Absent father

[Givemeabreak88]

Aibu to wonder why there are so many absent or uninterested fathers? I just can’t understand how someone can have kids and not care about how they are or want to see them, how can you go through life without seeing your kids for years? But it’s so common for so many fathers to pretend they don’t even have a child, is it just a case of out of sight out of mind?

You can't know that for sure, about women abandoning dc more if abortion wasn't available.

I mean it didn't happen before abortions were possible did it?

Also it's a silly comparison - having an abortion isn't anything like neglecting a living human.

Oh here come the poor men apologists. Piss off. It's the same old crap in this country of single female parents being penalised and feckless men let off Scot free. I'm sick of it.

My ex is more likely to love the kids of the person he is with.

He has sporadic contact with my oldest (only uses him now that ds has a good job and his own place) the other 3 I have with him don't get a look in, bar £20 shoved in a card on birthdays.

He used to say it was me stopping contact, now they are all of an age they don't need me to facilitate contact and he simply doesn't bother and can't blame me.

His girlfriend posts all over Facebook about their fantastic family days and how supportive he is with her sons autism (meanwhile he threatened to smack our DD because he couldn't cope with her ADHD).

It truly sickens me that he has the time, money, and energy to support and love kids, and chooses to do it with someone else's children and ignore his own.

Absolute bell end is missing out on the most fantastic kids and then swooping in when they hit adulthood and taking all the credit.

My children have asked why their dad doesn’t like them and if they can get a new dad, my son said to me can I get a new dad or is it too late

Yep my youngest asked if I could find a husband so he could have a dad. That just heartbreaking.

To add: it’s a big part of why it’s absolutely abhorrent to deceive someone into a pregnancy by lying that you’re using contraception when you’re not. People say ‘well he was stupid, he should have used condoms too’. Funnily enough when a woman is sexually assaulted by a man removing a condom without her knowing, nobody says ‘silly stupid woman, why didn’t she check the condom was in between thrusts?’

You’re willingly choosing to have a child with a man who has no desire to have one, and have a very high risk of saddling your kids with a shit dad.

I don’t say this to shame people who had kids with men who were enthusiastic and looked like they were going to be amazing fathers but then turned out not to be (people change and can conceal their true selves for a long time), but one of the wisest pieces of advice I ever got was this:

The biggest gift you can give your children is who you choose to be their father.

Having an active, involved father brings a lot to a child’s life, wellbeing and chances of success. More resources, more people there for support and encouragement, better outcomes in terms of cognitive development and education. There are many single parents working incredibly hard and doing an amazing job, often picking up the slack when the other parent has decided to opt out. But if you’re not yet pregnant it truly is imo the most important thing you will do for your future children. Choose a good dad (as far as is possible). I.e. don’t deceive a man into unprotected sex because any old sperm will do. It’s horribly unfair on everyone involved.

I do wonder how many men agree to having children because their partner wants them.

What gets me is the fathers who are happy to not pay a penny towards their children or who say "I contribute to my child's life, I gave my kid's mum £10 in January 2019 for nappies, food and clothes - what more does she want?! Bloody gold digger!"

My DC's dad doesn't contribute at all.

@VinylDetective

I do wonder how many men agree to having children because their partner wants them.

I think this is widespread. Obviously they made their decision and are completely responsible for trying for that child. Nobody made them (barring deception re the pill). They went into it willingly.

But I’ve seen so many relationships where the guy isn’t fussed either way but agreed to have a child he wasn’t really interested in having because his partner really wanted one. And then surprise surprise, the majority of those dads do the bare minimum. And ‘you’re the one who wanted them’ gets thrown in the woman’s face.

Absolutely despicable. They could have just said no.

It’s heartening in threads where a woman is posting saying she wants kids and her partner is on the fence to see so many people advise her to end it and find someone who proactively wants children though. I think there is a growing awareness that in relationships where you’re not on the same page about kids it’s not gonna work out well, it’s the most fundamental incompatibility there is.

I wonder if society will demand more from fathers now there are more people than ever growing up without one, and they (we) can share experiences so easily online.

It's devastating to have a father who doesn't want you.

Actually it's not just cruel to put all the responsibility on the mother, showing a horribly misogynistic society, it also shows we've got a long way to go in terms of being a child-friendly society too.

The attitude we need to have as a society is (obvs don't have dc if you don't want them) if you end up as a father and you don't want to be: "Poor you, that's difficult etc etc, but now pull your socks up and take responsibility".

To do otherwise should be considered shameful. I bet condom sales would go through the roof!

I dont get how women can have children with these men who treat their existing children like shit. Ds2 dad is the same pops in when he feels like playing daddy.
I once knew a dad who picked up his gf child from school but completely ignored his biology child who was in the same class!

To be fair though, some women, myself included really do have to take some of the responsibility for having children with dickheads. My ex isn't nasty but just never grew up and his mum seems to encourage that by doing everything for him still and he's 50 living back with her after I threw him out! We had a kid, we had to grow up, I did, he didn't. He does still see our kid though but I do look at my ex now and think why did I ever have sex with you!! shudders

Well I’m already taking responsibility by raising 4 children alone I won’t be taking responsibility for his actions though.

Many reasons. When men move out they move on and the bonds that tie soon break down. Also a lot of men never wanted the child in the fire place. A woman in that position can do something about it. I also know of friends who , knowing their O/H didn’t want kids or more kids but went ahead and engineered a pregnancy. Their rationale was that he may kick up a fuss to begin with but he’ll feel differently when the baby is born , they all do. Only they all don’t. Men remarry and concentrate on the challenges and demands of their new family. The second wife see to that. People move around a lot more these days both men and women. On a personal note I haven’t seen or spoken to my mother since I was 14, when I came back to the UK to live with my grandparents.

Oh here come the poor men apologists
Not at all. It's not a matter of excusing any behaviour but accepting that it's not make issue alone.

There are fewer absent fathers than there are abortions in this country. How many of these mums would become good responsible mothers if they were forced to keep their baby?

Ultimately, a man who walks away from a child is an who hasn't bonded with that child. There are many reasons why that is and women are also guilty. When a mum moves 300 miles away after separation, with a 6 months old baby, expecting dad to do all the travelling to see them, or won't allow them to stay overnight until the child is 4 and only allows a couple of hours when it suits, binding is going to be seriously affected, and with that, the emotional willingness to invest efforts.

It's all wrong because people have children for themselves rather than appreciating that it's about their responsibility to give the child every opportunity to be happy, settled child and later on, happy and settled adult.

@TorringtonDean

These men are utterly without morals. There are loads of deadbeats out there and male-dominated society lets them get away with it. Think of the disapproval there used to be of single mums yet these are the parents who stick around for their kids! Of course their existence reminds the men of how they have deserted their kids. Deadbeat dads should be society’s outcasts yet they run the country.

This is such a good point. The narrative of Single mothers scrounging off society is drip fed through our whole lives. It wasn't until I got on mumsnet that I realised - wait a minute, at least they're raising their children, surely, surely, it should be the absent fathers that are vilified.

but THIS thread is about fathers that do that. Can we not turn it into a thread about something else? I hate that on here. A thread is started about one issue or group of people and someone always pops up and says "but what about..." Start a different thread about men being tricked / forced / cajoled into parenthood or women who have kids with men who they KNOW are feckless and or a casual thing, not a committed partner.

The worst iteration of this whole area is dads who were involved, were on board or actively pushing for a child and then walk away when the relationship breaks down. Again, I'm talking about those who CHOOSE to do that, not because the mum moved, or made contact difficult but because they CHOOSE eow or less contact. There are a lot of them. There have been threads on here, I remember one from a guy who wanted to change something about his contact but the change would adversly affect the ex's in some way. Posters suggested he go 50/50 and he was adamant he couldn't possibly do that because "he works" - as though no single parents have a job. Certainly my ex sees the kids and his contact that has to fit in around his life, not the other way around.

My dad left when i was 13 and my siblings were younger and he slowly made less and less effort (not turning up when promised to take my learning disabled brother on holiday) until we had no contact. He was a bad, emotionally abusive dad and husband who made no effort at parenting and actively caused a lot of damage. My mum had her own issues and despite him being well aware of these he just left us with her and provided no support to her or us.

Years later we met again at my grandmas funeral and made polite conversation (it was her neighbour i was in touch with who had let me know my grandma had died and about the funeral). I actually requested some photos of her and gave him my contact details.

I never heard from him.

I have a 12 year old now and he doesn't even know she exists.

He was a very intelligent man with a phd and professional job. Very charming. Noone would know from meeting him what he is really like.

Having had a child i just cannot imagine not knowing what she was doing with her life and not being in contact. It would devastate me.

My friends ex didn’t want to meet his son “in case he got attached” and to this day doesn’t even know if it’s a boy or a girl - he is 3 years old now and his “father” left the country before he was born.

Just like @pigear my friends ex is a professional and very charming. You wouldn’t know. When my friend refused to have an abortion he said “how am I going to explain to my future wife that I have a kid I don’t know”

I’d love to ask my dad this, 3 kids with my mum then after they divorced he was really flaky. Now we’re all adults he still doesn’t care - I’ve seen him a handful of times in the last 20+ years. He has never met my sister’s kids.

My stepdad, however, who only met my mum when I was 15 (and I’m the youngest) is still around even though his marriage to my mum broke down.

Some men are just crap, I guess, but it makes no sense to me.

I agree with Uhtred that a lot of men think that woman and kids are one package. If he breaks up with the woman then he's also breaking up with the kids because he can't separate those two things in his tiny mind. If he took the kids for a day out then he sees it as though that's doing a favour for the woman, and why would he want to do her a favour? They've broken up! These guys always seem to be telling everyone down the pub about how much they love their kids though and that their bitch ex wife won't allow contact.

The 'father' of my friend's children has had no contact with their kids for years. Before that it was sporadic. On the last occasion he left the kids, then aged 14 and 11 stood waiting in the town centre for him for hours and turned his phone off. He just couldn't be arsed seeing them. I wouldn't do that to someone I hated, let alone my own children, but these men are amoral shitheads.

I'm not apologising for men but 1 woman I know had a kid with some bloke and he disappeared, didn't see their child etc then they eventually got back together, she fell pregnant again same happened again... few years on, she now has 4 kids with this same guy.... did her experience with their 1st child honestly make her believe that this wouldn't happened repeatedly or that he would change? No way would I ever have another kid with my ex, what a stupid position to put myself in so surely I would have to take some responsibility for that?
And it works both way, my boss' brother started seeing a woman who lost custody of her kid back in Australia and doesn't see her own kid!! That rings alarm bells for me but they got married, had 3 kids and they have been through hell and back because of her selfishness, painkiller addiction and many other reasons that now he has full custody of the kids and she has limited, supervised contact. No way would I have a child with someone who doesn't see their own kid.

Thanks yeh I would prefer if we could keep it on what I’ve posted about rather than fathers who were “tricked” into pregnancies as that’s a completely different discussion. My ex is not thick, how can you “trick” someone 4 times it’s mainly as has been said once the relationship ended with me he struggles to see them as something that is separate from me. He only ever wanted contact if it involved me, he would only ever come to my house to see them, he wouldn’t take them or have them at his. As soon as I put my foot down and said well no you can’t see them here and you need to make your own relationship with them he didn’t want to know.