Or is my friend really overstepping?

[crazyandbeyonce]

I work a super high stress job. It can be quiet at times but when it flares up, I can work 16 hour days with barely a chance to breathe. This week has been like that.

I have a very very close but very demanding friend. She's wonderful but she is in touch A LOT.

This is usually fine and we chat throughout the day but today I told her I literally couldn't chat because I was absolutely snowed under. I don't think I've had a work week so stressful for years.

Nonetheless my friend messaged me incessantly all day. I replied several times to reiterate that I wasn't ignoring her but really couldn't talk. I was close to tears with work stress today.

I was due to go for a walk with another friend after work and did manage to get to it, albeit an hour late.

I needed to massively decompress, so I didn't read or answer my demanding friend's messages (I checked they weren't urgent but they weren't) and went off for my walk.

My friend then text again to ask if I was ok. At this point I lied.

I told her I had cancelled my walk with my other friend and was still stuck working,

I know I shouldn't have lied...I know. I was just tired and needed to not read and reply to her stream of consciousness from the day. I wanted a quiet walk with a calming friend.

This would've been fine and would've given me a much needed breather and break from the screen, except what I didn't know is that she'd already called my au pair (!!!!) to ask where I was (under the guise of checking if I was ok as she hadn't heard from me for hours). My au pair told her I'd gone out for a walk with my other friend, thus revealing my lie.

She sent me a message after to say how hurtful it was that I'd gone out but hadn't replied to her and accusing me of lying (which I was). I managed to convince her the au pair had her wires crossed, but not sure she believed me. I should've confessed right away but my brain was just fried from work and completely blown away that she'd checked up on me, despite knowing exactly where I was and that I was snowed under

I now have to deal with this tomorrow. Both the fact I lied AND the fact that I'm overwhelmed and disturbed that she checked up on me.

AIBU to know I shouldn't have lied but to think this was crazy behaviour on her part?

How would you handle this now? I'm dreading that I have to deal with this when I talk to her next.

This is the second time she's had the hump because I've been too distracted with work (and she's a career woman herself so this really surprises me).

- I heard from the other friend because I'd dropped her a line about something separate and she told me she also felt abandoned by me this week

I would be furious with both of them. Felt abandoned? How utterly pathetic.

@crazyandbeyonce
Does this person actually improve your life at all?

I mean they seem like they are detrimental to your life.

Humans are a renewable resource don't fret over getting rid of the ones you don't want in your life and replacing them with someone better.

Theres not a shortage

She comes across as a stalker. I wouldn’t even feel bad for lying tbh. Tell her you’re stressed, taking an indefinite break from texting, and ignore all messages forthwith.

They can all fuck off.

@crazyandbeyonce

5zeds - I did tell her that. When work really started to get busy, I sent a final message to say I was busy and couldn't look at her messages. I didn't message her again until 8 hours later when she chased me up (at which point I lied in the hope I could just have a moment's peace and wouldn't be obligated to reply).

In that 8 hours, she'd sent several texts, including one staring text 'I know you're busy but...'

I feel crap for lying, I really do. I just was at a loss as to how to be 'allowed' to just have some peace.

I have set this boundary with her re work one before. It's not the first time.

While I do need to set much clearer boundaries, I also feel that she should be respecting the boundaries I've set.

I had to learn this lesson once too.

You don't expect others to give you your boundaries. They can't give you what's already yours. You don't negotiate to be allowed boundaries. You don't need anybody's permission.

You have boundaries by simply having them. They're not a statement of intent (although you may choose to do that too). Boundaries are an action.

Anyone who is rude to you about having a boundary, you walk away from. Permanently if necessary.

You don't have to justify or explain a boundary. The other person doesn't have to like it and their feelings about it are their problem, not yours to fix.

It's ok if they're not ok with your boundaries. You don't have to dismantle your boundaries because someone else doesn't like them.

If you find you've never got or can't keep any nice friends, perhaps look at your boundaries in case they're unreasonable. Otherwise, you're doing fine.

So in this case your necessary action to maintain your boundary was to ignore any messages after you'd told her you were busy (or just ignore without telling her you're busy, you don't owe her a response) and deal with the messages when you next felt like it.

If your heart sinks every time her name pings up on the phone listen to that. If you never feel like dealing with her messages, listen to that. It's your subconscious telling you you don't want to be friends with her.
You've every right to be angry with her for blowing up at you when you insisted on having your boundaries and called her out for trying to bust them down.

Why was she angry? You did nothing wrong. She doesn't have a right to bust your boundaries. A friend wouldn't do that. Even a stranger who is a reasonable person wouldn't do that. Her anger was unjustified. If she comes back to you it should be to apologize for her behaviour. She wouldn't have caught you out in your white lie if she hadn't been obsessively stalking you. She's the unreasonable one, not you.

AmberItsACertainty

Your post at 06.01

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

I too had to learn this lesson, in my case the hard way!

People like that don't respect your boundaries, I tried telling my ex friend that I'd call later/ tomorrow/ next week etc but that was never convenient for her. I was once on my way to hospital for a minor OP when she text, I text back and said I'd call later if I was up to it. Ignored the text back trying to pin me down for a time.
Picked up my phone in recovery and there were 13 missed calls from her.

Sorry but your friends sound infantile, throwing a strop because mummy isn't giving them enough attention. This is not a healthy situation, your friendships are way too intense, and I would take a massive step back if I were you.

Are you the group counsellor for your friendship group? I think you should start charging...

I also think you’re other friend is out of order. You spell out that you’re stressed and under pressure and their immediate response is ‘but what about me?’. I bet that wouldn’t be your first thought if it was the other way around.

It’d be very nice to allow for current circumstances but imho they both sound like drains. You’re not even expecting them to be a sounding boards for you but stepping back to deal with what you need to and they still think it’s absolutely fine to pile on guilt trips. I’d step back and reassess my place in your friendship group tbh because there will be a ripple effect no matter what you do. I couldn’t cope with people who completely ignored my needs and I’d end up resenting them anyway.

Awful friends. You’re working 16 hour days, you can’t be expected to chatter to them throughout the day.

Make a rule for yourself. Don’t read or reply to personal texts in work time. Set a time each evening after tea to scroll through any bits and bobs and send one reply, then relax and unwind.

It’s ok to go for a walk with your friend but you should have been honest about it. Your friends were texting while you were working so can’t expect a reply in work time. Your walking friend was seen in non working time. You have nothing to hide.

I would block both "friends" OP.
And I would have done that a long time ago too...
They can have each other, text each other all day long and all night too if they want.
You'll feel relieved once it's done.

My sister and mum often chat constantly on WhatsApp, nothing important, but it annoys me when I'm busy at work, especially as it goes to my fitbit. I just mute them, and catch up with the chat when I get a chance...they are reasonable people and know I'm busy whilst they aren't working at all so they respect that.

Who tells their friend they've been 'abandoned' because they haven't spent as much time together that week? Thats crazy...
You seem to have found the highest maintenance group of friends in the world here
OP dont apologise or let this dynamic continue youve done absolutely nothing wrong.. these women are acting like they are 12 year old school girls. Adult friendships shouldnt be this manipulative and draining.

@crazyandbeyonce

I didn't reply at all! I had neither the time nor the energy to address it. I should do but I'm glad of the peace for a bit meanwhile.

No you shouldn't.

Leave her be, she's no friend

@crazyandbeyonce

Glad (or perhaps shocked?) to see there are people out there with even crazier friends.

For those who wondered - I heard from the other friend because I'd dropped her a line about something separate and she told me she also felt abandoned by me this week.

And no, I absolutely do not like the drama. I can't stand it and I find this whole approach to friendship very infantile. I feel like I'm back on the playground and I really hate it.

If friends can't cope without hearing from you for a week they've got too much time on their hands.

Tell them you have a job to do, and you'll message them if and when you're free.

Or alternatively, tell them to get lost

I had a male colleague like this. Wouldn’t leave me alone when I said I was busy, kept chat going and complained when I didn’t answer. Text me if I wasn’t in on time, lots of crossing boundaries etc. I tried my best to keep the peace and spare his feelings, but it was affecting my work life and I even felt stressed at home about it. The last straw came when my boss wanted to speak to me and I wasn’t available. Colleague text me and I replied with something like “I must be in trouble” with a laughing emoji as we both knew I wasn’t. This colleague then phoned the boss to say I was worried and could the boss tell him what it’s about so he could pass on the message. It ended with me putting a harassment complaint in about colleague. I felt guilty until Dh pointed out he has no guilt about saying whatever he likes to me.

Sounds like you usually have regular contact during the day which isn’t usually a problem but that when you need time away, your firmed either doesn’t appreciate you need it rather than just overstating how busy you really are and this is where you need to concentrate. Ok you shouldn’t have lied but she didn’t really give you much option did she. Don’t let this spoil a good friendship it instead use it as an opportunity to clarify things.

I think you need to be more assertive and that could apply to your friend and your work.

Your friend needs to stop being so needy and you either turn off your phone or ignore her texts when she is bombarding you. You also should not be working 16 hr days and there is something wrong if that is expected of you, your employer should maybe looking at your work load or you should be delegating more.

You told a white lie to your friend as she was hassling you for attention, don’t feel guilty about that. If the friendship is one sided and she is draining you off your energy then bin her off and spend more time with your walking mate. You sound a nice person being taken advantage of both at work and in personal friendships.

I can't get around my head around women with families, that work, using the word "abandoned" in connection with contact with each other...over ONE week.

Hilarious 🙄

You could say sending and receiving unnecessary text messages is regarded as bad practice during working hours? It distracts you from the task in hand.

I could not put up with this from a 'friend'. She needs to learn some consideration and respect, what is she, 14 years old?

She sounds like a stalker! I'd cut ties - too needy.