SIL feels betrayed over my hair

[BabyBee93]

My SIL is a self employed hairdresser and has been doing my hair for about three years now.

She usually only cuts it , but last year she coloured it. I wasn't happy with the colour and went to another salon in a different town to have the colour retouched (she hadn't done a "bad" job, it was just totally not what I had asked for and I felt a bit miffed that I'd spent lots of money and hours having it done just for it to look practically the same as I'd had before). I've never mentioned to her that I went elsewhere for the colour and thanks to subsequent lockdown(s) she hasn't seen me to know that the colour she gave me is not the colour of my hair currently.

I text her last week when BoJo announced the date for hairdressers to reopen and asked if she could book me in for a haircut. She replied and said "what colour are we going for this time?" to which I replied "just a cut this time please!" She then put just "oh" and no responses since then

I now suspect that she has put two and two together as my brother has called me to say she will be devastated to know I had my colour done elsewhere and has asked me to give her another chance to colour my hair

AIBU to say no to my brother and still go elsewhere for the colour?

[stablefeet]

@SpaceOp

I think you probably made a mistake going to your SIL in the first place, but that is what it is.

But actually, I think you made an even bigger mistake on the colour situation. Every single thing I've ever read or seen agrees that if your hair dresser does something you're not happy with, you tell them. If it's minor, you tell them when you next go so that they don't make same mistake again. If it's more significant, you call back and ask to come in to get it fixed immediately. Which is what you should have done. if the colour wasn't right you should have either asked her to fix it on the spot (or a day or two after) or you should have accepted that it wasn't quite right and been prepared to ask her to do it differently the next time.

You are actually the one being passive aggressive and I don't actually blame your SIL for being upset.

You've got to be joking

[Erkrie]

You are actually the one being passive aggressive and I don't actually blame your SIL for being upset

🤣 Oh my goodness. I can't believe someone has actually said this.

[NeedToGetOuttaHere]

I’d also go to the other salon for cut and colour.

[SpaceOp]

I'm not joking! . OP expects her SIL to act professionally but she has not acted similarly. Assuming her SIL is a professional, her feelings would not have been hurt by OP asking for something slightly different next time or to have it fixed. But instead, OP decided her SIL was too much of a snowflake and couldn't be professional. And now the problem has been compounded.

[SnarkyBag]

@FlamedToACrisp

It's only hair - even terrible mistakes will grow out eventually. Give her another chance, for the sake of family feelings, be very clear about what you want, and thank your lucky stars she doesn't do tattoos.

Fuck that! I wouldn’t risk going around with shit hair just to spare family feelings!

[ContessaDiPulpo]

But OP was clearly right to think that her SIL is a snowflake, because.... well, look!

[Ihopeyourcakeisshit]

@murbblurb

ignore her, she needs to grow up. You are not compelled to have her do your hair, especially as she doesn't do what you want.

over sensitive women are a real PITA.

Amen to that.

[greenlynx]

I’m a bit surprised that such a big thing has turned out just because you’ve booked an appointment for haircut only. You only want a haircut this time, so what? Last time I went for a haircut I was uncomfortable to sit hours for colour so just opted for haircut. I said to my hairdresser that it’s just cut this time. No drama.

As to whether to give her another chance, it’s a different question. I would say it depends how important your hair cut for you. I gave my previous hairdresser 2 chances but after 2 weeks I could alter the result with a bit of hairstyling. Now I have problem with hair regrowth so I can allow only 1 chance. Also with mine I saw she couldn’t get it however simple my explanation was so I moved. She was not a family though.
I had an experience with doing haircuts with SIL, I wasn’t entirely happy and it’s indeed tricky. Now I make sure DD and I have haircuts just before we visit her. In your case if your SIL can’t get your colour I would move elsewhere for both, citing distance/ time of the day/ urgency etc.

[SpaceOp]

@ContessaDiPulpo

But OP was clearly right to think that her SIL is a snowflake, because.... well, look!

That's a fair point, sort of. But it ignores the fact that OP didn't give SIL a chance to fix it. I would imagine that's what's upset her. OP didn't like her hair and instead of asking SIL to fix it, OP has just decided to be passive aggressive and not address it. All hairdressers will have had clients who were not 100% happy with their hair at some point. Most hairdressers like the opportunity to fix it rather than to lose the customer. Especially as so much of getting new customers is word of mouth from happy customers.

[MuddleMoo]

Not sure why she's got your brother to contact you. Does she get him to contact all her clients?

[LilMidge01]

I actually agree with @SpaceOp .... surely she knew this would become an issue if she keeps going to SIL to get her hair cut but colours it somewhere else, eventually SIL would notice. Or is she just never expecting to see her again even after the pandemic?

If she wants to keep having her hair coloured in the future, this was eventually going to come to a head, but rather than dealing with it on the spot and making it momentarily awkward but better in the long-term, OP chose to push the issue down the line for an easier 'out' in the short term and now it is coming back to bite her.

SIL sounds like she's being childish, but OP wasn;t being very adult either by pretending all was fine and then getting it fixed behind her back. It's not overly rude to say 'oh I didn't like how that turned out, maybe I wasn't clear enough...can we please do x, y, z?'.

OP has dug a bit of hole here and just needs to come clean and say she doesn't want SIL colouring her hair because she didn't like how she did it last time. It's gonna lead to more fall out though than if she'd just said it at the start....

[ShadierThanaPalmTree]

If I were in your position I wouldn't bother using her again. At the end of the day - you are paying her for a professional job, you are a customer. A professional should not be sulking or sending passive aggressive messages.

You should be honest with her about why you wont use her as well, when you are paying her to cut your hair it is business, not family.

[lazylump72]

I often wondered if there was a cost to betrayal reckoning its now about 60 quid?!!!!! OP your money,your hair go where you like. I would not be held to randsom,She wants your money,you do not wish to give it her as she didnt have the skills you payed for so thats that.Sil or not you owe her nothing.

[PrincessNutNuts]

That "oh" and then radio silence followed by the communication from your brother would put me right off letting her do anything to my hair at all.

I don't do well with unprofessionalism, pass-agg or emotional blackmail.

[user1494055864]

@FlamedToACrisp

It's only hair - even terrible mistakes will grow out eventually. Give her another chance, for the sake of family feelings, be very clear about what you want, and thank your lucky stars she doesn't do tattoos.

Meanwhile in the real world...

[GloriaSilver]

I would also give one more chance.

[SoddingWeddings]

Sod that, don't let her cut your hair, go elsewhere and say you're missing salons or whatever works for your excuses, but unless you say about what happened last time, she'll never improve.

[Stovetopespresso]

I had this with a friend (baby group friend). she overcharged me (corrected it later though but not before i'd had to go to the cashpoint specially), forgot half her stuff and told me what I wanted was "stupid". I didn't use her again. I'm a massive over-thinker went through AGONY wondering wtf to say if anyone in the group asked me where I got my hair done, to the point of not getting it done at all!
luckily friend has a good head on her and let it drop. when the topic of hair came up I dropped into conv that I really liked going to a salon where I had some me-time away from the kids, being pampered, music, magazines, glass of wine etc.
maybe you could just say something similar?

[mainsfed]

She's lucky you didn't ask her a refund for the last job!

I see she hasn't offered to do it for free, has she?

She's a CF, say no please!

[OhCaptain]

Hang on. You’re both adults, yes?

But your (also adult) brother felt the need to get involved?

This is about hair. He wants you to spend money risking her ballsing up your colour again because her feelings might get hurt.

And he felt the need to contact you about this.

I’m baffled! Tell them both to fuck off.

[Stovetopespresso]

x post @SoddingWeddings!
she didn't text you herself, she didn't do a "was there an issue with your colour, let me fix it, let's talk, I want to put this right" vibe though.
I guess you could say the truth. you didn't like it last time but you don't want it to be an issue between you as SILS.

[stayathomer]

I actually think it sounds like she doesn't know but just thinks you weren't happy with the colour. No advice except a time machine to never ever deal with family for getting a service

[ColdBrightClearMorning]

Her passive aggressive reply alone would mean I stopped going to her. Fuck that for a laugh. Imagine the anxiety next time worrying you won’t be suitably effusive enough and feeling unable to tell her if it isn’t right! Big old nope from me.

If she’d replied with something like ‘no worries! Was everything okay with the last cut? You can always tell me if it wasn’t quite right’ I’d feel differently.

[CharityDingle]

@OhCaptain

Hang on. You’re both adults, yes?

But your (also adult) brother felt the need to get involved?

This is about hair. He wants you to spend money risking her ballsing up your colour again because her feelings might get hurt.

And he felt the need to contact you about this.

I’m baffled! Tell them both to fuck off.

Exactly.

[ColdBrightClearMorning]

If you’re not careful you’re gonna end up in a ridiculous situation where you’re paying her to do your colour shit and then paying someone else to cover it up just to avoid hurting the feelings of a passive aggressive supposed ‘professional’ (as in, this is her actual job not just a hobby).