If you have respectful teenagers answer me this

[flobberdobberrr]

How did you discipline them / what did you say to them at times they were not disrespectful.

I have younger children. One with ASD. I'd love them to turn out like that. It's so hard to know I'm doing it right.

All people ever seem to say is "oh I didn't have to do much" and it's not helpful, I want to know how situations were dealt with when it wasn't going well. I want to get it right now.
Please help 🙏

One of the best pieces of advice I was given by a fellow secondary school teacher was never say 'please' if you are making a request of someone say 'thank you' instead because then it is as if they have already done the task and you are thanking them instead of asking them to do it and giving them a choice and the same can be used in parenting. The phrase is still polite but it is more assertive.

"Put the chairs on top of the table, thank you" instead of "Could you put the chairs on top of the table, please. "

"I need you to lay the table, thank you" instead of "could you lay the table, please. "

I suppose it's similar to how you use direct, positive commands for young child "Use your indoor voice" instead of "stop shouting".

Consistent boundaries from the start. Can’t believe how many people told me I was ‘lucky’ to have such polite, well behaved children. It wasn’t luck but bloody hard work. I’d love to say no shouting but I had a very abusive childhood and learned that lesson late. But if I shouted in anger then I sat down when we’d calmed down and apologised for my behaviour, so didn’t always model the perfect behaviour but did point out when it was wrong. As they got older, let them have a rational discussion about boundaries and why I’d say no to some things they’d asked for. Explained my thinking and allowed them to explain theirs. Together we usually came up with a compromise which suited both of us. Understood that everyone has mood swings (dd1 in particular was a nightmare when hormones kicked in) but that didn’t excuse bad behaviour and if they’d kicked off then they’d come back when they calmed down and discuss it. Never, ever, say something you can’t take back. Divorced when they were early teenagers and frequently had ‘you’re hateful, I wish I was at my dads’ but always refrained from saying ‘so do I’ (even if it hurt). They’re now delightful early 20s. Frequently come to me to discuss problems and I’m always happy to give advice, but it’s on the basis of ‘this is my advice, I don’t think you’ve considered xyz, putting it out there but when you make your decision I’ll support you fully, even if it’s not what I would have done’.

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

One of the best pieces of advice I was given by a fellow secondary school teacher was never say 'please' if you are making a request of someone say 'thank you' instead because then it is as if they have already done the task and you are thanking them instead of asking them to do it and giving them a choice and the same can be used in parenting. The phrase is still polite but it is more assertive.

"Put the chairs on top of the table, thank you" instead of "Could you put the chairs on top of the table, please. "

"I need you to lay the table, thank you" instead of "could you lay the table, please. "

I suppose it's similar to how you use direct, positive commands for young child "Use your indoor voice" instead of "stop shouting".

I see that working in a teacher / pupil relationship at school But not in a loving parent relationship at home.

I would not want to be spoken to like that and so wouldn’t want to speak to my children like that.

Not to say it doesn’t work for some! Just not in our home

* Can’t believe how many people told me I was ‘lucky’ to have such polite, well behaved children. It wasn’t luck but bloody hard work*

Same here.

It’s effort from day 1. Worth it. But it’s not by magic.

I also had the ‘death glare’ and also used ‘non negotiable’ from an early age. They learned quickly that no amount of arguing would move from a non negotiable standpoint (usually safety related but sometimes just ‘things we had to do’). I didn’t expect them to be happy about it though, I accepted they didn’t like it but still had to do it. Non negotiables reduced as they got older and became discussion points. Definitely times with my eldest when discussion showed it was my fear of letting go so I asked them to help me be comfortable with that.

@Chewingle luck DOES play a part. As I’ve said above, my older two are beautifully polite, youngest not so much.

Ours were never rude or disrespectful. But then, while I don’t think we were remotely strict*, we’d never tolerated rudeness or bad manners. But IMO that’s something you have to jump on very early - it’s no use waiting until they’re teens, or even 9 or 10.

*certainly not when compared to some of their friends’ parents - bossy and controlling and banging on about ‘ground rules’ - I loathe that term, so often used by bossy, control-freak types.

Of course there is an element of luck. Parenting is part of the picture, but nature also plays a significant part.

We can pat ourselves on the back for our superior parenting skills all we like, but we are absolutely kidding ourselves if we don't acknowledge that a huge amount of luck is also involved.

I know some brilliant parents who have had some very challenging children. It would be utterly offensive to suggest that they are somehow to blame because they didn't parent as well as I did. Arrogant and ignorant in the extreme.

There is a lot of look. My son has demand avoidance. Id like to see some of the people who've judged me for having a rude son do a better job as a single parent who works full time. That's not to say i dont think i could have done better. I could have. I know that. But the people who judge often have text book children.

[quote bendmeoverbackwards]**@Chewingle luck DOES play a part. As I’ve said above, my older two are beautifully polite, youngest not so much.[/quote]
Luck definitely plays a part in a huge amount when it comes to teens, especially when we are talking about rule following and similar

But polite? I honestly don’t think there’s much luck involved in having a polite, well mannered child. These things are learned and modelled.

Luck i mean

I don't get a lot of disrespect from mine, they have boundaries, they know them and they know the consequences of breaking them. I always explain why there's a boundary and they may have an answer I've not considered before to stretch that view point of mine and challenge me but always calmly. I listen, I respect them and their opinions and we let them off the leash at what I feel is appropriate stages. On the occasion they do give me back lip I pull them on it, I tell them immediately

I am quite laid back generally, but I always picked up on every indiscretion. Very calm and factual, explained what they'd done wrong, what was expected and there were consequences.

I think I 'trained' DC to realise that I wouldn't let anything slide, in fact I used to tell them (still do) resistance is futile 😁

@Labobo

I know you weren’t responding to me but what amazing advice on responding to a strong willed child, and just what I came on this thread to find. Thank you so much! I’m going to give it a try. Every day in our house has been a battle of wills and it really is exhausting now.

Single parent of two boys.
Eldest was a difficult preteen and teen. Quiet and polite outside the house, but difficult, shouty, fighting with or dissing his brother.
At one point I gave up on trying to get him to take part in chores and join us in family activity. It was out of despair rather than planned choice, and I was concerned DS2 would feel hard done by when asked to do chores and behave as expected.
I always showed love to them both.
If eldest said he hated me I'd respond "I love you too".
I would always apologise if I lost it with them, always tried to explain what I was expecting of them and why.
All was not lost with the eldest who moved away for Uni, but is now back with us during lockdown and has now grown up into a calm, polite, supportive adult who takes share of household tasks and is a pleasure to have around.

I've never had a problem with mine as teens. The last time I had to 'discipline' my youngest was going on for 10 years ago (17 now). I don't know why I've managed to get off so lightly as I was a complete nightmare as a teen, but I didn't get on with my mother at all.

I just speak to them with respect and listen to them.
I don't see my kids as people I own or control (as my mother did), they are and always have been individuals.
I give guidance and don't dictate, yet they know I have very firm boundaries.
I don't pretend to be their friend.
We laugh a lot.
We take the time to talk to each other.

What works for one parent won't work for another and I also think it depends on personalities.

I have a ds 14 who is incredibly well behaved I’m not really sure what I did though 😂 I was a similar age when I had him and a right wild child.

I am very laid back . To an extent his only rules are

Be polite and respectful
No violence or bullying
Try your best at school work

Everything else I don’t really restrict.

[quote Dannydevitoiloveyourart]@Labobo

I know you weren’t responding to me but what amazing advice on responding to a strong willed child, and just what I came on this thread to find. Thank you so much! I’m going to give it a try. Every day in our house has been a battle of wills and it really is exhausting now.[/quote]
@Dannydevitoiloveyourart - hope it works!

Yes agree about not getting into a battle of wills with strong willed children. If I asked/told one of mine to do something he'd never do it straight away , I realised if I asked, expected him to do what ever it was and walked away to do something else he'd usually just get on with it within a reasonable time scale. Otherwise we'd be in a stand off.

Thank you @labobo. I need your patience and wit! I'm pretty bad at 'lightening up'. He does give me hopeful moments when he speaks to me nicely like a very wise grown up.

Like you say he will NEVER admit being wrong and would rather lose his toys, screen, go hungry etc than say sorry.
I'm very laid back but there are boundaries like I cant let him abuse his sibling. He acts like a teenager, often moody. I frown at him e.g. eating ham at fridge with door open he scowls back and says "what!". I pick my battles..

Today he emptied a fresh bath DH ran because he didnt want to bathe (been a few days). I sighed, DH went ballistic.

I get that removing privileges isnt always effective with strong will but there are certain boundaries, such as being unkind or hurtful to sibling, not doing schoolwork...(huge battles) I cant accept. So I feel I have to otherwise there is no leverage! I do talk to him when it blows over but he hates the pep talks. I'm also by nature not a touchy feely or emotional person myself, bad at reading children. So parenting comes very unnaturally for me. I read parenting books and need a script.

And he never wants to go out with us on weekends for walks, exacerbated by the pandemic... "you cant go out and leave me alone at home so you can't make me" ughh. Cue hour long battle to get him out. He does have some ASD/anxious traits.

His sister is a year younger and does my job sometimes of telling her older brother off.

Btw we once left him in the house and DH started driving off as we were tired of waiting. I panicked. He went, dont worry, he'll come out crying... parked at neighbors. He never come out. So DH had to go back and carry him. Probably lost his respect thereon...

@Rainboom, I really recommend the Positive Discipline series of books by Jane Nelson. It transformed how I interacted with my DC. I also used its technique son my niece who is famous in the family for spectacular tantrums. She had one at my house and within a minute of using Jane Nelson's techniques she had calmed down and was chatting away to me and gave me a hug. It was actually like waving a magic wand. The main trick is acknowledging their feelings.

@Labobo just looked up that book on Amazon. Not sure if you know but do you think it would work for autistic teens?

@bendmeoverbackwards - I don't know but one of my sons is autistic and I always used it with him. I didn't know he had autism for years because he never ever had meltdowns and I think it was to do with the book and how they suggest you handle strong wills and high emotions (eg instead of naughty steps etc, you make a cosy chair where they go to self soothe and then when they feel calm, in their own time, they get down.) ASD DS used his cosy chair every single day after school to decompress. He's almost out of his teens and still uses it during lockdown!

I think a lot of it is just luck. I treated my two respectfully and they don't seem to have had a reason not to give respect back. I expect that if there had been other sources of stress in their lives they might well have taken it out on me, and I don't know how I would have handled that. I don't have special parenting skills. It just happened that their lives as teens were pretty happy and that was reflected in how they treated everyone around them, so I didn't have to do anything extra.