If you have respectful teenagers answer me this

[flobberdobberrr]

How did you discipline them / what did you say to them at times they were not disrespectful.

I have younger children. One with ASD. I'd love them to turn out like that. It's so hard to know I'm doing it right.

All people ever seem to say is "oh I didn't have to do much" and it's not helpful, I want to know how situations were dealt with when it wasn't going well. I want to get it right now.
Please help 🙏

[notanothertakeaway]

We lead by example - my DH and I are polite and respectful towards each other and the children. No shouting in this house

No pointless punishments eg time out. Better to focus on "actions have consequences" eg if you don't tidy your bedroom now, that's OK, but you'll have to do it later, which means there won't be time to watch a film

Keep everything in proportion. If they're a bit cheeky, a quiet "please watch your tone, that sounds a bit rude" is helpful guidance. Flying off the handle would be disproportionate

[AintPageantMaterial]

By making ‘tone of voice’ a key value in our house, from a young age.
Whining, rudeness - any tone that’s not ‘friendly’ was ignored or given a (very irritating, I know) “I am ready to listen and answer when you use your normal speaking voice”. When younger, they were allowed to argue with each other but only in the garden and they couldn’t be bothered. There’s 5 years between them though so minimal bickering really.

My children are allowed to disagree respectfully. As teenagers, if they want to do something that worries me, I tell them my concerns and they come up with a plan to change my mind - which I consider properly.

DH and I also never snap at each other either. They simply don’t hear it. If I ever used a bossy or snappy tone with them when they were younger, I apologised. We don’t have to agree with each other around here but we do have to speak to each other with kindness and respect and that rule goes for everyone in the household.
All rules (and there aren’t many) are up for debate, then parents decide the rule but we revisit it after a while and consider whether it’s working.
We sound really bloody annoying I know but it is a happy house. Neither of my DDs enjoy spending time at the homes of friends who talk to their parents or siblings like crap. It makes them think less of that friend.

[Number3BigCupOfTea]

I apologise when I'm wrong too and I feel like I model kindness and respect but I'm not getting it back.

So I'm just wondering how zero tolerance is demonstrated. Do you turn off the internet? is the next request for money denied?

[JustLyra]

Also consistency is a big key factor.

Teens have memories like elephants when it comes to them getting told off for something when on a random Tuesday 7413129 days ago their sibling did the exact same thing and didn't get told off.

[vickibee]

My son is 14 now and is HF asd, school always say what a delight he is, polite and well mannered etc. He has really matured of late and learned how to regulate himself. His behaviour was a bit wayward at primary but it was because his needs were not being met.
He has learned how to manage situations and avoid things he find difficult. He is a good kid on the whole but like any teen has his moody moments
As a pp said I always pick him up on rude behaviour but he responds much better to a carrot then a stick so priase where it is due works wonders

[Inpersuitofhappiness]

When DD was younger I always explained things to her, things like the effect that bad behaviour would have on people. Shes thoughtful by nature anyway, but I always instilled in her that she should consider other people's feelings as well as her own, and kindness.

Now she's a teenager, I think it comes down to explaining wider issues to her, she has to consider the ramifications of her actions, not only on her but other people.

Shes genuinely a pretty good kid with a wider understanding of the world than her own needs. If she does something out of order she spends a portion of her pocket money on chocolates/flowers and apologises.

I do however think a lot of it is down to their individual nature. Shes got a much calmer and kinder nature than I possess.

[Imapotato]

Don’t be unnecessarily strict, pick your battles and don’t sweat the small stuff. Treat them with respect, it’s a two way thing. If you feel you go to far, apologise to them.

Basically try and create an environment where respect is mutual. My mum was a dictator and I had no respect for her at all through my teenage years.

[SeaToSki]

I dont accept teenage strops in my presence. If they want to speak rudely, they can go and do it somewhere else. I dont nag, I dont sweat the small stuff and I dont let them isolate all day.

I am very good at just listening to them vent (very different from being stroppy) with out giving them a solution - just aha ohh that sound difficult - until they work it out themselves or actually ask “what do you think Mum”.

I insist, and have since they were little, that they do not wrestle or physically restrain each other (I have 3 ds).

They all contribute to the family chores and its a specific job that is allocated by week, so there is no debating or nagging each day. Oh and they are all educated in sleeping enough and eating enough as that leads to dreadful moods

[JustLyra]

@Number3BigCupOfTea

I apologise when I'm wrong too and I feel like I model kindness and respect but I'm not getting it back.

So I'm just wondering how zero tolerance is demonstrated. Do you turn off the internet? is the next request for money denied?

What kind of disrespect are you getting from them?

Any consequences should be proportional, and also you should set it out clearly in advance so they know the score.

If it's an ongoing issue might be time to sit down and say "X, Y and Z are happening and I'm not prepared to put up with it. If it happens again I'll do A, B then C."

[TheVanguardSix]

You get what you give has been The Big Message for my kids growing up. You want a nice, chill life, hugs, love, and an easy ride with those you share space with? That's easy. But you have to make that happen. It doesn't just come to you.

[JustLyra]

Also picking battles is important.

My teens often had messy rooms. As long as the door closed, there was no smell and no impact on the wider household (dishes piling up etc) then that was their lookout. There was no emergency tumble dryer use when they realised the jeans they had to wear had been living on the floor for the last few weeks.

A lot of people I know have/had frequent battles over rooms and I never did because it only impacted them. But disrespect and poor manners to each other were zero tolerance and always picked up on.

[HomicidalPsychoJungleCat]

We are, simply, respectful to mine. If she wants to talk I listen and try never to patronise, If she expresses a feeling I acknowledge it, even if i cant understand it or haven't felt it myself, I value her opinion, I always answer any questions, even the awkward ones and always been totally honest with her...about life, my own experiences and what to expect fro people in life. Shes actually the coolest teen I know and we get on well, but I also hold boundaries so she feels safe. Even though we’ve done all this I think its her and not us who have made her great. Its just who she us. I expect universe payback with her rebel brother. 🤣

[BlingLoving]

I don't have teenagers yet but we are trying hard to do as said by others on here - from the start, speaking badly to us, bad manners etc has not been accepted. I had dinner with a friend and her two pre-teens 10 years ago while pregnant and was horrified by the behaviour of her children. Told myself I would never let that happen to my kids. Her kids, sadly, did grow up to be awful teenagers - rude, surly, difficult - and I can't help thinking that if they'd had a bit more guidance at the start....

[Champagneandmonstermunch]

I think by the time they are teenagers it is too late. The scene is set when they are much younger. I think the environment they grow up in is massively important. If they see adults screaming at each other etc, they are likely to copy, likewise if they see kindness and respect on a daily basis. Be a parent, not a friend, but be fair, and admit if you get it wrong, as we all do. There is also a large dose of luck, and DC's personality in there, some are much harder than others to parent.

[Notabove25]

I think the ground work is done very young.

When they were small no meant no, every single time and if they were asked to do something they knew they had to do it.

Now they're older, I think I'm very fair in my expectations of them, but they do know there are expectations and they generally comply without issue.

The main thing, I think, was them understanding that I meant what I said. Even if I later realised I could have said yes, if I'd said no, that stood. I became more flexible as they got older and we could discuss things properly, but when small, they did as they were told!

[HomicidalPsychoJungleCat]

And agree with just lyra, her room is her business. Same with her social media. We've told her the dangers, now its up to her. She knows the pitfalls and has a good head on her shoulders, i trust her and I'm here if she mucks up.

[Whenwillow]

Might have been luck, but I'm also a firm believer in everyone in the house respecting each other. We're all human so their was the occasional snap (from all of us) The members of my household were (still are, but moved on now) my favourite people in all the world, and we treated each other as such. I think it starts early too. If parents stop what they are doing and listen fully to a young child, it has some level of insurance for the time when they might not want to listen to you later on.
Mine are 20s/30s now. There have been a few bumps along the way but we all still have a good relationship.
There's a lot to be said for being calm and not taking things personally too.

[IhaveNotBroughtMySpecsWithMe]

Be clear, consistent and model good behaviour. Don't give a punishment when you are angry. Admit when you are wrong. Remember it's not about you.

Pick your battles.

Use humor.

Blame my brain is an excellent book to read.

[Needabrewnow]

@implantsandaDyson

I told them off - quickly, definitively and without turning into a huge big deal. So for example if one of them was being cheeky or bold I just stopped, took them out of earshot of company if we were with other people and told them off - "you are being bold/rude/ loud/ show offy, stop it" and then back to whatever we were doing. No timeouts, no discussing it later, they were told they were misbehaving immediately.
I also laid really clear boundaries of what we were doing, what I expected, how long we would be somewhere, everything really clear. So if we seeing friends/relatives that maybe one of the kids found annoying or boring - I told them all before we got out of the car " we'll be 2 hours max, be polite, don't let xxxxxxxx wind you up and we'll be done soon.
I also let them hang about in their bedrooms if they weren't in form for being sociable. I'm not one for enforced family fun. And if they were cheeky or offhand to me or their Dad they were just told "nope, not happening, if you can't be at least civil then find something else to do where you can rant and rage without hurting other people's feelings".

My husband and I speak to each other with kindness and humour, my parents and parents in law are the same so the kids see respectful, honest, kind relationships most of the time. Mine are still relatively young - almost 16, 13 and 10.

Thank you for this. My daughter is two so quite small 😅 but I do this in terms of stern voice but not a big deal and I'm not ever sure if that's right.

[TheVanguardSix]

ASD is a bit harder OP. My youngest is autistic and you sort of have to come at it from a different angle. ASD kids deal really well with understanding cause and effect. "If you treat people this way, this happens," "If you behave this way at home/at school, this happens," or "When you talk to me this way, I hurt and I feel sad," etc.

With my ASD son, we definitely talk things out in a more concise matter. It can't just be 'don't say that/do that/speak that way!' I need more time to explain the effect his actions have on me/on others... the consequences of his actions need pointing out. Fortunately, he's a very lovely, lovely soul but we haven't hit puberty or the teens yet!

[Notabove25]

I should have added completely consistent appplication of boundaries is needed alongside a lot of love and kindness. It's not about draconian discipline.

[ncailleach]

Find out their interests and encourage them! They are so much happier and thus easier to live with when they have healthy outlets they enjoy. Also paid work keeps them busy and teaches life lessons straight away that you could spend forever trying to nag into them. And bear in mind that whatever you do they will all have their moments. It's how they learn healthy adult boundaries. Also no phones in bedrooms overnight!

[Whenwillow]

@IhaveNotBroughtMySpecsWithMe agree totally about admitting when you are wrong, and modelling good behaviour too. I believe we need to keep in mind that we are looking towards bringing them to adulthood, and not getting derailed moment to moment.

[MsTSwift]

Absolutely Vanguard. Ours know if they are normal polite and civil good things happen. Holidays. Days out. Trips to urban outfitters!

Neither dh nor I would put up being talked to like shit by anyone - least of all a child. Just isn’t going to happen. No excuse.

Dh and I rarely argue dh is a litigator and spends his career arguing 😁 so he never does in his personal life. We talk stuff through so it never gets to an acrimonious stage.

Our policy with teens is we will always say yes unless we have good explainable reasons to say no.

[TSBelliot]

Kindness underpins it all. Model it, live it and show it. Always try to connect to them even when there are challenging. If they are rude you explain why it’s wrong, why it needs to stop. You talk about it when they are calm. Never try to do this in the moment. My children have hugely different personalities. I have one who is easy - yeah easy to just not accept it with that model! One who is his opposite who has sworn and attacked us... please don’t doesn’t cut it and don’t you dare would just escape it. He is a model child these days very loving and close and more mature than many teen peers. It was hard for him - kindness and talking without forgetting the fun and closeness resolves what it can.