those that want to join in

[3court]

Wow. I'm puzzled about why it's not clear to you that it's nothing to do with the money?
It's about the fact you're asking them to buy into the idea that the someone's wedding and hen do are valued much more than their own significant positive life events which is somenting that they get from society every day which can be very tiresome.
And now as an extra icing on the cake the fact that the mere postponement of the wedding is still more important than their life events really does take it to a new level. Postponing a wedding is not a terrible thing to have happened. It's simply not getting the lovely thing exactly when you wanted and I find it very hard to have sympathy here. Loss, loneliness, financial disaster, illness, betrayal; these are all awful things. Not simply having to delay a celebration by a year.
I get it's only a tenner and "why can't they just do it" but I think the bigger picture is being overlooked here.

[RootyT00t]

@3court

Wow. I'm puzzled about why it's not clear to you that it's nothing to do with the money?
It's about the fact you're asking them to buy into the idea that the someone's wedding and hen do are valued much more than their own significant positive life events which is somenting that they get from society every day which can be very tiresome.
And now as an extra icing on the cake the fact that the mere postponement of the wedding is still more important than their life events really does take it to a new level. Postponing a wedding is not a terrible thing to have happened. It's simply not getting the lovely thing exactly when you wanted and I find it very hard to have sympathy here. Loss, loneliness, financial disaster, illness, betrayal; these are all awful things. Not simply having to delay a celebration by a year.
I get it's only a tenner and "why can't they just do it" but I think the bigger picture is being overlooked here.

Really? You can't see why someone would be upset by a cancelled wedding?

A promotion is not worthy of celebration IMO outside your own household.

[Youllbeoldertoo]

Well aren’t you a delight. I didn’t say you were self-obsessed, I said you were self-absorbed, and it was due to your dismissive response to WhoStoleYourCheese who was trying to explain why it’s hard for single people to always have to celebrate other people’s milestones like weddings and babies. I’m married but I certainly don’t see my single friends as ‘bitter simgletons’. I pity your friends. Or maybe they’re also self-absorbed.

@Cassilis

My apologies on self obsessed/absorbed (but they are the same no?)

Yes my poor friends who get gifts when they are having a hard time, I’m such an awful person. Thank you for pointing this out. You have truly been life changing.

I would say I feel sorry for your friends but it’s highly unlikely you have any at all.

[Cassilis]

^ Typical butt hurt response from someone whose true colours have been revealed. Enjoy your friendships with your ‘bitter singleton’ friends. Wonder if they know that’s how you think of them.

[Youllbeoldertoo]

@Cassilis I wasn’t talking about my friends when I said bitter singletons? At no point did I say my friends, I said the bitter singletons on here. I assumed you were one of them but as you said you’re married I will open that up to just bitter people in general who hate other people being happy.

Also, butt hurt is such a vile phrase. Do better.