To think that we should be more honest about babies' sleep?

[star1401]

Inspired by a few threads on here I've read recently.

When I was pregnant, I had visions of rocking my baby to sleep and putting them gently down in their Moses basket where they settled for a few hours. I was under no illusion that I'd be up a few times feeding in the night, but thought I'd be able to put baby down again and go back to sleep. Aside from the nights where they were teething or poorly, this is how I thought it would be.

The reality was that neither of my babies would be put down to sleep for at least the first few weeks. Or at least if they did, they woke after 10 minutes. It wasn't because of the temperature, or the noise, or their clothing, or reflux. It was because they wanted to be close to me. I've read so many threads lately with new mums feeling so stressed because their babies won't sleep unless on them or being constantly rocked/moved.

AIBU to think that it would be far better to be honest with pregnant/new Mum friends about the realities of babies and sleeping? Yes, there will always be some babies who sleep like angels from day 1. But the vast majority of people that I know have all had babies who won't be put down to sleep.m in the early days. I'm not implying terrifying pregnant woman and telling them they'll "never sleep again." But saying "don't be surprised if your baby won't be put down to sleep, they will probably prefer sleeping on you for the first few weeks/months at least."

I remember feeling like crap because I thought my baby was the only one who wouldn't be put down. No one told me that babies often wake as soon as they are put down and that the fourth trimester is a thing. I wish someone had because I'd have spent less time over trying to get my baby down and more time just accepting that they will only sleep on me and that's that!

I had one that was your vision of a sleepy baby from day 1 and another who screamed murder whatever I did, rocking, driving, nothing would settle him. Both slept 7-7 without waking from 6 months. The refluxy one was always poorly, fevers, sleep all day, vomit at night etc.. through toddler years so every few months would sleep poorly.

I think people ARE honest its just your luck and child etc.

I asked my DM about this tonight - apparently, I was an angel sleeper from 5 days old and DF used to drive DM nuts by prodding me in the middle of the night to check I was still existing, cue the wrath of the sleepy gods from me. DSIS on the other hand was apparently a categorical nightmare with sleep...don't think DParents knew what they'd let themselves in for with a second!

(Apparently I just caused absolute calamity instead every single time someone who wasn't DM, DP or my childminder tried to pick me up and hold me. Heaven FORBID either of my grandmothers should attempt to hold me. No, no, no!)

I'm on the fence to like PP.

I think there is no point worrying a pregnant lady, putting extra pressure on them and scaring them.
But I think maybe preparing for the worst and being surprised might be nice.
I was unexpectedly pregnant quite young with my first and I didnt really have time to think! I was told about sleepless nights and how I was going to be so tired. But both my daughters slept through from 10 weeks. I even spoke to HV asking if I should wake them up! They have always been great sleepers and great babies. So easy.
But when my eldest turned 2.. now that's a different story!! She was saving it up! Now she runs rings around me! Now I'm tired!!!

I don't understand why anyone would sugarcoat it. Some babies are easy, some are hard. It depends on what you take from others experiences. My first was difficult to put down in the cot, my second simply does not care. It's trial and error I suppose.

Parenting is a minefield. What works for one might not work for others.. and if you're sleep deprived you try ANYTHING.

Amazon made a lot of money off me with my first baby: dream sheep, gro clock etc. but you do what you need to do to survive at the end of the day. X

... and how different they are. There’s no magical solution. Our DS slept from the start. He still does 12/13 hours. DD is a different story. Not yet two and she’s only slept through and in her own cot once and then was the night before walking up with a hideous ear infection. We did nothing differently with the two of them...
Strangely such bad pregnancy insomnia with DD so it’s been 2 years since I’ve slept...

My first two hardly slept for the first two years of there lives comfort feeding and having to co sleep with them they are now 7 and 5 and still don't sleep a full night. Also have a toddler recently weaned him off breast and his sleep is horrific he cry's all night so have ended up co sleeping with him too.

I remember at antenatal classes when pregnant with first dd they said routine is key, most babies sleep through the night from 6 weeks bla bla bla was blatant lies haha. A couple of my friends kids slept full 12 hours but mine never went longer than an hour or two without being on me or feeding x

@WaitingForNormality

Those sleeping babies do exist - we had a baby that was generally pissed off to be a baby all day long and was pretty miserable most the time, but he slept well at night from v young (eternally grateful for this as my nerves were fried at the end of a long day of a grumbly baby!).

However, I do think people speak openly about the reality of a newborn and how a lot of it sucks BUT in my experience, doing so is not well received! Pregnant ladies just don't want to hear it, and tend to view it as people putting a bit of a downer on their excitement. I've learnt to just keep quiet now!

@WaitingForNormality this made me laugh my baby is exactly the same! She's miserable as hell during the day but from being about 4 weeks old she's slept a good 10 hours at night, sometimes more if she times her last feed right!

I am torn on this. My DS slept through from the age of 9 weeks and even before that he only used to wake once or twice in the night. And the truth is that people don’t want to know that.

I’ve seen threads on here from posters saying that they think it’s insensitive to mention good sleep because so many parents aren’t that lucky.

But having said that, obviously there are newborns who won’t sleep because of colic/whatever,and those should absolutely be acknowledged

However, there comes a point where babies should be able to be sleep trained, where expecting them to fall into their own sleep pattern if you’ve never tried to introduce one is unrealistic, and so if your 2/3/4 year old refuses to go to sleep without their parent lying next to them/feeding them/patting them until they sleep the parent does bear some responsibility for that, and that if this happens sometimes parents need to be cruel to be kind, and many struggle with that and don’t want to hear it.

My DD(32) was wonderful as a baby. Slept through the night from 4 weeks old. Move forward a few years my DS(22) was a NIGHTMARE! Woke every 2 hours for about 7 months. I perfected the zombie look for myself. I thought it would never end.

I was so scared to do sleep with my first and the first few months were miserable.

With the next 2 we co slept from day one. They’d wake up, feed and go back to sleep.

My eldest is a young adult now and has disabilities. He has never ever slept through the night, sometimes not going to sleep at all and he needs watching when awake hence it being 3am and me being wide awake 😂

God yes. I wish I'd known that when DD refused to sleep if I put her down, that was normal and ok! Those first few months were unbelievably stressful because I had it in my head that it was "wrong" to let her sleep on me. Looking back it was clearly what nature intended.

Not sure who you've been talking to OP, surely lack of sleep/waking up is the number one thing mentioned (usually in crowing tones) to prospective parents. This information is literally everywhere, internet, books, and of course every single person who won't bloody stop telling you over and over.

Another side to this is that you can't really prepare yourself for physical things like pain or tiredness. You can tell yourself how horrible it will be but that doesn't take away the pain later when it's actually happening.

My two when babies, just slept in a carry cot thing by the side of my bed for about four weeks old, and then went into a cot in there little own room afterwards, i would have never thought about co-sleeping, at all, and especially never when they were two,or three years old and later. You should get babies into a routine, and they will get used to it quite quickly. If you have babies or small children in bed with you, they will equally get used to that also, which to me is not having a proper routine.

I was told all the negative stuff about sleep and found the opposite , I guess there’s a whole spectrum . I had to set a timer to wake her up to feed because she was underweight . At first she seemed to be asleep all the time. Everyone’s experience is different.

After being in the womb for 9 months its very natural for baby to sleep on mum.

Its not a negative...i loved baby sleeping on my chest.

It's not just newborns or babies though , two of my dcs woke a bit until they were one but could settle easily. One of my dc had what we think was severe reflux and woke constantly until they were 3....It wasn't behavioural as they clearly didn't want to be awake and there was no habits associated with it.
We tried everything, sleep training, co-sleeping, allergy testing etc etc. nothing worked, they just eventually stopped.
I genuinely never knew about older kids waking pre-kids and yes I would have really appreciated knowing a bit more. I know pregnant women hate hearing negativity but for me it was the total opposite, I only heard about how after 6 month babies settle and everything is easy. I hear it all the time on here,
"it gets so much easier after 6 weeks, 6 months a year etc.", I found toddlers a million times more difficult than babies tbh. Everyone's experience is different but I had no idea how older kids could sleep so badly, everyone also assumes its parents of newborns who are sleep deprived, I had newborn type sleep for years....

@1forAll74 , we had a great routine from the very start , very similar to yours, one of our dcs still didn't sleep properly until they were older, two of them slept fine. It was nothing we did wrong.

Also formula-fed babies sleep way better in general. I bf but I'm in Ireland and most people formula feed and their babies all seem to sleep way better.

@FoxyTheFox

I think a lot of people do already speak openly about babies not sleeping, so much so that when you get a baby who goes the opposite way it tends to be disbelieved!

Far more useful would be to remind new parents that in those early week having a good sleeper or a bad sleeper is not due to anything they have done and its just luck of the draw. I had a great sleeper who slept from 10pm through to 7am every night from birth, I kept getting told off my the midwife and then by the health visitor with orders to wake the baby up and do a feed. The baby had other ideas and would not be woken up so I just went with it. Then I had a baby who started off waking in the night for a feed but by six weeks old was sleeping all night. I was obviously a master parent so I had another. That child did not once sleep through the fucking night for three bastarding years.

I agree.

I am often scoffed at when I say both my DC slept through from early on. DS1 was a nightmare at naps, DS2 abandoned daytime napping completely at 18 months. But he hasn't woken in the night unless he is ill since then. I could probably count on one hand the times I've been up in the night with him since and he's 5 now. So being honest means it is the luck of the draw and you have no idea what kind of sleeper you will have.

Even if people are told, they don't listen, think they will know and do it better. I know I thought like that when I was pregnant with DS1. But how wrong I was

Actually I think this is portrayed often in TV and films, Life in Pieces is an example off the top of my head where the new parents are sleep deprived and on edge on case someone wakes the baby.
I think I did expect bad sleep at first from speaking to friends with babies. What I wasn't prepared for is that it might take months or even years until they sleep on their own all night. I think we are given the impression that after about 12 weeks sleep improves and magically better and that once they start solid food they will sleep all night. This was not my expeat all and it did make me wonder where I was going wrong!

There's a huge genetic component to sleep, just like with many other things. My three were dreadful sleepers (didn't sleep through til age 2) and my sister & I were the same. I do look back with nostalgia, but the lack of sleep was horrible. Seven years of broken sleep.

@Sooverthis1

Also formula-fed babies sleep way better in general. I bf but I'm in Ireland and most people formula feed and their babies all seem to sleep way better.

My formula bed baby would disagree with this lol

What is the truth about babies a generation ago? Were people more keen to sleep train at a younger age? Were older formulas heavier and made babies more sleepy? Have our parents just forgotten how long it really took babies to sleep through?

Yes but I did already know that. It was discussed in my antenatal classes and I had seen some of my friends go through it. I was under no illusion that I would be getting much sleep.