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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absent father

156 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 02/03/2021 10:50

Aibu to wonder why there are so many absent or uninterested fathers? I just can’t understand how someone can have kids and not care about how they are or want to see them, how can you go through life without seeing your kids for years? But it’s so common for so many fathers to pretend they don’t even have a child, is it just a case of out of sight out of mind?

OP posts:
BeatricePrior · 02/03/2021 19:09

Also marriage doesn't always make this not happen.

I'm living that. Got married when I was pregnant. He still fucked me over, still doesn't pay csa Wine.

cheninblanc · 02/03/2021 19:15

I'd moved on far enough to never look back or need him in any way. At that point the one night a month no holidays and no interest in school work was totally stopped. He hasn't seen them since. He has a new child, wife so carries on as if they don't exist. It absolutely baffles me, but I don't dwell on it

duchesspodcast · 02/03/2021 19:16

I wonder if this might happen: the pendulum will swing so far - and a critical number of dc will grow up without dads - for a sort of collective outrage to grow among the abandoned now-adults, and that will trigger a change in society so it becomes a shameful thing to do.

I mean, with social media, attitudes can change faster than they could before.

VinylDetective · 02/03/2021 19:17

@UhtredRagnarson

Maybe we should advise our daughters not to get involved with men whose family background features men who turned their backs on their families.

Wow. Sins of the fathers! My boys have done absolutely nothing to cause their father to abandon them. They’ve suffered their entire lives being repeatedly and then finally rejected by him. They’ve had counselling to help them process the feelings that affect them as a result. And now they should spend the rest of their lives single because the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree?

Have a word with yourself.

That was in response to the following

How??? Yes I can make my boys be responsible in every way - within the limits of mothering - but the 3 generations of men above them have left their dc. Actions speak louder than words, and when the going gets tough, they'll know in their bones that it's a possibility just to walk away

Context is all.

UhtredRagnarson · 02/03/2021 19:21

No.

This was the comment your post quoted

“My question was really, how can we change society to make men feel shame when they don't support their dc“

And even if your post was in response to the comment you say it was- why would exclude all abandoned boys based on what one poster thinks her sons might do? Confused

TorringtonDean · 02/03/2021 19:21

What’s confusing is that growing up I had friends who were the “second family”. Their dad seemed a lovely bloke. Never ever mentioned first two sons. Decades later we heard about them - they were regarded as nothing to do with him. I find the whole attitude appalling.

IsThisNews · 02/03/2021 19:23

@user1471462428

It’s one of the few things that Americans get right. Child support come out of pay and a jail term for non payment. This is well overdue in this country.

100% agree. Just because an absentee dad doesn't see them doesn't mean they stop needing food, clothes, toys, books, shoes or a roof over their head. It makes me feel quite sad that in their lifetime, my DC's dad has spent more on takeaway coffees than he has on them.

WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly · 02/03/2021 19:25

[quote IsThisNews]@user1471462428

It’s one of the few things that Americans get right. Child support come out of pay and a jail term for non payment. This is well overdue in this country.

100% agree. Just because an absentee dad doesn't see them doesn't mean they stop needing food, clothes, toys, books, shoes or a roof over their head. It makes me feel quite sad that in their lifetime, my DC's dad has spent more on takeaway coffees than he has on them.[/quote]
Agree. Being a 'deadbeat dad' seems to be much more stigmatised in America too. It's something men would be ashamed of rather than just shrugging it off.

VinylDetective · 02/03/2021 19:31

@UhtredRagnarson, I think I know what I was responding to! I wouldn’t want my daughter having children with someone with a background of three generations of fathers that fucked off. Would you?

duchesspodcast · 02/03/2021 19:32

Totally agree about the USA thing. Maybe a consequence of their lack of state support? Whatever the reason, we need that attitude here.

duchesspodcast · 02/03/2021 19:34

VinylDetective let's be tactful though, these are real people's sons we're talking about.

MadeOfStarStuff · 02/03/2021 19:37

Because it’s socially acceptable and there are no legal or financial repercussions. And sadly plenty of women apparently have no issue having a relationship with men who have kids they never or hardly ever see.

UhtredRagnarson · 02/03/2021 19:38

[quote VinylDetective]@UhtredRagnarson, I think I know what I was responding to! I wouldn’t want my daughter having children with someone with a background of three generations of fathers that fucked off. Would you?[/quote]
So three generations = no date.

What about 2? Date?

What if granda fucked off but dad stuck around?

How about let your daughters assess their potential partners based on themselves and how they treat her rather than where grandad lived when daddy was a boy?

UhtredRagnarson · 02/03/2021 19:40

I know quite a lot of men who were raised without their fathers in their lives. Some in my family and some the brothers of friends or acquaintances. Without fail every single one of those men have married and had children that they have raised or are still raising in their home with their wives.

DedlyMedally · 02/03/2021 19:42

How about let your daughters assess their potential partners based on themselves and how they treat her rather than where grandad lived when daddy was a boy?

I imagine most absentee fathers appeared to be something other than future absentee fathers at the point of conception.

UhtredRagnarson · 02/03/2021 19:43

Oh no sorry, one of the men isn’t raising his children himself. He was killed by a drunk driver whilst taking them and his wife for ice cream on a Sunday afternoon. I’m sure we can forgive him for that though.

UhtredRagnarson · 02/03/2021 19:45

I imagine most absentee fathers appeared to be something other than future absentee fathers at the point of conception.

Yeah and I’ll bet plenty of them had generation after generation of being raised by their father (my own ex included) so it’s stupid policy.

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 02/03/2021 19:48

As a mum of boys who's father fucked off, I agree with Uhtred . You shouldn't punish them for the sins of their father :(

Mind you their Dad was the 1st to fuck off. His dad stuck around, but only because he was too lazy to leave. He was an abusive cunt though. His Grandad OTOH was mostly lovely.

Felifox · 02/03/2021 19:54

My parents were very happy together, they were each other's world. My dad died suddenly and I remember being so worried about my dm coping, I was 30 and married. My df used to give my dm his wage packet every Friday and they would work out the bills and share what they had. As dcs what we needed was prioritised.

So I get absolutely steaming mad when I see these men go off without a backward glance or thought of what their dcs need. The dcs need to have a proper home so men should be providing towards those costs.

CandyLeBonBon · 02/03/2021 19:55

@Givemeabreak88

Aibu to wonder why there are so many absent or uninterested fathers? I just can’t understand how someone can have kids and not care about how they are or want to see them, how can you go through life without seeing your kids for years? But it’s so common for so many fathers to pretend they don’t even have a child, is it just a case of out of sight out of mind?
I'm 51 and never met my dad. It still makes me a bit sad.
VinylDetective · 02/03/2021 19:59

@duchesspodcast

VinylDetective let's be tactful though, these are real people's sons we're talking about.
I know. I apologise.
nokidshere · 02/03/2021 20:00

I find it even more bizarre when the man has had a previously good relationship with his children. Friends of mine divorced, until then he was a hands on dad, spent a lot of time with his then 12yr old son and to all intents and purposes enjoyed being a father.

He left when his son was 12 (he's now 25) and hasn't seen him since. Even more hurtful for his son is that he's very hands on with his new wife's (also now grown up) children/grandchildren.

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/03/2021 20:08

My exdh did this. Happy marriage for many years and when our eldest was 8 he just upped and left. Has been totally absent. Claims to love them but didn't even know which school they went to. His family condone his actions.

They are selfish, immoral twats. There should be consequences for the emotional damage they inflict on children.

flappityflippers1 · 02/03/2021 20:13

I found out a few years ago that my dad was married before he met my mum, and had a child. Him and his wife split when child was 18m old, and my dad hasn’t seen or bothered with him at all. Apparently it was a mutual decision for my dad to not be involved and leave his ex wife and child to get on with their lives... this was the late 70’s

(not sure how much of that BS I believe quite honestly, no, my mum was not the OW - he met her years later, and yes, I lost a lot of respect for my dad that day. Yes, I hope to find my half brother and meet him one day!)

Like a PP has said about that time period - my aunties husband raised his three kids alone after his wife walked out. I have vivid memories of my mum and aunty (they are sisters) slagging this woman off to high heaven many a time. Yet my mum married a man who abandoned his own son Hmm

As someone else has said upthread, it’s far easier to not parent, than it is to parent.

GettingUntrapped · 02/03/2021 20:15

I wonder if man are much more simple creatures than we give them credit for.
I'm a single mother to two boys. Their father pays the minimum, has money to save, while we live in a kind of poverty. He feels certain that he is a great dad, photos on social media with the kids etc. He said if I tried to get money from our divorce that he didn't want me to rightly have, he wouldn't see the children any more. To punish me. Other posters up thread said similar, that the mother and children are one unit in their simple minds.