To think that we should be more honest about babies' sleep?

[star1401]

Inspired by a few threads on here I've read recently.

When I was pregnant, I had visions of rocking my baby to sleep and putting them gently down in their Moses basket where they settled for a few hours. I was under no illusion that I'd be up a few times feeding in the night, but thought I'd be able to put baby down again and go back to sleep. Aside from the nights where they were teething or poorly, this is how I thought it would be.

The reality was that neither of my babies would be put down to sleep for at least the first few weeks. Or at least if they did, they woke after 10 minutes. It wasn't because of the temperature, or the noise, or their clothing, or reflux. It was because they wanted to be close to me. I've read so many threads lately with new mums feeling so stressed because their babies won't sleep unless on them or being constantly rocked/moved.

AIBU to think that it would be far better to be honest with pregnant/new Mum friends about the realities of babies and sleeping? Yes, there will always be some babies who sleep like angels from day 1. But the vast majority of people that I know have all had babies who won't be put down to sleep.m in the early days. I'm not implying terrifying pregnant woman and telling them they'll "never sleep again." But saying "don't be surprised if your baby won't be put down to sleep, they will probably prefer sleeping on you for the first few weeks/months at least."

I remember feeling like crap because I thought my baby was the only one who wouldn't be put down. No one told me that babies often wake as soon as they are put down and that the fourth trimester is a thing. I wish someone had because I'd have spent less time over trying to get my baby down and more time just accepting that they will only sleep on me and that's that!

I think a lot of people told me this.
I was pleasantly surprised when my second would be put down to sleep without a fuss. Not my first, she hates sleep.

I agree with you.

Neither of mine would be put down - one had reflux and one had a health condition that caused a lot of problems. The second wouldn’t sleep by himself at all until he was three years old.

With my first I spent a lot of time worrying about it and thinking that I was doing something wrong. With my second I just went with the flow and was much happier for it. They both sleep on their own through the night now, it doesn’t matter how long it took them to get there.

I'm going to sit on the fence a bit and say yes and no!

DS (age 3) was horrific as a baby, he had reflux and colic. Wouldn't be put down anywhere for a second, I had to hold him 24/7. It was so bad I stopped drinking any fluids as I knew putting him down to use the toilet would set him off screaming. He slept in my arms every night for 3yrs, and napped lying on me. I blamed myself completely and developed crippling PND. Everyone judged me, even friends.

DD is only 4wks but so far a completely different kettle of fish. Sunny and happy, sleeps in her cot 6-7hrs overnight, naps in swing or Moses basket, never cries. I haven't done anything different. She's just a different personality. It's obviously very early days and could change but that's how she is now.

So yes, those magical easy sleeping babies do exist, but I also don't believe lots of people are completely honest either.

I think a lot of people do already speak openly about babies not sleeping, so much so that when you get a baby who goes the opposite way it tends to be disbelieved!

Far more useful would be to remind new parents that in those early week having a good sleeper or a bad sleeper is not due to anything they have done and its just luck of the draw. I had a great sleeper who slept from 10pm through to 7am every night from birth, I kept getting told off my the midwife and then by the health visitor with orders to wake the baby up and do a feed. The baby had other ideas and would not be woken up so I just went with it. Then I had a baby who started off waking in the night for a feed but by six weeks old was sleeping all night. I was obviously a master parent so I had another. That child did not once sleep through the fucking night for three bastarding years.

Those sleeping babies do exist - we had a baby that was generally pissed off to be a baby all day long and was pretty miserable most the time, but he slept well at night from v young (eternally grateful for this as my nerves were fried at the end of a long day of a grumbly baby!).

However, I do think people speak openly about the reality of a newborn and how a lot of it sucks BUT in my experience, doing so is not well received! Pregnant ladies just don't want to hear it, and tend to view it as people putting a bit of a downer on their excitement. I've learnt to just keep quiet now!

I think basically everyone associates having a new baby with having less sleep, but it's the whole waking up as soon as they're put down thing that really got to me. It's as if I was lead to believe that it must be "because they were too cold" or "because they had wind" or "because they were teething" or whatever, when at times it wasn't any of those things. They just want to be on you constantly. Which I get. I just think if I knew beforehand I could have psyched myself up! Everyone I'd ever spoken to who already had children implied that I'd get less sleep but that their children slept in a cot next to them all night and that was that.

Agree with @FoxyTheFox. I thought I was doing something wrong and fought cosleeping so much I ended up dropping her off the bed when she was only a few days old after 3 full days of zero sleep. It's only pure luck we have a low bed and she unfurled from her blanket rather than just dropped.
My partner spent his time berating me rather than encouraging me or actually reading up on anything so I was left in this minefield, too scared and embarrassed because I felt like the worst human being alive.

She's now a boisterous 2 year old and sleeps in her own toddler bed directly beside ours.

If I ever have another I'm going to safely cosleep if I need to without hesitation.

I wish guidelines wouldn't be so rose tinted

Yep and people still assume that it all gets easier and changes once their 6 weeks or 6 months. People expect life to go back to normal like some kind of Instagram mum. It's not real! I feel like it would help people really understand if they can do it (and want to do it).

And completely agree that safe cosleeping needs to be destigmatised and there to be much more awareness. Explaining the reality of how babies sleep (my hv was useless).
The main issue is that for safe cosleeping you need to breastfeed. That's a whole other topic!

Even things like the way people assume they need to put their child in their own room at 6 months. Even just keeping their bed in yours can help so much with lack of sleep and is completely ok.

We have a 7 month baby that has pretty much slept through the night since birth, with the occasional wake in the night. He refuses to nap during the day regardless how tired he is though.

@Marshmallow91 I co-slept with the non-sleeping one and with the one that followed (who was a mix of sleeping and non-sleeping depending on mood). It was the best thing I ever did because it meant we all slept better. Once they got a bit bigger andwere rolling around in the bed they both tumbled out once or twice, they were around 9-12 months old by that time but I'd anticipated it by making sure there was nothing on the floor on my side of the bed and I moved my bedside cabinet to the other side so they had a straight drop into clear space (our bed was also fairly low). It didn't hurt them and they quickly learned where the edge was. I used to start them off in their own cot/bed at bedtime then they came into my bed from their first wake-up of the night onwards. They both sleep in their own beds now although the youngest sneaks into mine once or twice a week.

Agreed. It’s like so much of parenthood that others don’t warn you about!

Yeah I don’t think pregnant ladies want to hear it. Bit like childbirth stories.

I also had a very grumbly, whingy baby. Exhausting in the day but he did sleep through from about 7 weeks. I figured you can’t have everything. I think that’s most people’s experience with babies.
They’re all different.

And completely agree that safe cosleeping needs to be destigmatised and there to be much more awareness

My HV was amazing with co-sleeping. She told me that if I wanted to co-sleep it wasn't her place to tell me know but she could help me to do it safely, she offered to have a look at my bedroom to see if there were any suggestions she could make and showed me how to tuck the duvet so that I had it over me but there was no way for it to go over the baby. She was great, I miss her now my DC are older!

I'm pregnant and all anyone ever
Says is that I'll never sleep again!

Mine are old now, so I'm totally in hindsight but I totally agree about cosleeping being destigmatised. I tried to do the whole 'put them in a room' thing and it absolutely just caused more stress. I think a lot of babies just need to be with you.

I think new parents should be told that most babies are like any other baby mammal. They will demand to be very close to their mother, most of the time, for at several —years— months.

@BellamyBells

And completely agree that safe cosleeping needs to be destigmatised and there to be much more awareness. Explaining the reality of how babies sleep (my hv was useless). The main issue is that for safe cosleeping you need to breastfeed. That's a whole other topic!

Even things like the way people assume they need to put their child in their own room at 6 months. Even just keeping their bed in yours can help so much with lack of sleep and is completely ok.

No, no, no.

80% of ‘nightmare sleepers’ are of the co-sleeping, breastfed variety. And before you say ‘cause and effect’, I’ve never heard anyone say they started co-sleeping because baby was a nightmare, but I have heard the opposite a few times.

I don't know. I just couldn't handle cosleeping and put ds in his own room from day 3, and it seemed to go ok; he wasn't the best sleeper ever but he was really all right ( I will try and update if he ends up as a serial killer). I don't think it contributed to greater confidence or anything like that, but for us, it worked up to a point.

I think you’re right. I never got the impression that babies not wanting to go down AT ALL was a thing.

My Mum had all three good sleepers so that didn’t help. She used to say to me “oh you were such a terrible sleeper, you didn’t sleep through until you were eight weeks old”

Now I know what a dream a baby sleeping through from just eight weeks would be! My Dd didn’t start reliably not waking at all until she was about 5!

As mentioned above, I genuinely believe sleep is luck. I have one DD who is two and can honestly say we've never had a sleepless night - yes we've had a few nights with multiple wake ups in the early days but I can't remember the last time she woke up in the middle of the night. I never had sleep deprivation. I have no idea how or why DD has been such a good sleeper and I'm not naive enough to think if I had another it would be the same.

Hmm I see where you are coming from but I also dislike the attitude of if your baby doesn't sleep it's because they want to be close to you and just love you so much, they don't want to be parted. Because I had the sleeping Angel baby and worried she just wasn't bothered about me when all my NCT group were discussing how much their babies needed them and mine didn't.

You can't win either way basically!

I'm a bit on the fence with this. DS wouldn't sleep anywhere but on someone for the first couple of weeks but I was genuinely astonished at how much he slept and how short a time he was awake for in between the naps. It didn't necessarily fit with my schedule so I think it's important to acknowledge that days/nights have no real meaning for the first few weeks. I do also think that some people are too over dramatic about it too - I've felt much more tired during busy periods at work when I've done 16+ hours a day, grabbed a few hours sleep and some food and started again for a few weeks at a time. Having a baby is exhausting but there's no real expectation that you'll have to do anything much with your days.

YANBU however I think you can tell people but they still just don’t get it until they’re in it. I have a nearly 7yo who was a very unsettled sleeper from birth until around 3yo. I am now pregnant with my 2nd and have been doing NCT again since it’s such a big age gap and I’m with a new partner and it’s his first. It’s been lovely meeting all the other local couples (on zoom) but all the others are first timers and I just look at them on the zoom screen thinking “you don’t know what you’re in for” I don’t mean to be horrid or negative and I know every baby is different but what I mean is no matter how much you’re told, no matter how much you think you’re prepared and even if you’ve experience of babysitting overnight, nothing can quite prepare you for what it’s going to be like.

I feel like I got a good idea of this from reading MN, rather than speaking to people in real life (apart from two close colleagues, one of whom had a baby who slept through from 8 weeks, and the other whose DS was three and had never slept through.)

Agree though that a lot of conversations with pregnant women are more about fluff and platitudes, honesty is not necessarily welcomed!