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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absent father

156 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 02/03/2021 10:50

Aibu to wonder why there are so many absent or uninterested fathers? I just can’t understand how someone can have kids and not care about how they are or want to see them, how can you go through life without seeing your kids for years? But it’s so common for so many fathers to pretend they don’t even have a child, is it just a case of out of sight out of mind?

OP posts:
TorringtonDean · 02/03/2021 15:37

What about the kids MH when abandoned by someone who should love them unconditionally?

Plenty of men play the devoted dad for years then do a total runner if that relationship ends. My ex-husband did. He was completely opposed to paying any child support until it was explained by a solicitor that it was a legal obligation. He basically only paid in order to get a much bigger settlement from me - that’s another outrage.

He has vanished from the kids’ lives. I don’t understand how someone can do that. The only explanation is he is completely lacking in empathy and utterly selfish. A sociopath. There seem to be plenty around.

ivfbeenbusy · 02/03/2021 15:37

I'd hazard a guess that the number of absentee fathers who were married to the mothers is substantially lower than those that weren't married?

Also see the current active thread about a woman who deliberately lied to her partner that she was on contraception to get pregnant without his consent

Sunhoop · 02/03/2021 15:40

Perhaps Porcupineintherough but that wasn't what the pp was referring to (and thankfully infanticide was/is incredibly rare)

My point was that many, many women were essentially "forced" to continue unwanted/unplanned pregnancies and yet they still (in the vast majority of cases) step up to the plate and actually parent their DC and don't just piss off into the sunset like many of the fathers of those children do.

Bookriddle · 02/03/2021 15:43

As a man and a father myself, I cant understand how they can just walk away!

I was at the birth of my DD and the instant love and feelings I had towards her brought me to tears, I could never not be in her life!

My wife is taking her back to her home country for 1 month and I'm dreading it, not being able to see her everyday!

TorringtonDean · 02/03/2021 15:48

“Tricking” men into pregnancy? Is that really still a “thing”? Men can’t really be tricked because if they have sex it’s always a risk. They should maybe think more carefully before dropping their trousers. Again, the “shame” is only ever on the women and not the end.

But anyway the OP is talking about dads in long term relationships or marriages who then just vanish. It happens all the time.

TorringtonDean · 02/03/2021 15:48

The men, not end! Although they get their ends away!

DedlyMedally · 02/03/2021 15:52

I think there's a lot to it, but I believe the starting point is that women seem to get more joy from parenting than men.

I've never heard a man talk about being a father in the way that women here describe mothering. Men wills at that they love their kids and of a duty to provide, but I regularly see women describe it in ways that sound alien to me "all encompassing love", "the most fulfilling thing they can imagine", "more love and joy than they imagined possible" etc etc.

The day to day of parenting does seem like drudgery, so without those hefty doses of oxytocin and dopamine to counteract things, it almost doesn't seem worth it.

Women also seem more inclined to bend to social pressure, so you end up with a situation where women who do not have those hormone blasts are still in a position where they feel they have to pretend that they do for the benefit of society at large and it becomes a sort of self-perpertuating thing.

You also have the obvious fact that the men only really get one input factor in the reproductive process. Have sex or don't have sex. This, combined with a social zeitgeist that has sort of created a separation between sex and reproduction that doesn't exist as extensively in nature means that a lot of men get women pregnant without really signing up to commit to parenthood.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 02/03/2021 15:52

Exactly, he had 4 kids before he decided he didn’t want to be a dad! Not really the same as a man who gets some pregnant then disappears never to be seen again, not that I agree with that either tbh. But how can you have multiple kids then decide you don’t actually want to be a parent, he could have worked that out the first time.

OP posts:
WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 02/03/2021 16:01

@dontdisturbmenow

it’s mainly as has been said once the relationship ended with me he struggles to see them as something that is separate from me So maybe he is going through serious depression that affects his ability to make decisions, leaving him feeling nothing and mentally lethargic.

Or for some reasons, he never bonded with the children. If so, why not?

Boo fucking hoo if he has serious depression.

My ex left 11 years ago, dc were 5 and 3. He used to see them eow when he was with the OW (and yes she was the OW, she persued him knowing he had a fiancee and 2 dc at home). Then they split up and he saw them 1 day every weekend as he had nowhere to have them overnight.
Then he met his now wife. Who encouraged him to give up work, "why should that bitch get our money" and spend less and less time with them, "my dc get really upset when you spend time with your boys. They don't have a dad so it's not fair on them" Confused. They've had more dc since and contact is cancelled at the last min for every and any reason. He hasn't seen them at all since last March as apparently its against the law Angry

Meanwhile I've had such bad depression I've been suicidal. Anxiety that's now become agoraphobia so I don't leave my house unless I'm with someone. Guess what? I still get up everyday and make sure the dc are fed, at school/working at home atm, clean, do the housework.

So sorry if I'm not very sympathetic to feckless men walking away and claiming depression. They can get to fuck.

duchesspodcast · 02/03/2021 16:04

Something's got to change or our daughters will be going through the same thing in 20 years. Christ knows how we do it...

Massive admiration to the mums here who are holding it all together.

RedMarauder · 02/03/2021 16:07

So @WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo your children's biological father is a lazy selfish shit who uses his new partners' as an excuse to limit how much he sees his older biological children.

No man or woman will stop a father seeing their kids if they really want to see them.

VinylDetective · 02/03/2021 16:10

@duchesspodcast

Something's got to change or our daughters will be going through the same thing in 20 years. Christ knows how we do it...

Massive admiration to the mums here who are holding it all together.

We bring our sons up to take responsibility. It’s not rocket science.
WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 02/03/2021 16:12

@RedMarauder

So *@WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo* your children's biological father is a lazy selfish shit who uses his new partners' as an excuse to limit how much he sees his older biological children.

No man or woman will stop a father seeing their kids if they really want to see them.

Well he saw them regularly and never cancelled until he met her. Make of that what you will.

However I agree that a decent parent would see their DC no matter what.

TorringtonDean · 02/03/2021 16:19

Overwhelmingly it is the mums who stand by their kids and raise them. This means a huge amount more work and effort for us. Yes we love them but there’s still a lot of hard graft and it’s not always easy. Meanwhile it’s quite alright for men to walk away Scot free. What recognition is there for us? None. I had to PAY my deadbeat ex to go away.

Ratonastick · 02/03/2021 16:20

I get a bit ratty about the “careful who fathers your children” thing. XP was desperate for kids and we tried for years (including 2 miscarriages). He was devoted through the pregnancy, nested around the house, present at the birth, etc. All the positive pointers were there. When DS was 6 months old he left. Just fucked off because it was too hard and hadn’t matched his expectations.

And with that, he left me to it. No maintenance (and I couldn’t track the fucker down), no support, no nothing, just left me to do it all. His family supported him to exit and actively prevented me from contacting him or knowing where he was. So my family stepped up and we raised a fine young man, if I say so myself.

He turned up again about 18 months ago and wanted to see DS (now 17) to form a father -son relationship (his words). He couldn’t understand why DS was angry at him and wanted an explanation. He blames me for poisoning him and wangs on about parental alienation on social media. He forgets that DS is a fully autonomous human and perfectly capable of drawing his own conclusions and making his own decisions. The link between actions and consequences is utterly lost on the man.

TorringtonDean · 02/03/2021 16:27

Yes the “careful who you pick” stuff is total nonsense. Posters don’t understand it could happen to anyone - and does. Any man is capable of it. Even out PM. And they get away with it.

VinylDetective · 02/03/2021 16:29

@TorringtonDean

Yes the “careful who you pick” stuff is total nonsense. Posters don’t understand it could happen to anyone - and does. Any man is capable of it. Even out PM. And they get away with it.
Especially our PM. While society rewards this kind of behaviour with the highest office in the land it’s unlikely to change.
TorringtonDean · 02/03/2021 16:35

It’s old fashioned to say it, apparently. But it reflects on a man’s character. It’s a pretty big warning sign that someone is a liar and untrustworthy.

UhtredRagnarson · 02/03/2021 16:48

@TorringtonDean

It’s old fashioned to say it, apparently. But it reflects on a man’s character. It’s a pretty big warning sign that someone is a liar and untrustworthy.
I think it pretty much defines who a person is if they have abandoned a child. (And no I’m not talking about children who have been given up for adoption- that’s being responsible!) It tells you so much about them.
duchesspodcast · 02/03/2021 16:49

I don't like this response We bring our sons up to take responsibility. It’s not rocket science

How??? Yes I can make my boys be responsible in every way - within the limits of mothering - but the 3 generations of men above them have left their dc. Actions speak louder than words, and when the going gets tough, they'll know in their bones that it's a possibility just to walk away.

I don't think mothers can solve this alone.

duchesspodcast · 02/03/2021 16:50

My question was really, how can we change society to make men feel shame when they don't support their dc

SheWouldNever · 02/03/2021 16:52

My father was around until my early teens (and I have 2 younger siblings) then went and lived abroad. I’ve seen him a couple of times since.

He’s happy to call himself a father and post proud pictures of his grandchildren to Facebook (who he has met once in the decade since my eldest was born and never acknowledges or remembers their birthdays), but it’s all just appearances. He wants to be able to call himself a family man without taking the effort to do the emotional heavy lifting. He hasn’t been around to support his children in any way. He doesn’t seem to miss us or ask how we are doing. He is most probably autistic, and he went to boarding school aged 6, which led to a very detached relationship with his own parents. I can see his situation objectively sometimes, and don’t feel he ‘owes’ me anything or that I had a right to have an involved father. But I can also say, since having my own children, I couldn’t never imagine choosing to not be actively involved in their lives, and not knowing them.

rawalpindithelabrador · 02/03/2021 16:54

@DimOndCadwAnadlu

I find it baffling, and I find women who accept this from their partner just as baffling. Someone I used to be friends with was perfectly happy that her husband had fathered a child that he had nothing to do with outside of child maintenance.

She was full of "he didn't choose to be a father" platitudes, but wilfully ignored the fact that a child was being raised knowing that as far as their father is concerned they're irrelevant. They now have children who are completely unaware there's a sibling out there. It's morally bankrupt in my opinion.

Yep! Tons of women are just fine dating and procreating with men like this.
duchesspodcast · 02/03/2021 16:55

I actually don't think men will stop doing this until they lose the respect of other men.

It's got to come from them, there's precious little women can do, especially as some of them don't really care what women think - or we'd have fixed it generations ago.

OhamIreally · 02/03/2021 16:59

@duchesspodcast

I actually don't think men will stop doing this until they lose the respect of other men.

It's got to come from them, there's precious little women can do, especially as some of them don't really care what women think - or we'd have fixed it generations ago.

Or women stop having sex with them.

(Not blaming women btw just saying the men wouldn't like that one little bit.)