To think that we should be more honest about babies' sleep?

[star1401]

Inspired by a few threads on here I've read recently.

When I was pregnant, I had visions of rocking my baby to sleep and putting them gently down in their Moses basket where they settled for a few hours. I was under no illusion that I'd be up a few times feeding in the night, but thought I'd be able to put baby down again and go back to sleep. Aside from the nights where they were teething or poorly, this is how I thought it would be.

The reality was that neither of my babies would be put down to sleep for at least the first few weeks. Or at least if they did, they woke after 10 minutes. It wasn't because of the temperature, or the noise, or their clothing, or reflux. It was because they wanted to be close to me. I've read so many threads lately with new mums feeling so stressed because their babies won't sleep unless on them or being constantly rocked/moved.

AIBU to think that it would be far better to be honest with pregnant/new Mum friends about the realities of babies and sleeping? Yes, there will always be some babies who sleep like angels from day 1. But the vast majority of people that I know have all had babies who won't be put down to sleep.m in the early days. I'm not implying terrifying pregnant woman and telling them they'll "never sleep again." But saying "don't be surprised if your baby won't be put down to sleep, they will probably prefer sleeping on you for the first few weeks/months at least."

I remember feeling like crap because I thought my baby was the only one who wouldn't be put down. No one told me that babies often wake as soon as they are put down and that the fourth trimester is a thing. I wish someone had because I'd have spent less time over trying to get my baby down and more time just accepting that they will only sleep on me and that's that!

@Wondermule I have started cosleeping recently because my baby is a nightmare at sleeping. There are actually a huge number of people in my facebook due date group having to resort to cosleeping at 7/8 months because of this, having never coslept before.

I never coslept with my first, she slept for 10 hours a night from a couple of weeks of age. I have done nothing different with this one, she just doesn't sleep.

I think the problem is that you can tell people about sleep deprivation, and how newborns won't be put down and just want to sleep on you, but until you experience that crippling middle of the night despair of being so tired you can't keep your eyes open, but also can't put your baby down because it cries, you just can't understand. You have to experience it to believe it!

@BirdIsland

I think the problem is that you can tell people about sleep deprivation, and how newborns won't be put down and just want to sleep on you, but until you experience that crippling middle of the night despair of being so tired you can't keep your eyes open, but also can't put your baby down because it cries, you just can't understand. You have to experience it to believe it!

Definitely agree

@BellamyBells yes! I had a terrible sleeper from newborn stage, but was genuinely shocked when at 6 months old she didn't suddenly start sleeping through, in fact she was at her absolute worst at 6-10 months and it nearly broke us as we'd been looking forward to our lives resuming again. The reality was when she was 8 months old we ended up cancelling a holiday we'd optimistically booked just after she was born, as we couldn't face travelling and staying away whilst so sleep deprived.

@BirdIsland I agree with that.

I think maybe you also bury your head in the sand about it all when pregnant and hope that won't happen to you.

I feel like I had a bit of smug "well my baby won't be like that because I'll do xyz..." attitude when I was pregnant. I read a meme the other day that said, "Once upon a time I was a perfect parent. Then I had children. The end." Sums me up!

Hmm, to be honest I think that the idea that babies don't sleep well is pretty entrenched in parental/prospective parents talk, books, websites etc alongside the ubiquitous references to lack of sleep that you see in the media. But it is very easy when you want a baby, and you are excited about being a parent, to block that out or tell yourself that it won't be like that for you. There's an awful lot of honesty about the shit bits of parenting, if you are inclined to look for it.

[quote star1401]@BirdIsland I agree with that.

I think maybe you also bury your head in the sand about it all when pregnant and hope that won't happen to you.

I feel like I had a bit of smug "well my baby won't be like that because I'll do xyz..." attitude when I was pregnant. I read a meme the other day that said, "Once upon a time I was a perfect parent. Then I had children. The end." Sums me up! [/quote]
Exactly! Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Yanbu. I remember those early days of desperately trying to get DD to sleep in a Moses basket, it is was so upsetting for both of us. I wish I had known more about the benefits of co sleeping and that it can be done safely if following lullaby trust co sleeping guidelines.

[quote shhhbabysleeping]@Wondermule I have started cosleeping recently because my baby is a nightmare at sleeping. There are actually a huge number of people in my facebook due date group having to resort to cosleeping at 7/8 months because of this, having never coslept before.

I never coslept with my first, she slept for 10 hours a night from a couple of weeks of age. I have done nothing different with this one, she just doesn't sleep.[/quote]
Absolutely, I’m not saying this doesn’t happen.

But purely from my own anecdotal evidence, the whole co-sleeping thing is part of a fashionable parenting style which many women decide to do from before the baby’s birth.

If it worked in getting babies to sleep for longer, we wouldn’t have so many posts from desperately tired, co-sleeping mums!

I agree with @MaryShelley1818 completely, ds is 4 and although now a fab sleeper he was 10.5 months before he slept through and even then it was a random one off until he was 2.5! He just wasn't so keen on sleeping at night. Dd is 10 weeks and has slept through more times than not already, I haven't done anything differently, she's just different.
I do, however, remember feeling like the worst mummy in the world with ds because the rest of our nct group seemed to have marginal babies that slept all night etc, nobody else talked about lack of sleep other than the odd night around vaccinations!
I think a gentle warning that it could be like that would be helpful, I was all set for it this time and it didn't happen 🤣

[quote star1401]@BirdIsland I agree with that.

I think maybe you also bury your head in the sand about it all when pregnant and hope that won't happen to you.

I feel like I had a bit of smug "well my baby won't be like that because I'll do xyz..." attitude when I was pregnant. I read a meme the other day that said, "Once upon a time I was a perfect parent. Then I had children. The end." Sums me up! [/quote]
I always say I was a fantastic mum before I had a child 😂

80% of ‘nightmare sleepers’ are of the co-sleeping, breastfed variety. And before you say ‘cause and effect’, I’ve never heard anyone say they started co-sleeping because baby was a nightmare, but I have heard the opposite a few times.

@Wondermule I started cosleeping when my baby became a nightmare.

I didn’t cosleep when my dd was only waking up once or twice a night (from about 3 weeks to just before 4 months) but when the 4 month regression hit she started walking every 1.5 hours and having her in her own cot was killing me as I got properly awake trying to settle her back down in it and would sometimes only just have gone back to sleep when she woke again.

Since about 5 months we’ve coslept and she wakes every 2ish hours at nearly 8 months but it’s completely manageable because I can go back to sleep immediately.

My first was an absolute nightmare. Couldn't put him down at all. My second was completely different. On the first night home from hospital I remember feeding him before we went to bed once in the night and then I woke in a panic at 8.30am. I felt on top of the world! At 3 weeks he dropped the middle of the night feed. I can honestly say that we never had a bad night (save the odf stomach bug).
I am eternally grateful that I had the dreadful sleeper first..

I'm not sure a lot of babies actually like being on their backs. Mine both started sleeping through when they could roll and then slept on their fronts into toddlerhood. As babies I'd never have any issues with them falling asleep in a bouncer chair during the day but move them to their back and they'd wake and cry. I completely understand with the SIDS risk why they must always sleep on their backs and I never once put them down on their fronts despite awful sleep for many months on end but I can see why in previous generations babies were thought to be better off on their fronts.

Agree with a pp that work is more exhausting though. Always amused me slightly when HVs etc asked how I was coping - I was having a lovely time, one baby is much easier than looking after 30 primary children and actually having to teach them stuff at the same time.

I am probably thinking of the same thread op, and the new mum in question said she had thought this time would be 'magical'. I didn't post there as not appropriate, but why on earth are we leading new parents to believe the first few weeks after birth will be magical? What sort of magic includes sleep deprivation, depression, bickering partners, birth injuries, sore boobs, dodgy finances and unwanted visitors? I'm going to go with 'probably the hardest thing you will ever do'!

One of the worst things about having a non-sleeper were other people. We had really close friends with a baby maybe 9 weeks younger who was a sleeper. So 13 hours overnight from 5 weeks old, sleeping in till 9am. They still think they didn't rub it in how unfortunate we were to have a non sleeper, but oh yes they did!! Constantly giving us advice, 'oh, have you just tried putting him down?'

Er no pal, hadn't entered my head to just try that!!

I think the fact that they don’t sleep is well spoken about. It’s just that people try to convince you that there is something you can do about it!

Mine were terrible terrible sleepers until they weren’t. One I followed every bit of sleep advice and the other I just co slept with and didn’t bother trying. They both turned into better sleepers at roughly the same time

You're right. Same goes with breastfeeding and cluster feeding. Too many mums don't realise cluster feeding is normal and associate it with lack of supply.

BUT I do think you can tell someone 100 times but until they experie they'll never really understand. I was warned to make the most of my time to myself before I had kids. Yet I yearned for children and rarely appreciated the freedom I had. Now I'd do anything for a week to myself. So I'm not sure how much telling people really helps. Although maybe a pack from midwives with a common FAQ guide around this sort of thing would be helpful.

@DarcyJack

I am probably thinking of the same thread op, and the new mum in question said she had thought this time would be 'magical'. I didn't post there as not appropriate, but why on earth are we leading new parents to believe the first few weeks after birth will be magical? What sort of magic includes sleep deprivation, depression, bickering partners, birth injuries, sore boobs, dodgy finances and unwanted visitors? I'm going to go with 'probably the hardest thing you will ever do'!

SO true! Haha. I'm due any day now and having had kids already, am dreading the newborn phase. It sucks. It's hard work. Luckily this time I know it passes but it sure isn't magical that's for sure. I remember before having them I thought it was a case of laying there watching them sleeping and smiling at how lovely they were. In reality you're feeding them, trying not to fall asleep and counting down the hours until the next feed 😴

Even if you are told the realities, and I was, I don't think you can actually understand how hard it is until you are in it so I don't necessarily think it would be that helpful.

I think I was pretty well prepared, mostly because we were late to have a baby compared to our friends so we got the gory details and our NCT course leader was pretty honest!

I'd add:
Sleep isn't linear, it can change at any point (usually when you've had a couple of wines🤢)
It's not all related to hunger. Baby can be full and still be awake/fussy
FF does not guarantee good sleep.

I don't think overall it makes babies sleep for longer, so I do agree with you there. But at the moment my DD won't sleep in her cot full stop even if I am in the room with her, she will however sleep in my bed.
It is absolutely a choice for some, but probably for most I know it's pure desperation .
I think I need to change my username to ffsbabynotsleeping

In my experience everyone tells you horror stories about babies crying constantly the second you get pregnant. I'm now four and a half weeks in with a baby who sleeps pretty well (so far!).

I think down to luck. Maybe nature throws in some good sleepers to increase the liklihood of second children 😂.

Most babies prefer to sleep on their mum but I find the length of time this has to go on for really comes down to the mum. DD1 lasted 5weeks or so until I couldn't take it anymore and weaned her off me so to speak! So I learnt with dD2 to not let it become a habit in the first place. I think it often comes from a first time mum fear. Both of mine had bad reflux too.

If you're happy to have them on you all the time that's completely fine but I wish the mums that hated it as much as I did knew it was ok to put a stop to it too! My sister still rocks my niece to sleep and she has all her naps in her arms - she's almost one! It causes my sister stress as she can't get anything done or ever have down time, but she's too afraid of upsetting the baby so she shoves her own needs to the side. To me that's just madness.

I think it’s just something that needs to be experienced. No one wants to be told their life is over when having a baby and that’s what the no sleep warnings sound like.

It’s no different to being told to save money when your young. Hind sight is a wonderful thing!