Bridesmaid-zilla

[bridetobeornottobe]

I am a BM for a close friend who has had to cancel her wedding / hen etc due to a Covid.

It was all booked etc and she is devastated. I suggested to the other bridesmaids that we send her some flowers on the weekend her hen was due to be (in Jan) and the wedding was supposed to be in 3 weeks and so suggested we do the same but with a bottle of champagne.

Almost everyone agreed it was a nice idea to show we are thinking of her, all they needed to do was transfer me £10.

Two have messaged me separately to say it's OTT and she's still getting married so there's nothing to be sad about and she didn't send them anything when one of them got promoted.

For reference - all in our 30s, these two are the only single ones in the BM group but we are all fine for money (earning 80k plus) and no kids.

AIBU to suggest this?

I just think if you're close enough to be her bridesmaid then just send over £10 and wish her well? I'm not asking them to organise anything etc.

I think it’s OTT.
Also, I remember when I was single in my 30s, and lots of my friends were getting married, there were times when I felt pretty lonely, and wondered if it would ever happen for me. If I’d been in lockdown too, watching my opportunities to meet people disappearing in a haze of Covid tedium, I’d have felt really hard done by. I’d have found it hard to muster up a load of sympathy for someone who’d had to delay their big day, but was nonetheless still with their Mr Right, and was still going to get a lovely wedding in the near future.
Maybe that sounds bitter, but there it is.

I think they are miserable bastards.

We had similar with friends of ours and sent them champagne and afternoon tea - its nice to be nice and it's a shit thing to happen.

The the excuse is 🤣 I have NEVER received anything from anyone except more money from my boss for getting a promotion.

YANBU to ask, and they're ANBU to say no. I think you sound like a lovely friend and I'd be happy to contribute if it was one of my friends. I would never expect them (or anyone) to celebrate a promotion though!

You're the bridesmaid-zilla!

When my wedding was postponed my friend sent me some flowers and a bottle of gin on the actual day and I really appreciated it

Well yes @katy1213 that's obviously what I meant and have already said

@Bagamoyo1

I think it’s OTT. Also, I remember when I was single in my 30s, and lots of my friends were getting married, there were times when I felt pretty lonely, and wondered if it would ever happen for me. If I’d been in lockdown too, watching my opportunities to meet people disappearing in a haze of Covid tedium, I’d have felt really hard done by. I’d have found it hard to muster up a load of sympathy for someone who’d had to delay their big day, but was nonetheless still with their Mr Right, and was still going to get a lovely wedding in the near future. Maybe that sounds bitter, but there it is.

This 1000%

And not at all bitter, just honest and realistic.

These are really tough times to be single and then having to send presents for wedding delay is ridiculous.

Even in normal non covid times it gets tiresome handing over money for this that and the other in the run up to the wedding/hen/2nd hen/general circus that getting hitched has become.

They're not being unreasonable.

It's a nice thought from you OP and very sweet of you, but some won't want to.

OP I think you’ve done a lovely thing (my wedding was postponed and we really appreciated messages/ gifts we got on the day). Yes it will happen at some point but who knows when?! And when you’ve been looking forward to it and planned it for ages it is an emotional blow.

However, I don’t think the single bridesmaids are being unreasonable either - I am one of the last to get married in my group and it felt like we celebrated the early brides about a hundred times with nothing in return! They had engagement parties, bridesmaid days, hen parties, the wedding, then baby showers, christening, child’s first birthday - it goes on and on and does feel very one sided.

So go ahead and send your thoughtful gift but let the others bow out now

A friend arranged a small present for a mutual friend last year whose wedding had been postponed. I wouldn't have bothered if it had been up to me (bitter singleton :-) but I didn't mind chipping in (I think it was £5) and the friend really appreciated the thought, so I was glad we'd done it in the end. It was only the cost of buying her a commiseration beer, which I would have done in a heartbeat if we'd been able to see each other.

Bit OTT but you’re not in Zilla-land with this one IMO so I’d just chalk it up to ‘a nice idea that didn’t get traction’ and move on.

Why did you have to slip in how much you and your pals earn? Absolutely nothing to do with the situation at all.

However I do think the idea of getting her flowers and champagne is really kind of you. She would appreciate that.

If they are mutual friends rather than people you know well then you've likely no idea how they've been doing through the pandemic. A lot of single people have been very isolated and struggled. It's not particularly nice if your nice occasion has been completely ignored and yet you're expected to fawn over someone else's.

It's also quite presumptive that you declared them fine financially. I don't know the exact ins and outs of my friend's finances let alone mutal friends.

Are you saying that you're the zilla? Or that the other bridesmaids are?

I think this puts an obligation on people to contribute. Friend will presumably get married at some point so it would have been better to send flowers/champagne then.

It’s not like she’s the only one this has happened to.

@FrostyChocolateMilkshake I think if they earned less money and I was asking for a larger donation that might effect it so that's why i included.

£10 earning 80k is different from £80 earning £25k

They’re definitely not BM-Zillas. Except maybe the one expecting flowers and champagne for a promotion, watch out for her.

@MrsComte me

@mainsfed I'm the one who I think they see as bridesmaid dolls

@mainsfed zilla

@JackieWeaverFever

I think they are miserable bastards.

We had similar with friends of ours and sent them champagne and afternoon tea - its nice to be nice and it's a shit thing to happen.

The the excuse is 🤣 I have NEVER received anything from anyone except more money from my boss for getting a promotion.

Ok finally one i agree with. I think you sound a very thoughtful friend OP. If it isn't about affordability i think it is a bit sad that someone's closest friends thinks it's OTT to do something nice for them.

But each to their own send the presents and sign it from you and the others who want to be involved .

[quote bridetobeornottobe]@mainsfed I'm the one who I think they see as bridesmaid dolls[/quote]
Ah, I don’t think you’re a BM-Zilla.

It wasn’t just £10 though. It was £10, then whatever for champagne and then what happens next time it’s postponed?

And what if they have a host of cancelled weddings they are close to? We were due to go to four family weddings last year and five this year. Of the nine so far seven have been postponed. It starts to mount up.

And regardless of their salary you are not privvy to their outgoings.

I think you’re very thoughtful and it’s a lovely thing to do. Whenever I’ve been promoted or got a new job, the only thing I’ve had is a card from my parents!

I was supposed to go to a hen party this year and then a wedding so we all made a little video montage of us saying nice things. It was great. I then sent her champagne for the hen and flowers for the wedding from me. The other ladies baked cakes, took gin, flowers, lots of varied stuff. We weren't all bridesmaids either. I also earn less than half of 80k for ref. I did it because I love my friend and I thought the situation was all really shitty and she had no control over it.