My friend’s kids make me not want my own

[Undecided123456]

I may get called a witch for this, and judged as not being cut out for motherhood - can you give me some perspective?

I have a varied group of friends with kids of different ages (babies to early teens). I am thinking about starting a family but I am having serious doubts

More recently I have been spending time with friends with younger kids and as more meet ups are suggested I find I am not looking forward to them. The kids don’t listen, they are demanding and bossy, whiny and unreasonable. The parents shout a lot and/or continually appeasing demands. I know parenting is tough, so is this just how it is? Juggling small rude dictators? Or am I only seeing a particular way of life?

Recent meet ups leave me cold, there seems little joy in it all, just trudging through with ‘it will be better when they’re at nursery/school/out of nappies/sleeping/grown out of xyz’

Am I just a non maternal person, better off out of it?

I hate other people's kids. As bad as it is to say it I wasn't even fussed with my neice and nephew. I have 2 kids of my own and love them to bits and they don't annoy me the same way other people's kids do lol.

With a few exceptions, I very often found other people’s kids a PITA.

That didn’t change once I had my much- wanted own dds, who could never of course have been considered a PITA by anyone except an evil child hater. 😉

Kids are like farts OP, you can only ever tolerate your own

You should observe them in a place and situation made for them- they’re not great when in adult social situations and made to fit in/be quiet/ sit still/etc.

But yes- super hard work, all the time. Broken sleep. Life changed forever.

I have good parenting skills, I’m a teacher so have lots of behaviour management strategies, but mine are often ‘badly behaved’ or whine. That’s just kids.

LisaD76
'I actually miss the days when my daughter would sneak into my bed.'
Yes to this! My husband didn't like being squashed up in bed so our children would cuddle up on my half - one welded to each side of me and one curled around my feet. I moaned at them like mad, but I REALLY loved it!

I tolerate other people’s children. I adore my own.

If you think you would be fulfilled without children, don’t do it. I love mine dearly but I think I’d have been happy without children! But once you have them, there is no going back.
That said, some are worse than others. Some of my friends have delightful ones, others have awful ones. As for mine, well I’m the wrong person to know really - always better to get an outsiders view!

I agree with @Beverley71, almost:
“The thing with having kids is you should really only have them if the thought of not having them is so devastating that it consumes your mind ALL THE TIME.”

• maybe not quite to that extent, but there is a lot to be said for only having them if you definitely know you definitely want them.

Because it is really hard, and it can be really shit, and it does change your life and your relationship - being parents brings out different parts of your characters. You might be compatible as parents and you might not.

When people tell you what you will feel once you’ve had kids all they are really telling you is what they feel. If they can’t imagine anyone being happy without children that’s just because they lack of imagination.

It’s a tough one @Undecided123456 but make it your decision not what other people say you should do. No one has to have children. If you do have them then there will always be someone to share the joy / be a shoulder to cry on, on Mumsnet. (But then that’s also true if you don’t have children.)

@DwangelaForever

I hate other people's kids. As bad as it is to say it I wasn't even fussed with my neice and nephew. I have 2 kids of my own and love them to bits and they don't annoy me the same way other people's kids do lol.

I feel like this about my neice too and feel awful for it. Her behaviour is shocking and my sister doesn't handle it well at all, I really have to brace myself when they come over and have to plan to pretty much be out the house when they're here because her trashing of my house and their ineffective parenting just sends me into an anxious frenzy! She's 4, even my own 2 kids who are older and great with her get fed up and worn down. Other people's kids are a nightmare..... If they're coming for tea DH sorts them out as I have no patience with the food fussiness and bad table manners.

Yuck to the thought of having a baby and a toddler. Could just about tolerate the idea of a child. Then back round to panicking at the thought of a teenager! Other people’s kids terrify and disgust me for all the same reasons you described earlierI could never see myself being a mum as I am 0% maternal. I want kids but didn’t really know how/why/when?! Like one would just appear all trained up and angelic like. Anyways, I’ve just put DS to bedand he’s incredible. I’m so enthralled by everything that he does, and so proud that tolerance levels are so much higher! I’m like “look at him eat” whilst he’s smushing a sandwich in my hair. I grew him..and now he’s a little human being that can do things

Yep this is actually what it is like.
Did I know this beforehand? No, I learnt the hard way.
At least you have the opportunity to make an informed decision before you fall pregnant.

It is quite amazing that they start off as this little bundle of cells which you can't even see on a scan and then, just a few years later, they're elbowing you out of your own bed as you cling onto the side and they've taken over the TV with Cbeebies and other crap. At the weekend, you see all the other hostages parents in the freezing cold playground and you realise you're not the only one and it gives you comfort.

I'm suspicious you are one of my friends from the descriptions of your friends! In all seriousness my kids ARE whiney and hard work. Some days easier than others.

My 3yo can be delightful, sweet and gorgeous 90% of the time. Other days like today She has been hideous! My 6yo is really hard work. Possible undiagnosed SEN. our whole life revolves around her needs and keeping her calm/ in routine. She is delightful 10% of the time. They are in the same family but different personalities and needs.

I don't regret them, but life was a damn site easier being childfree.

I've got 3 DS's - 2, 7 and 11.
A lot of parenting is indeed pandering to tiny dictators. They get to a certain age and decide in their own heads that they are the boss of the entire house. Its hard work - annoying at times - exhausting - frustrating.
But it's also a joy to have children. To be completely enamoured with what you created - constantly surprised and overwhelmed with their achievements. To guide them through the difficult times.
It's a completely thankless job but the smiles - hugs - kisses - I love you's and overall sense of achievement from raising children GREATLY outweighs the negatives.
My 3 boys make me smile and laugh on a daily basis. They are kind, crazy, loving and out of this world amazing little people. Every day is different. Every moment an adventure. And just when I feel like I am totally failing as a parent; they flip the situation and surprise me with their wonderful generosity.
"I love you mummy" reassures me that having children was the best decision. For me.
I don't take any notice of what other people are doing with their children. It is your choice how to raise your own. Every family is different - what works for one; might not work for another.
Don't be out off by other people's drama or way of life. Family is what YOU make of it.

Hell no
No all children are rude, badly behaved etc. It’s how the parents raise them. You reap what you sow.

You might not like them all the time, but you will love them.

To a point @Deidre21

We’re all doing our best I guess, but whether “you reap what you sow” about behaviour is true or not you certainly get to beat yourself up thinking it must be. Feeling awful and guilty about what a bad / ineffective / horrible parent you are is just another thing to add to the list of parenthood. Hmm yes I can’t understand why anyone would hesitate!

Children are not arable crops.

I voted YABU, but only because I think you're looking at a very small part of parenting.

Fact is, having kids is hard and yes, they can be absolute arseholes. However, if you're around parents who are always shouting at their kids, it could be a good indicator of why they're behaving the way they are.
I've got 3 children, 1st at 16, 2nd at 24 and 3rd just last year at 34, and each time its different - every child is different.
I love my children dearly, but I dont always like them. I'm happy to spend time with my 3, but the thought of being with other peoples kids leave me cold.
In all honesty, you won't truly know until you've made the leap. Worrying about it is normal, but doubting it is something else. You dont owe society a child and it's not your duty to be a Mum.
Good luck with whatever you choose. X

My children are definitely not dictators and are well behaved generally. My nephew is very cheeky and breaks everything in sight. Children are all different l, same as adults l.. some are lovely some are dicks

Haven't RTFT but I just wanted to say that BEFORE kids become small rude dictators (an apt description at times of my 3yo son), they are first perfect, snuggly, cooing newborns, gurgling babies, toddlers lifting their arms up to you to be picked up, saying first words, taking first hesitant steps towards you, faces lighting up when they see you like you are the best thing in the entire universe ...

And therefore as many have said, by the time they do become small rude dictators you most probably love every atom of their being

I have three and it is HARD sometimes but my life is littered with these moments of joy which I would never trade for all the expensive dinners, lie-ins and leisure time in the world. (And I know what I'm missing, having had a very nice life pre-kids.)

@undecided123456 but you simply will love them. And they will sometimes be annoying. And loud. And don't listen. But they're actually just the best thing in the world and you'll never look back

Shortly after I wrote my message it was bedtime.
My 1YO was feeling a little cranky so I picked her up and she fell asleep on my chest peacefully within seconds, we had a 20 minute cuddle which I loved, before putting her down sound asleep.
On the flip side DH had the 4YO’s bedtime tonight, and she was like a fucking wild animal flailing about as she was overtired and wouldn’t put on her PJs, and wouldn’t stop screeching about how she ‘couldn’t sleep until the morning without insert random nonsense here’ - It’s a mixed bag this parenting malarkey.

If I had my time again I wouldn’t. Nothing, just nothing prepares you for the anguish of having kids dealt a rough hand in life.