Absent father

[Givemeabreak88]

Aibu to wonder why there are so many absent or uninterested fathers? I just can’t understand how someone can have kids and not care about how they are or want to see them, how can you go through life without seeing your kids for years? But it’s so common for so many fathers to pretend they don’t even have a child, is it just a case of out of sight out of mind?

Again, I'm talking about those who CHOOSE to do that, not because the mum moved, or made contact difficult but because they CHOOSE eow or less contact. There are a lot of them
So if they wanted the child, bonded with them, contact us not an issue, don't you think that there must be some serious reasons for them to walk away from their child?

It's a complex matter that is liny to be different for each individual. Making generalisations to just condemn each of them is a bit pointless.

it’s mainly as has been said once the relationship ended with me he struggles to see them as something that is separate from me
So maybe he is going through serious depression that affects his ability to make decisions, leaving him feeling nothing and mentally lethargic.

Or for some reasons, he never bonded with the children. If so, why not?

Serious reasons? well doesn’t seem that way, since absent fathers are extremely common. It’s not like it’s a rare thing is it 😑

My father has been absent all my life. I’ve always pretended I don’t care, but I really do. He has other children too. Some with previous relationships and some with his current wife. I’m the only one he doesn’t see so that makes it more suckish. My mum and him were pretty young. It’s a prime example of 2 young people who couldn’t work together to co-parent. He seen me a couple times as a toddler apparently but not since!

My partner is a wonderful father to our dc. I just don’t understand how some fathers (or mothers in some cases) abandon their children.

I don't think its complicated - I think the OP is right that in many cases the absent father sees the kids as so bound up with the mother that they can't separate the 2. My ex does see his eow but will arrange things as best suits HIM, never mind if it inconveniences the kids, causes them to miss things etc. If I ask him to help with the cost of something one off he rarely agrees (he pays CMS and not a penny more - again, that can only be about me, not them). He was a classic, had an affair, left, blames me for making him unhappy, the whole "script" thing. he still talks to the kids like they are the ages they were when he left, he is very uninvolved in their lives, shows no interest in promoting their hobbies etc. I am pretty sure that if his parents weren't around he would have dropped out of sight by now - it does seem like out of sight out of mind to me, compartmentalising.

Men are just weak and cowards in my opinion. Running away from a problem rather than confront it head on.
I know one of my friends would rather she has an absent father to their daughter rather than have to co-parent with a selfish and utter liar.

@dontdisturbmenow

it’s mainly as has been said once the relationship ended with me he struggles to see them as something that is separate from me So maybe he is going through serious depression that affects his ability to make decisions, leaving him feeling nothing and mentally lethargic.

Or for some reasons, he never bonded with the children. If so, why not?

Yes @Givemeabreak88 why are you being so selfish? Only thinking about the wellbeing of your children when you should look at things from the POV of the man who left you high and dry.

@dontdisturbmenow The kindest assumption I can make about you is that you've led a very sheltered life. Men abandon their kids all the time. It's not due to depression or the evil woman preventing them; in the majority of cases it's because they are lazy shits and looking after children without a servant (woman) around is difficult and expensive, so they choose not to do it. Nevermind that the kids miss them and want to see their dad, nevermind that the mum has to do 100% of the parenting, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The man can't be arsed so he does what he wants and the mum picks up the slack. The man is not the victim here.

oh and give over with the "depression" and "mental lethargy". how about self-absorbed, petty manchild who is a bit shit at not putting himself first? I'm not sure about the "bonding" thing like its some magic spell. I love my kids, they are with me most of the time, we are "bonded" but when he has them in the summer for two weeks, I mostly don't think about or miss them much. I bloody love the freedom to come and go as I please. I suspect that for many absent fathers, its like that. Lets not overcomplicate this and yet again make excuses. You don't want to generalise because the conclusion is that there are a fuck ton of selfish manchildren out there who DO let down their kids because they can and someone will come along and say "oh they are doing their best" or "mothers do it to" or "well he was trapped into it". Those cases do exist sure, but it is also true that a LOT of those who CHOOSE to be absent do it out of pure laziness, selfishness, prefer the comfy childfree life - as an earlier pp said. Parenting is often dull, annoying, expensive, restrictive but somehow most mothers just get on with it.

Absent fathers don't need anyone sticking up for them FFS. The status quo is that it is already socially acceptable to leave the parenting to the mother and blame her for the pregnancy/cies. You're wasting your energy fighting a battle that's already won, but bless you for trying.

How about the radical idea that men take responsibility for their own fertility and the results?

That’s what I’m saying it’s so wide spread, it’s not a rare thing so it doesn’t have to be extreme circumstances, many men choose to walk away just because they can’t be bothered. Simple really. Speaking of cm when I asked him to contribute to their upbringing I got “you don’t have kids to get paid!” That’s a clear example of how much he struggles to see them as his kids and not just part of me.

I hate the MH excuse as well? What about my mental health? No one seems to care about that, I can’t just give my kids to someone else for a few years though can I.

Stayings the hard part. Out of sight out of mind OP.

I've heard a few blame depression.

Some never wanted to be fathers in the first place.
Others, and I think your ex probably falls under this category OP, are only interested in/willing to have children as a means to having a relationship with a woman. When the relationship goes, the kids are a hassle.

The drive to have sex is strong in men, the drive to have children I think is less so (in evolutionary terms that didnt matter of course, nature just meant one led to the other) in our society where manliness is not judged by the number of children you have. Very different in other parts of the world, which leads to other problems.

It’s one of the few things that Americans get right. Child support come out of pay and a jail term for non payment. This is well overdue in this country.

That is the million dollar question. Like @3JsMa I can sympathise. My ex is a disgusting abusive and violent, infectious thug of a disgrace of a father/man and I mean that with every fiber of my being. He abused me, horrifically so whilst pregnant and after pregnancy, he threw a 30 week old pregnant woman down the stairs.
Anyway, his contact is currently supervised in a contact center, he's applied to take me to the Court and I HAD TO DO ALL the sorting out for his contact because he is so utterly selfish and left it all to the last minute. The contact center said it's often the way.
He's pleading woe is me, I am a wonderful and dutiful father but the fact of the matter is the moment he chose to abuse a defenceless child is when he lost my respect for him as a father. My daughter is SO much better off without him and I really hope the family court see him for the disgusting person he is... this is a man who forced social services to intervene and remove both DD and I from the family home. He makes my skin crawl and I hate him with utter venom.
These kind of absent fathers are just best out of our children's lives.

Absolutely agree @user1471462428

To have a child and then refuse to parent should be illegal.

Can't really see the men in power bringing that one in though.

Several months into a relationship with my ex he mentioned he had a DS that he hadn't seen since he was months old. The last time he'd tried to visit her father took a baseball bat to his car so he refused to go back. The young idiot in me didn't think to question what my bf had done to warrant such a strong violent reaction. I learnt about his own violent streak to my detriment (but that's a whole other thread!).
He has 4 dc and only sees 1 of them. None with me, phew!

DH has a DD, he's a fabulous dad and she lived with us for years before going off to uni.

I dont think.you can make someone parent - and you probably shouldn't try. They can and should be required to pay though - sensible amounts without fail.

@ColdBrightClearMorning

To add: it’s a big part of why it’s absolutely abhorrent to deceive someone into a pregnancy by lying that you’re using contraception when you’re not. People say ‘well he was stupid, he should have used condoms too’. Funnily enough when a woman is sexually assaulted by a man removing a condom without her knowing, nobody says ‘silly stupid woman, why didn’t she check the condom was in between thrusts?’

You’re willingly choosing to have a child with a man who has no desire to have one, and have a very high risk of saddling your kids with a shit dad.

I don’t say this to shame people who had kids with men who were enthusiastic and looked like they were going to be amazing fathers but then turned out not to be (people change and can conceal their true selves for a long time), but one of the wisest pieces of advice I ever got was this:

The biggest gift you can give your children is who you choose to be their father.

Having an active, involved father brings a lot to a child’s life, wellbeing and chances of success. More resources, more people there for support and encouragement, better outcomes in terms of cognitive development and education. There are many single parents working incredibly hard and doing an amazing job, often picking up the slack when the other parent has decided to opt out. But if you’re not yet pregnant it truly is imo the most important thing you will do for your future children. Choose a good dad (as far as is possible). I.e. don’t deceive a man into unprotected sex because any old sperm will do. It’s horribly unfair on everyone involved.

@ColdBrightClearMorning I am a bit surprised by your statements as they seem a bit closed-minded. Men do not have written on their foreheads what sort of dads they will be in the future.Many are very deceiving(especially those with NPD who are most likely to abandon own children) and very enthusiastic about forming a secure relationship and impregnate women before she is aware who they really are.Some are luckier and manage to escape from the toxicity sooner,some are completely confused for years before realizing who their partner really is. It's never black and white,most of the women that struggle today with raising children on their own after separation/divorce where subjected to the false image and hope of doting father who turned to be immature dick. We all know what sort of father is best for our children and most of us worked really hard to make it happen but what if all your efforts are turning against you and the only solution is to get away from this so called 'dad' so the children can have happy childhood far away from the drama and abuse?Do you think women willingly sacrifice their sanity to live with men like this? And the one that was deceived was me and my DS.When I met my ex he was so good at pretending that we are all he ever wanted as aparently he was infertile and will never have children so meeting me with my 10 month old DS was a miracle.According to him

In my case its just pure selfishness. My ex abandoned 2 dds after being in their lives for many years. Simply could not be bothered with them as that would have impacted on his social life and his ability to do whatever he wants, when he wants. I certainly didn't rush into marriage/having children with this man and they were both very much wanted. He seems to have a split personality. What gets me though is how other women entertain him knowing this.

I guarantee if you removed a woman’s right to terminate pregnancy there’d be a huge uprising in the numbers of absent mothers.

I guarantee you'd be wrong! I'm from a country where abortion was only legalized two years ago and contraception was illegal up until the 80's. Do we have hoardes and hoardes of absentee mothers as a result? Do we fuck! Most nonsensical comment I've seen for a while on here.

But in a lot of cases they don’t know. My ex has openly admitted that he doesn’t tell anyone he has children.

@Sunhoop your see a big rise in the number of illegal abortions though. And quite likely infanticide too. Women through the ages have resisted being forced into motherhood against their will.

But my ex wasn’t forced, we were in a relationship and they were planned. Men forced “tricked” into pregnancies is a completely separate topic!