@PurpleCrocuses
The posters smugly saying "Just say no durrrr" really have no idea how often "just being firm" results in women being raped or assaulted, do they?
And there are all sorts of other factors which hugely influence a person's ability to "have good boundaries" and to be able to enforce those boundaries. Women who grew up in severely abusive homes simply don't know what healthy boundaries are and almost certainly have a degree of invisible and undiagnosed brain damage making things that privileged people take for granted almost impossible. If you've been taught from birth that you don't matter and have no rights and no bodily autonomy, learning that you are allowed consent takes a mountain of effort. Being autistic or having mental health problems or an LD also makes this much harder.
There are also issues regarding having to balance boundaries with social and romantic needs. The smugsters who grew up in loving families and have loads of friends and married their wonderful DH when they were 26 have no idea what it's like to willing to compromise your own boundaries or even your own safety out of desperation and loneliness.
And predators are VERY good at targeting vulnerable women.
Jesus fucking Christ, all these stories about men flatly refusing to take no for an answer, and you still think it's the woman who's to blame for not being forceful enough?
I suggest certain posters google ACE scores. My ACE score is 10. Most of what you suggest women "simply" do is almost impossible for me and for the millions of other women who are repeat victims. I don't know whether any of that is true for the OP and yes if the OP is worried then maybe therapy to help learn how to enforce boundaries might be helpful. But it's not her fault or responsibility that there are so many men out there who don't understand consent.
The idea that only neurotypical women from good loving families who have been given the social skills and nurture to be able to develop healthy boundaries and the ability to enforce those boundaries deserve to have their consent and bodily autonomy respected, that women who can't do this are somehow weak or "asking for it", is sheer victim-blaming and it's disgusting.
Women should not have to fight off physically more powerful men who refuse to take no for an answer.
Purple Crocuses, this, thank you so much for sharing your experience and for putting this into words. Your whole comment entirely.
To add to your comment I would like to share a personal story that I feel is relevant and hopefully will aid understanding of what it’s like to be in this position - it is really not as simple as “just say no” and it is possible to attract similar types of people who take advantage.
(Just to let people know this may be triggering although not graphic).
As a woman from an abusive home who is now understanding that as a child, my boundaries were repeatedly violated by someone who was in a position of power and trust, while on the other hand being told to “just say no!” (additionally, my ACE score, while not as severe as 10 is a significant 5) - in my early twenties and prior to counselling, I was coerced into a sex act that I had said no to moments before and for various reasons, including shame, humiliation and feeling powerless I allowed it to continue. It happened a couple more times and due to having these poor boundaries and feeling lonely and isolated, I continued to date this person (“man” #1), although I eventually broke things off.
A couple of women in my circle who I had tried to explain what happened were very critical of me - even going as far as to insinuating that I had made it up (that I had not consented), because they knew that occasionally I still saw/had contact with him following the break-up. I had recently endured personal trauma and was isolated from family and the only people I knew, I worked with.
Straight after I was in another bad relationship which was on/off. At first he seemed nice although ill-tempered and I reluctantly consented to the sexual act that I still didn’t really want to do. A few weeks later, “man”#2 broke up with me and I saw “man”#1 in the capacity of friend.
“man”#2 found out that I’d seen him and jumped to conclusions. He’d also spoken to the women in our circle who mentioned that I was spending time with “man”#1 despite the fact I’d told them that he had raped me (they used the “r” word - I did not). After work, “man”#2 was vile and insulted me and insinuated that I was a liar as I tried to explain how alone I was and that I had no-one else to turn to due to our break-up and that I’d simply spent time with “man”#1 in the capacity of “friend” and that when I’d actually been with “man” #1, I’d told him I didn’t want to do the sexual act that he was pressurising me for and that he’d continued and he didn’t take me seriously when I said no (etc).
After insulting me further (details which I will not go into so as to not derail from the main point but let’s just say he was vile and entitled and coercive himself) he (“man” #2) said that he didn’t want me to be alone and having to spend time with “man” #1, being that I had no one else, he said I should come home with him that night.
I didn’t want to go home with him, and we were still broken-up, but for reasons partly between my people-pleasing and poor boundaries (and possibly other reasons - feeling alone and wanting human contact, etc) I went back to his place. “man” #2” took me upstairs and instead of regular sex, proceeded to carry out the sexual act that we had been discussing just twenty minutes before 😠 that I had said I had declined with “man” #1 who carried it out anyway....
The entitlement of some of these “men”!
I don’t have any contact with the four individuals now, but it makes me very angry to think that the two women probably remember and still consider me to be a liar despite my unresolved issues and trauma and being with horrible “men” the latter of which who definitely knew how vulnerable I was and knew what I’d been through the year before, trauma-wise. And that these “men” are probably still just as vile and entitled.
My current long-term partner was horrified when I told him this story - I am very thankful for him!
Enough of the victim-blaming - surely it’s only enabling this crap behaviour from (some) “men”.