To ask how you get over resentment at being the higher earning partner?

[Bluetoybox]

My husband is a wonderful, kind and very sweet man who treats me beautifully and is an incredible Daddy to our little girl. He's a good man... I want to preface this by acknowledging he is a good man and a good husband in all the ways that matter.
He is self employed and generally speaking, brings home half my bring home income but this can be erratic. He also has so many outgoings that in terms of actual
contributions to our family life, be pays his half of the joint account where mortgage and bills are paid for and that is it. I pay the other half, 100% of the full time childcare bill, all groceries, all bits for our baby and all savings contributions. I do earn a fair salary but not amazing so there's nothing left after that and we only save £200 a month at the moment. It's not worth him stopping work to stay with the baby because he covers his own bills as well which mean he does make more than our childcare bill which is only temporary of course but giving up his business would mean having nothing to go back to once we no longer need the childcare.
I've only just gone back to work and am finding it very hard now because all my friends (who earn less than me) can stay home with their babies or work part time because their partners earn more. In fact in my circle of friends, of all the people in relationships I am the only one who earns more that their partner. And everyone else seems to be able to afford a much nicer quality of life than we can and I find myself now that I'm at the stage of having to leave my baby to go back to work feeling really resentful.

Please can I ask how to move past this as I know comparison is the thief of joy, I know I am lucky to be able to have a good job and a loving family and everything else in life is good. So how can I move past this stupid jealousy of what others have?

What are all these bills and expenses unique to him that you talk about? And what do you mean he pays his half to the joint account, he clearly isn’t if you’re left paying for all the food shopping etc?

Why are his outgoings so high?

I think you have to be careful that this doesn’t turn into resentment which can be hard to come back from. Try to remember the good things about your DH before money and lifestyle was a thing. You only have to look on the relationships board to see the wives of high earning husbands lamenting how they never see them etc.

Things will get easier when your childcare bills come down, in the meantime, saving £200 a month is a lot more than some can manage with a baby! Get him to check his expenses though and cut back if he can, it’s not fair if you have no money at all to treat yourself.

Oh...and never judge the inside of your life by the outside of someone else’s, easy to think others have a perfect life but not always the case.

So he's self-employed - is his business something which is likely to grow and provide a better income in the future?

If not, does he have transferable skills to be
come employed and earn more?

But two things, one) you decided to have a baby with this man and it seems a bit unfair to be complaining about it now and two), maybe some of these other men are bringing home more money but are arseholes when it comes to being a loving partner and/or selfish when it comes to housework and looking after their child. Remind yourself of what you do have.

But also, yes as a PP asked, what are all these outgoings he has? Can this be modified?

You accept it because you chose it, sorry to put it bluntly.
Don’t worry about what friends are doing, many will end up returning to work at some point and you don’t know how happy their marriages are or how much money they have access too (plenty of SAHM mum threads where their husbands don’t give them any money for the children etc)
Re: you husband, Is there any scope to reduce his outgoings or increase his earning potential in the future?

So you want him to earn more so you can give up work or go part time yourself 🤐

In all honesty, up until 2 years ago I had always earned more than dh and it never occurred to me to be resentful. I was always just glad we were both working and contributing.

I think you need to work on why you're resentful, you don't want to work FT but have to. Unfortunately thems the breaks sometimes.

You could encourage your dh to go back to paid employment if you think he could earn more. Would he be happy to do that?

He has a personal loan for his car which is excruciatingly high, £470 a month, finishing in the Autumn thank God. He also has a long drive to work which costs over £80 in fuel. He needs a 4x4 for work so he can't change cars and we live half way between both our works (though I'm now working from home but not permanently) so we can't move closer to his work without it impacting mine.

Thank you. I know you are all correct! I don't even know what I want out of this but yes, hearing people say stop moaning and remember how lucky I am does help because it's easy to get sucked into my own head of saying 'woe is me' when there's nothing really wrong. I think I just miss my baby at the moment. Being with her all day every day to suddenly 5 days a week without her is really hard and I feel guilty having her in childcare for such long hours and I guess I look at my friends who are still at home with their little ones and feel upset that that isn't an option for me.

Your friends might be running up enormous debts for their nice lifestyles!

Plus they might be miserable. Comparison really is the thief of joy, but you know that.

Do you and your DH enjoy your jobs? That counts for a lot in my opinion!

I think you need to have a conversation about joint budgeting and earning. See what outgoings can be reduced and work through what’s fair in terms of your joint contribution. Could he earn more or is this outside of his control? If you’d like to work part time then you should see how this can be made to work jointly.

It is fair that the higher earner pays more but the split has to reflect earnings not individual outgoings - if he has financial commitments outside of the joint essentials, I’d say he should manage that from his disposable income not the joint contribution.

I think once you have kids it’s easy to slip into gendered roles - man earns, woman stays at home. Does he do his fair share or more of childcare and chores? That’s where the resentment would come for me! It’s fair to expect that, but not really fair that, just because he is the man that he earns more. I see all the other directors (men) in my team and how they expect their wives to run their lives and I know I’d never want to be that wife!

I earn almost double what my husband earns. This is a common theme amongst my best friends too. I work four days a week. He would have done but his work said no. He does more than 50% of childcare and chores. We pay all bills jointly but I save more which I then use for joint projects/treats. I guess it would be nice if my DH earned more but his earnings reflect that man he is - hard working, not money motivated and someone who works in a role where principles, not cash, matter to him. I wouldn’t swap for the world.

Hey op.

I’m there with you! I feel like I could have written this post!

I resent being the higher earned meaning I have to work. I’ve always paid the mortgage and childcare and I contribute to everything else too.

We have 3dc and Dh is a good dad etc. But I hate that I miss out on my babies to work. I can’t help feel that dh should be more grateful and do more around the house and I resent when he spends money when I don’t have any spare (we keep everything separate). Dh simply expects me to pick up the tab all the time. At least that’s how it feels.

It adds to my stress levels and frankly drives me nuts. Like you, no one else gets this as they have partners who earn more and get to choose whether they work. It’s the lack of choice I find so hard.

But... I love being financially independent of him. I would rather this than have to feel indebted to anyone. And at least I’ve been able to pursue my career.

I don’t have much advice apart from it gets easier when you aren’t paying childcare.

You will be glad you have your own money again and haven’t had to take a career break.

We are on dc3 and now I can afford to be part time, which is amazing. Something to work towards once your dc is in school maybe?

It doesn’t seem to stop me feeling resentful though. Something I am working on.

I would be interested to hear other people’s comments on how they have got past this too. I also wonder how men feel where they are either the higher or lower earner. Do they resent their partners for not working?

I pay the other half, 100% of the full time childcare bill, all groceries, all bits for our baby and all savings contributions.

Sorry but he isn't paying anywhere near half. Childcare, groceries, any general costs relating to your joint children and savings are household bills.

I can never understand why child related costs and food are so often seen as the woman's responsibility alone?

Honestly moan away, you miss your baby - I and many working mums felt the same. I had to go back 4 days a wk after my first (then I was pissed off because work then said that wasn’t working for them), a friend of mine full time and at 5 months (not because her husband doesn’t bring home enough but because he still expects her to pay half) and another friend is due to go back full time in a few months as her husband doesn’t earn enough.
Just remember though v v soon they are toddlers, and then you’ll be so thankful for that break :)

Well first off - don't beat yourself up for the way you're feeling, it is good that you've recognised it and really had a think about it.

Now try and remember that comparison is the thief of joy. Are all your friends really doing so great? I've discovered that If you read enough mumsnet posts, you will soon come across all the horror stories of mean male partners not sharing their salaries with lower earning or sahm's, or leaving all of the childcare to their female partners. It would appear that there are gits and cocklodgers everywhere.

But in your case you say that you have a good person, who loves you, cares for you and your child and is on some level contributing to the bills. It isn't perfect but if he was the woman and you were the man, it would be considered normal by society that the woman earnt less.

Focus on the positives - Your current situation won't last forever and together you can put steps in place to balance the finances. Could he contribute even a small amount to savings? 10 quid a month? It doesn't sound like much but you could plan what you use it for together each year, like Christmas food or a really epic day out. And also see the positives if you can that the baby will grow up seeing a strong female role model and a nurturing male role model.

I know it is frustrating but I hope this helped a bit

I would be pissed off about the car - that's a huge expense each month and presumably into an asset that's in his name only? What job that he do that he 'needs' to spend £470/m on car finance? Surely if it's an essential part of his business then it's a work-related deductible expense?

I earn more in our household but we split all household expenses (ALL of them - food, insurance, house maintenance, bills etc) 50:50 and then we look at what we have left over - I tend to spend my extra on more luxuries and nice stuff for the house, or larger contributions to big purchases eg the car. We also share the childcare and housework 50:50. We are both self employed and that's the balance that works for us to keep everything fair.

If he needs the car for work and is self employed are you sure everything is being done as efficiently as possible to make his business pay for it? And tax breaks etc are being claimed on it.
Make sure you set in the back of his mind now that come August it won't be getting replaced with a new one since the loan is up.

But I feel your outlook on finances is off kilter a bit. You still view everything as his Vs yours, you are married. Money is family money no matter who brings it in.

I bet your friends are paying for everything on credit to achieve the insta lifestyle. That facility will run out eventually, and you don't know how much pressure and stress they are feeling at meeting those monthly bills.

Your child won't remember being in this childcare in 5-10 years time and you'll be set up in a well paid career, perhaps even a couple more jumps up in promotion when these friends are struggling on the bottom rung never able earn what they want. Their relationship that looks perfect now might go belly up and they are left unable to have what you have by then.

So many different things could happen.
Be happy with your lot and wish others will with theirs.

Stop being envious of other people's stuff, the might have nice stuff but in a month that stuff just father's dust while the bills pile up.

Prepare for you future, stick money into savings and your pension so you can relax off when you feel too old to work full time.

The thing is he can't pay more, he doesn't have it. He earns enough to cover what he covers. In fairness to him, he doesn't buy things for himself very often at all and when he does we're talking something under a tenner mostly.

He doesn't do his fair share of chores and that certainly annoys me! He will do something if asked but to the bare minimum of standards and never off his own back.
He does do his fair share with the baby.

He does love his job and so do I and you are right that this counts for an awful lot.

I'm assuming that you agreed to him taking out the car loan knowing what the monthly cost would be. Is any part of the cost of this something that he can or has claimed as a business expense?
Perhaps you could do less than the full five days once the loan is paid off. The truth is that you hate leaving them when they are younger but you both value the time spent together more when they are slightly older.

Please be grateful for what you have. I have a high earning husband but gave up my job after having children because we agreed that since my wages would only just cover childcare, there was no point given how stressful life would be (I worked away a lot so would need round the clock childcare; being away from the kids was another factor for not returning to work).
Fast forward and I can tell you that some wealthy people have wealth because they have a problem with spending it! No birthday presents etc for me. Lots of money tied up in shares etc that I can’t access. When I was earning, my money was spent on living while he saved his (higher earner so more tax saving on pension. Etc etc) Of course, it seems obvious that I should simply go back to work in order to earn my own money and have financial freedom again. However when I am working, our relationship deteriorates horribly because of the stress of 2 jobs, young children, etc. I’d go so far as to say I gave up my job to protect our marriage.
Fortunately we are now starting to have conversations about how this miserly attitude can change, he’s a good man but has a real problem with spending money on ‘fripperies’ even though our outgoings - utilities, mortgage, are insanely high. I’d prefer a small house and less cash flow issues.
Anyhow, no-one would know this from the outside. I’m just that lucky SAHM.
If your husband is a kind and good man, loves you and shows it, well that sounds like a good life to me.

@Dryadia

I pay the other half, 100% of the full time childcare bill, all groceries, all bits for our baby and all savings contributions.

Sorry but he isn't paying anywhere near half. Childcare, groceries, any general costs relating to your joint children and savings are household bills.

I can never understand why child related costs and food are so often seen as the woman's responsibility alone?

Well know but by the sounds of it he doesn’t have it. Doesn’t really matter where the money goes unless he has loads of money left for himself

Would you better off financially if he gave up some work and took on childcare OP?

In these situations I always wonder how you are living together but living separate lives, you talk as if it's his car, my mortgage, his fuel, my groceries.

I am the higher earner, when we got together we knew this would always be the case, my career historically paying more than his. At that point we accepted that and pooled resources. It's our money, our car, our groceries.

I don't resent my husband for being the lower earner, some things you cannot help. Once you pool resources you make joint decisions and realise that you're a team.

We do have our own accounts where every month some "pocket money" for each of us goes in, the rest is family money. I think it sounds like this is your problem to resolve, not his.

Do you think your partner does half the work in your partnership? I would focus on that.

There is no point comparing what you have with what other people appear to have, because you don't know the whole story. Sadly a small number of my female friends were subject to financial control and had the status of a nanny in their own home, after they gave up work. The grass isn't always greener.

What matters isn't the money you bring in but the work you both do in making a family and a happy home. If you are both working ft then you need to be splitting housework and leisure time too. If one works pt and the other ft, then the balance in the house should reflect that.

It sounds like you might need to review family finances perhaps?