To ask how you get over resentment at being the higher earning partner?

[Bluetoybox]

My husband is a wonderful, kind and very sweet man who treats me beautifully and is an incredible Daddy to our little girl. He's a good man... I want to preface this by acknowledging he is a good man and a good husband in all the ways that matter.
He is self employed and generally speaking, brings home half my bring home income but this can be erratic. He also has so many outgoings that in terms of actual
contributions to our family life, be pays his half of the joint account where mortgage and bills are paid for and that is it. I pay the other half, 100% of the full time childcare bill, all groceries, all bits for our baby and all savings contributions. I do earn a fair salary but not amazing so there's nothing left after that and we only save £200 a month at the moment. It's not worth him stopping work to stay with the baby because he covers his own bills as well which mean he does make more than our childcare bill which is only temporary of course but giving up his business would mean having nothing to go back to once we no longer need the childcare.
I've only just gone back to work and am finding it very hard now because all my friends (who earn less than me) can stay home with their babies or work part time because their partners earn more. In fact in my circle of friends, of all the people in relationships I am the only one who earns more that their partner. And everyone else seems to be able to afford a much nicer quality of life than we can and I find myself now that I'm at the stage of having to leave my baby to go back to work feeling really resentful.

Please can I ask how to move past this as I know comparison is the thief of joy, I know I am lucky to be able to have a good job and a loving family and everything else in life is good. So how can I move past this stupid jealousy of what others have?

I would rather be the higher earner because it means our financial situation is in my control. I don't mean in the sense of controlling my husband's spending, I mean that I don't have to worry about something I can't do anything about - i.e. danger of someone else poorly performing, getting sacked etc. which I couldn't change.

@FuckyouBrennan

I’m sorry but I don’t get some of the stuff I’ve read here. Why do people assume others, especially SAHM, have everything on credit and have no access to money?

Sure the posts on here might give that impression, but surely the ones happy and secure aren’t coming on mumsnet to post. Also don’t assume they won’t ever work after time off or won’t ever earn well, these women can afford not to work so can choose to retrain; go to uni, do more courses etc to get them to where they want to be.

Yes, that’s what I was thinking. I think we have got to be careful not to turn this into a’bashing’ of SAHMs. We can support the Op, without casting aspersions on others and making the sahms on this thread terrible Op, I definitely think that you should speak to your dh about doing his share of the housework as I definitely think that this is an issue for you.

Loads of women might be jealous if you because you get to ‘swan off and have an interesting life/ career’ (isn’t that edgy we say about men?

The truth is YoU need to work out how you want your life to be and then take steps to getting they life (hopefully you and your husband can get on the same page).

It sounds like really you are missing your DC and resenting that you have to work full time OP. Maybe when you feel jealous or resentful you can list all the positives of your situation to help remind there are pros and cons to every work type.
I work full time and always have (DH and I earn similar so sometimes I'm the higher earner, sometimes him but neither of us are high earners) and I've seen my SAHM friends find it difficult to find work once their DC go to school, they've had to take jobs they don't like as they've fallen behind in their previous area and one is so dependent on her DH for their very nice lifestyle that she's staying even though she's unhappy. My full-time working friends however seem, like me, to be reaping the benefits now as our DC are teenagers with more money, more flexibility and much more equality in our home lives.
Maybe you need a conversation with your DH about pulling his weight around the house so you have more leisure time with your DC rather than spending it doing housework while he can play. It's much easier if you're both working hard at work and evenly at home.

He does not sound very financially savvy

The car thing is just

Why did it have to be such an expensive (new?) car? If the job is badly paid, he can surely rock up in an old scruffy 4x4?

Where has anyone bashed SAHMs?

@PositiveNegative

Very briefly...

You've probably known his earning potential for a long time.

It's tough when you miss your baby.

We're in a similar situation but many years down the road from you.

It's about equality of effort for us. And yes, that comes down to emptying the bins and sorting the laundry too.

The difficulty for me was that we were trapped in a too- small house for a long time, but that's sorted now.

We started with nothing so we have complete joint finances and discuss any significant purchases.

If this wouldn't work for you, then have your own / shared money, but reevaluate how things are spent.

Good luck, it's not easy, especially in the early years of parenthood. But it's a marathon not a sprint and you're doing the right thing for the future.

I agree with this. DH earns full time x9 my 3 day a week salary. I’d be really pissed off if he resented me for that because:-

• working in his area is always going to out earn most other jobs, that’s just about the type of work

• it’s about equality of effort, as PositiveNegative says.

I’m absolutely clear I work as hard as DH, in terms of contributions to DC and running the house etc. Is that true of your DH?

Is frustration with not having enough income to work part time being unfairly placed at your DH’s door? As long as financial decisions are reasonable and jointly agreed (the car does sound a lot) and he contributes equally to family life overall then that’s just the way it is.

I earn more than my DH (a lot more) and always have done. It is the way our career paths have taken us. Our money is pooled as family money - we pay the bills and outgoings and what is left is spent on us all.

Over the years I've had friends who have been in a similar positions and others who have been able to work part time or stay at home - they have just made different choices.

As a woman I honestly feel that relying on a man to bring home the money at the expense of your own financial independence (if it was ever to be needed) is a crazy thing to do - but that is my opinion and in real life is one I keep to myself.

In our partnership, my DH is the one who is extremely stingy and I'm the one who spends more, tries to get some nice stuff and experiences for the family and in return I always spend much more. I never go into debt though and have a pretty decent cushion in stuff I can't touch (and don't want to because I know myself).
We came to the view that we balance each other this way so even if we're both good earners, I will have less but will take care that we don't sit on the money and will organise things my DH would spend procrastinating about or would never do because he'd be looking at the price tag.
So that's how we see it and it seems to be working out OK.

Hang on a sec, nothing you've written makes sense.

1. He's not contributing 1/2 is he? Half of what? What are you counting as essential bills here? Just the mortgage and gas? Because I consider all those other bits, the childcare and the food, etc, as essential. Add those back in, and he's not contributing 1/2 is he?

2)Is he a bit dim? Why didn't he calculate and add in the cost of saving for the car balloon payment anyway? I mean this is just stupidity. where were you in all of this?

3. You do his tax returns? so seriously is he actually earning that much? is his business really a viable business? Nope!

people may love what they do but if it's not profitable then it's not a business. If he's not making enough he should consider cutting down on his self-employed and taking another position : either another self-employed position or a PAYE job.

how people don't understand that their businesses aren't that profitable, even no matter how much they love them, I'll never understand.

You need to wake up and smell the coffee. all of these are like really basic things and for a highly intelligent woman you which you clearly are I can't understand why you are not wanting to face these basics.

I am the higher earner and financially it made no sense for me to reduce my hours. We pay the bills in proportion to our net income. Works out that I pay 1/3 more, which is pretty much our childcare bill.

I don't resent my DH for earning what he does, but more I am wishful that he earned more so we could save more, which could then go on the house, holidays etc. While we can save with what is left of our disposable income, it isn't the same as pre-baby where I could buy something expensive (£300ish) and not have to think about it as I know I had the disposable income.

You should concentrate on the fact his loan will end in Autumn, so that frees up more money (£460 a month is horrendous!) and then childcare gets better in the future.

As for the time with your baby... unfortunately that one can't be waited out. If your work won't entertain compressed hours over 4 days, you are kind of stuck.

My work wouldn't do compressed hours, so I am also full time. Luckily though I love my job so it isn't as much of a hardship and also my daughter is home by half 3, so I do see her a bit more than others might in full time nursery.

The thing is, I knew his earning capacity before we decided to have a child and I made my peace with it. He will likely never outearn me, and that's okay. You just need to find a way to accept it and not let it fester with you.

The only thing I would add is that he needs to do his fair share around the house and that is a conversation and change that needs to happen now before the resentment builds up.

When he's finished paying off the car loan, will he be able to run the car for a good few years without needing to spend more money on a car?

Does he make an actual salary, say more than £20k pa from his self employed forestry work, or is it more of a hobby 'playing with chainsaws' type thing? Could he offer 'tree surgery' type work to individuals, to increase his income?

Hi OP. I'm the higher earner in my relationship too - not by a huge amount and certainly not double like you, but I do earn more than DP. Like you, we split all the household bills equally but we also do this with the monthly food shop (and will be doing the same with our childcare bill when i go back to work after my mat leave next year). Slightly different to your situation as it feels like more of an even split for us. But there might for example be a month where DP hasn't done as much overtime, and then I'm picking up more of the food shopping for example. We manage to save quite a substantial amount each month too between us, but that will obviously change somewhat when our baby goes to nursery next year and I go back to work.

With regard to the other part of your post though - I wouldn't be able to go part time either next year, because what we would save in childcare wouldn't be enough to offset the loss of some of my salary, so we'd be at a deficit anyway, if that makes sense. So even though I only earn slightly more than DP, I wouldn't be in a position to be home with our baby PR or FT either. This may be able to change in future when I get a pay rise.

Anyway, my point being - I get it, I empathise. I envy people who work PT and get that extra time with their kids at home. But, perhaps they envy us the things we can afford that they can't? It's swings and roundabouts isn't it. Pros and cons to each.

Life with small children is hard - whether you are the main wage earner or the SAHM. You might think your friends are having a great time but they could be driven mad by the groundhog day of looking after babies and envious of you getting your life back, having adult conversations, and, crucially, developing your career so you earn well, get a good pension etc.

Talk to your DH about your concerns and ask that when the car loans end he contributes the equivalent money towards childcare and groceries. That will ease your outgoings a bit. But remember, over a life time, things change. Your DH might be the one supporting you when you have your next child.

And he's lazy? He doesn't do anything off his own back? Without asking? Where's his drive?

Every SE person I know, (and I know a lot, most of Dh's friends are SE, and his brother is a builder and SE, and I know all his bricky, electrician, tiler friends - many of which ask me for help with their tax returns, that I always do for free) and they are ALL completely driven, work like a dog.

I get where Op is coming from in terms of money and expenses. My Dh had the same type of job up until recently. Had to have a truck for the job. Drives more so fuel is higher. Self employed also means you might not have consistent income. It’s not as straight forward as sharing bank accounts. I don’t share because I couldn’t have business expenses mixing, and each month the income was different, so all outgoings are from my account, and Dh contributed when and where he could without it becoming a strain on the business, which needs cash flow.

I like the posts about comparisons to others. This is good advice. I also agree that you should make sure the car expense goes straight to savings come august.

See what you can do about going part time. Even one day a week. Maybe once the car is paid off??

I have resentment towards my husband due to other reasons.
It doesn’t go away, I’d love to shake it off, but you can’t.

@FuckyouBrennan

I’m sorry but I don’t get some of the stuff I’ve read here. Why do people assume others, especially SAHM, have everything on credit and have no access to money?

Sure the posts on here might give that impression, but surely the ones happy and secure aren’t coming on mumsnet to post. Also don’t assume they won’t ever work after time off or won’t ever earn well, these women can afford not to work so can choose to retrain; go to uni, do more courses etc to get them to where they want to be.

I agree. In the majority of cases being a SAHM for 2/3 years will not destroy a lifetime of 30+ years of earning potential still to come after return to work.

This thread has actually massively helped as I've just written an entire post defending DH's actions to @Oblomov21 which I decided against because that wasn't the point of the thread; it was to make me feel better and I do 😁 so genuinely thank you.
I will work on the housework! That should be split more evenly (or at least he shouldn't sulk so much when doing it) but many of you have highlighted what is true; my issue isn't with what DH earns, it's how I'm viewing that and I need to rethink that!
Thank you!

I earn nearly double what my DH does but after having second child we decided I would work part time

I still bring in more but get to enjoy the time with DC so don’t feel any resentment and our earnings are more balanced

You answered how you get over this in your first sentence. Money isn't everything. My cousin was married to a wealthy narcissist for 25 yrs who left her pretty much penniless in the end, be thankful that's not you.

I won’t go over the financial stuff again, but it sounds as if your resentment is fuelled in part by your friends all staying at home after they had children, and the idea that this is a normal and fortunate thing to do, if the other earner can support the household.

In your heart of hearts, would you really have given up the career you say you love to be a SAHM? It wouldn’t occur to me to stop work if DH was a billionaire, and none of my friends are SAHP. Is the resentment really coming from you, or is it a cultural expectation?

@Gwenhines
Their relationship that looks perfect now might go belly up and they are left unable to have what you have by then

Why do you seek to make OP feel better by catastrophising the lives of others? It's mean spirited and probably doesn't help OP who just wants to be with her baby now. And I know plenty of SAHMs who have picked up their careers, or remained part time, once their children were in school.

OP - is there anyway you could do 4 days a week? Either now or once the car loan is paid off?

I'm really sorry you didn't like what I posted. I don't expect you to defend your husbands actions. I'm glad you didn't post that.

But. Some of what I said does need to be addressed. Are you in denial about that?

It's not a very pleasant realisation, but if your husbands business is not doing that well and not really viable then it really does need to be addressed.

Do you not want to deal with this? Can you not sit down and gently talk to him about this? It's a very sensitive subject and needs to be handled carefully because it damages a man's pride but facts are facts if the money isn't there then the money isn't there.