If you have respectful teenagers answer me this

[flobberdobberrr]

How did you discipline them / what did you say to them at times they were not disrespectful.

I have younger children. One with ASD. I'd love them to turn out like that. It's so hard to know I'm doing it right.

All people ever seem to say is "oh I didn't have to do much" and it's not helpful, I want to know how situations were dealt with when it wasn't going well. I want to get it right now.
Please help 🙏

I never understand parents who tiptoe around their children and appear to live in fear of displeasing them in even a small way. Why? Why are they so weak willed? If they allow a 3 year old to dominate them, then they will never be able to impose boundaries on a 13 year old. I witnessed this time and again with my MIL and SIL. MIL always giving in just to make life easier for the next 10 minutes, never thinking that she was actually making her life much harder in the long term. Now an adult, SIL loves her Mum but has zero respect for her.

Ditto with parents who try to be their child's friend. Why? That's not your job - and, surely you already have (adult) friends of your own?

Constantly giving in to your child and not imposing sensible boundaries frightens your child deep down. They might not be able to articulate it, but they sense that you (as the adult) is weak and isn't in charge of the situation - and this frightens them.

Constantly giving in to your child and not imposing sensible boundaries frightens your child deep down. They might not be able to articulate it, but they sense that you (as the adult) is weak and isn't in charge of the situation - and this frightens them.

Totally agree with this!!

Constantly giving in to your child and not imposing sensible boundaries frightens your child deep down. They might not be able to articulate it, but they sense that you (as the adult) is weak and isn't in charge of the situation - and this frightens them.

Yes, completely true. And children act up more and more in the desperate hope that an adult will step in and stop them.

Have had to deal with various permissive parents' violent, out of control kids due to this type of parenting.

Its probably been mentioned but one very important thing is for both parents to have a United front.
As a FSW I have seen a mum say one thing and dad deliberately contradicts her ( and the other way round). Often there's no malice there or trying to get one over the other, they just disagree with a decision and overturn the parent. All this does is show weakness and the child knows straight away who to play off.

How we worked it for us was if one made an instant punishment, fie example the other parent would back it up. However out if the child earshot one would say 'I think you were a bit harsh there? What do you think?' Sonetimes we stuck to yhe decision made but if we did think the punishment was too much it was always the parent who made the inital decision that spoke yo the child afterwards.
Sometimes parents get things wrong as well.

Manners, manners, manners, manners.

I tried to instill into them that manners make the man and that they cost nothing. I think it's worked.

My eldest sats that when he was little i was quite strict but as he's gotten older i've mellowed.

I'm far from perfect but some things that seem to have worked well (and that I've done differently to my parents):

Parent the child you have got, not the one you think you should have had. My eldest has ADD and ADHD, both diagnosed very late and after a loooong fight. I wish I'd got him diagnosed earlier, but it took me ages to work out what was going on with him. The legacy though is that he knows I always fought for him and has his back. He told me last week out of the blue what a supportive mum he thinks I am. From a 15 year old, wow!

Let them have their say, listen to and understand their point of view, even if you know you won't agree. Encourage them to listen to yours too. When I was a child I wasn't allowed to speak up or defend myself- that was "answering back". It made me feel so angry and belittled, like I wasn't a proper person. self

Pick your battles. Be consistent. They don't have to do much around the house but they do have to clear up after themselves. Parents are not maids. They get a warning and if they don't tidy their stuff it goes in the bin. I've only had to actually do it twice (once per child).

Let them have some freedom.

Decent pocket money if you can afford it, but when it's spent, there's no more. We also don't but gifts or treats outside birthdays and Christmas. If they want something in between they have to save up.

Rudeness is not tolerated - financial penalties apply (See above). They can say how they feel without rudeness or disrespect.

Make clear that mum and dad are important too and deserve kindness, free time and a fuss made on their birthdays too.

They can confide in us about anything without fear of adverse reaction.

Honour their choices. Eldest decided to become a vegan a year ago. A massive pain as the rest of us aren't but we didn't make an issue of it because it was clearly important to him.

Give them privacy. We don't go in our teens room without asking/knocking and siblings aren't allowed to barge into each other's rooms. I hated the lack of privacy I had in my parents house. Likewise I expect the same courtesy when I'm in my bedroom or study.

That’s a good post, @honeylulu I agree with all of it

Yes I agree with every word of honeys post it mirrors our approach.

What I have seen that I think is really damaging is parents letting children treat them like staff. It used to make me cringe seeing older primary children flinging coats at mum rudely demanding snacks and being outright rude to mums face and mums struggling to appease them and even apologising to the child for not getting things exactly right. Just awful.

I feel like I'm at a loss sometimes. Me and my husband have such a calm and respectful relationship. We don't argue.
I try my best to teach them good manners and I don't ever argue back with them. But with the eldest in particular (year 3), knowing what to say when it goes wrong is a struggle. I just feel like I'm getting it wrong.

I was always quite strict and expected respect and made sure I received it. I was assertive with them and pulled them on any backchat. Being an older parent helped I think.

I was talking about this with DD age 15 this afternoon. Saying that on the whole she is a joy (she has her moments though, believe me!) and we can generally communicate and she’s never been really rebellious. Same with DS age 18.

DD reckons it’s because we’re the right level of strictness! Not too strict, not too lenient. She reckons the most rebellious of her friends are the ones with the strictest parents.

We think it’s because we've always tried to follow some general rules:

• always be consistent - give them the same messages over and over again
• always insist on please and thank you
• try to keep things light-hearted - make a joke of telling them off about things that aren’t too serious
• don’t sweat the small stuff! Pick your battles.
• remember the B’s of parenting - bribery, blackmail, bargaining and boundaries!
• back each other up as much as possible - don’t let them divide and rule
• try not to shout, retain the moral high ground

Obviously no family situation is perfect and sometimes this all goes out the window, but generally we all rub along ok.

For me any bad or naughty behaviour was followed with consequences from a young age, so they learnt I wasn't having any of it and they would be the ones to miss out.

As they grew up it was just a natural thing to be respectful. I always treated them with respect. I gave an explanation to them, if I wasn't allowing them to do something they wanted to.

In my wider family they have similar aged cousins and being respectful is just the norm, so that's what they see.

I have been thinking recently that my young adult children have good manners (from what I see, maybe different elsewhere) . I think some of it is luck but we aren't a shouty house , we listen to each other and don't tease each other, pit each other down. We thank each other for doing any task that helps , thank each other for cooking etc. I never responded to requests when they were younger unless they asked me nicely. We don't run a regimented house and cut each other some slack. I like to think we always respected them like we would anyone else whilst also being their parents. We sound boring and probably are , we are all fairly laid back personality wise .

Just read your update. You will get there , dont beat your self up. Just be clear about your expectations. Perhaps reframe demands you make so it leads to less conflict or opportunity for your child to dig their heals in.

@Lalliella

I was talking about this with DD age 15 this afternoon. Saying that on the whole she is a joy (she has her moments though, believe me!) and we can generally communicate and she’s never been really rebellious. Same with DS age 18.

DD reckons it’s because we’re the right level of strictness! Not too strict, not too lenient. She reckons the most rebellious of her friends are the ones with the strictest parents.

We think it’s because we've always tried to follow some general rules:

• always be consistent - give them the same messages over and over again
• always insist on please and thank you
• try to keep things light-hearted - make a joke of telling them off about things that aren’t too serious
• don’t sweat the small stuff! Pick your battles.
• remember the B’s of parenting - bribery, blackmail, bargaining and boundaries!
• back each other up as much as possible - don’t let them divide and rule
• try not to shout, retain the moral high ground

Obviously no family situation is perfect and sometimes this all goes out the window, but generally we all rub along ok.

I agree with all of this, especially 'pick your battles' and making a joke of things that don't need to be an issue. I once sent DS1 an email written by his floor asking if he ever wanted to see it again or just wasn't that into it, to let it know either way because it was tired of hanging around waiting for him. He picked up his floordrobe and hoovered it then. No need ever to have fights about stuff like this.

I have two well behaved teens (DS age 15 and DD age 13) and a pre teen.

I haven't RTFT (it's long!) but my main aim is to love and support them and make sure they know that. I'm not at all strict about most things - but when I do say No they know I mean it and will follow through. I'm sure there's a lot of luck involved too.

I was bloody strict on manners from the start and any rudeness or cheek got a swift, sharp rebuke. It happened very rarely as a result and we had a laugh most days tbh.
The kids, now adult, tell me that my death glare was the source of my power. So that's probably a good weapon to have in your arsenal.
I think it's crucial they know you're their mother first and foremost and a friend after that.

I agree with the right level of strictness. I'm stricter than DH who is very laid back, but I'm not strict to the point where I instill fear.

I always listened to what they said, which was different to when I was a child....different generation.

They know I'm always there for them and would always stand up for them if they were treated unfairly at school.

From a young age I praised and rewarded good behaviour and achievements. I would share this on our extended family group chat (as would my siblings) so they would be congratulated by other relatives too.

A colleague who worked in social care (local authority) with troubled families spoke about a book and gave me a copy, which I found interesting. It's called the parenting puzzle by Candida Hunt.

I have one child who is fine and one who fights everything, it's always a battle e.g. I remove screen time he goes "fine see if I care". Any tactics to tackle a sensitive but spirited child?

Hes the one who throws down his jacket on the floor and is somewhat rude. Sometimes he says please if he really wants something but sometimes if I said, what's the magic word, he walks away and says, I don't want the yogurt or whatever then

@Rainboom

I have one child who is fine and one who fights everything, it's always a battle e.g. I remove screen time he goes "fine see if I care". Any tactics to tackle a sensitive but spirited child?

Honestly I would stop all punishments of that kind and drop all battles of will. Strong-willed children would rather sleep on a bare floor in a rooms with all toys removed (I know a little girl who got to this state) rather than back down. The parents are ending up raising the stakes to an abusive level and no good will ever come of it.

The keys to discipling a strong willed child are to listen and explain, and to give them a choice where they can gracefully back down, but never to let them off the hook. I used to play the trick of very gentle soft voiced but relentless explaining.

DS1 was very strong-willed. He would, for example, insist on bare feet when we were going to go out on a rainy day. I'd play 'agree' and 'explain' Eg. 'Oh I see, Your feet are more comfortable without shoes on. OK.'
Then go off and do something else. DS: 'Are we going to the park now?'
Me (sounding puzzled) 'I thought you wanted to be barefoot. We can go to the park in wellies because the ground is cold and muddy and I can't let your feet get hurt because I'm your mum and I care about your feet. That's my job. Or we can stay here bare foot.'
Basically - you snuff out the willfulness with kindness. People think it is a painfully slow process but they don't realise it's actually much quicker than a battle of wills most days and leaves no tension, hostility or stress.
If DC ever rowed in the car we used the Steve Biddulph trick of just parking up wherever we were, without saying anything. They'd ask and we'd say nothing at all. When they fell silent we'd say, 'Ready to go?' and set off again. They soon learned. We'd do it on the way to parties and holidays and they got the impression we'd literally stay put and miss the ferry if they didn't stop fighting. Usually took about 3 minutes to work. Then peaceful journey for the next eight hours.

@Rainboom

Hes the one who throws down his jacket on the floor and is somewhat rude. Sometimes he says please if he really wants something but sometimes if I said, what's the magic word, he walks away and says, I don't want the yogurt or whatever then

I did use a bit of jokey teasing if they behaved like that. I'd mimic that 'Don't want a yoghurt then' voice and say, 'Don't blame you, mate. I mean a fairy actually dies every time a child says thank you. Saying thank you is just such a pathetic weak thing to do and everyone loses out if you going around thanking people for stuff. Avoid, avoid.' It was a way of showing him how stupid the reaction was without calling him stupid. And the reverse psychology makes it easier for him to say thank you next time.

@flobberdobberrr I agree, knowing what to say when it gets heated is very difficult. And very different from ''we just model kindness and respect''.

@SandyY2K the kids on the cover of the book are about 2 and 5 I'd guess. Is that a book you're recommending for teenagers? The blurb says across the ages. But teens are quite a specific challenge!