To expect some consideration from my living at home 21 year old son?

[OMGhelp]

I am bloody fuming and sitting here tight lipped with anger not daring to speak to anybody, in case they get it instaed of my DS1.
We (DH and I) are at present car less, to be remedied in the next few days. We sold our old one yesterday and had an agreement with our 21 year old son, who lives at home, that we could use his car to do the school run for DS2 aged 10. As DS1 is a chef his work would not be interfered with by the arrangment. This morning I took DS2 to school, I had wound the drivers window down and it wouldn't go back up, when I got back DS1 and myself tried to get it up manually but it shattered, scattering glass all over the car. I mentioned that he has windscreen coverage on his insurance and whilst he was sorting that out I hoovered his car to get rid of the glass, DH agreed to cover the excess of £60. Then he went to work.
When he came back, I asked him for the car keys at school pick up time and he said I couldn't have them as the windscreen bloke was due somewhere between 2.30 and 530pm. He then went on to say that I should walk to get DS2. I had 5 minutes to walk 2.6 miles. DH volunteered to come with me although he has Rhumatoid Arthritis and has only just started walking again after his recent steroid treatment.
We walked down, the school was very understanding and we found DS2 cuddling a guinee pig. On the way back, DS1 turned up and we thought he had had a stab of guilt and was coming to rescue us. Ohh No, the first words out of his mouth before we had even done up the seat belts was,'You forgot to leave the Money'.
The real question is, do we now give hime 2 months notice to get out of the house or not. This is not the only example of selfishness, inconsiderate behaviour, arrogance etc. I have wanted him out of the house since he was 16 years old as I don't really get on with him, but have always been over ruled by DH. But even DH is fuming.

OMG if I was you I'd be fuming too. I would pack up all of his belongings, put them in his precious car along with an envelope containing a thank you for the kind loan of your car! SIXTY quid and sign it Mr & Mrs . . . Then change the locks on the house.

Does he have a girlfriend?

If the example you've given is typical of his behaviour then YANBU.

But I would explain to him why you think he should find his own place to live. Does he have enough money for a deposit etc?

Packing his bags and changing the locks would be expensive and over-reacting imo.

i would sit down and explain how you saw it,very selfish on his part though. does he know you are generally unhappy with him. does he pay you board?

I get on very well with DS, love him to bits, he is my only child, now is 28.

But at 21 he was a selfish inconsiderate pig, still living at home, turning the place into a pig sty, friends in and out at all hours, coffee cups everywhere, and that was the least of the things he did.

I went out found him a bedsit, paid the deposit and moved him out. 21 is far to old to be living at home.

We soon had our old terrific relationship back.

well, there is more to this than meets the eye, i often 'don't get on' with my 16 yo dd, no way do i want her to move out though

you don't sound like a very nice mum actually!

I do think that to a certain extent YABU.

Firstly, it wasn't actually his fault that the window broke on the car. He had organised, in accordance with your suggestion, someone to come and do the window. You had agreed to pay the money for the excess.

Your dh didn't have to come with you. Why did he do the walk given that you probably wouldn't have got there any faster accompanied than you would unaccompanied. I think that's irrelevant.

Your ds2 was fine, despite being late. And then your ds1 did come and pick you up.

I personally wouldn't give notice for him to leave on this basis. But think that at his age it might be an idea for him to live independently anyway.

But am most shocked about you saying that you've wanted him out of the house since he was 16 and don't get on with him. Think that's really sad.

He doesn't have a girlfriend that I know of (he is married to his computer).
He pays minimal board, and begrudges that.
It was a side window and he had already driven 40 miles without a window.
The trip to and back from school only take 15 mins max. in a car. If the windscreen guy had turned up in that time he could have offered him a cuppa, and i would have been back before he had finished it. In fact going by the timings, we would have been back before the windscreen guy had turned up, but it took us 30 minutes to walk down, and by the time he met us on the way back it had been nearly an hour of walking.
As to the 'havn't really got on with him' I do mean my son. I don't know why, I have just done my duty by him since he was 8. I was seriously contemplating putting him in boarding school at that time. I was hoping he would move out when he was 16 and he hasn't obliged yet. There are some people in this life you just don't get on with, and he is one of mine.
I also need to get him out of the house as he is just plain mean, bordering on cruel (mentally) to my DS2.

Does he pay you rent and bill money? If not, start making him do so now.

What happened when he was eight? I'm just wondering why you dislike him so much. When I read your first post I just thought he sounded like a typical boy. I know that when i was 21 my head was all over the place and I was a bit selfish too.

The car incident does sound annoying and I can understand you being upset at his lack of consideration re your DH arthritis, he should not have left you to walk all that way. But honestly the way you speak about him sounds chilling, you mean since the age of 8 he's had no love, affection etc. just what you consider to be your duty?

I have been a bloody good mother and still am. DD1 moved out under own recognisance when she was 17 as she wanted to be in town near college and work. DS2 is 10years old and Special Needs, and my husband is disabled. I do not need an arrogant prig, who comes home from work and complains that its untidy when he only pays £50 per week all in, and NEVER helps with any chores. He is so lazy that he doesn't even lift the lid on the bathroom bin to throw his used earbuddies in. He just drops them on the floor for me to pick up.

If I could afford the deposit I would have paid for a place for him.
I am sorry if you think I am a bad mother but you don't know all the facts, perhaps you should speak to my DD and DS2 to find out what kind of mother I am. I did my duty and gave him love, when he needed it, and I have let him live in my home for 5 years longer than I needed to have. I think I have been a very tolerant mother. But he is an adult now and should act like one.

You are probably right that my DH shouldn't have come, but he didn't want me walking along country lanes on my own, and after 8 months of being in a wheelchair he WANTED to go for a walk with me. He will suffer for it but he knew that.

Does he know how you feel about him?

You mean to tell me that all of you love all of your children unreservedly? I have been unlucky to have had an extreme reaction to my son. He was arrogant, mean and selfish at the age of 8 and has never gotton better. I have never laid a finger on him (smacking etc), have never been cruel, never deprived him of bedtime cuddles or kisses, always given what I could financially as to school trips, family holidays etc. never drank or smoked in front of him etc.
Ive been a damned good mother to him, I do love him, I just don't like him as a person.

This is a pisstake isn't it?

But what happened at age 8 to make him like that?

?I have wanted him out of the house since he was 16 years old as I don't really get on with him,?, ?I have just done my duty by him since he was 8.?, ?There are some people in this life you just don't get on with, and he is one of mine.?.

This says an awful lot more about you than it does about him.

Is it any wonder he has no self respect or respect for the other members of his family if this is the way his own mother treats him.

Tbh I would advise him to move out because he deserves better. . It?s one thing clashing with your teenage children, I think we all have that to come, but this is your child, the baby you gave birth to.

There are numerous posts on these forums about toxic parents. Any one of them could be written about you.

Some people don?t deserve to have children.

He was being unreasonable to begrudge lending you the car, but yabvu using this as a reason to chuck him out, h was being selfish fgs, he didn't kill anyone.

He knows I get irritated with him. I have never let him know how negative my feeling for him are. Now that would be cruel.
This is not the only time car problems have come between us. In the space of 2 months he has wrecked 3 cars, once rolling the car over completely, thank God nobody was in the car with him or coming the other way down the road. We have immediatly dropped everything to go to him, We have then ferried him to and from work 20 miles each way twice a day (split shifts ), we have paid for a replacement car twice for him as by then he couldn't afford the increase in his insurance rates, and our DS2 has told of having rides with him when he has gone over 100MPH.

I don't always get on with dd1, we clash alot, but i'd never wish her out of the house.

He has a job and a car , no reason for him to still be there

I'm shocked that someoen could talk about their son like this, wtf is duty?
Tbh I think I'm just going to say I agree with TMMJ, and leave it at that or I may say soem rather horrid things.