To expect some consideration from my living at home 21 year old son?

[OMGhelp]

I am bloody fuming and sitting here tight lipped with anger not daring to speak to anybody, in case they get it instaed of my DS1.
We (DH and I) are at present car less, to be remedied in the next few days. We sold our old one yesterday and had an agreement with our 21 year old son, who lives at home, that we could use his car to do the school run for DS2 aged 10. As DS1 is a chef his work would not be interfered with by the arrangment. This morning I took DS2 to school, I had wound the drivers window down and it wouldn't go back up, when I got back DS1 and myself tried to get it up manually but it shattered, scattering glass all over the car. I mentioned that he has windscreen coverage on his insurance and whilst he was sorting that out I hoovered his car to get rid of the glass, DH agreed to cover the excess of £60. Then he went to work.
When he came back, I asked him for the car keys at school pick up time and he said I couldn't have them as the windscreen bloke was due somewhere between 2.30 and 530pm. He then went on to say that I should walk to get DS2. I had 5 minutes to walk 2.6 miles. DH volunteered to come with me although he has Rhumatoid Arthritis and has only just started walking again after his recent steroid treatment.
We walked down, the school was very understanding and we found DS2 cuddling a guinee pig. On the way back, DS1 turned up and we thought he had had a stab of guilt and was coming to rescue us. Ohh No, the first words out of his mouth before we had even done up the seat belts was,'You forgot to leave the Money'.
The real question is, do we now give hime 2 months notice to get out of the house or not. This is not the only example of selfishness, inconsiderate behaviour, arrogance etc. I have wanted him out of the house since he was 16 years old as I don't really get on with him, but have always been over ruled by DH. But even DH is fuming.

Well I dont think I will have Mumsnet on my favourite from now on.
Good bye you Priggs.

WTF?
Because people arent agreeing with you, you're leaving?
ok, BYE.

op's first post per chance?

It sounds like you have just been going through the motions of being a mother to him all these years and guilt has made you really angry with him and with yourself, which is why you don't talk about it. He sounds angry as well, but because nobody talks about it his only way of communicating is to be hostile and cruel. Does he have many friends? I'm not having a go by the way, i'm just giving my opinion as to how it sounds. if i'm wrong I apologise.

I think you are rather harsh..sounds like a bit of miscommunication to me..and a shame you don't like him

my dd1 is still home and she is 24 this week

and her bf stays most nights and has done for a while but the downsides all have upsides..she doesn't pay anything at the mo but we rub along quite well and she buys her own food as we eat at different times/different things

Utterly bizarre.

I can understand about not getting on with you DS, but from the otherside. I didn't get on my dad, it was a clash of personality or more rightly having the same personality. We get on fine now.

I would devide all the bills 3 ways and make him pay a third if he doesn't like he can find a new place to live.

A WANNABE!!!!!!!

• I thought Mumsnet was a meeting of mums together to help each other, not an exclusive club for the regulars to character assasinate new members.

Thank you Lizziemum, people DO NOT have to like everybody in the whole world, I did not and do not like my son he is a human being who I dont like. I could have always handed him over to the social services.

I think you should ask him to move out.

TMMJ wasn't calling you a wannabe, but answering a post from wannabe.

Sorry folks, especially Wannabe,
I am feeling a bit stressed, all I wanted was your opinion on whether I was being unreasonable to want him out of the house finally, and because I am honest, about my feelings, I get jumped on by the 'Holier than Thou' brigade.
I at least have been honest with myself as to my dislike of my son. How many of the mothers or fathers who board their children, privatly feel the same about their own children but darn't admit it even to themselves?

Having discussed it with my DH we are telling DS1 to move out wiyhin 2 months. It will allow him time to look for a place and get his money together, and also allow me enough time to get the furniture together that he will need. We may have to extend it to 3 months as it is going to be over Christmas and money is always tight for everybody then.

am suprised he puts up with you.

what went so badly wrong when he was 8?

frankly, i think is she a bloody toxic mother whose actions will come come back to haunt her!!

i hope the kid moves out or he will probs turn into an axe welding maniac, i know i would have done faced with such shocking lack of love, care or humanity (nothing she has described doing for him is above or beyond what any parent SHOULD do for their child, its just that the rest of us do it because we WANT to because,yes, we DO love unconditionally, not just because its a DUTY

Did he know you needed the car for the school run later? It may have just been a failure of communication. I have 2 of my 3 who are at university living at home at the moment, the 19 and 23 year olds. We share cars. We discuss hopefully pleasantly every day who needs a car for when and the 19 year old is often around to deal with his brothers after school. But he's 19 and doesn't have my life experience and I don't expect him to behave always like a mid 40s experienced parent as I am.

If you had told him you needed the car at that time then he should not have booked the repair man for that time. If he did not know then you were at fault. If he did know you should have said - sorry I need to car then you'll have to change the appointment. If he hadn't known then you should have taken the car and made the call to change the appointment time for him.

As to when children move out it's best to play it by ear. Certainly sounds like you all might be happier if he did move out. At the moment I'm fine with the older ones being around but I would not be fine if it were indefinite I suspect. Also there is a lot of added value to having them here because of their help with the youngest two children so it's not as simple for me as some parents. I don't know how I could do some business trips away if it weren't for the older siblings.

I am really shocked that you think an 8 year old is capable of being such a bad person that from then onwards you would only do your duty by him. Have you thought that 8 years of parenting prior to that might have contributed in some way to his behaviour? And that by effectively writing him off ever since you have made it worse? I don't know your family cirucmstances but if you need to blame an 8 year old for that then there are problems. Have you considered family therapy? I think you might all benefit.

I really don't think it was when he was 8, it was before that, it was 8 when it crystallissed in my mind that yes, SHAME on ME, I didn't actually like my son. I did my best, as my DH says he is just a normal outgrown teenager, with no real hangups, lots of friends that he could do with living closer to, but he won't move out. If I was really so bad as a mother would he have stayed so long? I just have a really, really bad personallity clash with him, I have had counseling, but all it did was to confirm that you can't force someone to like another person.
A lot of you are confusing Love and Like. I love him to bits, I was ever so proud when he got an 'AS' in maths when he should have been taking his GCSE's. Even prouder when he got his Chef's qualifications, I take all my friends to the restaurant where he works to show him off etc. But if he was a friend of a friend at a party I would not get on with him.

Mobile phones are wonderful things. Whenever I have a gas engineer, builder, etc round to the house I ask them to ring me (say 30 mintues before arriving) to give me warning. This seems to be standard practice.

Recently my car windscreen shattered and I got (via insurance company) Autoglass to come and fix it. Coincidently they gave me a 2.30 - 5.30 time slot too. The repair person offered to phone me in the afternoon to warn me when he would be arriving. This meant I could plan my day around this. IME repair people are usually considerate about school pick up times.

Given what you say about all the car repairs you have had recently and given your presumed age (mum to a 21 year old), you must have had lots of experience of organising repair appointments.

Your son, being a 21 year old, has had a lot less. He can be excused if he didn't think to ask for a warning ring from the repair person. But did you remind him to ask for one? Did you help your son organise this repair? If not, why not?

He is not blameless and yes, I can see he is selfish, but did you help set up this situation?

you're going to let him stay for christmas,(how big of you) poor little bugger, i do hope he gets a better offer than your 'bleak house' before then!

Have to agree with tmmj, I've got two sons aged nearly two and three and I can't imagine ever feeling like they are a burden to me. I'm fully expecting them to turn into kevin the teenager when they are older.
It's not really the fact that you don't get on with your son but you talk about it as if it is his fault that you don't like him.

I think this is one of the saddest threads I've ever read on MN