Absent father

[Givemeabreak88]

Aibu to wonder why there are so many absent or uninterested fathers? I just can’t understand how someone can have kids and not care about how they are or want to see them, how can you go through life without seeing your kids for years? But it’s so common for so many fathers to pretend they don’t even have a child, is it just a case of out of sight out of mind?

I think that really is what the op is asking. It's not hard to see why a dad who became one by accident, was only in a casual relationship or fucked off before it ws born is able physically, financially and emotionally to be uninvolved. Much much harder to justify it in previously stable and established relationships. However, I am a bit perplexed by this idea of 'bonding' being a magical thing that a lack of can lead to abandonment. I suppose you might argue that pregnancy and birth establishes a bond so women are less likely to run off. It's certainly true that my ex was not emotionally invested in my bump, though he was far more sentimental than me once dcs were here. I think we need to take amateur psychology out of the picture and assume that it is simple, ugly selfishness and that sadly boys / men from a young age seem to (generalising here) have less empathy and 'people pleasing' skills than girls. That may be a positive thing in many ways. Less likely to be doormats, passed over for promotion etc but when it comes to parenting, subsuming your own preferences and wants is pretty necessary and I think women are largely still conditioned to do that, and so accept the limitations of parenting more easily.

It’s also that they know the mums WILL look after their kids because we do care. Would I have left an infant in a buggy in the street unattended? Never? Or home alone? No. They waltz off because they know we won’t abandon our kids. Maybe in the old days men had more of an idea of being a breadwinner. My own father took great care to make sure his own family were well provided for. Modern men seem to relish the idea that because women rightly have more chances to work then dads don’t have to do anything for their own kids.

@SmokedDuck great comments. Don’t suppose you have the link to that article please?

I have an ex that fathered a child while in a relationship with me! We are no longer together yet he has absolutely nothing to do with this child bar paying cm. He told the childs mother it's because he wants me back ( no chance) and hes told everyone else that he has no bond with the child ( hes seen him maybe 15-20 times and the child is 2) and resents the fact that the child exists. He says the mother point blank refused to terminate but will not accept any blame for not using a condom! He also says that he finds the mother an embarrassment. My mind boggles at the thought process that helps him reach these conclusions!

What gets me about my ex is he will disappear for years at a time, then reappears BEGS to be a father again, last a few months then disappear again. It’s clearly it’s about me and not them, he was seeing them a while back after being gone for almost 3 years, I shouldn’t have let him back tbh after how he has treated them but my daughter was desperate for a dad, to the point she use to beg me to marry someone so she could have a dad, use to call the teachers at school “dad” use to ask me to marry them (in front of them ) so for their sake I gave him another try to see them (one of many) he was coming to my house to see them and he was good with contact, coming once a week, building up a relationship again. As soon as I said well a relationship is established now so now it’s time for you to have them without me being around and not in my house, he disappeared again.