SIL feels betrayed over my hair

[BabyBee93]

My SIL is a self employed hairdresser and has been doing my hair for about three years now.

She usually only cuts it , but last year she coloured it. I wasn't happy with the colour and went to another salon in a different town to have the colour retouched (she hadn't done a "bad" job, it was just totally not what I had asked for and I felt a bit miffed that I'd spent lots of money and hours having it done just for it to look practically the same as I'd had before). I've never mentioned to her that I went elsewhere for the colour and thanks to subsequent lockdown(s) she hasn't seen me to know that the colour she gave me is not the colour of my hair currently.

I text her last week when BoJo announced the date for hairdressers to reopen and asked if she could book me in for a haircut. She replied and said "what colour are we going for this time?" to which I replied "just a cut this time please!" She then put just "oh" and no responses since then

I now suspect that she has put two and two together as my brother has called me to say she will be devastated to know I had my colour done elsewhere and has asked me to give her another chance to colour my hair

AIBU to say no to my brother and still go elsewhere for the colour?

[georgarina]

Leaving out the cost, it's damaging to your hair to get it coloured twice. You said she's been cutting your hair for three years and only tried colour once. The colour didn't look good. So stick to your guns and say "just a cut." It's not her right to colour your hair.

[MrsKoala]

While I understand it’s awkward to say you don’t like something a family member has done, I think it’s worse to lie to them. There must have been a point when sil asked op whether she liked it and at that point she must have lied.

However, as a professional hairdresser she should create a comfortable atmosphere where the client feels able to be honest and work together to achieve the result which is desired. They need to be realistic about what is possible with certain hair types and in what time frame. If the op didn’t feel able to be honest then part of that responsibility lies with the hairdresser.

I’ve had some really awkward conversations with irritated and huffy hairdressers and that’s the reason I’ve not gone back, not the initial problem. The current salon I go to I often say if things aren’t right and they are so accommodating to change it as they want happy returning clients. Which is why I go back and am comfortable to pay so much. Now they know exactly what I like and how my hair will respond to colour. Which only comes from communicating with each other.

If she’s a professional hairdresser she must be used to people not being entirely satisfied with colours - especially the first time you colour, you can never quite tell if it’s going to be exactly what you ask for because different hair responds to different products (eg dark hair might take more to lift the colour and if you have natural reds it could go more brassy than expected). It’s totally normal to have it corrected till the hairdresser gets used to your hair.

[Whatamess582]

yes. My first comment was exactly that. ‘Sorry, all a bit awkward because we are family, but I didn’t like it, should have said something at the time’-type thing. I got called obsequious because I subsequently suggested smoothing it over with saying they could try again with better discussions and colour planning. No SIL hasn’t come out of this looking any more mature but the OP asked if we thought she was being unreasonable. I gave a suggestion for what she could do.

Obviously OP and loads of other posters are all happy to cause family tension and upset for the sake of some hair colour and pride. At a time when families need to let go of the little shit and concentrate on what’s important. But considering that the whole country nearly went into melt down last year because the couldn’t get their hair done for 3 months.... obviously I have different priorities

[B33Fr33]

I'm not a hairdresser visiting person. But £200 for a service that went wrong? Fuck that. I'd also be quite furious if my doctors husband called me up to say my Dr was upset when I asked to switch Drs. And funnily enough, that never happened! Why does he get to wander in like some gorilla to force you into playing ball just because he's your brother.
Just say you've rethought it and from now on you'll be sticking with someone else so the boundaries are clear.

[StillCoughingandLaughing]

@Whatamess582

Wow that was unnecessarily agressive. IMO the OP sat and watched her hair being coloured, and saw the finished product and despite it being not at all what she wanted she must have untruthfully said something along the lines of ‘oh lovely thanks so much, here’s £200. See you soon!’ And then walked out of the place and phoned someone else to fix it and paid even more money. she could have avoided all this bother had she truthfully said ‘sorry that’s not what we discussed, I can’t see that much difference and if I’m paying £200 to have my hair done then I kind of want it to be done how I wanted and look like it’s different to when I walked in here.’ This is what I would say (and have said) to any hair colourist who did my hair and I was unhappy. and her SIL certainly deserved better. Ok the hair didn’t come out right. She didn’t know that. She was probably under the impression she had done a good job and the OP was pleased.

The OP lied, didn’t give her SIL the chance to fix it and created an awkward situation with her and her brother when all of this never needed to happen had she just grown a backbone and told the truth. She treated a family member like a stranger and not only did she lie about it, and go to someone else to fix it, she also now can’t even tell the truth when it all comes out. Her brother is obviously in a horrible position.

And now she is asking if she is being unreasonable. Maybe I should have put it more succinctly. Yes. YABU. You should ring your SIL and tell her the truth and either give her a second chance or admit that you just don’t want her to colour your hair again.

Stillsmiling said it better than I did maybe but basically the same thing.

Am I obsequious? I don’t think so. I probably wouldn’t have ever had a family member cut or colour my hair as if this situation came up I would hate being in the situation to either say it at the salon or after the fact. Had I been caught out like this... then yes I would probably try to come clean at that point and try to get it back to a workable situation.

This post is full of contradictions. On one hand you claim the OP treated her SIL ‘like a stranger’ - yet on the other, you criticise her for not speaking up and saying she was unhappy with her hair colour. Has it never occurred to you that the OP didn’t feel comfortable saying she was unhappy precisely because her SIL isn’t a stranger? It’s much easier to tell someone with whom you have a purely professional relationship that you’re unhappy with their work.

You’re also saying that the OP should be honest and tell SIL she doesn’t want to use her anymore. Where is the SIL’s honesty? Her only response was ‘Oh’. She got her husband to deal with everything else. For all SIL knew, the OP didn’t want a colour because she can’t afford one at the moment, it was happy to let it grow out - yet she a) assumed a problem and b) refused to deal with it herself.

[BlueThistles]

@gamerchick

I'd find another salon and sack her completely don't have the patience for that crap.

this 🌺

[moanieleminx]

And my sibling is a hair dresser, and has a salon.

Likes everyone to come to them, won't take payment and then acts like everyone owes them a favour. (I always left the amount owed as a tip for the trainees as they work very very hard).

After years of being the guinea pigs, (which we were happy to do) DP's and I stopped going pretty quickly to be honest.

[moanieleminx]

£200!!!!!
Is that normal???


(Thankful that I like the colour of my hair naturally and only visit hair dressers once every 12-18 months for a cut.)

[OhCaptain]

@Whatamess582

Wow that was unnecessarily agressive. IMO the OP sat and watched her hair being coloured, and saw the finished product and despite it being not at all what she wanted she must have untruthfully said something along the lines of ‘oh lovely thanks so much, here’s £200. See you soon!’ And then walked out of the place and phoned someone else to fix it and paid even more money. she could have avoided all this bother had she truthfully said ‘sorry that’s not what we discussed, I can’t see that much difference and if I’m paying £200 to have my hair done then I kind of want it to be done how I wanted and look like it’s different to when I walked in here.’ This is what I would say (and have said) to any hair colourist who did my hair and I was unhappy. and her SIL certainly deserved better. Ok the hair didn’t come out right. She didn’t know that. She was probably under the impression she had done a good job and the OP was pleased.

The OP lied, didn’t give her SIL the chance to fix it and created an awkward situation with her and her brother when all of this never needed to happen had she just grown a backbone and told the truth. She treated a family member like a stranger and not only did she lie about it, and go to someone else to fix it, she also now can’t even tell the truth when it all comes out. Her brother is obviously in a horrible position.

And now she is asking if she is being unreasonable. Maybe I should have put it more succinctly. Yes. YABU. You should ring your SIL and tell her the truth and either give her a second chance or admit that you just don’t want her to colour your hair again.

Stillsmiling said it better than I did maybe but basically the same thing.

Am I obsequious? I don’t think so. I probably wouldn’t have ever had a family member cut or colour my hair as if this situation came up I would hate being in the situation to either say it at the salon or after the fact. Had I been caught out like this... then yes I would probably try to come clean at that point and try to get it back to a workable situation.

She wasn’t aggressive at all!

I agree. OP shouldn’t be bowing and scraping to SIL.

The tone of your suggested message is grovelling and apologetic. A little self-deprecating.

Fuck that!

SIL and brother have acted like complete knobs and OP doesn’t owe either of them a thing. Certainly not a second chance at an expensive fuck up!

[Whatamess582]

Wow that was unnecessarily agressive. IMO the OP sat and watched her hair being coloured, and saw the finished product and despite it being not at all what she wanted she must have untruthfully said something along the lines of ‘oh lovely thanks so much, here’s £200. See you soon!’ And then walked out of the place and phoned someone else to fix it and paid even more money. she could have avoided all this bother had she truthfully said ‘sorry that’s not what we discussed, I can’t see that much difference and if I’m paying £200 to have my hair done then I kind of want it to be done how I wanted and look like it’s different to when I walked in here.’ This is what I would say (and have said) to any hair colourist who did my hair and I was unhappy. and her SIL certainly deserved better. Ok the hair didn’t come out right. She didn’t know that. She was probably under the impression she had done a good job and the OP was pleased.

The OP lied, didn’t give her SIL the chance to fix it and created an awkward situation with her and her brother when all of this never needed to happen had she just grown a backbone and told the truth. She treated a family member like a stranger and not only did she lie about it, and go to someone else to fix it, she also now can’t even tell the truth when it all comes out. Her brother is obviously in a horrible position.

And now she is asking if she is being unreasonable. Maybe I should have put it more succinctly. Yes. YABU. You should ring your SIL and tell her the truth and either give her a second chance or admit that you just don’t want her to colour your hair again.

Stillsmiling said it better than I did maybe but basically the same thing.

Am I obsequious? I don’t think so. I probably wouldn’t have ever had a family member cut or colour my hair as if this situation came up I would hate being in the situation to either say it at the salon or after the fact. Had I been caught out like this... then yes I would probably try to come clean at that point and try to get it back to a workable situation.

[Summersun2020]

@mainsfed agreed!!
OP she fucked your hair, charged you over the odds for the privilege and threw a tantrum when you went to a professional to get it fixed...don’t apologise!

[mainsfed]

@Whatamess582

Might have just been easier to say it straight off and not go behind her back to someone else. Considering it was a family member one can’t be underhand about these things.

Behind her back? Underhand? The OP doesn’t owe her SIL anything, it’s a free country she can get her hair done anywhere she wants!

Just phone her and say ‘listen, full disclosure.... 😬 last time it wasn’t exactly how I wanted it and because we are family I got all embarrassed and didn’t know how to say it. I went somewhere else. Really sorry. It’s a bit awkward. Would love to try again. Would absolutely rather give you the money than a stranger. Can we sit down and just look at the colours again, to get it exactly right this time?

This has to be the most doornatty suggested text I’ve ever read on MN. I can’t work out if you expect others to be this obsequious to you in real life or if you are this obsequious.

Please don’t send this OP

[Petlover9]

£200 is way too much for a "home" cut, it is the sort of cost of a London saloon, with all their overheads. Mobile hairdressers in the suburbs don't charge that much. I cannot believe she charged that. Best to find someone outside the family although I realise it is going to be difficult to break away, especially with brother becoming involved

[StillCoughingandLaughing]

The irony is, if the SIL was flogging Younique or Arbonne and the OP was considering buying a £10 eyeliner to get SIL off her back, everyone would be telling her to keep her money and not give in to MLM pressure tactics. SIL wants £200 to repeat work the OP wasn’t happy with the first time around, and it’s ‘Awwh, give her another chance’.

[evenBetter]

That’s cute that so many posters think it’s fine to waste £200 over and over to save the delicate petals feelings. Must be nice to be rich.

[Stilsmiling]

If going to family for a service then you need to be able to work out beforehand how you will handle any situation where you aren’t 100% happy. You need to know if you have the kind of relationship that you can be honest and say:

“It’s a lovely colour and I really like the cut but I was hoping for a different colour, like the picture I showed you.”

Then the ball is in her court to decide how to react.

If you are paying full rate then you should be able to have the full “complaints” service available to you. You can explain to your brother and SIL that you realise that you should have said something at the time (that will help make them be more open to listening) but you felt a bit awkward saying you weren’t happy with it it though you’d paid full price for it. If it had been another salon you would have said that the colour wasn’t what you had asked for and paid £200 for.

Don’t allow it to create a difficulty in the family relationships, that’s much more important. Just give your brother a call, also speak to your SIL and be very factual:

1. You don’t want anyone to be offended or hurt. Family is more important than hair.
   
2. You do feel awkward getting hair done by family as even though you pay full price you don’t feel like you can raise an issue about how the end result is like you would with another salon. Maybe they don’t want you to feel like that but that’s just how you feel.
   
3. You got your hair done elsewhere the way you wanted it done as you dish the want to hurt your SIL feelings but realise now that you’ve hurt them anyway so sorry.
   
4. You appreciate that your SIL would like to try it again but you just want to go somewhere closer to you and not feel worried in case there is an issue in the fruits, not mix business and pleasure/family.
   

Good luck!

[Whatamess582]

Might have just been easier to say it straight off and not go behind her back to someone else. Considering it was a family member one can’t be underhand about these things. Just phone her and say ‘listen, full disclosure.... 😬 last time it wasn’t exactly how I wanted it and because we are family I got all embarrassed and didn’t know how to say it. I went somewhere else. Really sorry. It’s a bit awkward. Would love to try again. Would absolutely rather give you the money than a stranger. Can we sit down and just look at the colours again, to get it exactly right this time?

[Flatoutonsofa]

I once had my legs waxed by someone I knew. We weren't close friends but I knew her socially. She was just starting out working from home as a beautician. Turned out she'd done some Mickey mouse online course on waxing. After three hours of really not knowing what she was doing I paid her for a terrible job and ran off on my still hairy legs. It's awkward to say you're not happy in those situations! We never mentioned it again.

[Flatoutonsofa]

I can see from your posts that you've decided to just go elsewhere for both, and I think that's the best solution. Your SIL is being ridiculous - surely she's had clients go elsewhere before? Just because you're related doesn't mean you're tied to her. And it's nothing to do with your brother. Where I live, it's cheaper to get both colour and cut done at the same time. It's not like your SIL is even doing you a favour, so you're a regular client paying regular prices with the same choices as everyone else. She may sulk for a bit, but she'll get over it. Devastated? She needs to grow up.
Enjoy your hair when you finally get it done. Can't wait for my appointment!

[Buffs]

Give her another chance but be honest with her and talk to her about exactly what you want. My favourite Colourist would sometimes get it wrong and she would happily pop back and give me what she called was an adjustment. Colour isn’t always easy to get right but the good thing is that it can pretty much always be corrected. You do need to tell her though.

[Imissmoominmama]

Show her your current colour. It’s not difficult!

[Mummyyyyyyyyyy]

I’d just go elsewhere for the cut & colour. The problem with having family do it is it is difficult to complain when you don’t like it.

[StillCoughingandLaughing]

@SpeakingFranglais

Whoever is involved, I don’t think it’s ok to go to a different hairdresser for cut and colour. Maybe ok to go to different stylist and colourists in the same salon, but not different salons.

Why the hell not? When you’re the client, you see who you want.

If a salon owner is so precious that he/she can’t cope with a customer going elsewhere for their colour, they’re really in the wrong business. Clients are not there to massage their egos.

I’ve never had a hairdresser who didn’t try to persuade me I needed a professional colourist. Of course they do - just as they try to persuade clients they need the £12 conditioner only available in salons rather than Wash ‘n’ Go at two for one in Superdrug. That’s where the mark-up is. A hairdresser who takes offence at a client saying no isn’t going to last long.

[2Rebecca]

I colour my own hair and just pay for a cut. I dont see why that is different to going to 2 different salons. I found having my hair coloured professionally too time consuming. A £5 box seems to work fine for me

[2Rebecca]

Wow £200. I agree that I would have gone elsewhere to get it cut as well. I don't like getting relatives and close friends to do jobs because if I'm not happy or they don't turn up I can't complain. Some things are OK but you weren't happy with her colouring and she costs a fortune