If you have respectful teenagers answer me this

[flobberdobberrr]

How did you discipline them / what did you say to them at times they were not disrespectful.

I have younger children. One with ASD. I'd love them to turn out like that. It's so hard to know I'm doing it right.

All people ever seem to say is "oh I didn't have to do much" and it's not helpful, I want to know how situations were dealt with when it wasn't going well. I want to get it right now.
Please help 🙏

My mother always said “parenting is what you can bear” and frankly neither of us can bear screamy rude children! So ours were not!

Treat them with respect. Don't talk over them or cut them off, always hear them out even if you know you are going to say no regardless. Give reasons. Not just because I said so. Treat them the way you want them to treat you but pull them up on rudeness. Every time. And immediately. Especially when rude in front of people.

I read a brilliant book whose name I will never remember but it emphasised a lot about the origin of discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment. It also emphasised getting to the bottom of any questionable behaviour and even anticipating how they might be negatively impacted by circumstances and working with them to mitigate issues rather than allowing tensions to arise. Negotiating with children rather than dictating to them and being genuinely willing to listen to what they say and apologise when things have gone wrong.

That was it in a nutshell and it has very much stayed with me and so far it seems with my eldest two to have worked. But only time will tell fully.

Active listening. 'all behaviour is communication'.

I encourage them to talk about their feelings and I don't use punishment/reward as a matter of course. Stong boundaries, clear rules. Lots of work on the relationships.

Check Dr Laura Markham's 'calm parents, happy kids', etc.

I think it's their personality. I had one brother who was tidy, polite and punctual. The other was messy, rude and always late. Same parenting

I agree. It’s much easier to be an easy going, tolerant parent when you’ve got easy going cooperative children.

@MsTSwift

My mother always said “parenting is what you can bear” and frankly neither of us can bear screamy rude children! So ours were not!

So true! I cant bear whinining, rudeness, screaming or disrespect. Right from the start no pulling at my clothes or whining if you want something Ask nicely No hitting or scratching or climbing on me. I see other parents just sit there while their DC yank their hair and they do nothing

Firm boundaries, consistency and consequences

I would say my teenager is respectful (although quite often grumpy!) and the one thing my husband and I try to practice is speaking to her in a way we would like to be spoken to.
We don’t shout at her, never raise voices or cry, we don’t want to embarrass her or to make her feel bad.
We often discuss unreasonable behaviours in general (for example when watching news and unreasonable politicians, tv in general) and have conversations about what we see.
We often talk about feelings too and how we have to ensure we go through life without hurting other people.
To be fair the main reason (and this was confirmed by my FIL) is probably the fact that we are both calm as parents and very rarely raise voices or embarrass them so they mimic our behaviour?
We also allow the kids to have their own opinion and to voice it no matter how controversial , this probably makes them feel less like they need to fight back.
There was one occasion when my daughter was very emotional and said some horrible stuff to me, I took it calmly and said I was sorry she felt that way and that we should probably take a break from arguing until everyone has calmed down.
She apologised the following day and said she didn’t mean what she said.

I never ever threatened and did not got through with the threat.

Understand that your dc will be able to hurt you more than any other person on the planet, also understand that they will not like you 100% of the time and it’s ok.

I would say my teenage daughter is respectful although grumpy at times.

I have always tried to speak to her as a person and not as a child, I have given her the same respect I would to an adult and if I needed to pull her up on things I would explain why it’s not acceptable etc.

Example would be with doing chores, I explained that we all live together, nobody likes doing them, but if we all pull together then we will all have a nice home and it’s not left to one person which is very unfair. This is obviously watered down version but I have tackled things like this. I have never been a do this do that parent.

I forgot to mention how important it is to love them and to let them know you love them. You might think that doesn't need saying but I always felt unloved by my very strict parents. My mother once said to me that she wished she'd never had children. I've never forgotten that. I was a horrid rebellious teenager, brought on I believe, by them being far too strict and me not feeling loved.

I think it is always difficult to separate nature from nurture. My children are/have been very "good" teens and I quite often get asked how I've done it and what the secret is. I don't know if I have a secret- maybe it's just luck ? Also, both DH and I are pretty easy going and didn't really do teenage rebellion so maybe it's in their genes? I doubt there's one "right" way to raise well behaved teens. It is probably a mixture of nature, nurture and good old fashioned luck.

But for what it's worth, our parenting if it has to have a label has been closest to Attachment Parenting than any other "method" though I am sure more hardcore AP advocates would refute that as I worked outside the home when my children were small. But broadly speaking we followed a lot of AP principles. We've always done lots as a family and allowed the children a say in family decisions. (Within reason of course - we've not yet agreed to our youngest's desire to holiday in Antarctica!)
We've always eaten meals together, supported whatever activities and interests they've got into, talked and listened a lot, praised good behaviour and effort rather than rewarding or punishing results and have really tried to be consistent and fair to everyone. I think in some ways our boundaries are a bit wider than some of our friends have with their children, and in other ways they are tighter, but they are definitely there, and are consistently applied. We are open to reasoned negotiations around rules though - but not to sulking/tantrums! And we've always tried to give rational reasons for our decisions.DH can occasionally get a bit shouty if he gets annoyed but on the whole it's a pretty peaceful household so I think a lot of it is just down to the personalities we've got.

But as I say, I don't know whether we have been good parents or lucky parents. Perhaps a bit of both.

Our family motto is don't be a dick. Our home is a sanctuary - you can be yourself and we respect all individuals in it. I like to think we are fair and if anyone feels aggrieved we discuss it and apologise if necessary. Now 17 and 15 and very respectful and their teachers seem to like them which is always a good sign.

@Andante57

I think it's their personality. I had one brother who was tidy, polite and punctual. The other was messy, rude and always late. Same parenting

I agree. It’s much easier to be an easy going, tolerant parent when you’ve got easy going cooperative children.

Completely agree.

I have 3 dds - 19, 18 and 14. Older two were fairly easy, naturally well-behaved respectful children and at 19 and 18 they are delightful.

Dd3 however - something else! She is ASD which doesn't help but OMG the rudeness, attitude, swearing etc. Not having had to deal with this before I feel like I am starting from scratch with my parenting.

But I generally agree with firm boundaries and consequences - eg if your child talks down to you or is rude, then don't offer lifts or favours etc.

The teenage years can be hard. They are like overgrown toddlers and often don't know why they are behaving in a certain way. I remember being 14 and being horrible to my mum and I didn't even know why. I think teens test the water and push their parents to check they are loved unconditionally.

There is a strong relationship between behaviour and emotions - when dd3 is stressed her behaviour and attitude is awful. That doesn't mean it's ok but it's helpful to understand. I always tell her when she has overstepped the mark but mostly she knows it herself.

I think with us, the main thing was that children, whether teen or not, were deemed to be part of the house-hold, with associated rights and duties.

One of the duties of the house-hold was a structure of manners and old-fashioned etiquette.

Children had school, homework and music practice.
Parents had work and homework.
All had to contribute to the household re cleaning, chores according to age and ability. There was equality, even if things weren’t equal.

Certain manners were expected.
A thank you to a grown-up for a present, day out, help or treat - with eye contact.
A thank you to a child for help given, by adults - with a smile and eye contact.
Thank-you notes written within 3 days of treat or gift.
No whinging re music practice, homework etc - everyone could complain re their day over dinner.

What wasn’t up for debate was who was the ultimate decision makers (adults) but this was rarely needed.

I also do think alot is personality and some pot luck! I have 4. All brought up exactly the same, all well mannered, respectful,nice children. With boundaries in place and they all knew where that line was they didn't cross.

dd1 however hit 15 and wham. I think she was actually abducted by an alien and a clone put in her place. At times she was rude, shouty, knows everything about everything, judgy. Not at all how she was brought up.

None of the others did this. They are all delightful and respectful still.
She's ok now. I think the aliens eventually switched her back. Honestly it was that bizarre and sudden.
I tried to fathom it, was it friends? did I do something different? But I think it was just her personality and teenage hormones all over the place. She was certainly never a pushover, but perhaps it all came to the surface as a teen.

One outlet we did allow when there were specific difficult situations going on (one DD was bullied and also when a relative of DS1’s late Mummy he’d been close too found a weird religion decided that cancer was karma for a persons sins) was they could ask DH to take them out for a five minute rant.

Generally they’d walk up a hill near where we lived and then they’d have five minutes uninterrupted and uncensored where they could say how they were feeling exactly. Then they’d discuss it calmly afterward.

It’s not something we did regularly, but it was a way of recognising that sometimes you need to say “they are being a prick” in a way that’s not necessarily suitable for a chat round the dinner table.

Mostly it was purely to let off steam, but It also meant that DH and I knew what they were thinking and feeling that they might be reluctant to vocalise normally because it was unpleasant.

@GnomeDePlume

Politeness not just to DH and me but also between themselves and from us to them. Right from the start, pleases and thank yous, door holding etc.

No sniping between themselves much less 'play' fighting.

Never going into anybody else's room or taking anybody else's stuff without asking first (though for some reason my fleeces are exempt from this rule ).

Lots of laughter.

DCs now 21, 22, 25 left/leaving home but still close and thoughtful of each other.

This is very much the way we were with our two right for the start.

They’re 15 and 19 now and both are lovely lads and the best of friends.

“My mother always said “parenting is what you can bear” and frankly neither of us can bear screamy rude children! So ours were not!”

I so agree too! I was always strict with mine I think and did NOT tolerate rudeness or misbehaviour. It made me furious I’m afraid.

I wanted to raise children I liked.

My kids are now really polite and fun to be around. They also recall that I was a really laid back and not remotely strict parent: I don’t agree at all, but I think I made my boundaries Very Fucking Clear - and I only had to do that a few times for them to get the message.

The problem is you were extremely and ironically rude and couldn't be bothered to read the whole OP. Now you could admit you didn't read it and apologise but you thought, nah.

But I did read the whole OP and was struck by the fact that the actual title of the thread (which can be read in isolation if you are just scrolling through the last day posts) was a little at odds with what the OP is actually asking.

OP - sorry for derailing your thread - my interpretation of irony is obviously misplaced. I didn't intend my comment to be rude and I apologise if you were offended.

You have had some very good advice from lots of people who are clearly nicer than me.

@Awwlookatmybabyspider I agree with you about reaping what you sow not being a linear thing. I meant it quite narrowly in that I consistently demonstrated poor behaviour (bad timekeeping) and I get it right back from them. I certainly didn't mean that only brilliant parents have brilliant kids or not so brilliant parents are necessarily going to have disrespectful kids. It's a world more complicated than that. I think I was spectacularly lucky with my three and I don't take much credit for that. They're just lovely people and they've made me a way nicer person than I was before I had them.

My dd has just had a 13 minute shower. Far too long. I have told her a hundred times to try and take showers less than 10 minutes. So the disrespect is being IGNORED. Frustrating.
I am saying nothing. The last 99 times i asked her to take shorter showers havent worked.

@Number3BigCupOfTea are you joking?? You honestly time your dd's showers??

Also - I mentally banned the words 'strict', 'punishment' and 'discipline' from my dictionary, to me these are negative and destructive concepts that invite challenge, defensiveness and the utter aloneness that is experienced by so many teenagers.