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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My friend’s kids make me not want my own

301 replies

Undecided123456 · 28/02/2021 13:49

I may get called a witch for this, and judged as not being cut out for motherhood - can you give me some perspective?

I have a varied group of friends with kids of different ages (babies to early teens). I am thinking about starting a family but I am having serious doubts

More recently I have been spending time with friends with younger kids and as more meet ups are suggested I find I am not looking forward to them. The kids don’t listen, they are demanding and bossy, whiny and unreasonable. The parents shout a lot and/or continually appeasing demands. I know parenting is tough, so is this just how it is? Juggling small rude dictators? Or am I only seeing a particular way of life?

Recent meet ups leave me cold, there seems little joy in it all, just trudging through with ‘it will be better when they’re at nursery/school/out of nappies/sleeping/grown out of xyz’

Am I just a non maternal person, better off out of it?

OP posts:

Original poster

Undecided123456 · 01/03/2021 13:56

Please be assured, I have no feelings of superiority!

I am here asking for anonymous information as it’s quite difficult to broach this subject with friends without there being potential for causing offence.

I see that parenting is hard, and understand the pandemic exacerbates the situation. I just wanted to see how my worries check out with people with direct experience

FWIW - I don’t have time to wait if I decide children are for me which is ramping up the need to validate my thoughts/make a decision. The responsibility for another’s life is so huge, I wouldn’t want to get it wrong. Children deserve to be loved and nurtured, if I wasn’t up to it because it’s not for me, I would feel terrible guilt.

I am grateful for everyone’s honesty - thank you

OP posts:

reader12 · 01/03/2021 14:06

I wouldn’t worry about finding other people’s children annoying. Some kids are really annoying and —most— some parents let them behave like arseholes without noticing how awful they are. I wouldn’t let your feelings about those kids trouble you, it’s not a clue into how you will feel about your own.

If you have an animal yearning in your gut to have your own kids, go for it. If you don’t, maybe skip it. They are insanely hard work, to a level that can almost destroy you, and utterly wonderful, at the same time.

rawalpindithelabrador · 01/03/2021 14:09

If I had to do it over again, I'd have had none.

reader12 · 01/03/2021 14:10

Also it doesn’t have to feel like drudgery. The first year definitely can, but after that it gets easier and more fun. It does sound like the parents in your friendship group are making quite heavy weather of it. Lockdown has been very hard on kids & families so that could have a lot to do with it if the whole business just looks miserable.

OliverBabish · 01/03/2021 14:11

I’ve just given myself over to chaos.

Good luck whatever you decide! Life can be good with or without kids (financially better off without of course!)

dontdisturbmenow · 01/03/2021 14:11

I have friends with kids I can't stand. Spoilt, rude (in totally ignoring me even when I bring them something and ask questions kindly). Another one has kids so hyper, I had to bite my tongue to tell them to pack it in. Then I had friends with kids who belt my heart.

The truth is your kids are to large extent what you make of them, at least until teenage years. You also have months and years to get used to them.

minipie · 01/03/2021 14:12

I love my kids, but in my next life I’m sticking to cats.

OP my advice on these should I have kids threads is always - don’t, unless you feel an overwhelming urge to have children, and therefore will not be happy without kids. If you feel you could be perfectly happy without kids, then go with that.

Stompythedinosaur · 01/03/2021 14:13

It sounds like you just don't like kids that much. There's nothing wrong with that, you don't have to have them.

It does sound a bit like you are judging your friends as being poor parents, which I think is less reasonable. I imagine their dc are just regular dc.

lazylinguist · 01/03/2021 14:13

Don't worry about the fact that you find other people's kids annoying. I think almost everybody does. But honestly, not all kids are rude little tyrants who hit you and pull your hair! Mine were never like that. Parenting them has not been a chore.

MacDuffsMuff · 01/03/2021 14:20

@Undecided123456

Please be assured, I have no feelings of superiority!

I am here asking for anonymous information as it’s quite difficult to broach this subject with friends without there being potential for causing offence.

I see that parenting is hard, and understand the pandemic exacerbates the situation. I just wanted to see how my worries check out with people with direct experience

I am grateful for everyone’s honesty - thank you

@Undecided123456 Why would you think you wouldn't be up to it? I was genuinely shocked by how I felt about DS when he was born, it was nothing like I'd felt before. From someone who really didn't want kids, to well if it happens it happens, to if you harm a hair on his head I will rip your head off.

I remember that I worried constantly for months that I wouldn't love DD quite as much as I loved DS. I couldn't see how it was possible to love someone else quite that much and I remember just before she was born thinking that I will love this baby enough and I'll be able to hide that I love DS that little bit more and felt terrible for even thinking that. It was completely different when she was born - I loved her every single bit as much and that overwhelming strength of feeling was just there. I'm not saying it's like that for everyone, I know that it's not, but I can only tell you of my own experiences. Mine are 17 and 14 now and I'm grateful for them every single day.

DropDTuning · 01/03/2021 14:21

I'm going to go against the grain here OP. I don't think you should have children. I don't think you like them very much and there is nothing wrong with that.

Drunkenmonkey · 01/03/2021 14:44

OP I can't stand other people's kids. It is totally different when they are your own. Still annoying whiny dictators and it's hard a lot of the time, but God do you love them.
You also tuck them in at night, cuddle them, watch their personalities develop, snuggle on the sofa with them and so much more. There are so many 'wow' moments and moments of total adoration.
Honestly, I was so unmaternal before I had kids. Even now, I'm not a kid person but I adore mine, I don't even want to be away from them for a single weekend, my DS is 4.5 and such a character, he cracks me up. I'm so glad I had a family and excited for the years ahead.

buckerrucker · 01/03/2021 15:44

A real killer is the enormous worry that children are. The total anguish if one of them doesn't come home from school when they were expected to and doesn't answer their phone, etc.
And we have to send them out into the world that we have made - with global warming and all the rest. I wouldn't do it now.

Pesimistic · 01/03/2021 16:49

I only like my own children and very few others. Of course your own children can be annoying sometimes and hard work but most of the time they are a pleasure to have around and make life exciting and fun

Woadicea · 01/03/2021 17:29

I really sympathise with your dilemma OP. I too didn't really care for children when I was around them and couldn't really see why people would want them!

Then I met my DW who really wanted children. She wanted at least 2. I was ambivalent about having any at all and eventually we compromised on 1. I love my DD and can relate to all the posters who talk about the overwhelming love you experience, despite how annoying she can be!

I never had that deep yearning to have children that I know some people experience and I think my life would have been just as fulfilled without a child as with one.

whittingtonmum · 01/03/2021 17:31

If you have doubts I would not have kids. It's hard work and it's easier (& fairer on the kid) if you really wanted it.

Onedropbeat · 01/03/2021 17:34

I found he kids I enjoyed spending time with before having my own were treated very differently by the parents than the kids that were awfully rude dictators that I wouldn’t want to spend time with

When I decided to have children myself I had learnt from some of those examples which helped me have some idea of the way I wanted to treat my own children to ensure people didn’t dread being in their presence

CeCeDrake · 01/03/2021 17:36

I honest to god can’t hack other peoples kids! I have a 7 and 2 yr old, there are day’s when they break me but it’s been years of them making me! They make me strong, determined, happy, and honestly they are joy itself in human form. Some days I go to the park and bark orders like hitler himself and others like today, I run about, and have the most fun I’ve had all month and can’t wipe the smile of my stupid smug face for making such wee creatures!

godmum56 · 01/03/2021 17:40

I am childless not by choice. Do I miss having kids? not one iota.

TinselTinsel · 01/03/2021 17:42

I voted YANBU because you're judging kids from what you can see , however, you may parent a completely different way and not experience the same demands that your friends do.

I'm past the age of having more kids now but I still love spending tome with my friends toddlers and I miss those special times but not enough to have any more!

jentinquarantino20 · 01/03/2021 17:48

It’s different when it’s your own child(ren). Yes they are dictators, pains in the arses in public, loud, messy etc but you would have love for them. I remember being disgusted n my childless stage at my friends house, it was vile haha but the tables have turned now. Her kids are older and sensible, mine not yet.

Mirinska · 01/03/2021 17:51

You’ll be fine because you know what behaviour you don’t want so you won’t bring your children up like that. Good routines, plenty of sleep and healthy diet and firm and fair boundaries. Experience with other children, learning to give, share, help out, defer gratification, take responsibility and feel proud of themselves for doing little jobs and feeling needed and appreciated as a member of a family however constituted. Let them have freedom to play creatively with other children and on their own without adult intervention. Minimise screen time and go outside for lots of physical activity in fresh air. Let them explore nature with wonder without trying to instruct them. Give lots of love, hugs and positive attention. You do not have to accept rude and whiny behaviour though check it’s not from cold, hunger, tiredness or being under the weather. Your children will be happy and you’ll adore them. They’ll also be less anxious if not being the centre of adoring indulgent parenting or treated as an extension of a parents ego eg the regular referencing of a child’s achievements puts a lot of pressure on children to perform. Children will learn from your example so if you keep calm, positive and polite they will be like that too. Aside from the two year old tantrums and teenage phases, childhood is an utter joy to be around and never dull. Good luck!

pollymere · 01/03/2021 17:54

My friend once compared babies to dirty knickers. Fine when it's your own but you don't want to deal with other people's.

Don't fret if you really don't want them though. In these modern times having a vagina does not automatically mean you must want kids. Do what you feel comfortable with.

User1511 · 01/03/2021 17:56

I don’t like other people’s kids either. Can’t get enough of my own though.

Imapotato · 01/03/2021 17:56

Other peoples children are nearly all annoying brats! My own are awesome. I mean they’re still annoying, but it’s different when you made them.

My kids are now teens, I actually don’t mind most of their friends. Teens can be good fun when they’re not being stroppy pains in the arse. Other people’s snotty little kids on the other hand, no thank you. Horrible little grot bags the lot of them!

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