My friend’s kids make me not want my own

[Undecided123456]

I may get called a witch for this, and judged as not being cut out for motherhood - can you give me some perspective?

I have a varied group of friends with kids of different ages (babies to early teens). I am thinking about starting a family but I am having serious doubts

More recently I have been spending time with friends with younger kids and as more meet ups are suggested I find I am not looking forward to them. The kids don’t listen, they are demanding and bossy, whiny and unreasonable. The parents shout a lot and/or continually appeasing demands. I know parenting is tough, so is this just how it is? Juggling small rude dictators? Or am I only seeing a particular way of life?

Recent meet ups leave me cold, there seems little joy in it all, just trudging through with ‘it will be better when they’re at nursery/school/out of nappies/sleeping/grown out of xyz’

Am I just a non maternal person, better off out of it?

[StrangeLookingParasite]

because it's a lot easier to imagine being strict than the reality of actually doing it with the person you love most in the world.

This is one of those things that males me think I'm an unnatural mother. I never had this um, sentimental feeling. I've seen what being too soft does to other people's children, and I'm not at all interested in that outcome. Perhaps I'm a terrible cold wench.

But having children is one experience. Yes, there is nothing like it, and if you don't you won't know what its like. But I'll never know what it's like to be a ballerina. That's another experience. I won't even be a surgeon, and so on.
I think there are too many people who believe having children is the best thing you can do (my husband had a friend at one point who said that having children was 'the most creative thing a woman could do'. God he was a dick). I think it's one thing we can do. I don't think it's for everyone, and that is just fine.

[OhCaptain]

@SecretSpAD

Why is it that parents can say they don't like any children but their own and it's excused as normal, but when a childfree person says they don't like children they are viewed as a monster

Are they?

[Stompythedinosaur]

I don't think anyone thinks people who don't like dc are a monster. I think expecting dc to be silent and invisible (rather than a normal part of society) or being unkind to a dc are unreasonable. Disliking them is fine - I dislike lots of people.

[SecretSpAD]

Why is it that parents can say they don't like any children but their own and it's excused as normal, but when a childfree person says they don't like children they are viewed as a monster

[Cockermummy88]

I had a baby because my partners “boyvaries” were twitching. He was so fed up of me waiting to be “ready”. I would NEVER have been ready believe me! I knew I would want them some day and couldn’t see a life without them, but making it happen was a scary reality and I knew I would probably be crap at it and hate most of it. But...By the time they are old enough to begin their dictatorship, you will love them for a million reasons.

[Fatandfifty49]

Another thing to consider is that you are not just having a small child but a potential adult and your relationship will evolve over the years. Just because you are not keen on small children, it doesn't mean you won't have a good relationship with them as adults.

The very worst things i found was the 24/7 nature of it and the discipline- repeating yourself over and over....

[Middersweekly]

Lol yes small children are basically little dictators who rob your sleep! I have 4 DC and much preferred them after age 6. I also adored them as babies up to around 18 months which duped me into having more! They are actually quite lovely aged between 6-10 then hormones kick in and by 12/13 well...the conversations you have with them will change dramatically and suddenly you’re wondering where the sweet innocent 10yr old went! Basically it changes your life in many different ways. Some for the better and some for the worse. Also I just about abide other people’s kids as long as they’re polite and well mannered.

[Sunshine1922]

Juggling rude dictators pretty much sums it up.

The more you have the louder and more dictatorial they become because you have less time to train the individual child.

I have 3 kids and have completely lost control during the pandemic. Trying my best but they are so rude and frustrated at the moment and I'm out of parenting brilliance.

Do not have children unless you really want them. It's a lifetime of work and worry, you have to seriously commit.

Too many people sleep walk into it (like me) because everyone has kids.

I love mine, but if I had properly considered what it would entail, I wouldn't have gotten started.

Plus t never gets easier, just different kinds of hard. I hate the baby hard, along with pandemic hard!

[MessAllOver]

@Titsywoo. I agree 100%. I'm in that stage atm. I like my DS (as well as loving him, of course) and I like all of his little friends, many of whose parents are much better at parenting than me! But the luxury of being able to dump the kids and go for a child-free coffee or drink is amazing. Children, young ones especially, take up so much of your mental energy and attention when you're around them that there isn't a lot left over for anyone else. That's fine with a similarly distracted parent of young children, but not great for a friend who is actually listening to you and giving you their full attention and you can't reciprocate.

[Titsywoo]

I adore my kids and love being around them but I am less keen on seeing my friends younger kids (the teens are all great fun). I think it's not that I don't like the kids though - if I babysat them I'd have good fun with them - it's that when I am with my friends I want to chat to them and with younger kids you get constantly interuppted which is annoying. If my kids were also young it wouldn't annoy me but mine are teenagers now so I've mentally erased all of that!

[MessAllOver]

Simple solution. Make sure you're parenting doesn't produce rude dictators. In the majority of cases, it's that simple

Thus conveniently ignoring the fact that parenting is an ongoing process and you tend only to see the finished product at age 18 or even later.

Most children aren't "rude dictators" the whole time. Even the best-behaved child has their moments. My DS is usually quite laid-back and easy-going, but a growth spurt and some sleepless nights can tip him into the 'screaming tyrant' camp.

[AegonT]

My daughter has her moments but we've been pretty strict with her unlike our siblings with their kids who seem to be able to get away with anything and are rarely corrected - they're nightmares to look after! I generally don't like hanging out with my friends' kids - they constantly interrupt and the parents just answer them straight away even if it is unimportant instead of telling them to wait.

[MadMadaMim]

Juggling small rude dictators

Simple solution. Make sure you're parenting doesn't produce rude dictators. In the majority of cases, it's that simple

[majesticallyawkward]

Juggling small rude dictators

Summed it up in one.

I do find when I'm out or with other people I'm more likely to give in to demands for an easier ride. I'm aware no one else wants to deal with my kids meltdown so try to avoid it which means giving in to things I may not have done at home (mainly snacks with the toddler, he's always wanting snacks and can't talk yet so it's all squeaks and squeals).

Other people's kids are different to your own though, I'm not a naturally maternal person and don't particularly like other people's kids- especially when they are whingey, rude or loud! Not that I like mine when they do those things but it's easier to deal with. It's a huge commitment and I'd never encourage anyone not 100% sure to have to kids, it's hard, draining and stressful as well as all the good stuff.

[HunkyPunk]

When you meet up with friends after you've had your own, you'll just be overwhelmed with pride and smugness at how much more...... (pick any from - intelligent/ polite/ confident/ spirited/ kind/ full of character etc. - depending on how they behave) yours are than other peoples!

[ZenNudist]

Not only are they annoying but they are also hard work and your personality changes after looking after people all the time for too long and you feel worn down. By the time they have grown up most people seem to really relish life without dc. It's like banging your head on a wall, nice when it stops.

Also if you and DH are not maternal/ paternal then your dc may act up more. I'm not a natural parent of small dc so I don't always say the right bright and happy thing. I more talk to kids as adults so hopefully get on better with teens.

I take the attitude that it's a life experience I wanted. I would have felt very bored if all I had was work and social life to focus on. Life is long and children make it feel worthwhile, otherwise I leave nothing behind and make no mark. It's work but worth doing I feel.

It's not for everyone and for those who really don't care about having dc then it's a lovely life just looking after each other. Bit eggs in one basket for me. I'm hoping to have family to fall back on for connection when I'm older but its not guaranteed.

[anormalperson]

grapehyacinth small kids can be a pain in the ass of course but they get to about 3/4 and are hilarious little people. But yeah I think it comes down to you'll love your own so you'll get through it.

[GrapeHyacinth]

This standup routine about British discipline v Indian discipline by the comedian Sindhu Vee just popped up on FB and made me think of this thread. I find her really funny. Saw her on the Last Leg recently
fb.watch/3ZKyTImMQB/

[Oceanwaves2018]

Completely agree OP.
I was the last in my group of friends to have children due to fertility issues. This was a blessing as it made me realise deep down how I wanted to parent & I learned a huge amount at what I viewed as their mistakes, so I was determined I wouldn’t do xyz. Like others I don’t really have time for others kids, like you I did question whether I was actually making the right decision in having any at all. Parenting is tough, but, definitely worth it. I’m by no means the perfect parent, but, they have grown up ( in 20’s now) to be thoroughly decent young adults.

[GoodbyeRosie]

Yep, whiny, entitled dictators is a good description.

Wanting and kids is weird, theres no logical reason why you would ruin your life , but you do. I guess as humans some of us need that instinct, otherwise we would die out .

You will love your own kid, and the ones they choose as mates that keep yours occupied and entertained so you can have a life from time to time.

But yeah, they are arseholes...oh and dogs are worse, so don't compromise by getting one of those life thieves either.

[Mamanyt]

There is absolutely nothing wrong about deciding that motherhood is not for you. NOTHING. AT. ALL. The world would be a far, far better place if more women thought this out and reached that conclusion.

I knew early on that I am not a maternal sort, but was bullied into having two children. Yes, I love my boys (now well-grown) more than life itself. But I admit quite freely that although I would not take all the money in the world for my boys, neither would I give you a single piece of Monopoly money for another one just like either of them. Had I never known those boys could even exist in the world, and had never had children, I would have been just fine with that.

If you don't want children, don't have them. The only reason to have children is that you want to be a mother more than you want anything else in this world. There is no other "good" reason. Stick to your guns. And...should you change your mind, and deeply want to be a mother, DO THAT! Both ways of life, when they are choices, are valid and fulfilling.

[Jeremyironseverything]

Your own are very different to other people's brats. They just are!

[minipie]

@BlackeyedSusan

you do get some control over how you parent, but not the child that you get to parent. they may have additional needs or disabilities and yopur prefered parenting style is buggered by having to adapt to the child you got not the child you expected.

definitley worth it but ye gods it is hard work.

Yes, please don’t kid yourself that your kids will be perfect because you’ll be a perfect parent.

It’s about 90% nature 10% nurture, especially the baby and toddler years. Maybe a little more after that. Maybe 70/30.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

"The thing with having kids is you should really only have them if the thought of not having them is so devastating that it consumes your mind ALL THE TIME."

I don't agree with this entirely. I was ambivalent about having children - although aware that I would probably have been upset if I'd been told I couldn't have them - but me having them or not was dependent on what any partner I was with would want.

DH wanted kids, so we had 2. And I have to say that I am so glad I did - wouldn't be without them, even though they drive me nuts at times. I was scared I'd be a shit mum - and still am at times - but it's still one of the best things I've done.

I don't know how I'd have been if I got to this age and still had none, or a partner who didn't want kids, or was on my own - it's a real "trouserleg of time" thing, can't know a different reality.

But I still say you can't base your own feelings off other people's kids.

One of my best friends swore blind she never wanted kids - was a primary school teacher, too - but ended up having one child in her late 30s. I think sometimes you can believe fully that you don't want children for a long time but for some people that changes as you get older (NOT all - I also have childfree friends) and that's why doctors refuse to sterilise younger-than-30 women in nearly all cases.