If you have respectful teenagers answer me this

[flobberdobberrr]

How did you discipline them / what did you say to them at times they were not disrespectful.

I have younger children. One with ASD. I'd love them to turn out like that. It's so hard to know I'm doing it right.

All people ever seem to say is "oh I didn't have to do much" and it's not helpful, I want to know how situations were dealt with when it wasn't going well. I want to get it right now.
Please help 🙏

I started when they were still very young. Always please and thank yous etc. “Best” behaviour when out and about. No messing in restaurants (had occasionally to take one outside if they refused to behave).Explaining about being considerate to other people- ie can’t always do exactly what we want etc. Answering people properly and expecting them to hold a polite conversation if we bumped into friends etc. They are now both late teens and early 20s and everyone always commented how polite they are. Lots of things I didn’t do well as a parent (hindsight is wonderful) but I am really proud of how they’ve grown into well mannered, polite people. Of course they’ve always had odd off days, but we all do that

From the start I was lenient but refused to tolerate lack of respect for people, their things and our things. The teenage years were tough and I do think it was in part because I am a lone parent.

We had lots of drama and some punishment. I was trying to raise an adult and it's hard going. But through it all with everyone else he was a delight! He is now well rounded and decent.

Not all the time, and i havent even said anything to her but i noticed she had been in the shower for ages and then another five minutes on top. Her showers take the piss but i know from experience that asking her to take a shorter shower wont achieve anything.

@Floralnomad

I was a very relaxed parent , not many rules but I was definitely the parent not a friend IYSWIM . I always insisted on good manners , not saying anything if you can’t say something nice and generally being respectful of the house and their belongings and that was from the moment they could talk and walk . Now both lovely adults .

⬆️This. Tough on good manners and teaching them that people will always remember how they made them feel so they were always polite and respectful with other people even if not always at home (because that just isn’t always possible when you are a hormonal, unhappy teenager). And learning to pick my battles!

Bloody hell @Number3BigCupOfTea I've got 3 teen dds and wouldn't even dream of keeping track of how long they spend in the shower! I'm pretty sure I spend more than 10 mins in the shower when I'm washing my hair. How controlling.

It's a lot about modelling behaviour I reckon. I try to respect them and their opinions, I listen to them and speak respectfully and reasonably to them. I make it clear that I expect the same in return. Rudeness and disrespect is just absolutely unacceptable, but disagreement and healthy conflict is not. I try to model apologising when I have got things wrong (really hard for me!) but also have no problem with setting some firm boundaries and rules that emphasise that at the end of the day we as parents are in charge and we do things for their benefit. However I think that the firm boundaries/rules need to be on what you as a parent see as the essentials . . . . too many rules and the teen will want to rebel, and nagging over lots of little things sets the scene for loads of negative conflict. Disrespect/rudeness is clamped down on with a loss of privileges such as phone or PS4 (within reason obvs, if there is a moment of sassiness or a slightly rude comment for which there is an immediate apology then I let it go). It also helps I think to build the relationship, to enjoy time together.

Is it controlling if you're paying the bill, have only one bathroom and still say nothing. I used to ask her to take shorter showers. I dont bother asking anymore. It'd be futile.

I've never timed their showers - probably why they're both downright saintly ...

Absolute zero tolerance of any talking back or disrespect from toddlerhood onwards. Neither of ours have once said anything rude or attacking to us.

Same here, including one (DS) with ASD. Both are now grown, one almost finished undergrad degree and ASD DS graduated last summer.

Zero tolerance was not tolerating poor behaviour from toddlerhood. Any loudness or not following instructions was dealt immediately if it was in an inappropriate place. The child was warned, then removed and spoken to firmly outside. We had some tears sometimes but I don't either of my kids ever had a tantrum or lost control of their behaviour.

We didn't smack but could control our kids with a stern look as they got older as they knew that we wouldn't let them get far with poor behaviour.

I remember going for lunch with a new friend and her kids. Her two immediately climbed up on the seating and started running along it. My kids just gaped at them. Her kids finished their food and left the table where mine just watched them from their seats. My new friend had children who tantrummed and spoke back to her while I didn't.

I think it's about boundaries - my kids believed DH and I when we said that we wouldn't tolerate something. There was never going to be any other way do things than ours, especially when they were under 12 or so. The foundations of the right behaviours were very strong.

@Number3BigCupOfTea

Not all the time, and i havent even said anything to her but i noticed she had been in the shower for ages and then another five minutes on top. Her showers take the piss but i know from experience that asking her to take a shorter shower wont achieve anything.

So how does she know you have a problem with it if you don’t tell her?

@bendmeoverbackwards is it bollocks. Maybe you can afford 3 bathrooms and unlimited hot water but most of us cant.

13 minutes isn’t an excessive shower time.

If it interferes with you going about your day then deal with that - for example for a while DD1 wasn’t allowed to have a bath on a Saturday morning until after 8am because she’d be in the bath for 3 hours while DH was getting ready for work and 3 other kids in the house were getting ready for activities. Long lazy baths have to be had at a time when it’s convenient for everyone.

A few minutes over 10 minutes is not OTT. That’s definitely a “pick my battles one” for me.

Completely reasonable to ask someone to take a reasonable length shower and agree a reasonable rough length

Not reasonable to make any reference to fact you pay bills etc

And daft not to raise it again if the agreed time is being kept to. Instead choosing to get pissed off about it

“Not being kept to”

Goodness - having read the thread, I would add "don't sweat the small stuff" and "choose your battles wisely" to my list!

I have absolutely no idea how long dd spends in the shower!!

I don't have teenagers, but both aunts do, and there is a huge different between them!

Aunt 1. Awful teenagers, rude, never say hello when I pop round (pre Covid) Kevin and Perry kids.

She has always been their 'friend' no boundaries, lots of screen time. Very spoilt financially (despite not really being able to afford it) always gave in to tantrums as children. Dinner time was in the sofa when they felt like it. No structure or routine.

Aunt 2. Beautifully behaved children. I'm sure they have their moments, but in company they are chatty, polite, can hold conversations with adults.

She had a rule when ever there was a visitor in the house they had to join in with the conversation. Despite being a financially well off family, everything was earned. She could have easily bought cars/ driving lessons/ gadgets. But they had to contribute at least 50% and save. They all had Saturday jobs from a really young age. They also had a lot of old fashioned family time. Playing board games on a Friday evening for example. Always dinner together as a family etc.

I always stamped on any backchat very quickly. Any nastiness I pulled them up on it. I have never shouted at them, but I am firm and take zero nonsense. I also try to be loving and listen to worries and will take the approach of "Why did you say that" rather than just "Don't say that". I will ask "How do you think it made the other person feel when you said/did that?", "Do you think you'd like to be spoken to like that" to get them to take the perspective of other people.

Generally they are pretty well behaved, respectful, keep their rooms well, will do what's asked (I always ask and give notice - like "please bring your washing down by this evening" rather than "I need it now" that sort of thing. Would you make dinner one day next week please - you can choose to do anything then praising it when it arrives.

When DS (ASD traits but no diagnosis) was little it was very important to manage expectations. DH took DCs to the zoo a lot and it had to be made clear that there would be no visit to the gift shop right from the outset that the trip was suggested. If he knew he couldnt go then there would be no problem. If he thought that a visit to the gift shop was happening then got cancelled then he would be distraught.

DD2 (ASD diagnosis) on the other hand needed no such expectation management.

All children are different. What works or is even essential for one can be entirely the wrong or unnecessary approach for another.

@AngelicInnocent

I never allowed them to shout or argue with me, right from being young. If they started, they were told to go and calm down and come back when they could speak properly.

Same applied to me and DH.

Also, I would listen to a rational and respectful request or argument but expected the same in return.

Eg time to come off the xbox.
Reply no, I'm in the middle of a game would get the console turned off.
Reply could I finish the game I'm playing please would usually get a yes and if it wasn't possible I would explain why not.

Basically that. I responded well to politeness, explanations of why they wanted to do/not to do something and general respectful behaviour. That's how they got what they wanted (within reason).

They never EVER got their own way if they were disrespectful or threw a tantrum. Sometimes saying no at those times wasn't helpful to me, but I didn't want them to learn that behaving badly would be rewarded.

They learned from that from being very young, and they were very easy teenagers, and have become lovely, appreciative adults..

Always dinner together as a family etc.

I think there's research on this, that shows the more families share a meal together daily the better the kids do at school, etc.

I was consistent. We had routines and stuck to them. I was a parent not a friend, but I was always willing to listen/chat and genuinely loved spending time with them which I think they picked up on. It was EXHAUSTING as I actually hate routine and would much rather have been the mum who let them stay up late and eat ice cream for breakfast. Also I NEVER EVER made a threat and didn’t follow through ie. instructions were always clear so if they threw their school bag down on the floor and refused to pick it up I would ask again, then explain that they would lose screen time or Lego time if the didn’t pick up their bag, be given one last chance if they continued not do as asked and then I would calmly pick up bag and no more would be said. Later in the evening they would be asked to stop playing/watching 15mins earlier than the others with a reminder why. This might result in tears/begging and this is when I had to be firm and never, ever give in. Which meant, ultimately, they trusted me. So if there was dangerous play in the car (unclicking car seats) I could say if you don’t stop we won’t go to the park/Peter’s Party on Saturday and then do it. I cancelled play dates and meetings and because I never gave an empty threat it didn’t happen very often and I always thought carefully about what I said/used as a penalty appropriate to the misdemeanour so potentially unclipping their siblings car seat could have been fatal so the threat was not going to football practice or a school friend party. Taking them to football practice meant I had an hour to myself, not going to a birthday party meant having to think up something else to do on the Saturday afternoon. Much easier to just give in, but I can hand on heart say I never did.
Fast forward to lockdown with children who are late teens and they do respect me and I still genuinely enjoy spending time with them (not sure they’re so happy about being stuck with their old mum 24/7) but the earlier teenage years were even more exhausting than toddler years because they wanted to push their boundaries and, quite rightly, didn’t always agree with my way. So whilst I remain their parent not their friend I chose my battles wisely and try not to nag, so a lot of my ‘requests’ are done with a smile rather than barking an order, because I now treat them as young adults with opinions and values if their own. Respect is earned through hard work and consistency. It also helps if they know you love them very much and tell them any time they’ll remove their AirPods!

@Floralnomad

I was a very relaxed parent , not many rules but I was definitely the parent not a friend IYSWIM . I always insisted on good manners , not saying anything if you can’t say something nice and generally being respectful of the house and their belongings and that was from the moment they could talk and walk . Now both lovely adults .

This 100%

@fizzandchips

I was consistent. We had routines and stuck to them. I was a parent not a friend, but I was always willing to listen/chat and genuinely loved spending time with them which I think they picked up on. It was EXHAUSTING as I actually hate routine and would much rather have been the mum who let them stay up late and eat ice cream for breakfast. Also I NEVER EVER made a threat and didn’t follow through ie. instructions were always clear so if they threw their school bag down on the floor and refused to pick it up I would ask again, then explain that they would lose screen time or Lego time if the didn’t pick up their bag, be given one last chance if they continued not do as asked and then I would calmly pick up bag and no more would be said. Later in the evening they would be asked to stop playing/watching 15mins earlier than the others with a reminder why. This might result in tears/begging and this is when I had to be firm and never, ever give in. Which meant, ultimately, they trusted me. So if there was dangerous play in the car (unclicking car seats) I could say if you don’t stop we won’t go to the park/Peter’s Party on Saturday and then do it. I cancelled play dates and meetings and because I never gave an empty threat it didn’t happen very often and I always thought carefully about what I said/used as a penalty appropriate to the misdemeanour so potentially unclipping their siblings car seat could have been fatal so the threat was not going to football practice or a school friend party. Taking them to football practice meant I had an hour to myself, not going to a birthday party meant having to think up something else to do on the Saturday afternoon. Much easier to just give in, but I can hand on heart say I never did. Fast forward to lockdown with children who are late teens and they do respect me and I still genuinely enjoy spending time with them (not sure they’re so happy about being stuck with their old mum 24/7) but the earlier teenage years were even more exhausting than toddler years because they wanted to push their boundaries and, quite rightly, didn’t always agree with my way. So whilst I remain their parent not their friend I chose my battles wisely and try not to nag, so a lot of my ‘requests’ are done with a smile rather than barking an order, because I now treat them as young adults with opinions and values if their own. Respect is earned through hard work and consistency. It also helps if they know you love them very much and tell them any time they’ll remove their AirPods!

And this too. It's hard work, I found.. but so worth it a few years down the line

One thing I did, once they got to an appropriate age, was when they did something that merited consequences being imposed, was ask them what they would think was an acceptable consequence if they were me. Usually they came up with consequences that were actually harsher than what I would have done!

For example, when my daughter got into a shoving match with her ex-best friend (it was a messy break-up), I used this technique. She said that in my place, she would say that she was not allowed to go to the school disco the following night. (Which she'd really been looking forward to). That's what we went with (it broke my heart).

But, it does mean that they accept the consequence, and notably, my daughter has kept her mitts to herself ever after, and gone through appropriate channels when others have tried it on with her. Unlike the other little madam. . .

Got two teens now - they’re “normal teens” in that they need reminders for picking stuff up, being a little more considerate around the home etc. They are by no means perfect!! However they are always very polite to me (not that we don’t argue) and other people, to the extent that it is commented on. I think this is because we have always modelled, encouraged and praised politeness and we didn’t let anything go in this respect, so it is now second nature to them, to the point that even after they fall out with each other it will be “can I please borrow your hairdryer?” It’s just complete habit to be polite now if that makes sense - it would be harder to not be polite!!

We also were strict on the “little things” like asking for food, not just taking what you want, knocking before entering bedrooms (cuts both ways), little things like only opening one door of the advent calendar per day, waiting until Easter to eat your eggs!! I know that seems like a silly example but I think having boundaries on things like this teaches them about patience and self-control and these little lessons add up!