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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absent father

156 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 02/03/2021 10:50

Aibu to wonder why there are so many absent or uninterested fathers? I just can’t understand how someone can have kids and not care about how they are or want to see them, how can you go through life without seeing your kids for years? But it’s so common for so many fathers to pretend they don’t even have a child, is it just a case of out of sight out of mind?

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 02/03/2021 10:56

Because it’s easier not to parent than to parent. It’s that simple. Parenting his hard and often very shit. Dealing with an ex is usually hard. Much easier just to opt out of it all.

pumpkinpie01 · 02/03/2021 10:58

Baffles me too it really does.I have several friends whose dads have no contact with them and a situation closer to home where the dad has never met his child.

Ponoka7 · 02/03/2021 11:04

My grandchildren's father drifts in and out. My youngest GC is at a lovely age and even I miss her when I don't see her for a few days. He is exceptionally selfish and self centered, though.

When it was more acceptable to walk away, it was even more common. I've met men my age, 50's, who admit to walking away like it doesn't matter and they shouldn't be judged. We wouldn't have been as accepting of Mothers who do that and it's always annoyed me that fathers aren't held up to the same standards.

DimOndCadwAnadlu · 02/03/2021 11:12

I find it baffling, and I find women who accept this from their partner just as baffling. Someone I used to be friends with was perfectly happy that her husband had fathered a child that he had nothing to do with outside of child maintenance.

She was full of "he didn't choose to be a father" platitudes, but wilfully ignored the fact that a child was being raised knowing that as far as their father is concerned they're irrelevant. They now have children who are completely unaware there's a sibling out there. It's morally bankrupt in my opinion.

luxxlisbon · 02/03/2021 11:17

I guess in a way it is more visible for fathers. Mothers in most cases have the option to terminate so if they want to walk away from raising a child they can make that choice and no one is ever any of the wiser. There obviously isn’t a mechanism for fathers to do that in a way that isn’t apparent to the world.
I do think it is much harder for father to be fully involved after a split since custody is usually granted to the mother, although obviously plenty of men still manage it and some are just shitty people.

pumpkinpie01 · 02/03/2021 11:21

@DimOndCadwAnadlu now that I do find strange I really could not be with a man that has a child has nothing to do with them and you are bringing up your dc knowing they have a sibling they know nothing about ! (I have personal experience of this and the father had never told his wife he had a child must have been a shock for her!)

UhtredRagnarson · 02/03/2021 11:26

I do think it is much harder for father to be fully involved after a split since custody is usually granted to the mother, although obviously plenty of men still manage it and some are just shitty people

Not true. Relationship break ups actually rarely end up in court, and those that do very rarely end up in “custody” being granted to anyone. Parenting arrangements are made between the parents the majority of time. So it’s absolute rubbish to blame courts for disappearing dads.

3JsMa · 02/03/2021 11:35

YANBU and I do wonder about it myself.
This issue is very personal as I did separate from STBXH almost 2 years ago after 19 years.4DC(20,18,7&4).Last 3 years of our relationship were horrendous,he was very abusive,refused to address his problems with alcohol and drugs.When pregnant with last DC he started to be extremely violent,emotionally abusive and said many times how I destroyed his life.Children were targeted as well hence my decison.
However back to the issue,after his arrest and my final decision,SS said that the contact with children will have to be supervised.He did nothing to arrange and secure contact with children.I did reach out to him during Christmas (4 months after the split) but it ended in further abuse towards me.He also openly told me that he is in new relationship.TBH, I was relieved as it meant he won't focus on abusing us so much.Since then he did nothing again to have regular contact with DCs.He did try to persuade me to facilitate this but I was really scared of him.When I did suggest to arrange more formal ways of contact,he was always finding millions of excuses(lockdown,the police said that I should allow him etc.)
I also found out that his new girlfriend has 3 children and he moved in with her.She is also very aggressive towards me,sending threatening messages,trying to intimidate us by knocking on our door and running away.Thanks God we have moved 3 months ago and they don't know where we live now.
For me personally,it's very hard to understand that he is happy to form a relationship and be a father figure to other children but he is not making any steps to have a healthy,secure relationship with his own children.I think it is more common than we realize.

KnobblyWand · 02/03/2021 11:35

I've always assumed these men are fantastic at compartmentalising. How else do you explain it?

When DH was growing up, his dad lived down the road, a ten minute walk from him, and didn't see him at all for 2-3 years at a time. Sometimes they'd see eachother in the street and his dad would turn and walk in the other direction.

They're still in contact. He did and still does attempt to keep all aspects of his life in neat, little boxes. When our children were born, he didn't tell anyone he had grandchildren. Photos of them were posted on Facebook and only when DH tagged him in them, did his friends even realise he had children AT ALL. He'd been outed and he wasn't happy, oopsie doopsie.

So yeah, it's easy when you're a shitty person and are great at ignoring your responsibilities.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 02/03/2021 11:37

I’m not really talking about cases of men getting a one night stand pregnant then disappearing etc (to the comment about women get to have abortions) as that doesn’t really wash when the children were planned and the man has multiple children, unless he’s claiming he was tricked into all of them and didn’t want any of them?! Also my ex has never taken me to court, none of the people who I know who have children to absent fathers have ever been taken to court by them, they’ve all just not wanted to be involved after the split.

OP posts:
Unanananana · 02/03/2021 11:39

@UhtredRagnarson

Because it’s easier not to parent than to parent. It’s that simple. Parenting his hard and often very shit. Dealing with an ex is usually hard. Much easier just to opt out of it all.
This. If mothers did this at the same rate fathers do, they would be torn apart. Society gives absent fathers an easy ride, so they do it because they can. Vile individuals. Anyone who abandons a child doesn't deserve them.
arethereanyleftatall · 02/03/2021 11:41

Because far too many men are deeply selfish.

BlackeyedSusan · 02/03/2021 11:49

society still sees raising children as womens work, and thus of lesser value... double standards... women get judged for walking away, in men it is seen as not that unusual and they get praised for having the child at all...

Sunhoop · 02/03/2021 11:56

I really struggle to wrap my head around it. I can somewhat understand if they haven't been involved in the baby's life from the start - it's still utterly shit and selfish but I can imagine it's easier to do.

What I really struggle with is fathers who abandon children they've actually parented. My DH has a "friend" who, when his DC were about 1 and 6, called his partner from an airplane and told her he was going to Australia then switched his phone off!! How can you be in your child's life for six years and fuck off without a care in the world? I've met this guy, he seemed normal. It's so baffling.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 02/03/2021 12:04

That was my point Sunhoop I have 4 children with my ex so it’s not a case of he accidentally got me pregnant didn’t want to be involved and disappeared which I still think is bad but we have 4 other and then one day he just left and hasn’t bothered with them since. He pops up once every year or 2 then disappears again. He’s never done any parenting since we split, never even been to their school, never had them over night, nothing. I don’t get how you can just do that and walk away. I just don’t get how so many men just switch off like that.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 02/03/2021 12:08

My Dad seemed only too pleased to let my step-dad adopt us, meant he didnt have to pay maintenence (not that he did anyway)

I've only seen him once (at my grandma's funeral) in nearly 50 years

I just dont understand how these men can just walk away without a care in the world

TorringtonDean · 02/03/2021 12:08

These men are utterly without morals. There are loads of deadbeats out there and male-dominated society lets them get away with it. Think of the disapproval there used to be of single mums yet these are the parents who stick around for their kids! Of course their existence reminds the men of how they have deserted their kids. Deadbeat dads should be society’s outcasts yet they run the country.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 02/03/2021 12:13

it’s so normalised, my ex would be happy if I met someone else so that another man could look after them. When I confronted him when he dipped back in after 3 years of no contact I got “I don’t know why you're mad, it’s the case for most single mums to have 100% of the responsibility” Confused

OP posts:
duchesspodcast · 02/03/2021 12:19

It's just heartless in my opinion.

Few other factors too though. My Dad didn't want dc in the first place and (because of?) he had trauma from his childhood, so when dm left and took us he was relieved.

Also when dm left it was for another man, who was very violent, so Dad was intimidated and avoided visiting us for that reason too, also I think he justified it by telling himself this new man was supporting us now. Which was very far from the truth.

Ideally men would refuse to become fathers unless they really wanted to.

duchesspodcast · 02/03/2021 12:20

I'm sorry for your situation OP Flowers

I'm always being told how lucky I am that xh has the dc two nights a week, because most single mums would love that. Yes this is exactly the life I dreamed of Sad

UhtredRagnarson · 02/03/2021 12:26

I don’t know why you're mad, it’s the case for most single mums to have 100% of the responsibility

This is very telling and exactly the sort of comment my ex used to make (he’s been absent for 4 years now- he was a “dip in and out” sort before that) it tells you has absolutely to understanding at all that his absence impacts the children. He just sees it as an issue for you, and of course you aren’t his responsibility so in his head he has done nothing wrong. But in order to get to that to conclusion he has to totally remove the children from the situation as if they don’t exist. As if there aren’t 4 children who have missed having a father, who have missed out on so many lovely experiences with him, who feel rejected and confused and will probably have low self esteem as a result at various points. He has to pretend they completely don’t exist and make it just about you. That’s how he justifies it.

UhtredRagnarson · 02/03/2021 12:27

no understanding. Not “to understanding”

MrsBerthaRochester · 02/03/2021 12:29

I truly believed that however crap a dh(soon to be ex) was as a husband that he would never walk away from our kids.
Cue a couple of years after our split he has moved in with his gf and her kids an hour away. He now sees our DC's an hour a week after his gf threw our kids out the house in the early hours and tried to assault our teenage DC.
I am hoping that when our divorce is finalized that he pisses of all together. Of course he believes he is a great dad.....

ColdBrightClearMorning · 02/03/2021 12:30

A PP made a very good point. If a woman doesn’t want to be a parent and has a contraception fail, they have the option to abort, and many do. Men don’t have that option.

I guarantee if you removed a woman’s right to terminate pregnancy there’d be a huge uprising in the numbers of absent mothers. The vast majority of women in this country who have a baby have chosen to have that baby, because even if the pregnancy was accidental they made an active choice to continue with it.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 02/03/2021 12:32

UhtredRagnarson That describes it completely, my sister says he sees me as a woman he met that has kids, as if they are nothing to do with him. My children have asked why their dad doesn’t like them and if they can get a new dad, my son said to me can I get a new dad or is it too late, he doesn’t understand the impact it has had on them. It’s all about me, he just sees them as an extension of me.

OP posts: