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AIBU?

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Original poster

SIL feels betrayed over my hair

167 replies

BabyBee93 · 01/03/2021 14:58

My SIL is a self employed hairdresser and has been doing my hair for about three years now.

She usually only cuts it , but last year she coloured it. I wasn't happy with the colour and went to another salon in a different town to have the colour retouched (she hadn't done a "bad" job, it was just totally not what I had asked for and I felt a bit miffed that I'd spent lots of money and hours having it done just for it to look practically the same as I'd had before). I've never mentioned to her that I went elsewhere for the colour and thanks to subsequent lockdown(s) she hasn't seen me to know that the colour she gave me is not the colour of my hair currently.

I text her last week when BoJo announced the date for hairdressers to reopen and asked if she could book me in for a haircut. She replied and said "what colour are we going for this time?" to which I replied "just a cut this time please!" She then put just "oh" and no responses since then

I now suspect that she has put two and two together as my brother has called me to say she will be devastated to know I had my colour done elsewhere and has asked me to give her another chance to colour my hair

AIBU to say no to my brother and still go elsewhere for the colour?

OP posts:
MrsComte · 01/03/2021 16:08

@SpaceOp

I'm not joking! Grin. OP expects her SIL to act professionally but she has not acted similarly. Assuming her SIL is a professional, her feelings would not have been hurt by OP asking for something slightly different next time or to have it fixed. But instead, OP decided her SIL was too much of a snowflake and couldn't be professional. And now the problem has been compounded.

Jesus Christ Hmm

PearlescentIridescent · 01/03/2021 16:08

I'm quite sensitive to upsetting people so I probably would have spun a convincing chatty message saying how I'm growing out my natural colour etc etc and how you just want a cut, as I think a blunt "just a cut" could have hurt her feelings.

Obviously no one is obligated to respond to people like this and if for example she knows you always cover your roots I understand why it may be even more awkard to like but a little white lie to keep people happy doesn't cause too much trouble!

Colour theory is complex though so I totally agree with you that you wouldn't want someone inexperienced messing with your hair especially when you are paying

CheesyWeez · 01/03/2021 16:10

I would probably chicken out and tell SiL that I had learned to do my own colour in lockdown but still want her to do a nice cut.

I once won a haircut in a school fete and it was my DS' classmate's mum who was a professional mobile hairdresser. Luckily I liked the way she worked and it was good for many cut and colours after that. But from time to time when I did fancy a change it was a bit embarrassing and I said I'd been on a spa weekend that included a cut and colour. :/

Ileflottante · 01/03/2021 16:10

My god there are some actual loons on here.

OP is not the problem here.

Frazzled2207 · 01/03/2021 16:11

@Kanaloa

I think it’s usually a bad idea to use a relative for a professional service (child minding, hair etc.) I would rather pay the full price and be able to get exactly what I want with no awkwardness.
I agree with this though not everyone will feel this way.

I think you need to try and be honest with her that you weren't happy with the way she did it last time. Being a family member you don't want this lingering.

ColdBrightClearMorning · 01/03/2021 16:12

The ‘oh’ reply is a bit of a clue to why OP clearly didn’t feel comfortable mentioning the poor colour job to SIL when it happened.

2me2u2u2me · 01/03/2021 16:14

@FlamedToACrisp

It's only hair - even terrible mistakes will grow out eventually. Give her another chance, for the sake of family feelings, be very clear about what you want, and thank your lucky stars she doesn't do tattoos.
OMG, so OP should take the chance of having another shit hair colouring for fear of upsetting her SIL, who didn't listen to her in the first place, I think not.

OP, if your SIL is fine with replying to your message with just a "oh" and then complaining to your brother, so he comes to you, then I'd have no problem being honest and saying you prefer it done where you previously went.

AtSwimTwoBerts · 01/03/2021 16:17

It's only hair - even terrible mistakes will grow out eventually. Give her another chance, for the sake of family feelings, be very clear about what you want, and thank your lucky stars she doesn't do tattoos

Fuck no! Do not have your hair butchered for the sake of some silly womans hurt feelings!

AtSwimTwoBerts · 01/03/2021 16:17

But instead, OP decided her SIL was too much of a snowflake and couldn't be professional

You mean: OP has been proven correct in this decision by the actions of her SIL. She isn't professional.

Meowchickameowmeow · 01/03/2021 16:18

@FlamedToACrisp

It's only hair - even terrible mistakes will grow out eventually. Give her another chance, for the sake of family feelings, be very clear about what you want, and thank your lucky stars she doesn't do tattoos.
Don't talk rubbish. Why should anyone risk a bad colour job to placate someone who doesn't know what they're doing?
ITakeCharge · 01/03/2021 16:19

When I get my hair cut I am paying for a professional service and I expect people to act like professionals. I don't bother getting it coloured but would feel the same about that.
If SIL is offering to do it for free then OP can decide whether the money saved is worth the risk of getting a result she doesn't like. If SIL is charging, even if it may be mates rates, then she needs to act like a professional - so respond to the request for a cut with an appointment time or say she can't fit OP in, and accept she goes somewhere else for the colour, and not get the brother involved. Since she can't be professional I would be going elsewhere for both the cut and colour and never use her again.
I assume OP didn't mention not liking the colour as she was family and didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I am not sure why people are criticizing her for that. That is a good reason not to use friends or family for these services as you may not feel able to give negative feedback in the same way you can with someone in a salon who you can then expect to sort it out to your satisfaction.

diddl · 01/03/2021 16:20

So she doesn't usually colour it, you let her do it once & now you've asked for just a cut again.

She doesn't need to know the ins & outs to work out that you didn't like it does she?

If you didn't trust her enough to talk about it, I can see why you wouldn't let her colour it again.

LabbyNoona · 01/03/2021 16:22

Does she have form for this sort of thing?

Reinventinganna · 01/03/2021 16:22

Why not be honest?

MindyStClaire · 01/03/2021 16:23

I'd be very unimpressed at her dragging your brother into it. I think you have two options:

Oh I just prefer SIL's cut and salon's colour, so I'm going to continue with both for now.

Or

If this is going to cause ill feeling within the family, I think it's best I stop using SIL as a hairdresser and we just see each other socially. Looking forward to a catch up once things reopen!

Melange99 · 01/03/2021 16:25

Why not use the excuse a PP has given, that you want to go to a salon, and have some me time. Especially now that there is an end in sight to pandemic, you want to get out of the house.

I would not want her to colour or cut my hair, especially after she got her husband involved. She is meant to be a pro.

Frauhubert · 01/03/2021 16:26

I don’t trust any hairdresser, so to have your SIL as your hairdresser is asking for trouble as you can’t just ditch her and never see her again.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/03/2021 16:26

Can’t you tell her what you didn’t like about the colour and have her try and tweak it- actually if you stil hve the previous salons colour in your hair she should better see what you are trying to achieve.
I’d be miffed too

MummytoCSJH · 01/03/2021 16:27

OP doesn't need to be professional. She isn't in a work environment, she's a paying customer. SIL is supposed to be the professional but she texted back 'oh' like a moody teenager who is giving the silent treatment. Come on...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/03/2021 16:28

Actually, thinking that SIL would try to get between me and my brother would absolutely ensure that I never allowed her near my hair again.

And that's what I'd tell my brother too; our sibling relationship is between and and I - it has nothing whatsoever to do with her. Likewise, a business arrangement between SIL and myself has nothing to do with him.

TempName01 · 01/03/2021 16:30

Why would she know you had your colour done elsewhere if that occurred last year? I’m presuming you haven’t had your colour done recently so why would she think you had gone elsewhere?

CleverCatty · 01/03/2021 16:34

After falling out with a hairdresser I'd known and used on and off for years (think 17 years old) and considered a friend I now use hairdressers as strictly a business relationship with courtesy sprinkled in.

Your SIL and your DB trying to speak between themselves is awful and really breaching boundaries!

It's your hair, the colour you didn't like that she did last time so why would you trust her again?

I have to say - it can be tricky (I've tried this before) if you want to use one hairdresser for a colour job and another for a cutting job - a lot of hairdressers whether related to them or not would take offence so I'd just find a new hairdresser for both cut and/or colour and leave SIL out of the equation.

Chewingle · 01/03/2021 16:37

You could have given her another chance surely? And explained what you didn’t like.

And her husband knows but she doesn’t?

Laiste · 01/03/2021 16:39

Just go to a salon from now on.

The way you handle a purely customer/client relationship is not easily the same way you want to be with a family member.

This is proved by the SIL herself! I doubt she gets her husband to ring any of her other clients up if/when she hears they've gone elsewhere! Hmm

starfishmummy · 01/03/2021 16:39

Im not even sure I would trust her to cut it now. She's already shown that she is unprofessional by getting her husband involved. Op could end up scalped

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