To expect some consideration from my living at home 21 year old son?

[OMGhelp]

I am bloody fuming and sitting here tight lipped with anger not daring to speak to anybody, in case they get it instaed of my DS1.
We (DH and I) are at present car less, to be remedied in the next few days. We sold our old one yesterday and had an agreement with our 21 year old son, who lives at home, that we could use his car to do the school run for DS2 aged 10. As DS1 is a chef his work would not be interfered with by the arrangment. This morning I took DS2 to school, I had wound the drivers window down and it wouldn't go back up, when I got back DS1 and myself tried to get it up manually but it shattered, scattering glass all over the car. I mentioned that he has windscreen coverage on his insurance and whilst he was sorting that out I hoovered his car to get rid of the glass, DH agreed to cover the excess of £60. Then he went to work.
When he came back, I asked him for the car keys at school pick up time and he said I couldn't have them as the windscreen bloke was due somewhere between 2.30 and 530pm. He then went on to say that I should walk to get DS2. I had 5 minutes to walk 2.6 miles. DH volunteered to come with me although he has Rhumatoid Arthritis and has only just started walking again after his recent steroid treatment.
We walked down, the school was very understanding and we found DS2 cuddling a guinee pig. On the way back, DS1 turned up and we thought he had had a stab of guilt and was coming to rescue us. Ohh No, the first words out of his mouth before we had even done up the seat belts was,'You forgot to leave the Money'.
The real question is, do we now give hime 2 months notice to get out of the house or not. This is not the only example of selfishness, inconsiderate behaviour, arrogance etc. I have wanted him out of the house since he was 16 years old as I don't really get on with him, but have always been over ruled by DH. But even DH is fuming.

even in your last post, you state i have to do this! i have to do that! i have to get ds2 to school if ds1 will give me the keys! Coldiz was spot on in her post, me, me, me, i, i, i!

if i was ds1 i would disown you!

And FWIW (im ranting now because im so mad) any mother who can give unconditional love to her child is a better mother than you!

You sound like an arrogant, selfish, inconsiderate, mean woman, and your right, people dont really know you, but im sorry, that is how you have come across on here, and as a MN i am usually very supportive, but there are some people in this world who just dont deserve my support and you are one of them.

I know you've closed this thread - but actually I'm really shocked about the responses to your OP. It sounds like your situation is really difficult, and you've selflessly supported your daughter and DH through it all. It's not unreasonable to ask that your son puts a bit more into the mix! Sorry you've had to deal with such personal attacks

however hard it must be that you dislike your son you should have got it sorted as soon as you realised!! i would be very ashamed of myself if i were anything like you seem to be!! when i was young my dad and i never got on (personaltiy clash), it led to major arguements etc and i left home 2wks after my 16th birthday, luckily we are closer than ever before since i moved out.....he loves being a grandad, is bragging to all his friends at work how i'm only 22 but have a mortgage, am happily married with two kids and have got myself fully qualified as a hairdresser......but if we didn't have the closeness we have now, i would feel hated by him still, being proud isn't any comphensation for your own parent disliking you!!!......your son is not far off my age and i have to say just because SOME 21yos are out having families and buying houses etc doesn't say your son has to!!

when my dad and i were in the thick of it i felt like he hated me!! he hadn't had to say or do anything to make me feel this, just his attitude to me, ANYTHING i did was wrong- and you seem exactly the same!! think how your son must feel if he's anything like i was!! explain to him that you love him unconditionally and that you just feel you are not getting on for X reasons....and that by him getting his own place should let you have the relationship with him that you want!!!

LU - I think you're out of order with your name calling. So what if she's focusing on herself in these posts - she has to in her attempt to defend herself. She's made it abundantly clear that she's unahppy with how things have ended up and I suspect she's beaten herself up about that since she realised it was happening. We can't help how we feel, but what I'm getting from her posts is that she did her best despite those feelings.

Think about it - she's said something awful happenined to her in 1994 which affected her greatly, and since then she's also had her other children (one with SN) and a DH with a very disabling disease to cope with. I think she's entitled to some 'me, me, me' time on here. Surely AIBU threads are maily egocentric by their very nature?

The bitterness shown to OMGhelp has really left a sour taste in my mouth here. I credited most MN'ers with a bit more intelligence to actually read and understand peoples' posts rather than jumping to conclusions and waving pitchforks. Read her posts and then read again - she's shown insight, sadness and regret into this situation, but despite this she's villified and called names.

OMGhelp - I think I seem to be reading completely different posts from you to that which some others are reading. FWIW I'm angry for you that you've had such a hard time. I hope you feel able to stay on MN.

It's very rare that I let myelf get wound up by threads like this but this has really got to me. I'm leaving it now and I hope that no-one else ever finds them selves in OMGhelp's boat. There but for the grace of god etc etc.

And you lot: I can't believe you think you have the right to be SO nasty to someone who's made the mistake of being HONEST about her feelings. What on earth is the point of a forum like this if EVERY time someone comes clean about their feelings they are totally slated by the 'I'm so perfect' brigade? Glad to see there have been some posts that were a bit more constructive.

Pennies, from the way I read it deciding that she didnt like her son was what happened in 1994, that was the terrible infliction.
Although I do agree LuckyUnderpants shouldn't have called her names.

Pennies - maye i shouldnt have called her a selfish witch or a mean woman (these were the only names i called her, i hardly said she was twunting bitch!) i was genuinely shocked at some of the comments she made about her son (please read my first post againat the ones that shocked me) and she comes across as thouhg it is all his fault, plus in one of her posts she states this - "but quite honestly some of you could never be as GOOD as me." im sorry but im entitled to my opinion and i still think she is selfish, arrogant and mean about her son.

LuckyUnderpants, i would hate to think what you would think of my dad.

As i said earlier i can understand how OMGHELP feels. From the age of 10 me and my dad did not get on. I knew he loved me as much as i loved him, but by the same token we didn't like each other. We couldn't be in the same room without world war 3 starting, we have the same personality.

Although we had problems he was the one who took me to the hospital when i sprained my elbow (and did the excises i had to do) and when i broke my wrist. yes we did spend a lot of time in hospital waiting rooms . But by the same token tried to throw me out when i was 14.

Now 20 years later we get along a lot better.

As someone said earlier just because you are related to some does not mean you have like them.

Also as other have said he is an adult and he either pays his way at home (a third share of the bills) and shows considerate behaviour to his family especially (sp) to his younger brother.

but lizziemun this isnt about you and your dad, and fwiw i didnt get along with my dad from the age if 14 - 18, my shock was at the comments she made about her son and it being his fault, for the way she feels about him, did you even read my posts

"Elizabeth, have you actually read the viciousness in the posts against me. Some of the worst were by you."

Nope, some of the things I said were challenging to you but they weren't vicious. Unlike you who has said some really awful things about your son here and called us a bunch of "judgemental harpies".

"I may be defensive, but quite honestly some of you could never be as GOOD as me."

That appears to be your attitude to your son too - he's shit and ungrateful and you're wonderful for putting up with him. I'm just going to repeat what I said before and hope that you think about it, both for your sake and your son's -

"I just think you need to understand that your hostility towards your son is your problem, and isn't anything to do with him. If I was taking a wild guess it's either because he reminds you of something in yourself that you dislike or he reminds you of someone in your past who you are angry with (anger that you haven't been able to express or are maybe even aware of so it's been taken out on your son). I hope the two of you can have a better relationship in future, maybe him moving out will help towards that."

omghelp, (if you're still reading this). i read through all the posts last night, and although i think some of the posters have been a little harsh, i agree with them.

whatever you believe, kids KNOW when they are not liked. no amount of food, money, etc can deny it. and yet you expect this same son to do exactly what is neccessary for you without any complications/complaints? esp. given that you so obv. favour your other children, it wouldn't suprise me if he deliberately made things difficult for you (although i think its entirely possible that he simply forgot).

so, yes, yabu, and i think its a bit weird on a board that is all 'aibu' that you think the only reasonable responses are the ones that back you up.

I don't think it is good for children to live with their parents into their 20s. Do the lad a favour and make him shift.

You may find that you like him better if you only see him once a month.

I remember posting on several threads started by mother of teens earlier this year. She had a teenage daughter who seemed to be having a breakdown. She also had a younger teenage son. The OP said that both teenagers had turned against her, spurrred on by her deceased dh's rich family who didn't get on with the OP. It sounded like a terrible mess.

The mother said she just wanted rid of both teenagers from her home so she could start a new life. The girl has already moved out aged 17 and the mother had let her bedroom to a lodger, causing the OP angst when her dd wanted to move back.

The threads all appear to have been deleted. The OP was very open and eloquent. The threads aroused some negative comments along with various posts offering sympathetic advice.

OMGhelp, just letting you know that you are not the only mother posting here who desperatly wants a teen to move out for her own wellbeing. It's a pity you cannot read the posts as you'd probably empathise with the OP (even though the background is different).

I have to admit find it hard to understand how you can feel the way you do constantly and for so many years . I think the points that Elizabetth's repeated in her message are worth thinking on.

Yes, it's not easy to be a mother of teenagers and until you have been you aren't really qualified to comment on them. I bet when my ex husband moved out (and left me with 3 teenagers and the younger ones) it was a huge relief to be away from them in some senses.

I think the a reason why OMGhelp has had so many comments from parents of non teens is because she has said her feelings date back to when her ds was 8 years old.

I think she'd have had a very different response if she'd said she had loved her son till recently.

Tigermoth is right, I said earlier

"There is a great difference between being disappointed at the way your son has turned out when he is a grown maan and deciding at eight years old that you don't like him,"

Which is one of my main points, along witht he fact that it isnt even elements of his behaviour she disliked, as everyone does with their children at times, but him as a person!

I still think it is a selfish way to act and that it's all about the OP, not once does she mention her son's feelings.

The way I read it she is talking about her son as a bad person.

Tha same son who had been lending his mother his car, who had his car window broken by his mother, who then was apparently out of order for arranging to get it fixed when he did, who came to pick his mum up the moment it was done. That son.

OMG I would just sit down with your son and explain that you love him very much but it is time he flew the nest and goes and lives his life to the full.

If he wants to go travelling then that is what he must do - may not be what you approve of (but its not a line of coke)

He will have to rent somewhere, if he wants to get on the property ladder he will when he is ready. It is not your choice to make if he saves a deposit or not.

Send him off with a back pack for three years or show him the flats for rent in the local paper and suggest he gets on with life.

You may find that if he moves out you actually both like each other better not living together.

People expect to much from a relationship and why should you get along like a house on fire - just because you are his mum. Youngsters used to move out, now they stay home due to the expense. That doesn't make life easy for either parent or adult child.

Can I ask does your ds pay you rent/housekeep? Do you do your ds washing and ironing cleaning up etc?

Message withdrawn

if he acts the way he does its becuase you elt him - so sory to be blunt especially when you are being battered ont hsi thread already.

if my kids dropped ear buds on the floor - i would tell them to pick them up.

my almost 18 yr old made a sandwich - i told him toput the bread away

i told him i want a third of his wages - thats a far percentage if he earns fuck all i get a third of fuck all if he earns loads i get a third of loads

if he only gives you 50 quid thats your fault.

if my son wouldnt lend me his car - i wouldnt lend him the use of my fucking house and tell him so

2 months notice? porquoi?

my house

my fucking rules

til they DIE

Custardo's post has made me think. Is there a difference in laying down strict house rules and discipline when your teenagers know you love them?

Custardo, I bet your three are in no doubt how much you love them all, so if you gave them a hard time over something they have done wrong, or threaten them with shaping up or moving out etc. this does not affect the relationship at the deepest level. IME it is always easier to take disclpline adn criticism from someone who you feel loves you.

forgot to add, I realise that OMGhelp has said she has always worked hard to be a good mother. I am not saying that her ds must know he is not loved. It is just a possibility, but it is also possible he has no idea.

to the op;

the problem with mn is theres lots of great mums, but some are not much older than teenagers themselves. very few on here have children of 21, so have no idea what its like to be a mother of a child that age. i am sorry you have been so badly treated by some on here.

let me tell you my story;

my ds is 20 next month. i told him to leave 6 months ago. he has a well paid job but was gambling all his wages and getting in to finacial trouble. i was getting phone calls all day long from money lenders, letters from baliffs, i couldnt take anymore. his attitude was awful, and had been for years. i never got on with him.

he was making my life a misery and if that sounds terribly selfish to all you mummies out there with cute babies still in nappies, well im sorry, but it happens.

since he left, im so much happier, and hes learning some harsh life lessons. but he'll survive, and come out better for it.

you have my full support.