To hope for the worst re pregnancy :(

[woooooohhhhhh]

So sorry if this is sensitive 😭

Be kind. I'm 40, divorcee.

Ok early pregnancy and I'm exhausted 😭I specifically told me partner last night I was exhausted- I had been for an east scab due to a suspected ectopic pregnancy and I have to go back In 10 days. Still no further forward. I suffered a previous pregnancy as ectopic. This morning I woke early to find him grinding against my back- it's was before 7am and he instigated sex which at first I told him I was still tired and then I caved in.

Later I went out and bought some lovely food and drinks and cooked and then 5 mins before everything was due to be ready I said I wanted to go and watch something that started on tv and could he finish off and bring the food through. He kicked off and stormed out. Now he's disappeared ...again.1

I am too old for this bull shit. So although I adore my kids and don't want a termination...I just don't know how I can move forward here.

I love him. I love my children. But I'm fed up of carrying everything for everyone else.

@woooooohhhhhh

But when I said it was not thoughtful he wanked over me.

He is abusing you, you can free yourself from him, there is nothing stopping you. Have a termination, get your kids behind you and kick him the fuck out.

I guarantee they know he's a cunt and he's making their mum miserable.

Please please please if you are already hesitating to have this child, abort.

As someone who has a “dad” (sperm donor?) similar to your partner, it would be much kinder to abort.

You have no idea the trauma that comes with knowing your dad is a rapist (and yes regardless of age kids are much more aware of what goes on behind closed doors than you think). It’s awful. Your kid might be forced to have contact with that individual for the rest of his/her life and carry that wound.

My mom had me at 17, had my brother at 18 and eventually left but she never managed to rebuilt what was broken. She is now 43 (soon) and had another kid at 41 with a guy she met at a club that couldn’t look any more disinterested in her if he tried (at least he doesn’t sound utterly abusive), but she is in love. I have lived abroad since I am 16 (to escape home) and I am in my mid 20’s now but everyone is very much aware of what happens in their bedroom as we can all very much hear when I do bother visiting.

Honestly it’s grim, growing up with a mom who doesn’t respect herself (and I am sorry OP but you don’t) is grim. If my mom gave me love or life advice, I would literally laugh at her because she doesn’t understand what love is. She obviously doesn’t love herself, doesn’t settle for men who love her and can’t know how to appropriately love her kids as a result.

Don’t bring a kid in this mess. My mom “couldn’t abort” (aka she made the choice not to as she couldn’t face it). Her body her choice yes, but it’s us, her kids who paid the high-price.

I have turned out okay (can’t say the same about my brother from the same father) but it’s not thanks to her. I will forever be resentful of the choice she made to keep me.

Being a mom is also knowing when a kid is better not being born. Having a piece of shit as a dad who rapes and emotionally abuse women is NOT the role model you want for your kids, it’s also not what your kid deserves to be brought into.

My advice to you: leave your partner IMMEDIATELY, and make a police report for rape, abort AND get effective contraception for the future and reach out to a professional therapist so you can learn about healthy relationships and navigate the abortion and your relationship with men.

Your older kids NEED you to value yourself and show them you know you deserve better and that you don’t ever want them to think it’s okay. My mom just trapped herself with a new baby, but you don’t have to.
Value yourself right now and leave your partner.

You have just lost both of your parents.

You need time, space & support to grieve for your significant losses.
This is your ‘primary task’.
Life goes on with your family, friends & work as you grieve.

BUT this pregnancy & this man will not help you come to terms with the next stage of your life as an independent adult. Drifting into a situation where you will have to focus on the needs of a baby, & an unpleasant man will not give you what you need & you will be storing up further emotional angst & heartache for future years.

His mother can butt out. It is your life, not his or hers, & it is your decision. He is not a loving partner & potential father of consideration.

Should you terminate this pregnancy (or indeed you are not pregnant) & after ditching this man, & you feel compelled to explore single parenthood in your 40s, then there are many clinics offering donor IVF.
Do not settle for this man now or for in the future.

Be very kind to yourself.

@woooooohhhhhh

He had a wank over my tits this morning- first he wanted to cum in my face. Afterwards I was in hysterical tears and he did say he hadn't meant to hurt me but I just feel so insecure and vulnerable and would have preferred more affection.

But I am emotional and hormonal and don't know what's normal any more. My judgement is all over the place.

What a pig!

Please don't stay tied to him

@woooooohhhhhh

But when I said it was not thoughtful he wanked over me.

He is revolting,

No other word fits. Revolting.

Please leave him. You are showing your children it's okay to be treated badly (because don't tell me he treats you well outside of the bedroom either)

@Hardcoresoftie I know why you’re shocked about people advising a termination but imagine co parenting with your rapist for 18 years. I have to co parent and I’m fucking terrified of him. I often find myself shaking uncontrollably. It’s no way to live your life. He shouts at my babies but I can’t stop access because he doesn’t met the threshold of being a bad enough father.

Sorry for your loss Op. Your in such a vulnerable place right now. I hope your able to see clearly what is right for you and your children and the kind of future you see for yourself.

@Linning

Please please please if you are already hesitating to have this child, abort.

As someone who has a “dad” (sperm donor?) similar to your partner, it would be much kinder to abort.

You have no idea the trauma that comes with knowing your dad is a rapist (and yes regardless of age kids are much more aware of what goes on behind closed doors than you think). It’s awful. Your kid might be forced to have contact with that individual for the rest of his/her life and carry that wound.

My mom had me at 17, had my brother at 18 and eventually left but she never managed to rebuilt what was broken. She is now 43 (soon) and had another kid at 41 with a guy she met at a club that couldn’t look any more disinterested in her if he tried (at least he doesn’t sound utterly abusive), but she is in love. I have lived abroad since I am 16 (to escape home) and I am in my mid 20’s now but everyone is very much aware of what happens in their bedroom as we can all very much hear when I do bother visiting.

Honestly it’s grim, growing up with a mom who doesn’t respect herself (and I am sorry OP but you don’t) is grim. If my mom gave me love or life advice, I would literally laugh at her because she doesn’t understand what love is. She obviously doesn’t love herself, doesn’t settle for men who love her and can’t know how to appropriately love her kids as a result.

Don’t bring a kid in this mess. My mom “couldn’t abort” (aka she made the choice not to as she couldn’t face it). Her body her choice yes, but it’s us, her kids who paid the high-price.

I have turned out okay (can’t say the same about my brother from the same father) but it’s not thanks to her. I will forever be resentful of the choice she made to keep me.

Being a mom is also knowing when a kid is better not being born. Having a piece of shit as a dad who rapes and emotionally abuse women is NOT the role model you want for your kids, it’s also not what your kid deserves to be brought into.

My advice to you: leave your partner IMMEDIATELY, and make a police report for rape, abort AND get effective contraception for the future and reach out to a professional therapist so you can learn about healthy relationships and navigate the abortion and your relationship with men.

Your older kids NEED you to value yourself and show them you know you deserve better and that you don’t ever want them to think it’s okay. My mom just trapped herself with a new baby, but you don’t have to.
Value yourself right now and leave your partner.

Great post. The reality when women put their sex lives ahead of their children.

But the OP is so focused on herself that she convinces herself her children can't see or hear ANYTHING.🙄

The truth is her children know only too well the price of her decisions to put her 'love' of a waster first.

They see it all.

She will hear from them in the future EXACTLY how much they saw and heard, and how it has impacted their lives that she put her needs miles ahead of what was best.

Poor poor kids having that animal in their home.

But their mother 'loves' him so that's ok.🙄

You can just imagine what they must be thinking at the prospect of another poor child being born into such a set up.

My Mum put her sex life before my sister and I. She brought some horrid men into our lives and trust me when I say that we knew exactly what was going on with it all, and I was in my early teens.

Don't kid yourself that your kids aren't seeing the example you're setting them. They likely hate you for bringing this man into their lives, and that damage is growing bigger by the day. You are actively choosing to be in a destructive relationship, and you're making them sit in the front row seats and watch it all unfold.

But the title of your thread suggests you want a miscarriage

So.....

Terminate the pregnancy and try to up your self esteem. Really. Try hard. Otherwise your life will be total shit.

@woooooohhhhhh

I'm sorry you've been there. At the moment I genuinely would rather be on my own. But I do lOve many aspects of him.

If you would genuinely rather be on your own then do that. You don’t need him financially and it’s your house, just kick the abusive twat out. It’s your choice but I would not want to be tied to a man like that by having a baby with him, but if you do and the pregnancy is viable I am sure you can do it alone

@woooooohhhhhh you seriously need to see a therapist. You’re still dealing with the loss of your parents. Imagine if your DD was in the position you’re in. What would you say? Would you be happy if she wanted to stay with her abuser? Having a child who connected her to her abuser for the rest of her life? Her child growing up seeing her DM abused by her dad?

Oh my love.
This is such hard reading.
He just sees you as something to cum on or in. What joy are you getting out of your sexual relationship?

Going right back to the op, you told him you didn’t want sex but then you caved in. No man worth the name would want sex with a woman that he knew deep down didn’t want it.

Please find the strength to leave. Your DC love you. That is everything you need right now.

This is horrifying.

You're 40 years old and have brought up 3 kids already - who you say are aero kids full time so you can't have done such a bad job.

Yet your self esteem is that of a downtrodden teenager who hasn't developed the maturity to see she has many many many options beyond staying with the man who abuses her.

You talk about the sexual side of things as though you're a passive observer. "He came on my tits" as though they're not attached to the rest of you. I assume he isn't physically restraining you because surely you would see immediately see that as the RAPE that is it? What would happen if you just stood up and walked away? If you don't feel truely free to walk away at any time that is still RAPE - abusive and illegal.

Please get rid of him. Preferably report him to the police too.

And FFS his mother gets NO say in this. She's the one that raised him into this monster FFS, her opinion counts for less than nothing.

Sorry but he sounds vile! I see your other children are much older and you’re early 40s - I think you’ll massively regret it if you stay with him & maybe even gave the baby. You’d be tied to him even if you split and he doesn’t sound like a reasonable person. I am older but with similarly aged kids - I could never go back to baby days even if I was 8 years younger, but obviously that is your choice as it’s your body.

Oh god OP. I felt sick reading your recent posts. Please leave this horrible childish rapey literal wanker. You deserve so much better.

This is very sad OP. If something needs to be terminated it´s your relationship with this very nasty person. Choose your children, put them first, including the one that hasn´t been born yet and get rid of your partner, for your sanity and your children´s sanity. He is grinding you down.
I wish you the best.

The thing is you don’t love HIM. Not the man who treats you this way. And that is who and what he is. He degrades you. Belittles you. You are a receptacle.

You love the idea of being loved. You want to be loved. Which is a human need and reaction. BUt he is never going to love you. Or even respect you.

And the longer you keep him around the less likely you are to find a good decent man who WILL love you. And tying yourself to him with a baby will just prolong the agony.

Without him you are at a fantastic stage of life. I know you are grieving for your parents and grief makes us do odd things sometimes. But hard as it seems you will feel better.

Your children are at a stage where they are becoming more independent. You mentioned an inheritance. You may have some financial freedom that you haven’t had before. Please don’t tie yourself to this horrible specimen of a man and potentially lose your independence.

Think of what you can do with it. New home? Fab holiday for you all once we can all travel again? Some security for you all.

Your life will be so much brighter without him. Without a man who uses you. A man who is totally lacking in empathy. In respect. In humanity.

He is not the love you want. He will never ever be capable of love. Just sex. Using you for sex.

You are worth so much more. So much more.

Thank you xxx

@SVRT19674

This is very sad OP. If something needs to be terminated it´s your relationship with this very nasty person. Choose your children, put them first, including the one that hasn´t been born yet and get rid of your partner, for your sanity and your children´s sanity. He is grinding you down. I wish you the best.

You don’t get to tell her what to do about this pregnancy, especially since she’s indicated that she doesn’t WANT to keep this one

I hope you are Ok OP and I hope you get the strength to kick him out.
Any more blackmail from his family tell them his disgusting sexual habits.
As has already been said he's a cocklodger. He's taking your home, your money, your body, your self esteem. Baby or not he needs to go and you deserve better.

@woooooohhhhhh I hope you are ok and that you feel able to move on in a positive way for you whatever the results of your scan show.

OP, you sound incredibly vulnerable right now, most likely still grieving the loss of your parents and now dealing with this pregnancy, as well as the abuse from your partner.

He lives with you in your house, right? He has no rights to the house?
He works part time? Is that out of the house or WFH?

If it were me, next time he left for work I would change the locks, pack his stuff and either leave it outside or take it to his mum's. Then call and tell him you need some space and he's not to come back to yours.

I think you will only be able to think more clearly when he is not around.

good luck xx