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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bridesmaid-zilla

166 replies

bridetobeornottobe · 03/03/2021 17:07

I am a BM for a close friend who has had to cancel her wedding / hen etc due to a Covid.

It was all booked etc and she is devastated. I suggested to the other bridesmaids that we send her some flowers on the weekend her hen was due to be (in Jan) and the wedding was supposed to be in 3 weeks and so suggested we do the same but with a bottle of champagne.

Almost everyone agreed it was a nice idea to show we are thinking of her, all they needed to do was transfer me £10.

Two have messaged me separately to say it's OTT and she's still getting married so there's nothing to be sad about and she didn't send them anything when one of them got promoted.

For reference - all in our 30s, these two are the only single ones in the BM group but we are all fine for money (earning 80k plus) and no kids.

AIBU to suggest this?

I just think if you're close enough to be her bridesmaid then just send over £10 and wish her well? I'm not asking them to organise anything etc.

OP posts:

Chouxbuncity · 04/03/2021 17:10

Wow, do people buy friends presents if they get a promotion? Never considered that. Would definitely say well done but never thought to do anymore than that.

Somatronic · 04/03/2021 17:18

I think they're being miserable.

Nobody did anything for my postponed wedding and I was fairly surprised that they (or my family) didn't make any effort whatsoever. They did send presents on the date of the cancelled hen, in fairness, but I didn't expect anything for the hen as it's not that big a deal. I did expect some sort of token for the wedding date but there you go.

You should send her something yourself to let her know you're thinking of her.

Hidinginstaircupboard · 04/03/2021 17:31

But it's 2 lots of tenners in 3 weeks and the hen do and wedding costs and presents still to come as wedding is only postponed.... . and that's just one maybe of this b&g's other bridesmaid's OTHER friends who may have also had their weddings postponed (it may be a bumper year next year including postponed weddings!) and big birthdays gifts missed or anniversary celebrations ... not just next years due ones but ones that were missed this year and have equally sent presents for. It could get expensive...

It's doubling up costs when people are facing possible job cuts and redundancies . OP can't possibly know how their finances are or how stable their incomes are. She's just assuming.

All these bridesmaids have already chipped into a bouquet of flowers and 'thinking of you' for the missed hen-do.

So... op asked but a couple bridesmaids said 'no thanks ' to her suggestion of them chipping also into a bottle of very expensive champagne to mark her friend's missed wedding.

Why can't OP take their no for a reasonable answer? It doesn't stop OP sending a gift herself nor mean that the other bridesmaids can't send what THEY feel is appropriate, - even if it's just a text or message on the day (having already sent flowers 3 weeks prior acknowledging postponed hen-do/ wedding)

It's over the top. And OP needs to learn to accept "no thanks" and do what she wants without expecting others to fund most of what she wants to send to her friend.

ReggaetonLente · 04/03/2021 17:34

I'm surprised at the responses, i think its a lovely idea and would have transferred the tenner without a second thought. Postponing your wedding against your wishes is a big deal!

mainsfed · 04/03/2021 18:04

@ReggaetonLente and that's fine, but it's also fine not to want to contribute so many times. Once for cancelled-hen flowers, then cancelled-wedding champagne, then inevitably actual-hen and actual-wedding.

MrsComte · 04/03/2021 18:16

My hen and wedding has been cancelled twice due to covid, once in July last year and again in November. It's now postponed to next year.

I would have been mortified if one of my friends had pressured others into paying for cancellation gifts for me. I already feel bad enough about the time and money they've spend booking/cancelling hotels travel etc, not to mention the cost of attending the wedding in the first place.

I've been to many weddings and with hen do/hotels/trains etc you can easily spend hundreds just to attend.

I absolutely do not want people wasting more money to make me feel better!

harknesswitch · 04/03/2021 18:21

I think it's a lovely idea. But just send a bouquet for the amount collected and be specific when you say who they are from

ReggaetonLente · 04/03/2021 22:39

@mainsfed well yes, but its a tenner. The equivalent of one extra cocktail on the postponed hen. And this is someone you're close enough to to be a bridesmaid for!

I just personally don't get it, i think its a bit tight and mean-spirited. Fine if they explained that they were struggling with finances and wanted to contribute but couldn't. I'm sure the OP would be more than understanding.

But to say no because no one sent you anything when you got promoted is just strange, in my opinion! At least it would be in my friendship group. That's all i can go on.

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 22:51

I think it's a lovely gesture OP and I'd have transferred a tenner too. And I don't earn 80k either. 😆

BadLad · 04/03/2021 23:04

While this agonising over champagne and flowers is going on, the best man and other stag party guests probably sent the groom an email saying tough shit. hopefully July? or something.

LucieStar · 04/03/2021 23:12

@BadLad

While this agonising over champagne and flowers is going on, the best man and other stag party guests probably sent the groom an email saying tough shit. hopefully July? or something.

😂

purpledagger · 04/03/2021 23:21

I agree, it's OTT to send flowers AND champagne for a postponed wedding.

AlienSpecies2021 · 05/03/2021 00:33

these two are the only single ones in the BM group but we are all fine for money (earning 80k plus) and no kids

So just because the bride to be is upset at postponing her wedding you think she needs almost £100 spending on her to make her feel better?

I would decline to take part in that.
It's interesting that you've noticed that they're the only single two BM's and think you can pass judgement on their finances......

I'm guessing the BM who used the analogy of a promotion to get her message across is feeling pissed off.
'Single' people pay the full expense whereas the 'coupled up' have someone to share expenses with - try to remember your own single days.....
The other thing is - other than birthdays and xmas/special occasion - where does it stop? Engagement/BM/hen/wedding.gifts costs....then the pregnancy/babyshower/birth stuff that usually comes after......that's a lot of money to be spending on one person......so you need to have boundaries.
It's a bit like spending hundreds for 'family gifts' each year when you're 'single with no kids' and some people just expect you to be rolling in the money...and judging your finances....

eaglejulesk · 05/03/2021 04:17

I would send the champagne from yourself OP, and not do anything for the cancelled hen do. Or else send it from those who are in agreement (how many bridesmaids are there btw??). It's such a little thing and the two who think it is OTT are being petty. Yes, she will still be getting married, but to have to postpone is a disappointment.

As for the one whinging she wasn't sent anything when she was promoted - that's just pathetic.

Hidinginstaircupboard · 06/03/2021 17:23

I think the problem was that champagne OP wanted to send was ++++ expensive at £10 each bridesmaid if they chose to join in.., so at least £50-100.

Ain't nobody need that expensive champagne. OP can send cheaper champagne or a flavoured gin bottle or something nice from herself only as the bridesmaids have already contributed to a lovely bouquet of flower gift. This friends wedding is only postponed so they still have costs to find funds for...

IMO oP is going overboard for her own reasons

ElderMillennial · 06/03/2021 19:06

YANBU to suggest it

YABU to think they are wrong to say no just because you think it's a good idea

ElderMillennial · 06/03/2021 19:09

It also depends on the bus ground, things like whether the bride has failed to acknowledge events for the others. A friend of mine had her wedding snd hen postponed due to covid. If we are able to safely go to the wedding then we would go but if we don't I've thought about what we would give as a gift given that she was unable to attend my wedding and hen as she was genuinely busy both weekends but she could have sent a gift yet she didn't bother.

Youllbeoldertoo · 07/03/2021 07:26

@bridetobeornottobe

Op you’re doing a lovely thing. MN is the wrong place to ask as MN hates:

hens
weddings
people doing group gifts
spending money
happiness

A tenner is nothing and it’s a lovely idea. They are being tit for tat and bitchy. They don’t want to give because she didn’t send anything for a promotion? Come off it. I’d feel the same as you OP. Just do it without them and take their names off it.

tradition · 07/03/2021 10:58

I think it's a lovely gesture from you and correct that you asked them. Imagine if you had just gone ahead and only sent something from yourself, I expect they would not have been happy about being excluded.
A promotion is completely different to a postponed wedding. Sometimes BMs are not even close to (or even known to) each other, (only the bride) so that may be why the promoted one didn't get any congratulations from the other BMs

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 07/03/2021 11:25

Notwithstanding I think a good deal of the brouhaha surrounding weddings these days is OTT, all you've done is make an altruistic gesture for a friend.

Of course, this doesn't put anyone under obligation to contribute. They can say 'no' for whatever reason (or no reason) they deem fit.
But seriously. It would never occur to me to expect my friends to ply me with chocolates, flowers and champagne because I'd achieved
a promotion. If I'd wanted to celebrate (which wouldn't be on my radar in any case) I'd invite them over for wine, snacks or in today's climate a Zoom party.

How self-absorbed do you have to be to refuse this - when you're someone's bridesmaid - because no one made a big song and dance about your promotion?

Kinell: me, me, me.

Elbels · 07/03/2021 11:29

I'm a bride who has cancelled two weddings and received one significant promotion in the last 12 months.

My brilliant bridesmaids, and actually other friends, sent us some very thoughtful gifts around the cancellation date of the first wedding. I wasn't expecting them and it was so lovely of them.

I also arranged for a gift box to be sent to a friend on the date of her cancelled wedding and some flowers.

I wouldn't expect anything for a promotion though so maybe I'm weird.

GreenSlide · 07/03/2021 11:33

I'm part of a group that sends flowers and gifts to some people if they as much as fart, and others don't get any at all even when they've been through a lot. So I don't engage any more and I'm guessing that's what your friends have decided to do too. I don't think either of you are BU.

WhoStoleMyCheese · 07/03/2021 11:42

@Youllbeoldertoo who's happiness though?
Everyone wants to be celebrated - as pp have pointed out couples have the wedding,babies,etc. Single people get nothing - and if you were single and not liking it in a pandemic it's a bit like a slap in the face when someone's 'devastation' about putting off a wedding is made out to be such a big deal.
It's OP's prerogative to organise collections but she shows a real lack of empathy for her single friends - which I came up against a lot when I was single...

Youllbeoldertoo · 07/03/2021 13:10

@WhoStoleMyCheese classic MN response.

Cassilis · 07/03/2021 13:42

@Youllbeoldertoo you sound very self-absorbed

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