SIL feels betrayed over my hair

[BabyBee93]

My SIL is a self employed hairdresser and has been doing my hair for about three years now.

She usually only cuts it , but last year she coloured it. I wasn't happy with the colour and went to another salon in a different town to have the colour retouched (she hadn't done a "bad" job, it was just totally not what I had asked for and I felt a bit miffed that I'd spent lots of money and hours having it done just for it to look practically the same as I'd had before). I've never mentioned to her that I went elsewhere for the colour and thanks to subsequent lockdown(s) she hasn't seen me to know that the colour she gave me is not the colour of my hair currently.

I text her last week when BoJo announced the date for hairdressers to reopen and asked if she could book me in for a haircut. She replied and said "what colour are we going for this time?" to which I replied "just a cut this time please!" She then put just "oh" and no responses since then

I now suspect that she has put two and two together as my brother has called me to say she will be devastated to know I had my colour done elsewhere and has asked me to give her another chance to colour my hair

AIBU to say no to my brother and still go elsewhere for the colour?

[Erkrie]

I'm not joking! grin. OP expects her SIL to act professionally but she has not acted similarly. Assuming her SIL is a professional, her feelings would not have been hurt by OP asking for something slightly different next time or to have it fixed. But instead, OP decided her SIL was too much of a snowflake and couldn't be professional. And now the problem has been compounded.

The op is the customer 🤣 she doesn't have to be professional. She can just choose to go elsewhere if she wants. After all, it is her hair.

[ktp100]

In my experience any and all home hairdressers are salty as fuck if you use someone else!!

I'd just say sorry but you've recently home coloured it and you liked it, plus it was cheaper so just a cut will do.

Are you planning on going to someone else to do just the colours?! It's a lot of faff!!

[Dontbeme]

@Kanaloa

I think it’s usually a bad idea to use a relative for a professional service (child minding, hair etc.) I would rather pay the full price and be able to get exactly what I want with no awkwardness.

Agree with this, my brother is a plumber and when known Cf's ask him to do work he always quotes 20% over other local plumbers, he knows that if he does work for family or friends that any time a tap drips, a leak occurs or it rains outside he get a call to fix his work even if the initial work he did was years ago, including one memorable call out to "fix shoddy work" that he completed 22 years previously.

[therealteamdebbie]

You have absolutely done nothing wrong OP! Your SIL is unprofessional and a CF.

It's tricky. If you give her another chance, you run the risk of spending a fortune on something you don't like, and be back to square 1 anyway.- minus the money.

I find it really difficult to get the perfect professional colourist, once I have one, I keep them!

I'd be tempted to lie and go elsewhere for EVERYTHING: and play the "practical" card saying it's more convenient for work, works better, is next to the gym/nursery. Who cares if she doesn't believe it, she has a chance to save face.

She will have to get over it I am afraid. I don't like people trying to black mail me or make me feel bad!

[ktp100]

Actually re-reading this I think I'd swerve her entirely from now on.

Getting your brother involved is so pathetic and unprofessional!!

[Wellpark]

'devasted'... really?! Devastated is how you feel when real tragedy happens, not when you don't colour someone's hair to their satisfaction. Talk about melodramatic!!

[Hoppinggreen]

A very close friend of mine owns a salon. I go there but one of her staff does my hair as I think it might be difficult if I didn’t get exactly what I wanted if my friend did it herself
Not a chance would I let family do it

[OVienna]

Are you sure the SIL asked your brother to give you another chance, or is he just lobbying on her behalf???

I would actually text your brother back a version of 'calm down, dear' and remind him it's your hair and you just want a cut, thank you, as she's done for the past three years. You don't want a colour at this time and he should stop acting like a loon.

[OVienna]

I now suspect that she has put two and two together as my brother has called me to say she will be devastated to know I had my colour done elsewhere and has asked me to give her another chance to colour my hair. I think this sentence is worded a bit ambiguously.

[RoosterRoosteringFree]

Your SIL charged you? Definitely don’t go to her for another haircut/colouring.
If you’re only going for a slightly different shade of the same colour then she might not notice the difference.

[LittleGwyneth]

Absolutely no way. If you're really worried about it then say something like 'I know I'm really fussy so I think it's better if I go to xx hairdresser where I can have them tinker with it until it's just what I want.'

[StillCoughingandLaughing]

That's a fair point, sort of. But it ignores the fact that OP didn't give SIL a chance to fix it. I would imagine that's what's upset her. OP didn't like her hair and instead of asking SIL to fix it, OP has just decided to be passive aggressive and not address it. All hairdressers will have had clients who were not 100% happy with their hair at some point. Most hairdressers like the opportunity to fix it rather than to lose the customer. Especially as so much of getting new customers is word of mouth from happy customers.

But this is the problem. The SIL is supposed to be offering a professional service, not a favour. She might want the chance to fix any issues, but that doesn’t mean she’s entitled to that chance. Customer and client is not a relationship of equals. Would you be telling the OP she should give Toni and Guy or Rush another chance? Or would you accept that business is business, and second chances are rare? The SIL has to decide whether she is running a business or doing her friends and family favours.

Professional hair colouring, even at ‘mate’s rates’, is expensive. It can’t be unheard of for clients not to want a colour on every visit. I wonder why the SIL’s reply was a rather blunt ‘Oh’ with no elaboration, when the OP said nothing about not liking the results last time. Not ‘Oh, okay - I’ll just book you in for a cut this time’; not ‘Oh, okay - are you going to do it yourself/grow the colour out/just touch up the roots?’ And most definitely not ‘Oh - were you unhappy last time?’ To paraphrase a popular Mumsnet maxim, ‘Oh’ is a complete sentence - and this one speaks volumes.

I think SIL had an idea that OP wasn’t particularly happy with her colour last time - and OP’s decision to ask for just a cut this time confirmed it. Rather than being professional about it, SIL decided to throw a strip and get her husband to intervene and play the family loyalty card.

OP - If I were you I’d message your SIL and say ‘Look, I’m not particularly happy about my brother telling me what to do with my own hair, and I’m sure you’re not happy that he’s decided to interfere with your business. I think, in future, I should stick to a salon - that way the relationship can be entirely professional, with no family arguments if I’m not happy with the results’.

[BabyBee93]

Wow thank you all for your replies! I'm so glad to read that I'm not alone I'm thinking this is a bit OTT

I pay her her usual rate, close to £200 for a full balayage and cut. I then spent another £200 with the second hairdresser so I must admit I'm a bit reluctant to give her a second chance as that's a lot of £££ for the sake of saving face. I also am a bit annoyed that my brother has phoned me, I'm not sure that it's any of his business what I do to my hair or who does it

I suppose lots of you are right in saying that you shouldn't mix family and business, I think I have learned that the hard way

I love what some PPs have said about just going elsewhere for my hair from now on under the guise of convenience, I think that's exactly what I'll do! As previously mentioned, she will know when she cuts my hair that I've been elsewhere and I'd rather not have that conversation when she's got a pair of scissors to my head

Thank you all for your helpful replies

[BabyBee93]

Also to add, if this were an actual independent salon who had messed up £££ worth of colour work, I absolutely wouldn't return and let them fix it. It's like if a mechanic broke your car and asked you for a second chance to fix it

[StillCoughingandLaughing]

@Chewingle

You could have given her another chance surely? And explained what you didn’t like.

And her husband knows but she doesn’t?

Why? Would you do that with a salon? And if the SIL is any good or has even an ounce of professionalism, why hasn’t she asked if there was some problem last time and if she could do anything to put it right? Instead she’s getting her husband to intervene, like a little girl running to mummy and daddy.

[Chewingle]

* Why? Would you do that with a salon? *

There’s a lot of things I would and indeed would not do with a salon hairdresser versus at home with my SIL! I’m close to my SIL so that drives my view that if not happy with way she did my hair, I would tell her and say how she suggests what she would do next time. If next time still not great, I’d say “thanks but now lockdown over, I’m missing the proper salon experience!” And whilst she may suspect I’m not happy, she’d accept that people like different types of hairdressers.

I guess I come at the issue as an adult someone who is close to her SIL and this all seems rather.... well I can’t relate to it.

[StillCoughingandLaughing]

Well if we’re talking about people not being ‘adult’, the SIL going to her husband and crying ‘Help! BabyBee is being meeeeean to me!’ isn’t the most mature way to behave, is it?

[OVienna]

£200 Gobsmacked. Nope. Wonder if the issue is other customers ate going elsewhere too...

[bigbird1969]

well the issue here is your getting family doing your hair, if it was a salon you would tell them your not happy with the colour and go back and get it sorted. You havent felt able to be honest with her. With covid she is likely relying on regular customers, So you might want be honest with her

[ContessaDiPulpo]

It's just occurred to me to wonder if there's any chance they are short of money this month and were hoping for the additional money that comes with a colour....

[Disressingtimes]

@2bazookas

Just say NO COLOUR THANKS . " I like the way she cuts it but if she's too busy I'll just get it done somewhere else, no problem"

^ this.

[MuddleMoo]

£200!

[Chewingle]

@StillCoughingandLaughing

Well if we’re talking about people not being ‘adult’, the SIL going to her husband and crying ‘Help! BabyBee is being meeeeean to me!’ isn’t the most mature way to behave, is it?

Agreed.

Every party in this scenario behaves in a peculiar manner to me

[icelollycraving]

£200 for someone to do it in your home. No.

[BoredMumofTwins]

She's not being very helpful. I think you might have to have a cut and colour somewhere else. You don't have to go to her and she shouldn't expect you to. It's your hair and your choice. You didn't like how she did it. Why should you have to have her do it again? Chances are you won't like it the next time either. Just tell her you've made other arrangements.