To ask how you get over resentment at being the higher earning partner?

[Bluetoybox]

My husband is a wonderful, kind and very sweet man who treats me beautifully and is an incredible Daddy to our little girl. He's a good man... I want to preface this by acknowledging he is a good man and a good husband in all the ways that matter.
He is self employed and generally speaking, brings home half my bring home income but this can be erratic. He also has so many outgoings that in terms of actual
contributions to our family life, be pays his half of the joint account where mortgage and bills are paid for and that is it. I pay the other half, 100% of the full time childcare bill, all groceries, all bits for our baby and all savings contributions. I do earn a fair salary but not amazing so there's nothing left after that and we only save £200 a month at the moment. It's not worth him stopping work to stay with the baby because he covers his own bills as well which mean he does make more than our childcare bill which is only temporary of course but giving up his business would mean having nothing to go back to once we no longer need the childcare.
I've only just gone back to work and am finding it very hard now because all my friends (who earn less than me) can stay home with their babies or work part time because their partners earn more. In fact in my circle of friends, of all the people in relationships I am the only one who earns more that their partner. And everyone else seems to be able to afford a much nicer quality of life than we can and I find myself now that I'm at the stage of having to leave my baby to go back to work feeling really resentful.

Please can I ask how to move past this as I know comparison is the thief of joy, I know I am lucky to be able to have a good job and a loving family and everything else in life is good. So how can I move past this stupid jealousy of what others have?

What I've learnt from a couple of posters in this thread (not OP) is that some women expect to be 'kept' in the same way that many men still see cooking, cleaning etc as 'women's work'.

I work in a male-dominated field with a majority of my colleagues being in their 20s and 30s. Most of them look with disdain upon marriage because the fundamental belief is that not only is the system stacked against dads who want to be with their children, but that women are also gold-diggers or 'thots' whose life goal is to be SAHMs who will then take their children and money away should things ever go south.

I resent it, but I get it to an extent. Why should men be expected to leave their kids so soon after they're born to go to work? Are mothers more important than fathers?

In an ideal world there shouldn't be any resentment but humans aren't perfect and unfortunately there's always one party that will be getting the short shaft in a relationship. The question though, is by how much?

Beware Op,the grass is not always greener.
Our lives can change in an instant.
Many,many people would love to be in your position,count your blessings.
Remember our thoughts go out into the universe and these thoughts you are having can bring around change but you might not like it and wish you could return to what you are blessed with now.

I'm nearing the end of my mat leave and earn more than my partner. He is self employed and works long hours. The business does have growth potential and he is good with money, has savings etc. I'm going back to work 4 days a week, work wouldnt allow me 3 days. And also gutted about missing my baby.

However my boy is going to go to a lovely nursery and it's by a farmers field. He will be going on forest walks and watching things grow, looking at bugs etc. He will be meeting lots of new friends and doing lots of different activities, more than I could probably give him at home. Some days I'm bored. I wonder if he is bored especially as he gets older. And I hope that he will get loads out of nursery.

My point being that your mum friends at home might be bored some days, struggling to entertain active toddlers, stuck on groundhog day. This is what I tell myself so hope ot helps you.

You’re understandably missing being at home with your baby.is There anyway you can negotiate flexible hours or part time for a period while your baby is young? It’s a special time, a one-off time and you shouldnt have to miss out. You also need time to treat yourself for all the success and contribution you’re making from your hard work, you are not obligeD to earn more than your partner just because you can. You both have a shared responsibility. Maybe when the car loan is up you could reduce your hours or doflexitime or take unpaid leave for a bit here and there. You could discuss with him how much you are missing your baby and want to spend more time at home. This would prepare the ground work for him accepting that once the car loan is paid he can use the money to step up and share household and childcare expenses more equitably, thereby giving you the opportunity to rebalance your life and increase your happiness overall. You have every right to use your higher salary and hard work to meet your personal needs.

Not RTFT OP but I have been the higher earner during the majority of our marriage, with only about two years where my DH has earned more. I have felt like you do - feeling that other women have a better lifestyle than I do because their husbands earn a lot. But as a pp said at the very outset, comparison is the theft of joy and you've got to decide if money and "things" are more important than a happy relationship. If they are, then you leave and find a richer husband. But I'd be careful what you wish for.

@Karmakarmachameleon

Thanks. I'm not talking primarily about a situation where one parent is working out of the home and one is not working. I'm talking about situations where both partners work and one partner (almost always the woman) is doing the lion's share of the domestic work. In my non-scientific experience the huge majority of this work in the overwhelming majority of relationships is still being done by women.

Because, and without wanting to finger point (because credit is due to you for engaging on this) or sound like an angry feminist, this is the real battleground for us and the real source of resentment.

This is the one thing which in my experience men just aren't engaging with. It's the source of a lot of marital disharmony, the source of a lot of resentment, of dead sex lives and the limitation of a lot of women's otherwise promising careers.

This has been the case in my marriage, and many others I know.

I bring home more than 50% of the money but also do more than 50% of the childcare, 50% of the life admin and 50% of the housework. My husband was very keen for me to go back to work FT after having children because he didn’t want to be any poorer (and didn’t want the stress of being the main breadwinner). And although I did really want to work FT after having children for many reasons (financial independence, pension, standard of living, security) it’s hard when I miss my child and feel like both a wage slave and a domestic slave - I often find myself thinking it would be much easier just to be a domestic slave, at least I’d only have one job and I wouldn’t miss my son.

In this sense, I think feminism has been a huge win for a lot of men. They’ve had the burden of being the primary wage earner taken off their shoulders, while women have just had money making added to their list of responsibilities.

@Karmakarmachameleon- this is the truth of the matter. I definitely think that feminism has been a huge win for men.

I'd love a good man. Count your blessings.

@Karmakarmachameleon
I couldn’t agree more. Even with a caring and ‘helpful’ DH, having to take the lions share of childcare for three under 5s, domesticity, plus the responsibility of organising family life, all whilst working full time in a career job with further responsibilities for others, I was on cloud nine for six months after taking a career break and getting to do things like collect my children from school and spend quality time with them without feeling constantly stressed and exhausted. In such a set up, the role of ‘Superwoman’ is a mugs game and I’m hugely thankful I was able to relinquish the role. It made things quite tight financially at first though also created an incentive for DH to increase his efforts to develop his career which ended up making us better off financially. And after the break, part time work on a well paid senior role salary gave me a much healthier work life balance. I hope you can get what you need from your situation. You absolutely deserve it.

If your working more hours, he should do more at home. Its not the money earned its the hours your at home surly. That way when you do get home, you can spend quality time with your baby. The car will be paid off soon, so invest in a cleaner twice a week. You will rarely get a man to do the chores as you would like. Or is that just me 🤣

Lampzade

"feminism has been a huge win for men".

Well, partly, but only because its not being done properly.

Feminism is supposed to entail equal (or as far as possible) division of roles and responsibilities.

The problem is we've only got half feminism. Women have stepped up economically. Men haven't stepped up domestically. So the picture is massively unbalanced.

I don't see that as a reason to think feminism has failed, its a reason to step on the gas and make sure feminism actually delivers. By holding men's feet to the fire and make them understand that having an economically productive wife or partner comes with a commensurate responsibility to take a greater share of domestic/childcare/admin. Not just "helping", but becoming properly involved.

@Ddot

I'd love a good man. Count your blessings.

Raise the bar.

Maybe it's a generation thing but like @SpeakingFranglais every penny of our earnings, inheritances, bonuses, etc for the past 30+ years has gone into joint accounts and has been spent on whatever expenses we've incurred or things we've agreed to buy. I've always earned several times more then DH but I just saw that as our joint good fortune. My earnings have often come at a cost such as working long hours or working away but DH has pulled his weight to support me. I wouldn't want the extra mental load of trying to keep track of who's paid for what. It does mean there are few surprises when it comes to buying each other gifts though.

I'll ask my other half...He earns good money and my salary was so low that it didn't seem worth working, so I don't, he doesn't seem to mind.

@thepeopleversuswork

Lampzade

"feminism has been a huge win for men".

Well, partly, but only because its not being done properly.

Feminism is supposed to entail equal (or as far as possible) division of roles and responsibilities.

The problem is we've only got half feminism. Women have stepped up economically. Men haven't stepped up domestically. So the picture is massively unbalanced.

I don't see that as a reason to think feminism has failed, its a reason to step on the gas and make sure feminism actually delivers. By holding men's feet to the fire and make them understand that having an economically productive wife or partner comes with a commensurate responsibility to take a greater share of domestic/childcare/admin. Not just "helping", but becoming properly involved.

Yup, this. You don't hear it quite so much now but when women started to move out of the home and into the office, there was a lot of talk about women wanting to 'have it all' but ending up exhausted and miserable.

Well, no, the problem was not women wanting to 'have it all', the problem is women being expected to do it all - the full-time job plus all the domestic responsibility.

@thepeopleversuswork

Lampzade

"feminism has been a huge win for men".

Well, partly, but only because its not being done properly.

Feminism is supposed to entail equal (or as far as possible) division of roles and responsibilities.

The problem is we've only got half feminism. Women have stepped up economically. Men haven't stepped up domestically. So the picture is massively unbalanced.

I don't see that as a reason to think feminism has failed, its a reason to step on the gas and make sure feminism actually delivers. By holding men's feet to the fire and make them understand that having an economically productive wife or partner comes with a commensurate responsibility to take a greater share of domestic/childcare/admin. Not just "helping", but becoming properly involved.

Hear hear.

Just caught up on this thread and I’ve seen some harsh comments to you OP.

Please ignore this. It’s called Transference and it’s not about you. If someone has a problem with you, remember it’s THEIR problem, not yours.

I hope you’re okay. Did you have a think about going back 4 days?

@thepeopleversuswork I think you’re my new hero. Couldn’t say it any better.

This seems more about the leaving the baby element, than the husband/earnings element.
Is there a workable option for you to work less and pay less childcare and still manage for a couple of years?? If so, do that.

I am in your husbands position in that I am self-employed, pay all my own bills (car, phone, clothes etc) and a portion of the bills and he pays all the childcare and extras like work on the house, holidays etc. and would hate to think he was resenting me for earning less!

(that said he works away large chunks of the year, so I am doing all the household work and raising 2 toddlers mostly alone, so if he said something along those lines, i might punch him in the face! lol)