To ask how you get over resentment at being the higher earning partner?

[Bluetoybox]

My husband is a wonderful, kind and very sweet man who treats me beautifully and is an incredible Daddy to our little girl. He's a good man... I want to preface this by acknowledging he is a good man and a good husband in all the ways that matter.
He is self employed and generally speaking, brings home half my bring home income but this can be erratic. He also has so many outgoings that in terms of actual
contributions to our family life, be pays his half of the joint account where mortgage and bills are paid for and that is it. I pay the other half, 100% of the full time childcare bill, all groceries, all bits for our baby and all savings contributions. I do earn a fair salary but not amazing so there's nothing left after that and we only save £200 a month at the moment. It's not worth him stopping work to stay with the baby because he covers his own bills as well which mean he does make more than our childcare bill which is only temporary of course but giving up his business would mean having nothing to go back to once we no longer need the childcare.
I've only just gone back to work and am finding it very hard now because all my friends (who earn less than me) can stay home with their babies or work part time because their partners earn more. In fact in my circle of friends, of all the people in relationships I am the only one who earns more that their partner. And everyone else seems to be able to afford a much nicer quality of life than we can and I find myself now that I'm at the stage of having to leave my baby to go back to work feeling really resentful.

Please can I ask how to move past this as I know comparison is the thief of joy, I know I am lucky to be able to have a good job and a loving family and everything else in life is good. So how can I move past this stupid jealousy of what others have?

@honeylulu I get this point, but success can’t be just about money. Job satisfaction is hugely important for well being and mental health. The fact that both op and her dh are doing what they love is a good thing, surely? Isn’t the point about what more he could do to support her emotionally? Increase his profitability and help her maybe go PT, or at least do more around the house?

Maybe I’ve missed the point here...

@thepeopleversuswork I think I must try delegating more

Already working on the next generation. Kids know how to cook and clean, just wish I didn’t have to nag everyone to do chores! (wishful thinking, maybe!)

“Are there any male views on here?”

Yep but I’m going to tread carefully as these threads have blown up in the past

Life as the main earner can be tough. The pressure of knowing you’re relied upon to pay the bills, coupled with the fact you miss out on loads of time with your kids can mean men (usually the ones in this position) can feel resentful sometimes. It can feel like you’re working your arse off and the other parent is kicking back, being at home, part time, or even maybe just in a less pressured job and it can feel unfair

On here, male higher earners should always pay more to the bills (correct), however any expectation that the mother “step up” financially never goes down well. A man earning less is indulging himslelf, has a hobby, is lazy, should do more. A woman earning less is disadvantaged by mat leave (maybe true), making time for her family, and it’s fine.

I understand OPs feelings. But taking this as if it were the other way round, your DP is fine to pursue whatever career he wants, even if it pays less. He should pay less in to the bills as a result.

I’ve not been the lower earner, but I’ve felt the pressure of being the main one, and the sole one. Both sides think the other has it better

Personally I would just be happy that I was in a position that o could pay for those things. All my friends work part time, even the single ones. I work full time around d 50 hours a week, and for a while I was the higher earner. It didn't bother me. I was glad I had the money.
If you can't get over it, separate from your partner and go find someone who earns more than you and is willing to support you 🤷‍♀️ what else I'd there to do?

@honeylulu

The OP is indulging his job choice, whether she wants to admit or not

I also agree with this. It would be one thing if he was doing a low paid but vocational job like nursing but it sounds like the husband here is pissing around doing a hobby job because he enjoys it and can't even be arsed to deal with the overheads properly so that he earns less than minimum wage.

So a lower paid man is being indulged but a lower paid woman has a vocation?

@Snorkello

I agree with you. Yes great do a job you love if possible ... but as you also observe that's selfish if it's at the expense of your partner's happiness and mental health (which here is intrinsically caught up in her bearing an unfair share of the financial burden).

Whilst it's very true that money isn't the most important thing (or rather it shouldn't be) it can't be denied that it IS important. Money struggles are often a root cause of poor mental health. We shouldn't underestimate the importance of earning sufficiently to support the family being part of the equation.

“Both sides think the other has it better...”

Not necessarily. I depends on the couple surely and what motivates them. My DH wouldn’t have had the patience to SAH and he freely admits this. I would have hated to have not had the opportunity to SAH. So I respect the fact DH has made it easy for me to be there for my kids because I really value that time. He respects the fact he’s been pretty much free to do what he feels he needs to do work-wise / financially because this is important to his self-identity and he gets a lot out of it. It works precisely because both of us feel we have the better deal

your husband has an income. count yourself lucky.

@BillMasen

So a lower paid man is being indulged but a lower paid woman has a vocation?

No absolutely not! Men can be nurses too didn't you know? (Lighthearted teasing, I'm not snarking at you.)

I'm female and the main earner in our household (partner in law firm). That's fine by me. My husband (accountant) earns less . He would LOVE to go and do a self employed Forestry job but I'd feel like I was subsidising him to have a hobby. He would feel the same the other way round. Before we had children he made quite clear that he was happy with the idea of sharing all aspects of bringing up a child but he did not want to financially support another adult after maternity leave so when we did have kids I went back full time. Wouldn't suit everyone but we knew what the deal was before we went ahead.

Vocations ... well I could get myself into hot water here because some might say forestry is a vocation/essential work but to me it's not in the same ball park as nursing/ caring/ teaching. All of which I'd feel happier about my husband switching to if he suggested it (he hasn't) because I'd feel like whilst I'd subsidise him financially he would be making a vital contribution to society as a whole from which I and the children also benefit. So no, I don't think women are "allowed" vocations and men aren't.

Hmm well... The jealousy of sahms is a case of the grass being greener, in my experience. I have up a 150k job to stay at home with our children. Biggest mistake. I missed them so much and felt like I was doing the wrong thing
The fact is I'm far more suited to working at a PC and managing teams than I am to washing, cleaning, cooking, stopping them squabble, being patient with the endless mess. Once they're at school staying at home is just a bit shit and also reduces a lot of options we had on two high incomes. It's fine, but it makes me feel like an idiot for working my arse off for 20 years and giving it all up for some fucking pipe dream of domestic bliss.

I earn more than double what my DH earns. The disparity is only likely to increase as I am younger and my job pays a lot more. It is what it is.

My DH puts me and our DC first, he is a fantastic dad and does at least half if not more than half of the childcare and housework. He is kind and decent. I genuinely have no resentment at all. You cannot cherry pick the bits you fancy from other people's lives but keep the bits of your own you want. You cannot say you want your lovely kind, caring husband and is a great dad who loves his job but you also want him to be an ambitious go getter who earns mega bucks. That just doesn't work.

We manage our finances by adding up all fixed outgoing (both joint and individual) so mortgage, bills, car, childcare, food budget, children's expenses, fuel etc. From there we work backward and we each pay in an amount that leaves us with the same amount of "spending money" each which is ours for clothes, haircuts, treats etc. We have both individual accounts and a joint account. On payday we each pay our share of joint costs into the joint account (I obviously pay a lot more, more than twice what DH pays in), spending money remains in our own accounts.

I work a 4 day week and so does my DH. Can you sit down and see if both dropping a day and saving on childcare is feasible? Is there anything you can do to work towards it?

I honestly think things are pretty good although you might want to fine tune how you deal with your finances so it's all a bit more straightforward (and get your DH an accountant!!)

There was some clause or another however that meant he had to 'sell' the car to keep it

This is very odd indeed. What happens to people who don’t have a convenient partner to “buy” the vehicle?

You could be a sleeping partner with one share in his business and “your” vehicle would be a legitimate business expense - which it is anyway. Or his business could own it. You’re literally handing HMRC nearly £100 a month unnecessarily. You need a decent accountant.

I had to go back to work early last year from mat leave as I unexpectedly became the higher earner (by a significant amount) as DH gave up his high paying job to retrain as a teacher and work as an LSA while doing so (who are shockingly underpaid!)
Our whole lives have been overhauled but DH never felt any resentment to me when he was the higher earner and I genuinely don't feel it to him. Of course I'd much rather be home with DD, I've managed to compress my week into four days but I work in the evening and from home and that's not sustainable forever. But money was pooled before this happened so we just both adjusted to our change in circumstances.
One day he will earn more and we will enjoy a different lifestyle but until then we just have to plod through it.

Can you make some changes to your working arrangement so you get more time with DD, and raise the household chores? I will admit I do most of it because I'm home more so it's easy to sort washing etc in your lunch break; but he doesn't shy away from it and he is absolutely the best daddy - DD adores him so I don't really mind so much about doing more chores

A Band 6 nurse with 10 years experience would be earning double what the OPs husband appears to earn.

Nursing is not that low paid a job. And the sifts would make it possible for the OP to work fewer days herself.

I’m the higher earner. My partner farms so it’s constant boom and bust. Big cheques from market, big expenses. He works very hard farming two family farms but doesn’t see all of the profits as they get shared among the family, which I feel is unfair on him but if his income doesn’t contribute towards his family’s mortgage, they won’t be able to pay it. It won’t be forever.

I don’t resent being the higher earner though. He easily works as hard as I do, so it’s not as if he’s a shirker. When we have kids he’ll be more flexible than me regarding childcare (and we will start to see some advantages of him working on the family farm because there will be grandparents etc available to look after kids at short notice if he needs both hands to do a job) so we won’t have to spend a fortune on nursery etc. And he is very supportive of me in terms of practicalities, both in and out of the house. He cooks, cleans, helps with my horses, fixes things, throws great parties etc etc. I never feel he’s not pulling his weight, it’s just that he brings in less money. I’d say we spend on joint things proportionally to our incomes. And I never feel that I dont have enough of anything.

One of my friends has a massive problem with it. Always on at me to make him earn more money as she thinks I won’t be happy unless he does. But I am happy. The irony is that she, earning less than her partner and having a lot of free time, is much less happy than me. Her partner offers very little apart from a steady wage from his boring job. Never cooks, cleans, fixes things or goes anywhere. Doesn’t even contribute any kind of social life because nobody likes him much so he doesn’t bring nice friends round.

You can fixate on inequalities if you want to, but if there is balance overall it doesn’t matter if one person does more of one thing than another.

@BillMasen thank you for braving the masses and posting here. This is how I feel sometimes, but it took me a while to realise men must feel this too when the roles are reversed. The pressure of working ridiculous hours to support ones family is immense. Throw in inequality in the home life, missing time with the family etc. and it leads to resentment on both sides.

For me and my Dh, we are just struggling to establish new boundaries and roles post dc3. We both want jobs we love, time with the kids, sufficient income etc. But doesn’t everyone?

I think some of the financial advice on here is really good too. Thanks for the post OP. I’m glad to see I’m not alone.

@honeylulu
All of which I'd feel happier about my husband switching to if he suggested it (he hasn't) because I'd feel like whilst I'd subsidise him financially he would be making a vital contribution to society as a whole from which I and the children also benefit

Virtually all jobs are vital and serving society in some way or another. Otherwise people wouldn’t be forking out 1000s a year for someone to perform them!

@Cam77

Love this comment! As a lawyer I'm used to being referred to as a fatcat/shark etc. I'm delighted to be considered vital!

I don’t think you’re resentful you’re the higher earner per se - you’re resentful you can’t work PT/be a SAHM which whilst connected isn’t quite the same thing.

BillMasen

I would actually agree with you that a woman who can should step up. There will always be periods where its harder, such as with very young children close in age. And in some scenarios there's no choice.

But all things being equal I don't think its great for the relationship or the family to have a dynamic where one partner is solely responsible for earning and the other is solely responsible for domestic stuff. It makes everything precarious, skewed and uneven.

I also think a woman who plans to spend an entire lifetime dependent on a man is putting herself in a very vulnerable position and asking a lot of the man.

But you haven't answered the question about men stepping up domestically though. Why do you think domestic work is still overwhelmingly seen as "women's work" even in a household where both parents work?

That's the real killer for me.

I have been the higher earner in our relationship since we go together, though the gap increased over time, given how I progressed my career. One size does not fit everywhere, but my counsel would be to always have largely joint bank accounts. The money that is in there has always been managed as ours rather than hers or his money. If you think about everything being separate then your resentment might well increase. My DH has always been very supportive and it does sound like yours is to OP. Some of my friends were able to spend time at home with their kids when they were young and this is a nice choice to have, but experience taught me never to rely on a man. For some of my peer group when a marriage failed and the women did not work, the consequences were harsher. Frequently the husband would contribute the minimum they could. often funding a new relationship and new children. Leaving the ex reliant on benefits or jobs they would not have taken had they not stopped working.

There are lots of things going on with these scenarios.

Ultimately a great many families would prefer if they had a higher income so that it would be easy to make the choices they want around things like staying home with young kids! Most of us don't have the luxury of having no barriers around our choices. Some people have very little at all, they both must work and maybe at jobs they don't like, with little prospect of change. Others an make it work to have fewer hours or a SAHP, but with less income for other things.

And often both partners in the marriage won't have exactly the same roles and may feel that their lot is better or worse one. Even when people are basically satisfied with both working, or sharing pt care, or one staying home, it's pretty common at times to feel dissatisfied or like it would be nice to have a change or are getting the short end of the stick, or it would be nice to have more income, or more time.

Even the question of sharing housework and childcare isn't always simple, as someone who works longer hours or has a commute or has shift work etc may not be able to contribute in the same was as someone with different constraints. And, much as people may not like it, that does not always correspond to the person making the least money will be able to do the most housework.

I do often think there is an interesting sort of classism that comes out in these threads, where it becomes evident that many people really do not, when incomes down to brass tacks, want to be married to someone who is in a different class of employment from themselves. You can almost picture a mother from a Jane Austen novel complaining that a prospective spouse doesn't bring as much to the marriage.

@thepeopleversuswork

BillMasen

I would actually agree with you that a woman who can should step up. There will always be periods where its harder, such as with very young children close in age. And in some scenarios there's no choice.

But all things being equal I don't think its great for the relationship or the family to have a dynamic where one partner is solely responsible for earning and the other is solely responsible for domestic stuff. It makes everything precarious, skewed and uneven.

I also think a woman who plans to spend an entire lifetime dependent on a man is putting herself in a very vulnerable position and asking a lot of the man.

But you haven't answered the question about men stepping up domestically though. Why do you think domestic work is still overwhelmingly seen as "women's work" even in a household where both parents work?

That's the real killer for me.

Interesting. I wasn’t avoiding it, just that it’s a tangent to the original point, albeit an interesting one

Sometimes the part time worker or sahp takes on more, that’s fine and right. If both are working the same hours both pick up the same at home, also fine and right.

I can’t answer why some men where their partners also work, don’t step up and do their fair share. Possibly connected to the original point, it can be hard if you’re working long hours and your partner is at home, to not feel grumpy that you need to follow up a days work with an evening cleaning. Not saying it’s right, just understandable.

[quote Cam77]@honeylulu
All of which I'd feel happier about my husband switching to if he suggested it (he hasn't) because I'd feel like whilst I'd subsidise him financially he would be making a vital contribution to society as a whole from which I and the children also benefit

Virtually all jobs are vital and serving society in some way or another. Otherwise people wouldn’t be forking out 1000s a year for someone to perform them![/quote]
Yeah, I wouldn't describe forestry as unimportant work!

Obviously at some point a family might reconsider a job or business that isn't bringing in enough income. But it kind of goes without saying that not all work will pay the same.

This is very confusing to be honest, his £500 car payment is a business expense, so presumably doesn't come out of the household pot, but the business one. If his £1150 a month income is before expenses like the £500 payment, fuel to work, phone, insurance tools etc it's not a business, it's a hobby at this point in time and I can see why you'd be pissed off as all his 'income' is basically propping up the business and not contributing significantly to family finances. He either needs to find a way to up the income in the business and fast, take on a second job, or you need to make your peace with him earning well under minimum wage. I still don't understand how the pick up costs that much either, I've got 4 (that sounds ridiculously flash, but they're all in my company and used by employees) and we've never paid more than £180-240 a month over 5 years, no balloon payment at the end, but we also always buy them 6-12 months old and put down around £3000 deposit. So to still be paying that much on a 7 year old one seems a lot unless he only bought it 5 year old and is trying to pay off the loan in 2 years for example. What's done is done with it, it won't be worth selling it if he needs it and if he has a Ltd company it will be a massive tax benefit.

If however the £1150 a month is his gross income, genuinely all family money, business expenses are separately accounted for before this hits your account, then I'd be glad you've got someone you get along with so well, even if he is a low earner, but look for ways to diversify or expand the business. I can recommend a few courses which currently are fully funded (I'm not affiliated, just they helped me early on in my business to make the jump from basically a one man band hobby income to 3 years later having 20 staff and largely able to set my own salary as I want it, lockdown not withstanding!) if you want to drop me a pm I'd be happy to talk with you about the business development aspects to see if there is any way to use tax more efficiently, or how to take the next step there.