Reasons my DH may end up under the patio...

[PringleMcDingle]

My top three...

1. He brushes his teeth with so much toothpaste that it ends up frothing and foaming everywhere. To wipe away this completely ridiculous amount of excess paste he always wipes his mouth on FRESH BLOODY TOWELS.

Every towel in our bathroom is covered in toothpaste. I swear on the odd occasion I've left something like pyjama bottoms on the radiator in there, he's pasted those too.

1. Instead of putting tea bags in the bin (which is right next to the kettle), he'll just leave them on the side or in something like a pan that's waiting to be washed by the sink. Why? Can someone, anyone, explain that to me?

1. Always asks me where certain items of clothing are without looking in his wardrobe. Or even worse, will ask me if he has any socks/underwear... Before just going to the sock/underwear drawer. I don't keep an inventory of sock availability... CHECK THE DRAWER.

So there, if you see me on the 9 o'clock news, you'll know that it was justified.

[AtLastEarwax]

A request for my DH for the patio mass grave too...

Always answering a question with a question

Me: can you pass me the frying pan please
Him: what for?
Me: what the fuck do you think for? To fucking knock you out duck

Explaining myself for a frying pan ffs and others...

[CovoidOfAllHumanity]

OMG OP mine does ALL those exact same things toothpaste smearing, bloody used teabags round the sink and 'love have I got any socks?'

It's a wonder he is still breathing it really is.

[unchienandalusia]

So many. During lockdown the sound of his chewing is enough to see me off.

Worse is leaving his disposable contact case out. Cases I should say. They build up over time. He says it's in case he needs the liquid but then why not throw them out at the end of the day!

Takes his contact lenses out and leaves them on the bedside table. Grrr.

Never uses a plate to butter his toast. Leaves crumbs everywhere

Gets cross if I don't know where he's left something

Scrapes his cutlery across his plate making a hideous sound and, even worse, drags his fork through his teeth

Picks his fingers. All. The. Time.

Walks into my the kitchen and farts. Fart in the room you're in dickhead

And of course last but not least leaves his plate / mug etc NEXT to the dishwasher.

Ohhhh. That felt gooood.

[Sparklfairy]

Can I join in? I don't have a dh but have been staying with DM over lockdown...

Finishes boxes like paracetamol or laundry tablets and puts the empty box back in the cupboard. Completely denies all knowledge and insists it must have been me.

We've got into 'toilet roll wars' where she leaves one sheet on the roll so I always have to change it. Again, denies all knowledge.

If she says something that hurts my feelings, insists I must have 'misinterpreted' when I tell her that was mean. If i hurt her feelings, its officially the worst thing in the world ever. When i suggest she may have 'misinterpreted' she talks over me and says she 'knows' exactly what I meant

Performance tidies up, making as much racket as possible. Then comes into me when I'm working and announces what shes done. As it's the only thing shes done all week she is inevitably disappointed when I don't jump for joy that shes washed 2 plates and her own mug...

I love her really but I am looking forward to going back to mine in a few days

[AtLastEarwax]

@AuditAngel

He never tells the kids to do anything, he tells me to tell the kids.

I am supposed to anticipate his every desire and do it before he thinks about it,

I just have to reply to this. I tell dh sometimes as most of the time he wouldn't do it and would just love to constantly make me look like bad cop rather than a united front

Is that as bad??

[Saz12]

The constant “where should I put this” when he’s tidying. If I ask “what?” he just repeats “where shall I put this?” So I ask again, “where should you put what?” and get “this thing” in reply.... so so so irritating!!!!! I have to go to wherever he is so I can see what it is. Drives me to distraction.
And he mumbles to himself so I never know if he’s speaking to me or not.
And he can never find anything!!! “Where’s the coffee?” “I’m sure there’s some cheese left but I can’t see it”...
And he is just SO messy!!!!

[MistressoftheDarkSide]

Snoring. Like a freight train on bloody steroids. It's not bad enough to seek help apparently. I have a routine of gentle poke, head stroking, re-angling of his neck, shunt to encourage rolling on his side....mostly successful, but when it doesn't work I occasionally lovingly eye up the pillows..... and he wonders why I have insomnia.....

Also like other PPs the expectation that when I say I'm a witch it means I know where all his everyday necessary things are.....

Putting on a film and giving a running commentary on it because he's a massive film geek, and occasionally pausing it to give me further philosophical insights... which I often tune out while surfing the net on my iPad, then asking me a question which requires deep thought requiring me to try and find out what has been talking about without letting on that I really haven't been listening for the last ten minutes.....

But he's basically a good old stick........

[Babyroobs]

We have a little glass pot for the tea bags , one of those glass pots that the nice GU lemon cheesecakes come in.

[101Pizzaqueen]

Only puts the dishes directly in front of him in the dishwasher before turning it on. Heaven forbid there's a spoon in the sink or a mug on the worktop behind him and he has to make the effort to take two steps to reach it.

[MistressoftheDarkSide]

Oh and experimental slow cooker concoctions. Any remains of which are blendered and frozen as stock for future experiments, which never materialise until we can't get anything else in the freezer, at which point something of indeterminate age and dubious content gets whipped up into food and proclaimed perfectly safe. I let him have a portion and wait to see what happens. If he's ok the next morning I might try it.

[Shinyletsbebadguys]

My DP is generally quite well behaved as a rule. However he hasa bloody obsession with shutting every single door every single second its open.

Yes dear I know what the heating bill is but the heating is not on and I've been out o the room for 10 seconds and was coming back with a cup of tea and water for the dc and now I have to aviate getting an old stuck door open with the dog dancing around my feet because you've bloody well shut her out as well.

Honestly he is at the point where he practically races behind me to the door.

Twice he has shut me in a room not realising I as there ...this week!

Yes I know I can open the doors but like most women I am always carrying something to attempt something within the region of tidying up ( which is the equivalent at the moment of dropping a teardrop full of water in a cavern the size of the mariana trench....but at least I try....when I donate to navigate three shut doors with hands full (that were open 2 minutes before when I walked through them....

[makingmiracles]

Ah I’m so lucky in comparison, mine is so housetrained, my only gripes are hes forvever not replacing toilet roll and i go in, sit down and realise there’s none in the bathroom! He drives me slightly insane in other ways-hes quite ocd and i will come home from work and hes reorganised cupboards and drawers etc, so i spend the following weekdays whilst I’m not working trying to find stuff that i need!!

I can relate to the shaving one-every blinking time Ive cleaned the bathroom he chooses to shave, recently hes started doing it in the bath on occasssions which is much better, providing they swill out the bath after the water goes down! Oh and in my house its youngest dd4 who does the toothpaste thing, not dp, drives me nuts!

I have a round Charlie Bingham ramekin, bigger than the gu pots that lives next to the kettle for teabags, ready for food bin at day end, it gets swapped with another for dishwasher after a day or two.

[Jillypots]

Great thread bringing a much needed smile! What is it with men never knowing where anything is? We lived in our last house for 12 years, the knives were kept in the same drawer for the whole 12 years, yet EVERY TIME DH needed a knife he would open all the drawers in the kitchen, instead of going straight to the third drawer down where the knives lived. And he cooked a lot, so was no stranger to the kitchen!

[ItsDinah]

Instant tea. Paper towels.Toothpaste tablets. Take mirror out of bathroom,remove nail clippers and scissors and have Santa bring electric razor and nail file. Wall mounted,irremovable,soap dispenser. A friend always puts a clean folded tea towel in the kitchen sink to deter crockery dumping.Has anyone tried a star chart ? Had been worried about surface movements in under the patio solution but rockery solution is foolproof.

[AtLastEarwax]

@Shinyletsbebadguys

My DP is generally quite well behaved as a rule. However he hasa bloody obsession with shutting every single door every single second its open.

Yes dear I know what the heating bill is but the heating is not on and I've been out o the room for 10 seconds and was coming back with a cup of tea and water for the dc and now I have to aviate getting an old stuck door open with the dog dancing around my feet because you've bloody well shut her out as well.

Honestly he is at the point where he practically races behind me to the door.

Twice he has shut me in a room not realising I as there ...this week!

Yes I know I can open the doors but like most women I am always carrying something to attempt something within the region of tidying up ( which is the equivalent at the moment of dropping a teardrop full of water in a cavern the size of the mariana trench....but at least I try....when I donate to navigate three shut doors with hands full (that were open 2 minutes before when I walked through them....

😂😂😂 genuinely I was howling out loud. That is the funniest thing, just so silly of dh and have this vision of you just stood there rolling your eyes 😂😂😂

[DifficultBloodyWoman]

My DH is pretty good but feels the need to touch and move everything.

A poster up thread said ‘performance tidying’. That is it exactly! He picks things up and moves them five inches away. Or merges things into one pile when I had just sorted them out into three piles for a reason. Grrrr

[user1473878824]

Oh god. The piles of stuff. Making a bigger pile somewhere else that then migrates back to where the original pile was an hour ago isn’t sorting things out. He can’t even use “I’ll take it into the office” now. Not that that ever happened before.

[PringleMcDingle]

What is it with men never knowing where anything is

Ahh yes, the man scan we call it. He couldn't find his own nose if you paid him honestly.

He will insist something isn't there or is lost. I end up sounding like I'm talking to one of the DC 'if I come up there and find it you're in trouble' 🤣 spoiler: I always find it. Typically right in front of his face.

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

I cannot live with other people or I'd be the mass murdereress of Somerset. My own mess and procrastination is annoying enough. I was muttering at myself earlier.

[BasiliskStare]

@Fiona2020 He dug up the garden? Keep your wits about you

[grassisjeweled]

Hands in hips, all the time.

Eats toast over the sink. We have a table. And he's 45.

Asks me where his stuff is. If I ask him, he looks at me like I'm an alien amoeba or something

[ThePluckOfTheCoward]

I'm thinking something like this for my new patio? Or maybe even a nice decking?

I think decking would be easier, less digging. Just build the decking over his body and the rats will do the rest for you.

Or an acid bath ☺️

[DesiderataH]

Man-Looking!!! DH will ask where something is, I'll tell him. Back he comes with the 'I can't find it'' only for me to get up, go to exactly where I said the thing was to find it! The Twat!

[LunaTheCat]

I am thinking of a patio now... all the time I pick up his previous days clothes which he casts over end bed. Today walking from bedroom to laundry I dropped a pair of knickers in hall I had worn last night. He totally refused to pick up “dirty knickers” despite my picking up his worn undies everyday.
A patio isn’t good enough...

[fairypangolin]

Most of the above is very familiar, plus:

-Makes toast every day directly on breadboard, never on plate, leaving smears of marmite or marmalade, never wipes up
-can't put bathmat back up on tub
-puts my and DC's laundry back in wrong places, can't be bothered to look what already is there, despite clothes in same drawrs for 10 plus years

• yes to beard hairs all over sink and floor plus scissors left beside sink

-used my cake skewer to fix something, broke skewer, put it back in drawer

• broke tips off my best knives because couldnt;t be bothered to find screwdriver, put knives back in drawer
• fries bacon or sausages in ton of oil, leaves grease-filled pan on cooker "to cool"
• never opens any post that looks like a bill or invoice, even if addressed to him

-spills coffee in car, never cleans up, car stinks of coffee

• uses bubble bath up given to me as present, never replaces
• pulls smelly socks off, balls them up, drops next to laundry bin
• when doing grocery shop, needs list texted to him, buys only what is on list, comes home, says to me, "you didn't tell me to get bread"
• sneezes everywhere, every day, never covers mouth or nose, claims "it came too fast"

We are getting divorced this year.