Bridesmaid-zilla

[bridetobeornottobe]

I am a BM for a close friend who has had to cancel her wedding / hen etc due to a Covid.

It was all booked etc and she is devastated. I suggested to the other bridesmaids that we send her some flowers on the weekend her hen was due to be (in Jan) and the wedding was supposed to be in 3 weeks and so suggested we do the same but with a bottle of champagne.

Almost everyone agreed it was a nice idea to show we are thinking of her, all they needed to do was transfer me £10.

Two have messaged me separately to say it's OTT and she's still getting married so there's nothing to be sad about and she didn't send them anything when one of them got promoted.

For reference - all in our 30s, these two are the only single ones in the BM group but we are all fine for money (earning 80k plus) and no kids.

AIBU to suggest this?

I just think if you're close enough to be her bridesmaid then just send over £10 and wish her well? I'm not asking them to organise anything etc.

[1FootInTheRave]

I have a few acquaintances always collecting for some spurious reason.

It does get on my nerves a bit tbh.

[Ironmanrocks]

Trying to say I think you are doing a nice thing. I wouldn't have hesitated for £10 each.

[ladyvimes]

I think it is a nice gesture but as others have said they don’t have to do it. Maybe just get the bride something just from you.

[ElspethFlashman]

How is it only a tenner when it's 2 bouquets of flowers and a bottle of champagne?

Tbh I'd be irritated too. They'll be spending enough on the actual Hen and the actual Wedding when it happens. Now they're expected to contribute to hypothetical ones too? It's not the money it's the principle.

I'd be rolling my eyes out of my head tbh.

[Tiredmum100]

I think sending two lots of flowers is OTT. You sound like a lovely thoughtful friend but I can see what others aren't too bothered. I would have done just one collection with a card saying sorry your hen and wedding have been delayed.

[Hollywoodzc]

You need to remember that the other bridesmaids will have a different relationship with the bride to you. They may not have a gift giving type relationship so may not want to spend money on it or there may be history there, like the BM who said she didn’t acknowledge her promotion.
The difference in friendship style and the closeness of friendships has caused issues in most hen dos I’ve attended. You always get the best mate who wants to spend hundreds, then the ex colleague who wants to spend a tenner. Let people choose what is appropriate for them.

[saraclara]

People who get promotions expect gifts? WTF?

I would far rather spend money on cheering someone up who's feeling sad, than on someone who's already had some good fortune, personally. And to be so resentful that someone didn't reward you for some good news, that you're not prepared to make someone happy when they're sad, says an awful lot. That friend sounds horrible.

[24butfeeling80]

Send the flowers, only sign the note from those who chipped in for it.

They’ll soon be embarrassed.

[Shrivelled]

Weddings generally are so OTT now. They’re meant to be a union of 2 people who I expect were together on their meant to be wedding day anyway. I wouldn’t send flowers for that.

[CommanderBurnham]

Agree with PPs. Get her or both of them something on the day they were supposed get married. I wouldn't worry about the hen do. You've done the polite thing and offered the gesture out for others to contribute. It's ok that they don't want to, their choice.

[okokok000]

You're not unreasonable to ask, but equally they're not unreasonable in saying no.

Whilst it is a nice idea, they don't need to explain their reasoning, saying no is enough and their salary is irrelevant. They don't owe an explanation. Realistically if everything has only been postponed then presumably they're still going to have the expense of the hen, paying for the bride, wedding and gift.

[Ginevere]

Forget the hen party, send flowers and champagne on the meant to be wedding date with a message signed from everyone who contributed.

Message back to the two who messaged and say it’s fine, you’ll go ahead without them.

Easy!

[lioncitygirl]

i did this - tho we only sent it on the day it was supposed to happen.

Thoughtful of you OP, but not unreasonable if they dont want to join in. Just collect from those who want to and sign those names.

[DavidsSchitt]

It's too much. You should've forgot about the hen do and arranged to call her for a chat with a couple of drinks and then if you really must send flowers on the wedding date do that

Where does it end?

[millenialblush]

Everyone has their own shit going on. Yes it's sad that their wedding has been postponed, but it's probably not at the forefront of anyone else's minds, especially if they're rearranging. If you earn £80k+ you can afford to send her some flowers from yourself and some champers, no one else needs to be involved.

[Hydrate]

Fine for you to do it if you wish to, but unreasonable to expect other people to fall in line just because you thought it would be nice.

[MuddleMoo]

I'd just do the one for the wedding if it were me and if I was that wealthy I'd just do it myself.

It's their money you can't get annoyed that they don't have the same priorities as you.

[MiddleParking]

Really bad form to ask twice in a short space of time. People have their own shit going on at the moment and contributing to a joint present organised by someone else when you and the recipient can’t see each other is hardly much of a pleasurable gift-giving/bonding experience - it’s just sending a tenner into the void. I tend to think anyone who can’t immediately and unquestioningly accept a no shouldn’t be the organiser of group gifts anyway.

[pursuedbyablackdog]

YABU.
They are still getting married and I assume they will be giving the B & G a gift. I'd be pissed off if someone asked me to give for flowers AND then champagne. If you want to to it that's cool, totally irritating to expect others to dip into their pockets. Totally irrelevant how much they earn. I loath being asked to give to a communal pot, for several reasons, but the main one being I like to give gifts which are personal to that person. Baby showers, for example, I'd much rather get something nice for mum, than yet another bloody baby-grow! I love choosing my own presents for people, because it shows that person I am thinking of them and choosing something individual. It's the same when parents want money for a teachers gift...just no! Again I like to choose something special for each teacher / TA. To be fair I normally have a face like thunder when the class pet parent approaches me for money, they take one look and then scarper!

[SeasonFinale]

For the wedding maybe but notthe hen do. And again probably something I would personally do rather than ask other people to contribute.

[mainsfed]

Actually, the one who mentioned her promotion, maybe she won't get married and wants her other milestones recognised?

[Pukkatea]

I'm a bridesmaid to someone whose wedding has been postponed twice now and honestly I'm exhausted and annoyed with all of this sort of stuff. We had to cancel her hen so sent her gifts and did a fake virtual one, we had another call and gift for her cancelled wedding, her family sent her gifts etc. honestly I agree that it's all too much. Being a bridesmaid is already a bit of a pain and by the time she is married she will have had an engagement gift, wedding gift, cancelled hen gift, cancelled wedding gift from me on top of an engagement party, bridesmaids weekend, virtual hen do, real hen do, extra hen do for those who can't come to the main one, meal before the wedding day and the day itself. It sucks to postpone a wedding but everyone has had a shit time in this pandemic and they don't get gifts for everything they missed out on.

[sbhydrogen]

Ha! I've never been sent anything for getting a promotion, nor have I ever sent anything to congratulate a friend. However, of course I would send some flowers and a bottle of champagne to a close friend who was supposed to get married. Also (in theory) you only get married once, right? You can be promoted dozens of times.

Your friends are being unreasonable.

[mopphead]

Agree with consensus - you're not wrong to ask, they're not wrong to say no. You are unreasonable to be annoyed. It's up to them, and you don't know their financial situation - maybe they are saving for something, or have debt, or whatever. Maybe they find it all OTT. Just send them yourself, it's a lovely idea and I'm sure she'll appreciate.

[HunterHearstHelmsley]

I can definitely see both sides.

Not the same situation but I had had to have a small operation. Another friend had a similar but less invasive op. I was made out to be the devil incarnate when I didn't want to pitch in for flowers. I probably would have if they had for me. It may sound mean but friendship is give and take.

Also, it's not up to anyone else to decide what anyone else should or shouldn't do. Sending wine and champagne is great. Not sending it is fine too.