To ask how you get over resentment at being the higher earning partner?

[Bluetoybox]

My husband is a wonderful, kind and very sweet man who treats me beautifully and is an incredible Daddy to our little girl. He's a good man... I want to preface this by acknowledging he is a good man and a good husband in all the ways that matter.
He is self employed and generally speaking, brings home half my bring home income but this can be erratic. He also has so many outgoings that in terms of actual
contributions to our family life, be pays his half of the joint account where mortgage and bills are paid for and that is it. I pay the other half, 100% of the full time childcare bill, all groceries, all bits for our baby and all savings contributions. I do earn a fair salary but not amazing so there's nothing left after that and we only save £200 a month at the moment. It's not worth him stopping work to stay with the baby because he covers his own bills as well which mean he does make more than our childcare bill which is only temporary of course but giving up his business would mean having nothing to go back to once we no longer need the childcare.
I've only just gone back to work and am finding it very hard now because all my friends (who earn less than me) can stay home with their babies or work part time because their partners earn more. In fact in my circle of friends, of all the people in relationships I am the only one who earns more that their partner. And everyone else seems to be able to afford a much nicer quality of life than we can and I find myself now that I'm at the stage of having to leave my baby to go back to work feeling really resentful.

Please can I ask how to move past this as I know comparison is the thief of joy, I know I am lucky to be able to have a good job and a loving family and everything else in life is good. So how can I move past this stupid jealousy of what others have?

Short answer - I don't have any resentment (another higher earning partner here) because I strongly believe that we should live in a world where it's not unusual for the woman to be the higher earner, and in families that can afford for one parent to stop working or go part-time, it shouldn't default to being the mother who does that, just for financial reasons (plenty of women do this because it makes financial sense but would really rather not). I'm proud that we buck the trend and I really hope that by the time DD is grown, there won't be anything unusual about our situation.

To put it another way - do you think men who are the higher earner feel this same resentment? I suspect mostly not, because they expect to have children with someone who earns less than them.

[quote user1471462428]@Karmakarmachameleon hear, hear[/quote]
I completely agree with this. My DH is rubbish at life admin, forgets to pay bills, never booked a holiday, childcare, doctors, vets. He doesn’t have online banking and never checks how much money we have. I work FT in a demanding, male dominated job. I am jealous of my friends that work part time but we can’t afford it.

@thepeopleversuswork

SmokedDuck

"Most of these kinds of jobs work best when they are done by the same person all the time, or there is some logical system for who does what when, and often the pattern is set very early on in the relationship."

That's probably true, and its definitely true that it can't happen ad hoc. But its not equitable or sustainable to have one person do all these tasks all the time if that person is also working full time.

So its probably is a case of treating your home/childcare admin the way you'd treat your office admin, sitting down at the beginning of the month to plan things out etc. Systematise it. That's the only way I can see it changing really.

Yes, I think so. I don't even know if it has to be monthly, but at some point you really do need to get a good sense of all the jobs that go on in the household - bills, chores, childcare, appointment management, car care, home repair, whatever - and look at who does them and who manages them.

And them come up with some sort of division of labour that is reasonable on a more or less ongoing basis. Some things will be obvious - I'm not at all mechanical so that stuff typically goes to my spouse who is - and other things you might have to negotiate about. Especially if you have different ideas about what is required of the job.

It can always be modified but it really has to be managed as if it were a workplace.

Not read the thread but......it depends if you think he works hard. If he is self employed and doesn’t really put in any effort to earn more or work hard then yes, I’d be resentful. If he was a bit lazy in other words. If he worked his socks off but in a sector where he simply couldn’t earn any more than he does, then I wouldn’t be as bothered.

I wasn’t resentful in the beginning but have become so. But that is because my partner is not a loving partner towards me, he doesn’t pull his weight around the house and he isn’t very kind or considerate. He takes a lot more than he gives. He adores our child and is an excellent Dad but everything else is a bit rubbish. If he was good to me, I would be much happier supporting him. I would focus on the positives if you can. That you are in love with each other, he is a good husband and also that you have a solid career to be proud of. The grass always seems greener but you have a lot to be happy and satisfied with from the sounds of it.

It’s only reading your post OP that I’m reminded that I felt the same as you. I think it’s the transition when you first (have to) go back to work (assuming you don’t actually hate your job) - so many mixed emotions! But mainly heartache and tiredness! Is there any way in hell that you can make it 4 days a week? And put a bit of pressure on him to cut his outgoings/increase the income by sensitively explaining how you feel? I went back 4 days, and, although it’s bloody hard to start with, actually (in a non-covid world) pretty soon started loving it. Even the twice-weekly commute became cherished ‘alone time’!

Same here. I think it’s really something that neither of us is happy about...honestly, I don’t want to be the bread winner and my husband doesnt like the fact that’s he’s only bring half of what I earn. But the truth is that we are in different industries and his job is even harden than mine. I am trying not to overthink and we can pay off mortgages and costs every month, so it’s okay.

I think most women who are SAHMs are not doing it just because they are fortunate enough to have higher earning partners but because their own income is not enough for it to be worth it for them to go to work. They are unable to contribute financially as they have achieved less than you so they contribute in other ways. But they become dependent on those men and also become less and less employable as years go by.

Babies are small and cute for a short time only and you will soon have more headspace for yourself and you'll be glad to have your identity and independence intact.

The real problems are 1) your DH not pulling his weight around the house and 2)being irresponsible with finances (the car situation sounds like a fuck up on his part). Those do need sorting because you will resent him if you continue carrying both the financial and housework burdens. That's not ok.

Op I think this has been well covered off by most posters already.

Firstly, bottom out what is causing resentment and tackle it. Whilst the transition of moving from mat leave to work is stressful, the reality is that if you are the primary breadwinner, then he has to step up domestically. Not doing so is not an option.
That means carving up chores and making it super clear what he is in charge of, consistently, week in week out.

Second of all, try not to compare yourself to other families and households. It’s a complete black hole and this is a marathon, not a sprint. None of us know longer term how individual family set ups will play out in 10-15 years. It is a constant juggling act.

Finally? I understand the resentment and it’s why I’m saying please tackle it. I have just ended a serious relationship, I earned significantly more than my partner and whilst we never cohabited permanently, we had stints of him spending significant lengths of time in my home. Tester if you like. The money disparity didn’t bother me in the beginning, I had more so I was more generous; weekends away, nicer restaurants for dinner, indulgent presents for birthdays etc.
What started to bother me was the lack of effort he consistently bought to the table. If I had ridiculously stressful/ long weeks at work (but equally that job afforded him a slightly nicer lifestyle as a result), i expected him to both appreciate that and bring other things to the table: in the main, practical help. If he had done something as simple as saying ‘I can see doing xyz consumes some of your time each week, why don’t you let me take that on and take it off your plate’, it would have made the world of difference.

But he didn’t. I would work ridiculously hard, then come home and have chores to get done and he would be utterly content to essentially sit there and let me crack on. So in my mind he got the benefits of being with me but bought very little to the table himself. And what would have been worth it’s weight in gold would have been very real practical support domestically.

It wasn’t the only reason I called time on the relationship. But it was a significant factor. I can completely accept someone not earning what I do, but if they are happy to take and benefit as a result of my hard work - how is that being reciprocated?

Work on that with your DH. Because IME, if that resentment beds in it can become extremely corrosive in a relationship. Stress of young children in the mix makes it so much harder. Talk to your DH and ask him to step up.

If he earned more and you earned less would that be better. I thought liberated women wanted equality. Dont look at others with jealousy because everyone hides their problems. The grass is only greener next door cos its covered in shit

We put all our money together and it becomes our money for our house, our child and our food. It didn’t work when I wanted to go on holiday and he ‘couldn’t afford it’ so now we do stuff we can afford together or we don’t go.

@Darklava09

I agree with you OP. I could of wrote this and feel this way a lot.

I am the high earner as he started a new career which hasn’t planned out well. I to feel resentful when I miss all the school events, I don’t get to see my darling DS face when I pick him up, the walk back from school and little chats about his day whereas he gets to do that.

I get very agitated because he has the potential to earn more but won’t apply for anything, won’t ask for a pay rise and hasn’t committed to completing his exams which would give him a higher earning potential!

He does though do over half the chores, contributes to 50% of the bills, mortgage and food but then I’ve made it non negotiable. I do though pay for days out, meals, birthday and Christmas. It is a lot of stress because I’d like to just go part time to do the mom stuff and would like for him to surprise us with a holiday like I do for us but...

I do feel your pain

Not to be hoary, but he earns less and you make him pay 50%. Non negotiable.

I’ve seen that called financial abuse many many times when it’s the lower earning woman

Whenever there's a thread like this is becomes clear to me that we're unusual, but I've never understood why that's the case - DH and I are partners. We share a home, we share all the expenses, so why on earth do people add the headache of 'your income/expenses' and 'my income/expenses'? Both our salaries go into a joint account, all the bills come out of that account and we both buy anything extra we want from that same account. We have no money that's separate.

If either of us want to buy something a bit bigger or more expensive than usual (heading into the hundreds of pounds), we talk about it and come to a decision together. But otherwise, we both have free reign to spend what we like as long as the money is in the account and the bills paid.

This has worked back when we didn't have much and had to budget carefully, it worked when I was a SAHM and not earning, and still works now when we're lucky enough to have some disposable income.

DH earns twice as much as me, which annoys me only in that I'm more qualified than him! But that's down to the industries we chose. I probably spend more than DH, but it would never occur to him to get annoyed that I'm spending 'his' money because all of it is ours.

On the other hand, the unfair distribution of time, chores and parental responsibility is a different kettle of fish. If you both work full time, you should be splitting all the chores, the cooking, the childminding and the life admin equally. There will only ever be huge resentment otherwise. Men who don't pull their weight around the house are not destined for a long and happy marriage.

What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine

It’s hard not feel that you’re not a very nice person, people all over the country are in this position. Does he work hard? Does he work the same hours as you? This is the life you chose, by all means sit down and budget. Maybe encourage him to rethink his career. But you’re resentment is pretty horrible. You’re not on a moral
High ground because you ‘earn more’. You’re in a partnership. I suggest consulting that partnership before you come to a bunch of strangers on mumsnet.

Maybe change your thinking to focus on ur achievements. Be proud to be supporting ur family. Be proud to be a sucessful positive role model to your children. Be proud you are helping to create a more equal world where its expected that women can be high earners and that's not unusual.

@BillMasen I’m sorry it’s not financial abuse at all. Please read up on what financial abuse is first.

If you read my comment he actually has the ability to improve his financial circumstances but chooses not to! Now if I was financially abusing him I would be stopping his ability to earn higher or setting him a budget and controlling his finances. He is left with money each month. Yes not as much as me but to say I pay for everything else it does balance its self out.

&& actually it’s a mutual agreement one that we have always had jointly. He wouldn’t want to pay less.

Equally, I guess due to my upbringing I like to protect my assets and have enough money so I can support myself and DS encase anything ever happened between us. I’ve seen many women be forced into not working, giving up a house and having nothing to their name for their other halves to either up and leave them right in the shit. So yeah each to their own.

I was in the situation. It sounds like you're not back at work yet. The worry about leaving my baby was much worse than the reality.I literally wasted months of maternity leave worrying about it, and I'd encourage you to put that worry out of your mind until you actually have to go back.

I felt so so resentful of my husband when I had my baby, I suddenly hated that he wasn't a high earner and couldn't 'look after' me. I didn't care about the independence I'd worked hard for I just wanted to be with my baby! I realised after a while though that I didn't resent my husband, I resented the situation I was in that meant I didn't have the choice to stay at home with my baby. Made worse when it seemed 'all' my new mum friends were able to make that choice. In reality many of them didn't really have a choice either, it was a financial decision because wages wouldn't have covered childcare fees.

Once back at work resentment subsided as I realised it wasn't as bad as I'd imagined, but I also found it helped to make a plan which would eventually mean I could afford to reduce my hours.

Housework was a real issue here too, I hated that I was responsible for more than my fair share of not only the household finances but also the cleaning. We have recently hired a cleaner and initially it felt like a huge luxury but the difference it makes to how fair I feel our arrangement is is huge. I don't have to feel like I'm nagging someone to clean, I don't feel like I'm spending time cleaning instead of playing with my children, we both get to spend our non work time focusing on the children. Well worth it if there's a way to make room in th budget.

Why don't you sit down and put in place a 3-5 year plan to layout what you'd like to change?

I out-earn my DH, but only because we have taken turns to ramp up our careers, he used to out earn me when the DS were small, he traveled so much, loved his job and earnt lots, but with him being away I picked up the slack.

So we agreed 5 years he gets the career boost, then it's my turn, I spend the 5 years starting my business juggling, and then he took a local role less travel and put in a steady income to allow me to take risks and employ staff and grow.

Fast forward 10 years and now we both have good joint incomes, financial independence and I'm talking about taking a year out.

You just need to do some planning and set out what you'd love to achieve together.

Even with all of the above, I've still managed to stack some resentment that I pick up the tab for so much more!!

I think the main thing is ensuring equality with division of labour (both paid and unpaid). For example, you both should roughly have the same amount of spare time left after paid/unpaid work is done.
All money should be family money and all financial decisions should be family decisions.
Anyone feeling hard done by in terms of spare time or spare money will feel usually resentful.

@winniestone37 and every thought in your head is pure and good is it? You're a real life Cinderella for how kind you are? Not once in my post or anything I've said have I said anything bad about my husband. The post was about how can I get over my own feelings of resentment. This is my issue, not my husband's. Where have I said I want him to work every hour God sends so I can sit back at home all day doing bugger all? Because yes, that would be pretty horrible! But instead I'm horrible because after a year at home (quite literally thanks to Covid) spending no time at all away from my baby to suddenly being away 5 days a week from her is quite difficult for me to come to terms with? I know my feelings of resentment are not fair which is why I haven't engaged with the many other posts that have criticized my husband's income quite happily in response to me saying that I'm fine with the set up we have. It's just this transition that I am struggling with and the fact that I have no choice in it when others around me can. I haven't asked for budgeting advice or how I can manipulate my husband into earning more, I asked what I can do to address my feelings. So get off your moral high horse because you never have a single thought that you're not proud of right!

@Aceray Thank you. This is exactly how I feel, you have summed it up perfectly for me as I know others have to who have said similar.

I started back at work the end of last week and I do genuinely love my job and in that aspect I'm happy to be back; but I just miss my baby and am still getting used to it. Hopefully things will just get easier as we all get more used to the set up.

The first few weeks are really hard, it will get easier

DH earns less than me and has his own business. It's always been that way and my kids are teens now.

I actually like my job though so I never wanted to give it up. I'd have rather he gave up his and saved us the childcare money but he likes his job too so I could never ask him to do that. I knew what his job and earning potential was when I married him after all.
If I had wanted to be a SAHP or be financially 'looked after' I guess I would have married someone else.
In fact I did not want to marry a high earning man who would pressure me to give up work to support his high flying career. I look at people in that situation and I do not envy them. I prefer we are more equal.

I think the way you feel is temporary so try to look to the future. Children grow up. Childcare expenses are only for a few years. Those who give up work now may find they can't so easily get back to work. If you have only one income and that person loses their job that is very scary and lots of people will be losing their jobs post Covid sadly. Lots of men seem to wind up resenting SAHPs after the kids grow up a bit. Divorce rates are very high. I've always been glad I have my independence.
There's always advantages and disadvantages to every situation.

I do sympathise though. I cried every day that I left my DC with the childminder for at least a week when they were babies but gradually we both got used to it and after not too long they were happy to go (DD used to reach out her arms to go to childminder's DH. She really loved him) and I was happy to leave them. They played with other DC and did things we didn't do at home.
DS loved CM's older boys and we still keep in touch a bit now (6 years later)
You will find some positives