If you have respectful teenagers answer me this

[flobberdobberrr]

How did you discipline them / what did you say to them at times they were not disrespectful.

I have younger children. One with ASD. I'd love them to turn out like that. It's so hard to know I'm doing it right.

All people ever seem to say is "oh I didn't have to do much" and it's not helpful, I want to know how situations were dealt with when it wasn't going well. I want to get it right now.
Please help 🙏

Treat them as you would like to be treated.

Depends significantly on the child in my experience. 2 polite, considerate kids. 1 was a nightmare.
All have turned into sensible adults!

* I've never had to tell him off even as a toddler.*

@starbrightstarlight8888

Come. Off. It.

Never?

Agree with so much here, I have 4 Ds’s, 2 adult, 2 teen/tween. Manners and respect are so so important, saying please, thank you, being polite to people, sharing etc all things you can instil from the get go and set you up for life.

I always tried to understand what might be driving their behaviour (but not too analytical!) and would get them to think about their behaviour and how things could’ve been handled differently to encourage them to understand their emotions and rationalise things. That sounds like I was giving them therapy 🤣 would obviously only use this approach for certain situations.

Agree with other posters about modelling good behaviours, asking them to do things nicely but making it clear when non negotiable. Absolutely agree with the pp who gave the gaming example, being told am in middle of game would be instantly off but being asked nicely/reasonably would allow couple of mins til end of game.

Ultimately it comes down to instilling manners and with that, respect for all parties.

I pull them up on rudeness, picking my battles not every single time and am not authoritarian. Be consistent, trust them to do things, praise good behaviour. Try and stay calm and reasonable as much as possible. Apologise if you have been in the wrong. Model good behaviour and how to live to them by doing it yourself, don't be "Do as I say, not as I do."

And consistency!

I was fortunate enough to inherit my dads evil eye....one look an i knew never to shit with him....was never smacked and cant really remember being shouted at that often..just something about that look🧐
Also find the "im very disappointed" card works a treat...both older kids have good manners...little one is a work in progress.

Alowing them to overstep the mark without harsh consequences, feel their way.

That way they know the boundaries. If they make this joke/comment/attitude my parents pull me up on it, but if I ask in a nice way I get what I want.

So you need lots of interactions so they (and you ) can feel their way through. But also, most importantly, very clear boundaries yourself. With clear boundaries as a parent, your reactions are predictable for the teens. Teens like that. They hate unfairness (changing rules) more than anything.

Also offer them a second chance: example: “I want a lift to friend’s house at 3”(said with stroppy attitude), I then would say:”I’ll consider it if you ask me in a nicer way”. “Sorry mum. Could you take me to Friend’s house this pm please? There’s no buses today” that sort of thing.

Basically I am a soft parent (Non authoritarian) but have very clear boundaries. Other parenting styles are available I responded to OP because people (friends, family) say my teen boys are lovely . It might just be luck

@Floralnomad

I was a very relaxed parent , not many rules but I was definitely the parent not a friend IYSWIM . I always insisted on good manners , not saying anything if you can’t say something nice and generally being respectful of the house and their belongings and that was from the moment they could talk and walk . Now both lovely adults .

I completely agree with this, I have 5 respectful teens (well one's tween) it doesn't happen overnight and I think the majority of the work is done before they hit ten, when they were really little i would remind them of my expectations around behaviour on a very regular basis, fairly relaxed about most things but absolutely zero tolerance on being spoken to disrespectfully to me and each other.

I think it's their personality. I had one brother who was tidy, polite and punctual. The other was messy, rude and always late. Same parenting

Never lay a finger on them
Never raise my voice to them
Talk through things a lot
Support gently and give lots of space

They’re 11 and 13 and are both well behaved. They’re in a pretty chilled household overall mind you, plus I can’t tell them off if I tried, I start getting chuckle fits

Absolutely agree with the pp who gave the gaming example, being told am in middle of game would be instantly off but being asked nicely/reasonably would allow couple of mins til end of game

See I dont really agree with this.
Imagine you are in the middle of a film and told to turn it off-not reasonable and a recipe for conflict.
I would state the boundary to begin with -3 games and then you come down to do xyz.

@User5768

If they were ever rude I always pulled them up on it. I don’t buy into the idea that teenagers are rude and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I was quite a relaxed parent but If they were rude of spoke to me disrespectfully I would just sternly tell them they didn’t get to speak to me like that. They were also pulled up on door slamming.

They are in their early 20’s now and are lovely, respectful young adults. I am very proud of them and we are very close.

We’re going through it all again now with my 11 year old.

Absolutely this! I am a secondary teacher and have teens myself. I take no bullsh*t and pull both my kids and students up on any disrespect. The more you tolerate the more you’ll get thrown at you. Big girl pants time OP.

Well my DD is 21now so past the teenage years.
Firstly there's no perfect teenager. Well there's no perfect anyone at any age
You can't just demand respect to get it you have to give it.
Lead by example...... Don't have a cigarette hanging out off your (collective your not personal your) mouth telling them not to smoke. There's nothing worse for teenagers than the do as I say not as I do attitude.
Talk to them not at them. Listen to them.
Make sure you're approachable for them to come and speak to.
Again lead by example If you want them to do something ask politely and say thank you.

@Wearywithteens

It starts when they are little - we were laid back parents on most things but I’ve never been able to stand noisy, badly behaved children. So ours weren’t because we didn’t allow it. I see people losing their minds when a child won’t eat some dinner but they turn a blind eye when the child is lashing out or being disrespectful. We were the opposite.

We took an interest our kids and still do even though they are young adults. I think people forget to ‘like’ their kids when they hit puberty and become a bit more challenging but we love hearing what they’re doing and welcome their friends. We see them as individuals in their own right - and don’t (or try not to) impose our own judgements and opinions on them. They are masters of their own destiny and we are there to support them. Other than expecting them not to be dicks, we don’t give them much to rebel against.

We rub along great and they say that all their friends are envious of the relationship they have with us. No magic formula - the parenting you do as they’re older changes - it’s less rules (none if possible) and more of a mentoring role as they become independent.

This is pretty much the approach we've taken . Been firm about manners, boundaries and noise. I can't tolerate noisy screechy kids, neither of mine were like that and still aren't. They can't stand kids that shout and attention seek either.

However despite trying to negotiate and ignore the bad behaviour etc DD 14 has become a nightmare. I hate saying that but she's rude, snappy, selfish and hostile. I've tried ignoring, I've tried being really upbeat, keeping my distance, offering her activities, more boundaries, less boundaries. Everything. She's horribly horrifically rude. Almost constantly to me, she's not too bad with others. She's been in her room apart from a half hour daily walk since January. She doesn't sleep or eat very well and is horrible to her younger sib. I think she's probably in the zone of mild depression but there's no talking to her and it's near on impossible. I have quite a high threshold but I can't tolerate the hostility towards me. Even if I say hello or you look nice I get sneered at and told to shut up. She's absolutely fine with non family adults, great with grandparents and okish with DH but awful to me. Again this sounds awful but part of me is looking forward to her going to university so this horrible oppressive atmosphere lifts. Hopefully we may get along better then. It just seems like we can't live together.

[quote Number3BigCupOfTea]@Bagamoyo1 yes! and richer!
My dc have not had it tough. There has always been enough money for everything important. But because I never over extend myself, they think our house is shit. I wouldn't go in to debt. I've been saving for their educations. But their perception of us is that we're POOR. That annoys me! I grew up with two parents in a bigger house and they were always broke. Never had tuppence halpenny for a treat.

Anyway, my DC have let me know that they're embarrassed of the house. The house that i own outright! Poor loves.[/quote]
Oh yes, I have that too. As the sole earner I’ve always made sure I live within my means, because there’s no one else to step in if I can’t provide. So we have a modest house and car etc. And the teens are jealous of the families who are mortgaged to the hilt in big houses, with fancy cars they’ll be paying off till they die!

I absolutely haven't been perfect - ds15 knows how to push my buttons and we have had some difficult moments. I don't think we could have got through his teens intact without any punishments either.
BUT, he always knows that he is loved, we don't hold on to arguments, we do things together as a family, always eat together and everyone is expected to contribute. We talk, about anything and everything, and we're definitely coming through it.

I've skimmed the thread, but I have four - three teens (17,15 and 13) and a 11 year old....

You don't start now, you start when they are tiny - we have always insisted on being polite and respectful of each other. Manners are really important. Thinking of others, setting boundaries - being consistent and sticking to consequences - "If you do x again, then y will happen". And y has to happen if x happens again. Every time.

As they have got older, we have picked our battles and if they want to do something which we don't like, then we talk it through and try and find the compromises. But if we say no, then they respect that we have listened to them and explained our reasons.

DH and I model behaviours that we would like them to emulate - we talk to each other respectfully, we don't swear at each other or raise our voices and if the teens are disrespectful, they are pulled up on it.

If we have made mistakes then we would apologise to them - and would expect them to do the same.

All that said, I think that we have been very lucky with ours - they are lovely young people and I'm dreading the day they all leave!

I was always respectful to them, from the day they were born, as individuals with rights. And I demanded and received the same respect back, from toddlerhood onwards. I modelled the behaviour I expected from them, always. If I messed up, I apologised to them unreservedly. They are now 25, 27 and 29, and they've never disrespected me or even each other, verbally or physically.

That said, being careless as to timings is disrespectful to other people. It's a major fault of mine - and they do it right back to me.

You reap what you sow!

@Comefromaway

My two have asd. It's been quite process with ds in particular.

From th etime they were tiny I always afforded them the same respect that adults expect of children. I never asked them to do anything without using please or thank-you. I made gentle reminders for them to do the same.

With ds in particular I accepted that often he didn't know when he was being rude so I used to say, do youy realise that sounds rude rather than telling him off or that when he was very anxious (he has ASD/PDA) he had no control over his words or actions.

He is 17 now and I am so proud of the polite young man he has turned into despite some awful years.

Agree so, so much with this!

Be consistant.
Don't make threats or promises you can't keep..... If you say you're going to or not going to do something you have to be prepared to carry it out.

You reap what you so

Not always. You get some brilliant parents whose kids for some reason just go off the rails. It's not always down to reaping what you sow.

Sow not so.

@Nuitsdesetoiles

She's been in her room apart from a half hour daily walk since January

Is there any chance you could go for a walk just with her and ask her gently what's up and why she's talking to you like that? Side to side while walking is sometimes easier than face to face. Sometimes in a busy house they just want you to themselves, even if they don't realise what it is they want.