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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To mind that DSS wants to have children so they can go to the wedding?

271 replies

snowisfallingallaroundus · 28/02/2021 18:01

I suddenly feel old and judgy and didn't think I was.

DSS has been with girlfriend for a number of years. Lovely couple. Bought a house together last year and now announcing they are planning to start a family. Great. They then start saying they want a family before having a wedding as it would be more fun for the kids to be in attendance and involved.

I've surprised myself at my reaction. I've said nothing to them (and never would) but in my head I'm going WTF. House, kids then marriage? If marriage is important do it before children. You don't deliberately plan it the other way. Oddly them not getting married but having children didn't elicit any reaction in me.

AIBU? Am I old and out of touch? Is this how things are done now? Any insights into why I'm feeling such a reaction?

OP posts:
VinylDetective · 28/02/2021 22:24

It seems pretty rum to me but then I’m old too. The older I get, the more I feel as if I’ve stepped through the looking glass.

iPhonie · 28/02/2021 22:34

Bastard & illegitimate children - what are some of you posters on?!
We are in 2021...

RickiTarr · 28/02/2021 22:37

@VinylDetective

It seems pretty rum to me but then I’m old too. The older I get, the more I feel as if I’ve stepped through the looking glass.
I could understand that comment much better if we were discussing politics, the effects of the internet, climate change or pandemics.

The timing of marriages doesn’t sound like a “through the looking glass” issue to me. Just a matter of preference, with maybe some religious or family influence.

UrAWizHarry · 28/02/2021 22:38

@Ericaequites

Planning to have a child out of wedlock just sounds horrible.
Whereas people judging unmarried parents are complete peaches. Apparently this thread is mumsnet's 19th century subforum.
Commonwasher · 28/02/2021 22:41

I was planning to do that too. Wanted to have kids then get married, but it turns out I am traditional too — just let them find their own way. Interfering (if you were intending to) is unlikely to end well.

EachBleachBlairTrump · 28/02/2021 22:44

I wanted to be married before we had children because I wanted the wedding and honeymoon I wanted, one last hurrah. I know that's not for everyone, but now having DC I would've ended up with a quick do in a registry office and whilst that's fine, in a very social extrovert person and not what I would've really wanted at all, but the sensible part of me wouldn't have been same to justify spending the money on something for me rather than DC. I also really wanted to marry my husband and had been diagnosed with fertility issues, so if we'd waited we could've waited a very long time, as it transpired conception was much quicker than any doctor had anticipated.

Emeraldshamrock · 28/02/2021 22:47

But it's better to rush into having children together? I'd rather rush into a marriage and divorce that tie myself to someone for life having had babies with them. It is not good to rush into anything.
You could have DC or get pregnant during the rush marriage you'd be tied to them with DC married or not.
We done it backwards too, we're getting married next year with DD and DS.
We're both working poor so not much to protect it is fine, i've a small inheritance due maybe I shouldn't marry. Grin

RickiTarr · 28/02/2021 22:49

I think @Ericaequites is posting for maximum reaction, bless her old socks.

ThatWasThat · 28/02/2021 23:31

I wonder if they just said that to get you off their backs about an imminent wedding

Emeraldshamrock · 01/03/2021 00:08

I wonder if they just said that to get you off their backs about an imminent wedding Makes sense actually. 👏

SandyY2K · 01/03/2021 00:44

It does sound odd even in this day and age to plan it that way, but people do strange things these days.

VinylDetective · 01/03/2021 01:05

I could understand that comment much better if we were discussing politics, the effects of the internet, climate change or pandemics

That’s because you’re half my age @RickiTarr. Our life experience is very different.

Ericaequites · 01/03/2021 01:19

My mother was a bastard in a very small town, and she never got over it. Why not give your child every benefit possible?

FlyNow · 01/03/2021 01:46

I'm with you OP. It's not about being judgy even, it's just a bit silly. I don't mind what order people do things or whether they do them at all. But planning an important legal decision around getting to dress your kid up in a little outfit (that they will hate)?

Do you wait until you have all your kids? But then what if there was an unplanned pregnancy? Better wait until they are old enough to remember, so teens at least. Oh, teens aren't excited about weddings - "boring, and mum and dad kissing = gross!". Better wait until they are adults. Oh damn, they are travelling now and have busy lives, they don't really care, hmm.

What's next, holding off buying a house until your grandchildren are born and old enough to give their opinion on the property?

FlyNow · 01/03/2021 01:51

It's just so shallow. For the pictures? Family photography is a thing, hire someone to take your family pics every year if you like. Plus if it's for the pictures, don't forget you'd be 10-20 years older by the time the wedding happens....

Happynewtier · 01/03/2021 02:01

It's a completely legitimate choice. You can get married at any stage in your life, there's a a much smaller window of opportunity (at least a desirable one anyway) for women in which to have children. After saving hard and buying a house, having to immediately start saving and planning all over again for a wedding, knowing it could take a good few years, often then gets put on hold while the couple have children, knowing they will marry at a later date. I don't see the problem? I know in most instances, women are better protected once married, but not everyone is a cynic who only gets married to protect themselves financially. My and OH have been together 16 years, on our third house together, and have two DC (both planned thanks). Marriage has been put on the back burner while we've been busy with house renovations, relocations, and raising our babies, but we're due to get hitched later this year. Not for any reason other than we love each other unconditionally, and now feels right for us. In our mid 20's we were both very ready and keen to have a baby, and knowing a wedding right then would have put those plans on hold for a couple of years, made us choice to have our kids first. Wouldn't change the way we've done things for the world, and extremely happy to have our kids at our wedding, celebrating and declaring our love and life as a family together.

breadbinbaby · 01/03/2021 02:37

I suppose there’s a chance that some people might not put their dad’s/father in law’s wife at the top of their list of people to bring into their inner confidences regarding their life decisions. Especially if that dad’s/father in law’s wife is quite an unpleasantly judgemental person.

Graciebobcat · 01/03/2021 03:18

YANBU. It is the wrong way round and it's daft to plan it that way.

Sapho47 · 01/03/2021 03:20

@RickiTarr

AIBU? Am I old and out of touch? Is this how things are done now? Any insights into why I'm feeling such a reaction?

Perfectly legitimate choice. Up to them.

If this is uncharacteristically judgmental of you maybe Covid is getting to you?

Oh no Ricki! It looks like the covids getting to you too!!!Shock
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 01/03/2021 10:00

@FlyNow

It's just so shallow. For the pictures? Family photography is a thing, hire someone to take your family pics every year if you like. Plus if it's for the pictures, don't forget you'd be 10-20 years older by the time the wedding happens....
It's an excuse (that men usually make) when they don't really wanted to get married at all
Shnuffles · 01/03/2021 10:24

I'd know it was none of my business, but I would have an opinion, which I would then keep to myself. I don't see the point of getting married at all, if you intentionally have children years before the wedding. At that point, why not just have a big, expensive party? Why call it a wedding? (Again, I'd never say that to anyone irl.)

People are free to please themselves, but personally, I think you either make the commitment or you don't, and the wedding is the traditional way of expressing and celebrating that commitment publicly. Having a wedding when you've already been committed to one another for years and have had your children is a little like buying a house, living in it for a decade, then inviting everyone around for a bbq so you can give them a tour of your "new" home, smiling as everyone oohs and ahhs and congratulates you on what you've now owned for years. Imo, that's what "vow renewals" and anniversary parties are for, if you're so inclined.

And that's ignoring the "legal protection" aspect of marriage.

FlyNow · 01/03/2021 10:28

Exactly james, it's just a new excuse for the marriage averse to use to stay in relationships with marriage wanters.

Some of the old excuses are now out of date, like "I'm afraid of commitment" (too cliche), "I'm waiting for marriage equality" (it's here) and "it's just a piece of paper" (increasing awareness of the legal side). I guess they had to come up with some new ones.

GreenWillow · 01/03/2021 10:52

@iPhonie

Bastard & illegitimate children - what are some of you posters on?! We are in 2021...
The law is not though, that is firmly wedged in the early 1970s
HairboStrawb · 01/03/2021 11:02

Me and Dp are getting married in 2023, we will have been together almost 13 years and will have a 4 year old and probably a 1 year old. We have been engaged 4 years and we were due to get married this year.

We were always going to have DC first and then get married!

breadbinbaby · 01/03/2021 11:16

Do the people that ‘don’t see the point’ of getting married if you already have children also think marriages between couples who never have children are pointless?

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