To ask how you get over resentment at being the higher earning partner?

[Bluetoybox]

My husband is a wonderful, kind and very sweet man who treats me beautifully and is an incredible Daddy to our little girl. He's a good man... I want to preface this by acknowledging he is a good man and a good husband in all the ways that matter.
He is self employed and generally speaking, brings home half my bring home income but this can be erratic. He also has so many outgoings that in terms of actual
contributions to our family life, be pays his half of the joint account where mortgage and bills are paid for and that is it. I pay the other half, 100% of the full time childcare bill, all groceries, all bits for our baby and all savings contributions. I do earn a fair salary but not amazing so there's nothing left after that and we only save £200 a month at the moment. It's not worth him stopping work to stay with the baby because he covers his own bills as well which mean he does make more than our childcare bill which is only temporary of course but giving up his business would mean having nothing to go back to once we no longer need the childcare.
I've only just gone back to work and am finding it very hard now because all my friends (who earn less than me) can stay home with their babies or work part time because their partners earn more. In fact in my circle of friends, of all the people in relationships I am the only one who earns more that their partner. And everyone else seems to be able to afford a much nicer quality of life than we can and I find myself now that I'm at the stage of having to leave my baby to go back to work feeling really resentful.

Please can I ask how to move past this as I know comparison is the thief of joy, I know I am lucky to be able to have a good job and a loving family and everything else in life is good. So how can I move past this stupid jealousy of what others have?

I used to be the higher earner but an accident forced a significant change in my working life. Now the role are reversed and he is significantly the higher earner and I play a supportive role. I was never resentful and hope he isn't now. Accept each other for the positive things you bring to the relationship because you just never know what the future holds.

However I would say that if the household stuff is also one sided, he needs to step up in this department.

@Parker231

I wonder how many men resent their wife having a lower paid job and financially contributing less?

I wonder how many women don't then do their fair share of the lifework, sulk about chores, etc.

I'm not surprised he's a sulker about lifework, OP.

I agree with Obmolov.

My OH is in the same industry and is also self employed. He is set up as a limited company and his expenses come out of his business account. I know it’s too late this time, but the pick up should belong to the business and all expenses for it be paid by the business, fuel, road tax, insurance, maintenance etc included. It should also have been on HP, not PCP which would have avoided the balloon payment. This will minimise his personal outgoings.

This is how my OH does things, he even has me on his books as an employee (I’m responsible for all business admin, bookkeeping etc) which brings more take home pay into the household. I also have my own part time job out of the home which pays pretty well, so we manage just fine financially.

Being self employed can be tricky but it sounds like your DH needs to make his business more financially efficient. Maybe a chat with his accountant would be beneficial. Once has done this, you may begin to feel less resentful as you’ll be able to see he is being financially responsible.

@Parker231

I wonder how many men resent their wife having a lower paid job and financially contributing less?

I find it bizarre. Should you only partner up with someone who earns as much as you? That'll be the end of many Doctor/Nurse marriages (for example). Why should there be resentment? Why not gratitude that you can pay bills, feed your family whilst married to someone who enhances your life in more ways than contributing cash?

Being the higher earner isn't the problem, good for you! It's hard to leave your baby I know but honestly your baby won't even remember. Trust me, I'm the main earner and I've done it twice!

Not sharing chores equally/fairly is a problem. Give him short shrift about this. You shouldn't have to but sadly many men are happy to be "modern" when it comes to women earning /paying but assume women will ALSO do the traditional "women's work" .

His irresponsibility with money (the car loan situation) is dreadful. Make sure you discuss the plan for the autumn - that the 470 will be going straight to build, not into his p ocket!

How many men who earn more than their partner also do more of the household chores?

Not read the whole thread yet, but my first thought is that it isn't long until Autumn, at which point his car loan ends and that's another £480 to go into the family pot. I suggest you talk to him now and ensure he doesn't sign up to a new car in the meantime or consider that the money will be solely his.
Tbh, I also think that running your own business and being self employed is a luxury if you can't meet your share of expenses. But I don't know if he would earn more as a ft employee for someone else. Could he do any additional jobs at the weekend to top up income?
I also think that you need to discuss division of labour. It's not fair for him to do less in the home or with the baby and I think that will be a source of irritation that he could easily resolve.
I am a sahp so coming at this from a different perspective. (To clarify, this does not mean loads of debt and no access to money). We always put everything into a joint pot, whether it was my money or DH's - it became 'ours'. It helps to stop seeing things as separate. We also both make the same amount of effort to our family - we might be doing different things but we are both contributing. I can see why you would feel resentful if you are missing your baby, working ft and doing more at home. There needs to be a more equal balance. He might not be able to earn more but he should fully participate at home.

@user1471462428 I'm very sorry you had that experience.
It's not that I was ignoring @Oblomov21, they asked valid questions but I know the answer to all of them. I do understand our financial situation well. We have a big mortgage and just that and bills paid out of our joint account is £675 each which is what my husband pays in. He then pays nearly £500 on his car loan which yes, no denying was a terrible error in judgement but there we are, it's done and in 8 months it will be gone and the car will only be 7 years old and is still in very good working order so should serve him for a good chunk more years to come (fingers crossed) and we'll have that money back. He also has his own costs such as phone, car fuel and maintenance, insurances etc. But as many of these are at least partially business related expenses, even if we ignore them and just look at the joint account and loan money when that ends he's bringing in nearly £1150 a month which might not be huge amounts but is not nothing and is worth him going to work as it is more than our childcare bill. He also saves 20% of every payment that comes in to ensure his tax bill is covered as he should so we don't have to worry about that. It does impact our decision to have another child so we're not having another until at least our baby is in school, if at all. We managed to be together for 10 years without having a baby before we did so I'm confident we can just not have one for this time period also.
To cover any periods where a potential delay in income (as his income can be erratic, such is the nature of being self employed) we have an emergency fund which is slowly growing; not much but enough to give us a few months relief if he can't pay his half of the joint account one month.

He absolutely should be more forthcoming with housework and it does annoy me and that's an ongoing battle between us but speaking to most of my friends he isn't any worse than most of their partners and whilst he might earn less than me we work the same number of hours so I don't think he should be doing more than me, but a bit more than he does now with less eye rolling because of how much he hates dishes would be nice.

So I've broken a lot of it more down anyway! Haha! But my point was, I get it, I really do. But I do know what's going in and what's going out and I do know how viable his business is and that we have made the decision that it is worth both of us carrying on working full time and I just need to buck up and stop whining about it.
Wanting to decent my husband in Thai thread has helped me to see that more clearly because I know that whatever mistakes have been made in the past, this is the right thing for us to be doing now.

Is the problem not so much you're the higher earner but he doesn't earn enough?

I personally would have less of an issue if I earned 80k & DH earned 50k, then say if I was on 50k & he was on 20k.

Would you actually rather your roles were reversed? Would you be happy if he was the higher earner and felt resentful about you?

I’d stop comparing to others 100%

I’d also stop lamenting having to work
In this day , age , economy having a job and ability to earn is critical , If not fundamental

Honestly, this is the primary reason why I don't think I could ever marry or cohabit again.

In the culture we currently live in you're a higher earning woman its a lose/lose: in the vast majority of cases a higher earning woman will work harder and also do a double domestic shift because the lower earning bloke won't do a commensurate amount of domestic work and childcare. So she's effectively subsidising someone.

In the rare cases where the bloke is a genuine, fully paid up SAHP and does all the childcare and properly pulls his weight (and these partnerships are still rare) the woman is likely to be under huge pressure, feel excluded and cut off from her children and stand to lose them in the event of a split. I know that this is what men have done for millennia and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I'm not remotely surprised most of them don't want to get married.

I've been a single parent for seven years and I love it: what's mine is mine and my DD's and I don't have to worry about sharing it with anyone or subsidising anyone. That may sound harsh or mercenary but I just can't imagine any bloke who I could really rely upon both to step up pull his weight domestically and not to take the piss or take me to the cleaners in a divorce.

The idea of "family money" scares the shit out of me tbh. I can't imagine anything more frightening than having to dole out money to someone who didn't deserve it.

I wonder how many men resent their wife having a lower paid job and financially contributing less?

I wouldn't like my DH to have a low paid job. It's probably wrong to think that but it's true.

He clearly isn't paying half but what proportion is he paying in comparison to what proportion of the family income does he earn?

Presumably in 6? months there will be £450 freed up so if you're currently covering all bills and basics and savings between you, that should give you some shared extra money.

Has the pandemic affected his business and will it bounce back or has it been fairly pandemic proof? There's certainly a value in that
He absolutely has to start pulling his weight at home though and if he's in the house more hours than you he needs to be doing more

He needs to totally separate his business accounts from his personal. They sound far too mixed up.

I am afraid I’d resent a man who can’t do simple business accounts, appears to earn less than minimum wage, as that money in his account should be AFTER he has paid for his business vehicle, and sulks when asked to do HIS FAIR SHARE of jobs and life work at home.

Kop yourself on and wobble your head here lady.

The idea of "family money" scares the shit out of me tbh. I can't imagine anything more frightening than having to dole out money to someone who didn't deserve it
Earning less money doesn’t mean they don’t deserve anything- I earn more than a nurse or a teacher but if my husband was either I wouldn’t consider him beneath me in any way

@thepeopleversuswork same. I was screwed over once by being in a ''family'' and i've had very tough times along the way as a single parent as I headed towards security (home and job) but now that I'm here, I couldn't have a joint account. Even if in some strange stroke of good fortune I met 1) somebody better off than I am, 2) completely generous about sharing with somebody who earns less and 3) in it for the long haul, I just couldn't take the risk.

I am so glad I"m not married tbh. I'm happy with what I've got now, and nobody can take it from me through their laziness, entitlement or selfish behavior.

I had a husband like this. My resentment ate away at us over many years and I left him. Wished I had done it much sooner.

Your position sounds more nuanced than mine, OP, but the fact that he does bugger all around the house either means that you are taking the physical as well as financial load. And am betting you take the mental load too.

It will wear you down to a point of no return unless things change somehow. All the best to you.

He only earns around 18,000 grand a year.

No wait - much less than that as he can’t allocate the costs properly and appears to be paying them out of his wages

I suggest an appt with an accountant will repay you both in a few months. You need some serious advice about running a business and making a living wage

''The idea of "family money" scares the shit out of me tbh. I can't imagine anything more frightening than having to dole out money to someone who didn't deserve it.''

I agree with this. But I could tell the difference between a man determined to make the best of his SAHD role and a man who was passively avoiding working in his own job. And the OP's H sounds a little bit more like the second. I wasn't getting the sense that the house was in great order, that the shopping was all taken care of, that the laundry and the meals were taken care of.

@user1471462115 I agree wholeheartedly. I once worked out that my ex partner earns £4.33 an hour. I’d never be annoyed about a low earning job but self employment which is managed badly is extremely annoying.

Car loan will go away in a few months and that should help him cover more of your costs too. You may find it doesn't help though - feels like maybe its more about being away from you child, and maybe a bit of 'grass always greener' with your friends - neither of which will change just becuase he can contribute a bit. Maybe you'll see some personal change, appreciating being in touch with your work colleagues, getting used to your child being away more?

As for the car, frankly I'd sell it - should cover the rest of the loan and give you some equity back - then do a proper business-write-off new car purchase. Don't know if electric is an option if you need a proper 4x4 and he does big miles, but some big tax benefits there if you can

If he's self employed then surely his car and fuel can be put through his business.

With regards to your actual question, they way I look at it is, I know I'm financially stable, I know of something was to happen I could support myself and my dc without any worries. I'm also looking to retire a bit earlier so again that gives me a certain security. As for being a sahp, I never wanted that. I'd have liked to go part time in the early years which I did for a few years. But I'm now back to full time, my dc are older and I can enjoy my money, I have a nicer car than my dh but he doesn't seem to mind that.

I've always been the higher earner and it did used the stress me out knowing I had a responsibility to keep a roof over our heads, I used to be jealous of friends who's dh earned more, but that comes with its own problems and I'd rather be in control of my own destiny rather than relying on a partner. I did date someone who was a high earner, and it was nice for a time, but I soon realised that he was actually married to his job. That came first over everything, weekends, holidays, birthdays etc.

I have always been major earner and at times sole earner. There have been times when I have been a bit resentful especially when DH was having a fun time taking DCs out and about. Then I would remind myself that, actually, I really hate going to the zoo!

Big difference is that DH has always done the majority of the housework and takes pride in it. When he was SAHP he saw keeping the house running smoothly as his job. It meant that come weekends we did no more than keep on top of the washing up.

The housework needs to be fairly distributed and done without needing to be chased from the other person.