Reasons my DH may end up under the patio...

[PringleMcDingle]

My top three...

1. He brushes his teeth with so much toothpaste that it ends up frothing and foaming everywhere. To wipe away this completely ridiculous amount of excess paste he always wipes his mouth on FRESH BLOODY TOWELS.

Every towel in our bathroom is covered in toothpaste. I swear on the odd occasion I've left something like pyjama bottoms on the radiator in there, he's pasted those too.

1. Instead of putting tea bags in the bin (which is right next to the kettle), he'll just leave them on the side or in something like a pan that's waiting to be washed by the sink. Why? Can someone, anyone, explain that to me?

1. Always asks me where certain items of clothing are without looking in his wardrobe. Or even worse, will ask me if he has any socks/underwear... Before just going to the sock/underwear drawer. I don't keep an inventory of sock availability... CHECK THE DRAWER.

So there, if you see me on the 9 o'clock news, you'll know that it was justified.

Mine will constantly - CONSTANTLY - deny the irrefutable evidence placed right in front of him.... The used earbuds left on the side of the bathroom sink (eeeew) crusty with orange wax. (My ears somehow never get waxy, so it's not me. I never use the bastard things - except for mascara cleanup, and I put them in the bin next to the bastard sink.). Oh, and then leaving beard shit everywhere, including all through the jar of earbuds, which he constantly leaves open on the bastard sink, and then claim are unusable, throw out, and ask me to buy more. (I won't.... Not until he cleans the bastard sink and admits he's a fucking slob!)

This is the most infuriating one! Table Manners! He has the gall to yell at the kids for their table manners (tbf, so do I, and they need it!) while shovelling humungous forksful of food into his mouth like a Labrador with a leg of lamb, wiping his mash across the top of everything like he's making baby food (blech), loudly stabbing and scraping his plate with every mouthful, and then sucking his fingers with a smacking sound. (Boak!). I'm literally waiting for the day that he tucks the tablecloth into his collar. (And yes, I have told him that I can't watch him eat, and that I wonder how he expects the kids to eat like civilised beings when he eats like a frothing hyena on a carcass... I'm not exactly laid back about it.)

Oh, and to the poster above.... I have threatened to throw the toaster in the bin next bin day, as nobody seems capable of cleaning up toast crumbs or putting the bread away. (I have been on keto diet for years, so it's not my responsibility!) I am sick of walking through crumbs every morning, finding jam and flies (we're in Aus - it's summer and they're everywhere atm.) in the kitchen, and open bags of bread being wasted.

@justilou1 I also never eat bread so it's not me...soon to be ex DH also always RIPS the breadbag open rather than opening it properly so bread goes stale...

I am divorcing him for other reasons too but the bread board smears are pretty high up there.

Ahh the 'man look'! When my dc can't find something I say they've got their father's eyes!! This quote always makes me laugh: 'My husband was upset because I told him his jeans were in the dryer and he checked and couldn't find them. But don't worry, I found them, they were in the dryer'

@DareIask I have one like that, funny how it's his snoring that keeps me awake most of the night though 🙄

In our house we call it ( when DH says "have you seen my whatever or where have you put my x y z " Looking with your elbows . To be fair there are many many things DH is good at - so not really having a go - and actually not a man thing - he was the one who found the recycling bags at the back of the cupboard the other day but I have during lockdown been implementing a policy for "his stuff" - ( clothes aside ) so e.g. cycling ( Oh can I say that or will that out me ) or swimming , or sports stuff , so not the actual clothes but other related items - go in various bags - we agree where the bags will be and from henceforth on - either the stuff goes back into the bag or he can wander around the house from now until eternity looking for stuff, because I am not doing it

I just answer “Yes...” and walk off, refusing to play the “Have you seen my...?” game. Like, I’ve seen it. I just couldn’t give a shit where it currently is. Not my problem. He still tries, though...

I’m a very good cook. I love cooking. I cook 99% of our meals. I do this willingly and happily.

But I swear to god, next time my husband (who can barely boil a fucking egg) finishes a meal and says to me ‘do you know I would do to make this better? I’d add salt/peas/chilli’ etc etc I will stab him in the eye with a fork.

@PringleMcDingle do we share the same husband?? My bathroom frequently looks like the aftermath of a foam party. HOW CAN THE TOOTHPASTE GO SO FAR???

He also says he can't find things while looking at them 😡

And apparently the counter on top of the dishwasher is close enough to the dishwasher.

Mine symptom steals. Have a headache? Oh he has a headache that is worse. Have period pain? Ah if course he's had a pain in his stomach area for a while actually. Given birth in the last hour? Well he was very uncomfortable in the chair he had to sit in

DH drinks by taking a massive mouthful then swallowing it in 3-5 gulps. Why? Dd also does it but quietly. Must be genetic but why!

Tumble dries work hoodie for 30 seconds every morning... not sure why... takes out of the machine, leaves it on, and closes the door. Cue an hour later when he has gone the machine beeps at me. I walk to to and open the door thinking I've left washing in there but nope, it's empty.

@ZooeyS mine too!!! He's so bad at doing it that we have invented a Paul Hollywood style handshake when he is really impressed.

Oh and also uses a piece of kitchen roll for making sandwiches and toast. Why? Why not one of the 5 boards we have? Why use something disposable?

My husband will claim to be tidying out a drawer, for example. This involves removing everything from the drawer, putting it where it will be most in the way and then wandering off.

1. Faffing. He takes 1000 years to do anything especially leave the house.
2. Loads the dishwasher but doesn't turn it on.
3. Unloads the dishwasher but leaves anything complicated, like tupperware, on the side rather than putting it away.
4. Never finishes anything. Leaves half a teaspoon and puts it back. He'll open a new one rather than finish something. See exhibit A for the defence.

Husband isn't too bad thank God. Our six year old does the toothpaste thing on the towels, wiping a full face of foam. The towels are navy blue and it looks like some pervert has been wanking on them.

My DH is Mr Perfect, most of the time I am probably the one headed for the patio.

However...when he cooks, he uses every possible saucepan, dish and utensil in the kitchen. Then he piles it all up in the washing up bowl without rinsing anything, and then...DRAINS VEGETABLE/PASTA WATER OVER IT.

I do the cleaning up (I'm not a total monster) and it means I have to empty the sink of manky pans and crockery first and wash all the grease and slime from the sink and bowl before I can even start. And now the outside of said pans are covered in food detritus as well as the inside.

We're moving soon and I have demanded a dishwasher because I'm a princess. 👸

He leaves the squash bottle on the work top directly above the cupboard it's stored in.
He rips off Apple stalks and leaves them where they land.
He leaves dishes to soak overnight in cold icky water. We own scrubbing pads.

I can't be bothered to put him under the patio, it's bin day tomorrow and they are collecting general waste.

Aaarrgh another one. My husband never finishes any drink (unless it's alcohol, ha). Neither does he tip away his third of a cup of cold tea so when I'm in a five minute break between Teams meetings and quickly loading the dishwasher I often end up grabbing a cup and slopping the remnants down myself or on the floor.

A few years ago when I was sick of the mental load we agreed to allocate certain things as his responsibility. He deals with all the children's school uniform, winter costs and dentistry for example. He is also supposed to deal with all school admin for eldest (secondary) and is the sole recipient of school emails which he doesn't read

Yesterday I read on the school Facebook page (that H hasn't bothered to join) that lots of parents haven't returned the consent firm for a return to school lateral flow test. I told him to check his emails and deal.

Can you send it to me again? No, because I never got the email, you did.
Can you ask school to send it to me again? No, You can do that.or just search your inbox.
But I'm busy. So am I, I worked 50+ hours last week and this week looks similar.
I can't be expected to remember all this extra stuff. Yes you can. I deal with all the primary stuff and there's more of it. No one reminds me.

Aaaaaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!

Oh another one. We take turns cooking and cleaning up the kitchen. He does a great job except that he never wipes down the kitchen table/table mats where we have our meals. The next time we sit down the table it is all gross with sticky bits and crumbs, bleurgh.

Change this to reasons my wife may end up under the patio. Aye, not so funny now is it. 🙄

I also have two teenage sons with man eyes. If they ask me where something is I will tell them where I think it is, but if they shout back that it's not there I now reply 'Oh well' instead of going to check myself, and generally a few seconds later I get a 'found it!'. I think it's pure laziness tbh. Easier to ask mum to find it than look for it themselves and I'm determined to train them out of it.

DH takes the washing up liquid into the shower... and leaves it there. No words.

@Markies

Change this to reasons my wife may end up under the patio. Aye, not so funny now is it. 🙄

Im sure my husband could add many a contribution to such a (light-hearted) thread.

I reckon his top ones would be something like...

1. I always forget to turn the oven off after use. Sometimes I don't notice until the next morning when the kitchen is really lovely and toasty

1. I seem able to create huge amounts of mess in the car just by being in it. He gets so frustrated. It's like a bombs gone off in there sometimes when I've used it, I don't know how I manage it.

1. I don't stir tea for long enough so it's always really sugary at the bottom.

1. I stay in the bath for AGES. I don't even realise until people are literally breaking down the door because they need a pee so badly and I've been sat in there for 2 hours.

Mine seems to have turned into a labrador puppy overnight. Silently standing in doorways just staring at me. Standing directly behind/beside me when I'm loading the washing machine. Following from room to room.

Also proudly announcing he's done the hoovering "for me" only to find the kitchen floor a mess "well I didn't hoover that floor". Or that he has cleaned the bathroom "for me", but not the toilet or shower screen. Takes the hump when I point out he hasn't actually cleaned the bathroom then has he??