To ask how you get over resentment at being the higher earning partner?

[Bluetoybox]

My husband is a wonderful, kind and very sweet man who treats me beautifully and is an incredible Daddy to our little girl. He's a good man... I want to preface this by acknowledging he is a good man and a good husband in all the ways that matter.
He is self employed and generally speaking, brings home half my bring home income but this can be erratic. He also has so many outgoings that in terms of actual
contributions to our family life, be pays his half of the joint account where mortgage and bills are paid for and that is it. I pay the other half, 100% of the full time childcare bill, all groceries, all bits for our baby and all savings contributions. I do earn a fair salary but not amazing so there's nothing left after that and we only save £200 a month at the moment. It's not worth him stopping work to stay with the baby because he covers his own bills as well which mean he does make more than our childcare bill which is only temporary of course but giving up his business would mean having nothing to go back to once we no longer need the childcare.
I've only just gone back to work and am finding it very hard now because all my friends (who earn less than me) can stay home with their babies or work part time because their partners earn more. In fact in my circle of friends, of all the people in relationships I am the only one who earns more that their partner. And everyone else seems to be able to afford a much nicer quality of life than we can and I find myself now that I'm at the stage of having to leave my baby to go back to work feeling really resentful.

Please can I ask how to move past this as I know comparison is the thief of joy, I know I am lucky to be able to have a good job and a loving family and everything else in life is good. So how can I move past this stupid jealousy of what others have?

The car is complicated. Yes, it is a business expense but what happened was he had it on a car finance plan which he then needed to save for a balloon payment at the end which he didn't do so he then had to take a loan to cover the balloon payment in order to keep the car. There was some clause or another however that meant he had to 'sell' the car to keep it and to get around that he 'sold' it to me as an employee (technically I do help him input his tax accounts into the spreadsheet).but anyway, what we didn't think of was that it means the balloon payment is no longer tax deductible because I'm not actually employed by him and whilst we were comfortable to lie to the car people for that we are not going to lie to the government about it so no, the car is not tax deductible sadly. Poor management all round really.

I can relate to much of your post. Over the years I have often been the higher earner and always the one with more steady job. Although I have sometimes done that job part time. Advantages are that there can be no discussion about sick days, assembelies drop offs and pick up- he will need to do at least 50%. I have found that there is more flexibility day to day when working fulltime as you escape the "she's only in 3 days anyway" attitiude. Obviously your career will progress more quickly than if you were part-time and also pension contributions will be higher.

On a practical level any chance of doing 5 days in 4 or 4.5 (every other wednesday off)?and if all else fails there is the nuclear option of a second maternity leave to give yoirself more time with DC1.

Very briefly...

You've probably known his earning potential for a long time.

It's tough when you miss your baby.

We're in a similar situation but many years down the road from you.

It's about equality of effort for us. And yes, that comes down to emptying the bins and sorting the laundry too.

The difficulty for me was that we were trapped in a too- small house for a long time, but that's sorted now.

We started with nothing so we have complete joint finances and discuss any significant purchases.

If this wouldn't work for you, then have your own / shared money, but reevaluate how things are spent.

Good luck, it's not easy, especially in the early years of parenthood. But it's a marathon not a sprint and you're doing the right thing for the future.

I understand where you’re coming from; when I was on maternity leave I had to manage on my maternity pay and savings and pay half of everything which I knew would be the case as DH didn’t have the extra at that time and then I was surrounded by other mums whose husbands were contributing far more and they could afford far more classes etc.
I think often peoples finances are not what they seem and there’s a lot to be said for keeping your financial independence in terms of working

May be good to have converstaion with him about how hard youre finding it going back full time, and you would like to drop down to 4 days a week (I dont know of this would even be possible in your work), so how can you work towards this together?
or am i missing the point op, you would like to know how not to feel resentment, not solutions?

in which caae i totally sympathise, going back after a baby is always going to be hard. Some families are just luckier funancially, earn more, make different choices, borrow etc i guess....

Why do you view it as him paying his half of the mortgage, utilities and nothing for childcare?
Surely he pays less than half of the mortgage and less than half of the utilities and some of the childcare.

Total up all the bills then work out if he is paying his proportion according to earnings. You might find he is doing that and already so putting your mind at ease.

Ah OP, it's all very well to say that you're lucky and shouldn't moan, but it's natural that you're missing your baby!

Your DH probably can't do much to increase his earning capacity but he could certainly pull his weight around the house. Maybe that will make you feel less resentful.

I am the higher earner by a country mile. We don't have his money and my money, we have our money. Both of us spend it, checking with the other first about big purchases. We're a team, financially and practically. That's how we make it work.

This won't work for you if you have very different attitudes to money, or I suspect if one of you does nothing round the house. But I can honestly say I'm not resentful in the slightest, I'm contributing to our team and so is he, the fact I earn more just isn't relevant.

The fuel cost is massive, is that weekly? I do a 50 mile round trip a day and spend £30-£40 per week on petrol, admittedly I don’t have a 4 x 4. Would he not be better off with a diesel car?

Someone has to be the higher earner. In your family it is you. As we move to greater equality in the workplace, there are more women earning more than men and your situation is less unusual. You feel you are missing time with your baby, so is your DH.

A few year down the line.yoir friends will envy you. You and a good job, will hopefully progress in your career. Your friends are Sahms now and going off by what I see in my circle of friends, will struggle to get any job after years at home. If families break up, they are absolutely scuppered with a job/career, no pension.

You are doing the best for yourself and your DD and being back at work gets easier. The first weeks after the mat leave are the hardest.

I was the higher earner too. It also screws you over massively if you split up, as you end up getting a lot less of any shared assets, savings and your pension. I totally understand this where, for example, a sahp has given up their job to do all the childcare and house jobs and support the others' career, but so often when the woman is the higher earner they are also.doing half or a lot more of all the traditionally female jobs as well, and the man gets a bit of a free ride.

So what I'm saying is... Your situation is your situation, and if he's a good man, you're far better off maximising what you have.

As others have said, if he needs the car for work, is he ensuring all this is properly accounted for to maximise his take home? And is there anything he can do to increase his earning capacity? Or are there any changes you can make, or a move, to minimise your lifestyle cost and allow you to go 4 days?

I know the feeling, it's hard to miss your DCs and see friends able to spend more time with them.

It’s very odd that your friendship circle is made up of stay at home mums or part time working ones. Eighty percent of mothers work now, two incomes is the norm, and women staying home is a dated concept which doesn’t apply in the vast majority of homes. In most homes women are financially contributing.

So I think your feelings are maybe driven by the quite unique make up of your friendship circle. I would try to bear this in mind, because there is a much bigger picture to be seen.

I’m sorry but I don’t get some of the stuff I’ve read here. Why do people assume others, especially SAHM, have everything on credit and have no access to money?

Sure the posts on here might give that impression, but surely the ones happy and secure aren’t coming on mumsnet to post. Also don’t assume they won’t ever work after time off or won’t ever earn well, these women can afford not to work so can choose to retrain; go to uni, do more courses etc to get them to where they want to be.

As a pp said, because you chose it. What would you think if your part-time working friends' husbands were all complaining, that their wives are not paying their 50% and the husbands also want to work part time?

I've always earned more than DH. At the moment about 4x, has also been 10x. Of course I don't expect him to pay for half the expenses, we are married and it's joint money.

Does he otherwise add value to your life? Is he a good caring husband who appreciates and cares for you? Is he a good dad who loves and takes care of the baby?

I don't get this at all. It's very common for one partner in a marriage to earn more, just usually it's the man. I wonder whether, deep down, your discomfort is based in the cultural expectation that the man should be the breadwinner?

This is your husband, not a boyfriend. There are times and ways in any marriage where one partner carries the other. If you can't stop keeping score it isn't going to work.

@FuckyouBrennan because the focus of this thread is about how to help op with her feelings of resentment towards her husband?

He shouldn't be paying half of everything if he's earning a lot less than you, it should be proportional to your incomes.

It is diesel and yes, that is weekly. He works in forestry and has a pick up truck which he needs to carry his tools and drive off road.

I have always known his earnings which is why we didn't have a baby until I knew that if I had to, I could cover everything myself.
And I do really try to see it all as our money, I really do. But I admit I find this hard to do when I feel like there's nothing left over from my paycheck because it's covering so many bills that should have been shared by both of us but for so many reasons just fall to me.

@FuckyouBrennan and I get that but we don’t have to create some false narrative to help her feel better?

OP, like previous posters said, you knew his earning potential before you had a child. It will definitely be difficult at first to leave baby to work, especially full time, but make sure your DH is pulling his weight around the house and try to remember that you’re doing what you have to do to provide for your DC.

According to the ONS, in 2019 75% of mothers worked compared to 92% of fathers. Women are much more likely to take a lower-pressure role, an hours reduction or a career break. So I don't think it is abnormal for mothers of young children to be primarily at home - only 50% of mothers work more than thirty hours.

I would also say this varies dependent on the type of area - we had a period living rurally - the number of SAHMs was far far higher, partly due to more traditional lifestyles and partly due to it being practically harder to juggle work and childcare when there are few local jobs.

I was in your exact position when I had my baby. Went back to work full time when baby was 10 months as I was the main breadwinner.

We are no longer together but the thing that really got to me and I can see it annoys you too, is that my EX was hopeless with money. There was always a reason why he couldn't pay his part of the bills - I was paying 75% of bills, 100% of childcare and doing pretty much all the housework. Yes, he was great with DD and a doting dad, but that was it. I got no support and he didn't understand how devastated I was not to be able to spend more time with my baby. I don't know anyone who went back to work full-time after maternity leave.

I have a friend who earns more than her DH - he more than pulls his weight. Does all cooking, he is the one who looks after their child if school calls, does all admin, etc.

My resentment grew out of being with someone who showed no respect for me, was happy to sit back and do nothing around the house. The money became the focus. If EX had pulled his weight it wouldn't have been an issue. But like your DH, he not only didn't pay his way, but ran up debt too.

The car payment you talk about would really annoy me. He KNEW he had to save, but didn't. So now you're in a worse position because of his inability to plan and take responsibility. You need to let him know how his behaviour is impacting your relationship. He needs to shape up. I was in ££s of debt when I finally asked EX to leave. I'm much happier and more financially secure without him here.

OP - do you think if things were the other way around, your DH would feel resentful that he was paying the majority of the bills?

I think you need to try to adjust your attitude to this as you're clearly comparing apples with oranges, your husband isn't shooting the money up his arm, down the pub, on himself or throwing it away, he just earns less.

You earn more, so you'll pay more.

You won't let go of your resentment until you view yourself as a team, and you dont at the moment.

I have been the higher earner, for many years quite significantly. It was never the cause of any resentment, it just was what it was. Women have been striving to equal men in terms of workplace pay and I find it a bit disappointing that some women will still comment and feel resentful that they are the higher earner.

We didn’t think of bills of being his and mine, our bills are joint. We we don’t literally have everything in a joint account but we consider that the money can move fluidly between our accounts as required. Maybe if you stop the yours and his thinking it would help you to feel less resentful?