To expect some consideration from my living at home 21 year old son?

[OMGhelp]

I am bloody fuming and sitting here tight lipped with anger not daring to speak to anybody, in case they get it instaed of my DS1.
We (DH and I) are at present car less, to be remedied in the next few days. We sold our old one yesterday and had an agreement with our 21 year old son, who lives at home, that we could use his car to do the school run for DS2 aged 10. As DS1 is a chef his work would not be interfered with by the arrangment. This morning I took DS2 to school, I had wound the drivers window down and it wouldn't go back up, when I got back DS1 and myself tried to get it up manually but it shattered, scattering glass all over the car. I mentioned that he has windscreen coverage on his insurance and whilst he was sorting that out I hoovered his car to get rid of the glass, DH agreed to cover the excess of £60. Then he went to work.
When he came back, I asked him for the car keys at school pick up time and he said I couldn't have them as the windscreen bloke was due somewhere between 2.30 and 530pm. He then went on to say that I should walk to get DS2. I had 5 minutes to walk 2.6 miles. DH volunteered to come with me although he has Rhumatoid Arthritis and has only just started walking again after his recent steroid treatment.
We walked down, the school was very understanding and we found DS2 cuddling a guinee pig. On the way back, DS1 turned up and we thought he had had a stab of guilt and was coming to rescue us. Ohh No, the first words out of his mouth before we had even done up the seat belts was,'You forgot to leave the Money'.
The real question is, do we now give hime 2 months notice to get out of the house or not. This is not the only example of selfishness, inconsiderate behaviour, arrogance etc. I have wanted him out of the house since he was 16 years old as I don't really get on with him, but have always been over ruled by DH. But even DH is fuming.

i think you have hit the nail on the head when you state that, in your mind he stopped being a model child whenever he developed a mind of his own.

it seems to me that your son is aware that you never liked his individuality and as such, goes out of his way to assert it.

when you say black, he says white.

Duh, sorry Phantom of the Opera, I totally misunderstood your post nad thought you were talking about the OP's son. Many apologies .

Pennies, phantom made a typing error. She meant her dh!

calm down you bunch of hysterical harpies!

lol...

You sold your old car early knowing that you needed it to pick up your daughter.....then used your sons car for the school run...then you broke the window...then when he needed to get the window fixed that you broke and had arranged for a man to come and do it you blame him because he failed to let you use his car to pick up your daughter....and its only right that you cover the cost.

ha.

...which will be why she can write such an authorative statement. sorry again. I'll get me coat.

god, I'm a slow typer.

Ahem - you missed out me and hifi! (and probably some others )

O.K. I was unreasonable to expect some consideration from a 21 year old, he could have warned us with enough time to make alternative arrangments for the collection of our child. 5 minutes was not enough. He left the house in the morning after the accident,telling us, over his shoulder on the way out that he had it 'sorted'. He didn't tell us until I asked him for the keys that he had arranged for the fitter between 2.30 and 5.30. If he had told us as soon as he came in the door at 2.30 that he had arranged for today I would have belted down the road and got a lift with my neighbor down to school, it would have still meant a trek back as she goes to her sisters after school. But I could have done something, but 5 minutes notice, I only had time to phone the school and tell them that we would be late (very), before it was shoes on and out the door, fuming.

Setting aside any opinions I have on the OP if my DH was making an appointment like that he may for that moment forget that I might have to get the dc's from school. Due to work the school collection times are not part of DH's daily routine so it would not be top most of his mind when he was getting the car fixed that he needed desperately to get to and from work so I think you are being a bit unreasonable in that respect.

I am sure we have all from time to time made an appointment and realised later that it clashes with something elses.
I mean did he have to go to work tonight? IF he did he was obviously anxious to get it fixed because the last thing he would want is to have it sitting unsecured while he was at work. so I think the lack of communication was probably on both sides.

I think many of you are being quite unfair to the OP. OP has said she loves her son (and I assume by this she means she feels the basic maternal pull) but does not like the person he is.

I personally am struggling to understand how it must feel to not like your child. I love mine - and like them - more than anyone else on earth...and right now, reading this, I feel grateful for that - and so sorry for the OP that she doesn't have that. It must be a horrible situation. What is more basic than unconditional love and acceptance of your child? To admit that you don't have that, must break your heart.

I remember other threads about family members, where I've given my opinion that just because someone is related to you, does not mean anything. genes are just genes. They don't make a relationship work. This goes for any genetic family, children included.

It doesn't mean the son has done anything 'wrong', doesn't mean the OP has.

I feel really really sorry for the son, who deserves to be loved and liked and wanted, but I feel sorry also for the OP, who I am sure, would chop off her arm to be able to be that mother to him.

We paid for the repair.

OMGhelp, I think your dh is right, you and your son sound very alike. You were both in the wrong, so you should both move out.

Excellent post Hecate

Not sure if you're justified in being so annoyed with your son for the car situation, but I can see how it was very frustrating and inconvenient for you. But since both you and he need the car, and it wasn't you who broke the window, I think you should both have been working together to get it fixed and make sure the timing was convenient, rather than leaving it all to him.

I do think you're very brave, firstly to be able to be so honest with yourself about your relationship with your son. And secondly to keep posting and explaining yourseld on here. I'd have done a big "screw you guys, I'm going home!" a long time ago.

The situation with your son is very sad, and I'm sad for you both that it is that way. But you can't help how you feel. I was a bit sceptical until I read your post about how much you love him and are proud of him, even if you don't like him.

Sorry other posters are being so extremely nasty. I don't think you deserve it.

Actually I do know it was me that has made him 'in my eyes' the way he 'seems' to be. To everybody else he seems perfectly normal. I over-react to everything he does, and have bitten my tongue more times than I can remember so that I don't show it.

would chop off her arm to be able to be that mother to him.

I would Hekate, I would.

Sorry, meant to say it was you who broke the window.

But more posts have arrived since I posted that and I see he said it was "sorted". I think I would have asked if that meant all was OK for the school run, though, just to be sure. I don't trust men to get things like repair timings and school runs right!

Lazarou, it has been thought of by me, that I should move out in the past, as he would probably do better with a different mother than me.

Comunication on both sides was lacking and you are both in the wrong for not comunicting better.

You could have asked what was "sorted" and your ds could have told you before he left someone would be coming to fix the car between these times - but you dodn't ask either and you were the one that would want to borrow the car again in the afternoon.

If you lent your car out and it came back damaged and you were sorting having it fixed would you let the person who borrowed it and broke it, borrow it again?

You were both probably fraught and both need to be considerate of each other.

Actually you miss read the post, I was informed 5 mins before school was out that I would have to walk (his words) it took 30 mins. In a car it does take only 5 mins, a great big advantage of living in the country and havin a school with only 80 pupils, not much traffic and lots of parking.

Do you not see that changing your perspective on this situation, instead of trying to scapegoat your son, might be a move towards mending your relationship OMGhelp?

Why do you need for him to be so much in the wrong?

It was an accident that messed up all your plans. He didn't organise his car to be fixed maliciously. I'm going to say, the fact that you were tight-lipped with anger about this, something that isn't really his fault is worrying.

To be honest OMG, I think you need to be discussing this with your whole family. You need to all sit down and get this out in the open properly. I do think your son probably needs to start looking at buying a place rather than renting and you need to help him do that. He probably won't do it unless you tell him all the benefits,and offer to give him some guidance.
You have to be the one to make an effort and rise above the attitude and snide remarks, it's not too late to start building a proper relationship with him.