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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hope for the worst re pregnancy :(

349 replies

woooooohhhhhh · 28/02/2021 20:57

So sorry if this is sensitive 😭

Be kind. I'm 40, divorcee.

Ok early pregnancy and I'm exhausted 😭I specifically told me partner last night I was exhausted- I had been for an east scab due to a suspected ectopic pregnancy and I have to go back In 10 days. Still no further forward. I suffered a previous pregnancy as ectopic. This morning I woke early to find him grinding against my back- it's was before 7am and he instigated sex which at first I told him I was still tired and then I caved in.

Later I went out and bought some lovely food and drinks and cooked and then 5 mins before everything was due to be ready I said I wanted to go and watch something that started on tv and could he finish off and bring the food through. He kicked off and stormed out. Now he's disappeared ...again.1

I am too old for this bull shit. So although I adore my kids and don't want a termination...I just don't know how I can move forward here.

I love him. I love my children. But I'm fed up of carrying everything for everyone else.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 04/03/2021 18:26

It would be a no go for me with a man like this. Do you think that he will suddenly become the perfect partner when you have a new little baby to take care of. You have to think about yourself, despite what you obviously feel about your partner.

Original poster
woooooohhhhhh · 04/03/2021 18:28

Before I leave I want to thank everyone- even the 'harsh' ones - and I'll take time now to think and clear my head. I'll also come back and update after the scan. Thank you again 🙏🏼

OP posts:
Gassylady · 04/03/2021 18:29

Goodness imagine if your daughter was to tell you that she has a new partner she loves him. He must love her too because he wakes her up wanting sex and doesn’t take no for answer and uses her to masturbate over. I’m sure you’d be delighted for her - wouldn’t you? I’m sure you’d be thrilled to think she would be dealing with this lovely partner for the next 18 years. I’m sure you couldn’t imagine a nicer father for your grandchild. Just think about it 2& years of dealing with him and his manipulative mother.

cakewench · 04/03/2021 18:35

Ignore his mother, her opinion doesn't matter.

To be honest, I'm trying to be nice, but maybe just make a list of what exactly he has going for him? Because you keep saying "I can't help it, I love him" but maybe you need to write down just what it is you love about him?

Because if it's just that he's a man shaped being in your life, you can find another one of those. You're in a good position, owning your own house, with older children (ok subject to change :D) you can get out and date easily again.

This situation just sounds so miserable, I'm really sorry OP.

BlueThistles · 04/03/2021 18:38

Read the Freedom Programme...

do it for You OP 🌺

WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly · 04/03/2021 18:42

Why did you tell him you were considering a termination? What did you think that would achieve?

Tell him you've had a miscarriage / the pregnancy was ectopic, have a termination and then dump him. You don't need his permission for a termination and he's hardly going to provide you with emotional support; he'd only use it to emotionally blackmail you and make you feel shit. Fuck his mum too.

Bluetrews25 · 04/03/2021 18:51

OP, if you have the strength to keep going after losing both your parents (and sincerely sorry for your loss there) then you have the strength to go it 'alone' with the support of your lovely young adults.
He is at the very least sexually assualting you. At worst, you could say it is rape. He's certainly degrading you.
It is very distressing to read of what he is doing to you. That does not mean you should stop offloading or go away from the thread. There will be a lot of people out there like me who are hoping that you can manage to break free of this abusive relationship. It is abusive. You maybe just cannot see it yet.
Wishing you strength to your very core.
Flowers

Original poster
woooooohhhhhh · 04/03/2021 18:56

Why did you tell him you were considering a termination? What did you think that would achieve?

Initially it was letting him know that in fact he could have children. Then just the thought of his feelings and that this is his baby too. I didn't think of what I could achieve.

OP posts:
Hardcoresoftie · 04/03/2021 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CheltenhamLady · 04/03/2021 18:59

@WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly

Why did you tell him you were considering a termination? What did you think that would achieve?

Tell him you've had a miscarriage / the pregnancy was ectopic, have a termination and then dump him. You don't need his permission for a termination and he's hardly going to provide you with emotional support; he'd only use it to emotionally blackmail you and make you feel shit. Fuck his mum too.

This is good advice OP. If you allow him/his family to know the details they will probably bombard you with condemnation and you do not need to expose yourself to that.

At 40, with an almost grown-up family, your own house and a good job the world is at your feet. Get rid of this obnoxious man and search for someone worthy of you.

There is a thread on here about a husband being 'snappy' the writer of that thread is Russian and she has an incredible amount of self-esteem and demands her husband treats her like a queen. She has been berated for it, but actually, she should be celebrated for knowing her own worth.

Please OP, believe that you deserve more and set out to get it. Set a great example for your daughter.

WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly · 04/03/2021 19:00

I understand that's why you told him you were pregnant, but why would you tell him now that you're thinking of having a termination? You say he is 'persuasive', so please don't give him any ammunition to use against you.

You don't need to justify your decision to him, or discuss it with him beforehand. Your body is under the control of a dictatorship (you!) And he doesn't get a vote.

AgathaAllAlong · 04/03/2021 19:08

OP this is my first ever MN LTB - seriously, LTB. Now. He is a sexual abuser. He is literally abusing you. You will be fine on your own, you have a family with your lovely grown up children and it's a family that does not need this vile excuse of a man in it. You are financially secure. Get out, the sooner the better. (Even if you are pregnant and even if you keep the pregnancy!)

BlueThistles · 04/03/2021 19:18

@woooooohhhhhh

Why did you tell him you were considering a termination? What did you think that would achieve?

Initially it was letting him know that in fact he could have children. Then just the thought of his feelings and that this is his baby too. I didn't think of what I could achieve.

TBH it sounds like it's ONLY his feelings that are being catered too in this relationship.. ONLY his sexual needs ... ONLY his wants needs and wishes....

and OP you are catering to every whim

Original poster
woooooohhhhhh · 04/03/2021 19:24

Yes.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 04/03/2021 19:24

Regardless of wether you keep the baby I would dump him.

birdglasspen · 04/03/2021 19:53

He wanted sex with you although you may be having an ectopic pregnancy? That's really not ok. My DH won't have sex with me fullstop the minute I find out I'm pregnant even though he's been assured it is ok! I think he is very unthoughtful.

Throckmorton · 04/03/2021 20:00

He is abusive. He is setting you up to be trapped with him by making you pregnant. He will then become more abusive. Red red flags for all sorts of ramping up of abuse from this bastard.

Original poster
woooooohhhhhh · 04/03/2021 20:10

But when I said it was not thoughtful he wanked over me.

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 04/03/2021 20:15

He doesn't actually care what you say... you see this OP.. either way he was having sex by whichever method he could... whether that was appropriate or comfortable or acceptable for you really didn't matter to him...

this is the pattern of your relationship... He gets his way... or he walks out ...

OP you have children in the home.. this is THEIR home and their Mum he is treating like shit.. this is their safe haven... that has been invaded by a man who is abusing their Mum behind closed doors ...

can you not see this OP... you are feeding and I bet clothing him.. putting a roof over his head.. meeting ALL his sexual demands...

tell us what he brings to the home that makes you choose him 🌺

RandomMess · 04/03/2021 20:17

This man is so awful, so calculated, so abusive 😢

Lilymossflower · 04/03/2021 20:30

You will be so so so so so much better on your own Flowers please seek support, read up about domestic/emotional abuse, see if the HV have any resources that can help, online groups, freedom programe, there's groups on facebook about emotional and narcissistic abuse, you are worth it and can get out of this. Also you are well in your rights for a termination if that's what you choose and you should push for it if so

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/03/2021 20:50

He hates you.

But you love him.

BoredOfCbeebies · 04/03/2021 20:59

I'm so sorry you're in this position. I lost my parents before I was 40, so I know how tough that can be, but don't let this man be any sort of replacement for love and affection - because he's the opposite. His behaviour sounds absolutely vile.
I think it's worth pointing out that every single person is telling you to get rid of him, that's pretty rare. You just need to find the courage to do it, and show your children you deserve and expect more from a relationship. Please be brave OP, you deserve so much better than this.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 04/03/2021 21:01

This isn't love op.

You are vulnerable and he's latched on.

Given what your daughter said to you, it's clear she's got the measure of the situation.

Can you ask him for space and to go hone to mummy?

babbaloushka · 04/03/2021 21:05

Good luck OP, I hope you can terminate and leave this POS for someone who deserves you. PP saying your DC are learning this is ok are clearly wrong, given what you've told us your daughter's views are. Leave him and let him impregnate someone else if he wants kids that badly.

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