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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is my friend really overstepping?

275 replies

crazyandbeyonce · 03/03/2021 16:37

I work a super high stress job. It can be quiet at times but when it flares up, I can work 16 hour days with barely a chance to breathe. This week has been like that.

I have a very very close but very demanding friend. She's wonderful but she is in touch A LOT.

This is usually fine and we chat throughout the day but today I told her I literally couldn't chat because I was absolutely snowed under. I don't think I've had a work week so stressful for years.

Nonetheless my friend messaged me incessantly all day. I replied several times to reiterate that I wasn't ignoring her but really couldn't talk. I was close to tears with work stress today.

I was due to go for a walk with another friend after work and did manage to get to it, albeit an hour late.

I needed to massively decompress, so I didn't read or answer my demanding friend's messages (I checked they weren't urgent but they weren't) and went off for my walk.

My friend then text again to ask if I was ok. At this point I lied.

I told her I had cancelled my walk with my other friend and was still stuck working,

I know I shouldn't have lied...I know. I was just tired and needed to not read and reply to her stream of consciousness from the day. I wanted a quiet walk with a calming friend.

This would've been fine and would've given me a much needed breather and break from the screen, except what I didn't know is that she'd already called my au pair (!!!!) to ask where I was (under the guise of checking if I was ok as she hadn't heard from me for hours). My au pair told her I'd gone out for a walk with my other friend, thus revealing my lie.

She sent me a message after to say how hurtful it was that I'd gone out but hadn't replied to her and accusing me of lying (which I was). I managed to convince her the au pair had her wires crossed, but not sure she believed me. I should've confessed right away but my brain was just fried from work and completely blown away that she'd checked up on me, despite knowing exactly where I was and that I was snowed under

I now have to deal with this tomorrow. Both the fact I lied AND the fact that I'm overwhelmed and disturbed that she checked up on me.

AIBU to know I shouldn't have lied but to think this was crazy behaviour on her part?

How would you handle this now? I'm dreading that I have to deal with this when I talk to her next.

This is the second time she's had the hump because I've been too distracted with work (and she's a career woman herself so this really surprises me).

OP posts:

ElderMillennial · 05/03/2021 18:09

There are lots of threads like this on MN at the moment.

What I don't understand is why you repeatedly texted her to tell her you are busy. Is that right? If you're busy, don't reply. She'll get the hint.

Templetree · 05/03/2021 18:16

@Folklore9074

If you are having a really busy day switch you phone off or just don't answer any messages, leave them unread. You shouldn't have lied but ultimately this is about you needing to set boundaries.

This I turn my sound off and lock it in my desk drawer if Im really busy.

Madamum18 · 05/03/2021 18:17

Tell her the truth.
I am really busy at work and you refuse to respect that. It's adding to my stress. Yes, I lied. I needed some time to relax but you won't accept that and I was trying to spare your feelings.

Either she will take a good look at herself and stop being so demanding or she'll be so offended she'll chuck her dummy and the problem will solve itself

I agree with this. And tell her that her continuous contact is not helping you, it is causing you more stress.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/03/2021 18:24

@VettiyaIruken

Tell her the truth. I am really busy at work and you refuse to respect that. It's adding to my stress. Yes, I lied. I needed some time to relax but you won't accept that and I was trying to spare your feelings.

Either she will take a good look at herself and stop being so demanding or she'll be so offended she'll chuck her dummy and the problem will solve itself. 🤷‍♀️

I like this approach.

Not the 'one text a day' as suggested by a PP, it's supposed to be a friendship and you'd possibly start resenting the one text because it's been stipulated as an agreement of sorts.

PunishmentSnart · 05/03/2021 18:34

What was it that was so important that she needed to text so much & phone another person to see where you were?

Cosmos45 · 05/03/2021 18:36

@Unicant

Who tells their friend they've been 'abandoned' because they haven't spent as much time together that week? Thats crazy... You seem to have found the highest maintenance group of friends in the world here OP dont apologise or let this dynamic continue youve done absolutely nothing wrong.. these women are acting like they are 12 year old school girls. Adult friendships shouldnt be this manipulative and draining.

Exactly this.. I am an adult with a responsible job that pays the bills - this comes first 9.00am - 5.30pm mon - friday unless a medical emergency. Luckily I am friends with people that have the same "problem" in life. Work huh?

cateycloggs · 05/03/2021 18:45

Has anyone mentioned telling your au pair to take a message and say you will get back to them when you can rather than explain your movements. Unless it is to close family/emergency of course.

I made a similar mistake once with a flatmate years ago and still think about it. You have a right to privacy and to use your time as you wish.

drinkstoomuchwine · 05/03/2021 18:47

I couldn’t bear the manipulation or the drama.
Wondering what you get out of these friendships OP?

Whenigrowupiwanttobea · 05/03/2021 18:51

So, even after you talked to her about it she still refused to accept that she has been a pia and still tries to control you by saying she never wants to see you again! Let her get on with it and enjoy the peace and quiet until she decides to manipulate you again!

tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict · 05/03/2021 18:55

Phones and social media have turned so many people into children with no impulse control and without the ability to delay gratification. This situation is crazy. I had a similar situation with an overbearing friend who had a go at me for not inviting her to something she saw I had been to on FB. Rather than being honest and tell her that there were loads of people i didn't invite and that there is nothing wrong with that I lied and told her I got the tickets given at the last minute. She knows the organiser so I suspect she found out I lied. It is annoying because I ended up being in the wrong when initially i hadn't been. But there is something about this type of person who doesn't respect boundaries or listen to cues that can easily force you into that position I think. Anyway, if you want to keep her as a friend I would be honest and explain why you lied. If you don't I would take this as an out.

thenovice · 05/03/2021 19:09

"I kept telling you I was stressed, busy and couldn't talk. You didn't take any notice and kept texting. So I lied. Sorry. I really needed space and fresh air. I am still your friend. I just can't respond to all your texts while I am working."

KatharinaRosalie · 05/03/2021 19:13

So you tell your so called friends that you are insanely busy at work, working 16 hour days, barely time to wipe your nose. Their reply, if they were friends: Can we do something to help you this week?
Their actual reply: But what about meeeeeee...let's all talk about meeee! Why aren't you replying to my random messages that are way more important than anything that might be going on in your life?

They are no friends.

Whippyflipp · 05/03/2021 19:14

This is all so weird, I wouldn't have anytime for friends behaving like this, what country are you in? Is it a cultural difference? To me it just sounds completely crazy! And to have both friends saying the same thing AND she checked up on you? Wow! My friends would be offering support if I was that busy and tired. Doesn't sound healthy at all!

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 05/03/2021 19:16

Au Pair has her wires crossed but regardless what the hell gave you the right to check up on me?! What I do is none of your business and I am in no way accountable to you.

Would have sufficed. You owe her nothing she sounds like a nutter!

Swashbuckled · 05/03/2021 19:28

Your friend is batshit, with borderline personality disorder to boot.
Keep the brilliant boundaries suggested above, but try to find a sense of amusement in it rather than just stress and anxiety.
Watch her escalate into a trillion text tantrums.
Like you would with your toddler who was kicking and screaming in the supermarket aisle for want of a lollipop (you know that it wouldn’t be kind to give him one).
It won’t work, and you’re not her mother, but it might help you learn to find some comedy in this dreadful situation before you cut the apron strings.

Odile13 · 05/03/2021 19:37

I don’t blame you for lying. I think you’ve been backed into a corner. Your friend has gone too far. She may be well intentioned but the level of contact she wants is too much for you. I would probably tell her this as kindly as possible and if she is a true friend who cares for you she will understand. You can’t run yourself ragged to accommodate her.

SeaShoreGalore · 05/03/2021 19:37

she told me she also felt abandoned by me this week

Christ-sake - what are you, their mum?

Evan456 · 05/03/2021 19:40

Just don’t answer her texts til the end of the day, simple! No need to explain or apologise, she’ll soon Get the message

kunterbunting · 05/03/2021 19:43

OP, I'd stick with the 'after work walk' friend, and detach yourself completely from the batshit controlling one.

IME (which is lengthy, now), it's better to have lots of friends/people you like doing things with - but not too much overlap between friends. "Friendship groups" are things that Year 8 girls have, not adults.

Contacting your au pair is unhinged behaviour, and well beyond the remit of friendship. In MN world, I'd say you should tell her to sod off, but IRL, I'd probably send her a message saying "let's catch up some time", and then ignore all her messages from then onwards.

kunterbunting · 05/03/2021 19:43

I would have lied, too, btw.

23PissOffAvenueWF · 05/03/2021 19:44

I am cringing so hard for your ‘abandoned’ friends. How completely embarrassing. And the other one actually said / texted this to you??

If you hear a friend is having a busy / shitting week, you drop a bottle of wine or some chocolates over. You don’t whine about being ‘abandoned’. 😳

23PissOffAvenueWF · 05/03/2021 19:46

It’s perfectly possible to have friendship groups that function normally and healthily when you’re all mature grown-ups.

CruCru · 05/03/2021 19:48

Honestly? I think if this person gets back in touch, it’s important to be factual. You were busy at work and told her you were busy but by the end of the day you’d had 7 / 12 /17 separate messages from her. That level of communication just can’t happen if you’re going to be able to do your job.

CruCru · 05/03/2021 19:50

@thenovice

I like this.

Lovely13 · 05/03/2021 19:51

Tell her she needs to calm down if you are to remain friends.

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