To think that we should be more honest about babies' sleep?

[star1401]

Inspired by a few threads on here I've read recently.

When I was pregnant, I had visions of rocking my baby to sleep and putting them gently down in their Moses basket where they settled for a few hours. I was under no illusion that I'd be up a few times feeding in the night, but thought I'd be able to put baby down again and go back to sleep. Aside from the nights where they were teething or poorly, this is how I thought it would be.

The reality was that neither of my babies would be put down to sleep for at least the first few weeks. Or at least if they did, they woke after 10 minutes. It wasn't because of the temperature, or the noise, or their clothing, or reflux. It was because they wanted to be close to me. I've read so many threads lately with new mums feeling so stressed because their babies won't sleep unless on them or being constantly rocked/moved.

AIBU to think that it would be far better to be honest with pregnant/new Mum friends about the realities of babies and sleeping? Yes, there will always be some babies who sleep like angels from day 1. But the vast majority of people that I know have all had babies who won't be put down to sleep.m in the early days. I'm not implying terrifying pregnant woman and telling them they'll "never sleep again." But saying "don't be surprised if your baby won't be put down to sleep, they will probably prefer sleeping on you for the first few weeks/months at least."

I remember feeling like crap because I thought my baby was the only one who wouldn't be put down. No one told me that babies often wake as soon as they are put down and that the fourth trimester is a thing. I wish someone had because I'd have spent less time over trying to get my baby down and more time just accepting that they will only sleep on me and that's that!

I think it’s the opposite- people are weirdly negative about babies and it wasn’t as hard as everyone made out. Glossed a lot over the good bits

I agree with you. None of my kids slept before age 3 and for the first six months of their lives they barely napped in the day and had to be cuddled to sleep.
I just think babies don’t sleep and we should accept it

I don't think many people share your vision of how dealing with a newborn would be, it sounds very naïve.

It’s all luck and nobody wants to hear about it so it’s a surprise for most.

It’s a really hard one- we had a couple of friends whose babies really did sleep well from day 2,3 or within a few weeks. Lucky for them.

Our DS didn’t. He wanted to be asleep, but couldn’t self-settle and had to be rocked throughout the night to sleep for hours until he was 7 months. On the verge of a breakdown, we did sleep training.

Mine wasn’t a baby who just woke, fed and went back to sleep either- that I could have lived with, but the walking around with him, rocking, picking him up and putting down...it was hell. He was heavy from birth so it was murder on my arms and back, and I did the majority of the nights and feeding. It nearly broke me.

I know of one friend who won’t have any more children in case it happened again. It wouldn’t be the sole reason I’d stop at one, but the thought of doing it again is terrifying...it was a large part of why I ended up with PND, from which I’ve never really recovered.

No amount of being warned or told could have prepared me.

My son was an absolute dream woke up a couple of times per night for a bottle slept threw from 12 weeks absolutely perfect baby and I was a smug mum... he reached 2 and a half and it’s all change and he’s been sleeping in he’s with us. Kicks to the head won’t go in his own room... I got my karma

Yanbu!

Well I had a magical sleeping baby but it all went to shit when she was 2.5 and it's only a bit better now she's 4.5 so I don't know. I think all of parenting is hard but you don't know which bit is going to be the hardest until you're in it. And would anyone listen anyway?

Everyone was really open with me about what babies can be like.

My reality was really not that bad. DD is a bit poorer sleep wise but I never had the problem where they wouldnt sleep at all unless being held, I found that swaddling worked or using sleepyhead type things/rolled towel. Also waiting until they had been asleep at least 20 mins and had gone into deeper sleep (floppy arm check!) was essential before putting them down.

Theres a huge range of normal.among my peer group I would say the really shocking poor sleepers were the minority compared to most of our babies who would do at least things like a couple of 2 hour chunks plus one longer chunk overnight which really isnt bad.

@CrazyKitkatLady

80% of ‘nightmare sleepers’ are of the co-sleeping, breastfed variety. And before you say ‘cause and effect’, I’ve never heard anyone say they started co-sleeping because baby was a nightmare, but I have heard the opposite a few times.

@Wondermule I started cosleeping when my baby became a nightmare.

I didn’t cosleep when my dd was only waking up once or twice a night (from about 3 weeks to just before 4 months) but when the 4 month regression hit she started walking every 1.5 hours and having her in her own cot was killing me as I got properly awake trying to settle her back down in it and would sometimes only just have gone back to sleep when she woke again.

Since about 5 months we’ve coslept and she wakes every 2ish hours at nearly 8 months but it’s completely manageable because I can go back to sleep immediately.

My little one is nearly 2 and has been through all the regressions - I never switched to co-sleeping, and although it was brutal, the regressions only ever lasted a couple of weeks.

I don’t think co-sleeping helps in terms of getting baby to sleep longer, but it just means you don’t have to get up to settle them.

My personal hunch is that co-sleeping effectively prolongs the regression as you have the additional problem of them getting used to sleeping with you there, waking up a bit if you roll over etc.

I think if you can push through the regression without doing it, it’s better in the long run, but I know that isn’t easy when you’re exhausted.

Shirleyphallus I felt like that!

My two DD's were pretty good sleepers after about 6 months, eldest one used to wake up for a feed at about 4am until she was nearly one but would go straight back down. The preceding 6 months were a fucking nightmare.

My DSis is due to have a c-section next week, it's her first baby. Neither myself or my other sisters are allowed to talk to her about anything "bad" (i.e REAL!) and I really don't think she or her partner know what's about to hit them, they've got two holidays booked over the next few months including one when baby will be 5/6 weeks old and one abroad in July 😂 All I can say is that I wish them well and I will be mightily impressed if they manage it!

I think if you can push through the regression without doing it, it’s better in the long run, but I know that isn’t easy when you’re exhausted.

This. My two had all the regressions too. I have been known to sleep talk and walk/have very vivid dreams so felt co sleeping was not safe, so they just had to go in the cot, no option

Sleep is overrated anyway ;)

I wish guidelines wouldn't be so rose tinted

This is what I struggled with.

There was the perfect way to do things and my baby just wouldn't accept them a lot of the time! I found the first few weeks very stressful because I was so worried about not doing something exactly how you were supposed to.

In the end, we had to accept a mix of things that worked for our baby, and I'm sure some may have received a frown or tut from the HV but I really didn't appreciate the sleeplessness beforehand!

I had nights where I'd keep the car seat by the side of the bed for 'emergencies' because sometimes it was the only place he'd sleep for a short while. Very naughty according to the perfect guidelines but sometimes it was that or fall asleep with him on me which I felt was more dangerous.

I think no matter how much experience you have minding or spending time with children nothing prepares you for your own. My little boy was a relatively good sleeper but the fussiest baby ever particularly when teething. I knew babies cried but didn't think it could go on for ten solid hours on a regular basis. I think everyone has a friend who has a unicorn baby that slept through from birth and never cries but it's all in the luck of the draw.

@Wondermule I started cosleeping with DD1 when she was 6 months old because she was a nightmare sleeper.

Yes! I thought the sleep would be up and down initially and then would gradually get better from 6-8 weeks until they slept well, probably from 3 or 4 months. This was not how it went for us!

It was the aspect of parenting I most beat myself up about- my son was not a good sleeper and I was completely convinced it was my ‘fault’ and that it needed to be ‘fixed’ It caused so much heartache because I thought I was just doing a terrible job. I think really, he was reasonably ‘normal’ it’s just my expectations that were wrong!

He is now 3, sleeps through most night’s fine and is a happy and bright boy. He just needed to be close to me every night for so much longer than I had ever predicted!!

[quote Thatwentbadly]@Wondermule I started cosleeping with DD1 when she was 6 months old because she was a nightmare sleeper.[/quote]
Did it work? When did she sleep through?

Currently trying to resettle my five month old who is spark out till I put him down... so yep! I’m feeling this thread 😂

In the first three days after having my twins I felt tricked, hoodwinked and lied to.

Yeah people said being a new parent is tiring and there would be sleep deprivation. But I imagined it being like that time I went on a 36hr long haul journey and couldn’t sleep well on the plane or across the plastic airport chairs when my connection was delayed...

On night 2 when I’d had 30 mins sleep in the last 24, wasn’t allowed out of bed yet, husband couldn’t stay at night and I was trapped in a room with two screaming newborns I just cried and cried when the midwife finally answered my buzzer and said “yes this is what it’s like.”
I’d asked her if that little sleep was normal 🤦‍♀️

In the first three days after having my twins I felt tricked, hoodwinked and lied to

I remember thinking after about 5 days of next to no sleep that people with twins deserved a bloody knighthood 🤣

I think we should be more honest about the fact that all babies are different. What works brilliantly for one just won’t for another. My first DD was a bloody awful sleeper; DD2 was almost never awake. There’s an expectation of homogeneity that’s unhelpful; it’s not “your fault” if you get one that won’t sleep....

It was hell for me! I thought she would never sleep.all night. Went on till she was 4 or 5. X

I agree OP, certainly I was taken by surprise by my first baby; I had no idea you didn't just lay them down in a cot after feeding and they'd then do all the sleeping they needed to do. Instead I got hours of rhythmically pacing round patting a tiny bottom while, it seemed, everyone else in the world was asleep. Every time I tried to put her in the beautiful new cot, however carefully, eyes would start to open and noises of distress started up again. I despaired, literally despaired, wondering what I was doing wrong, what was wrong with HER!

There's probably one post a week on here by a new mother feeling the same way - who obviously had no idea, as I didn't, that very tiny babies mostly prefer to sleep being held. (I appreciate some are not like this.)

It's a shock to the system, especially if you've never done it before. It doesn't last forever but you don't know that while you're sleepless and anxious and trying everything and nothing works except letting the baby sleep on you. Love them as we do, we weren't prepared for so much baby!

I was prepared the second time and just accepted I'd be co-sleeping from the start. Much less distress all around and more sleep for me AND DD2. (I know that doesn't work for everyone.)

Struggling mothers should look around the Sleep section here, because there are nearly always others going through it too, and I think they'd find it comforting - many of them think THEY are doing something wrong. But when you think about it, it's obvious that a tiny baby would want to be close to its parent at all times, and would only feel relaxed enough to sleep if assured of comfort and safety and closeness.

My two when newborns were fine. Not unicorn baby's by any stretch but they generally went back to sleep after a feed and gave me 2-3 hour stretches, which gradually increased. We had the abroad holiday at 6w that a previous poster laughed at for her relative, I hosted parties, I wore make up and had nicely done hair. It was the best time of my life. Nowhere near what people predicted for me.

But where people seemed to think sleep got better, they don't earn that sleep isn't linear. That a good sleeper can turn into a bad sleeper and that the most exausting time is often later.

My first got worse at the 4m regression and it took her until the age of nearly 3 to be as good a sleeper as she was at 3m old, and a few months longer to start mostly sleeping through.

The youngest also got worse from 4m and was at her worst from 6-12m where it she would usually either be up 10+ times a night, or less wakings but also awake for 3hrs in the night. She's nearly 2 and it's usually 1-3 wake ups and I'm up between 1-3 hours a night with her still.

New parents get the sympathy, the meal vouchers, even literally the support bubbles, but no one thinks that it's the parents of toddlers that often get less sleep, with also juggling work and less opportunity to nap in the day.

Newborn first time motherhood was for me, a dream. I'm happy, and I have no regrets, but gone is the glossy hair, make up and decent skin of the newborn days.

I appreciate that some babies are harder as newborns than others, but the same goes for older children too. Urgh.