My friend’s kids make me not want my own

[Undecided123456]

I may get called a witch for this, and judged as not being cut out for motherhood - can you give me some perspective?

I have a varied group of friends with kids of different ages (babies to early teens). I am thinking about starting a family but I am having serious doubts

More recently I have been spending time with friends with younger kids and as more meet ups are suggested I find I am not looking forward to them. The kids don’t listen, they are demanding and bossy, whiny and unreasonable. The parents shout a lot and/or continually appeasing demands. I know parenting is tough, so is this just how it is? Juggling small rude dictators? Or am I only seeing a particular way of life?

Recent meet ups leave me cold, there seems little joy in it all, just trudging through with ‘it will be better when they’re at nursery/school/out of nappies/sleeping/grown out of xyz’

Am I just a non maternal person, better off out of it?

[MrBullinaChinaShop]

If you don’t like the look of it, don’t do it. Being child free is a perfectly valid choice.
FWIW mine aren’t like you describe. Young children can be challenging as they haven’t yet learned to regulate their emotions and also aren’t aware of societal norms etc. Mine have always been fairly well behaved though, definitely no dictating or hair pulling.

[GintyMcGinty]

I have never really liked other peoples' children. Not that there is nothing wrong with them.

Its completely different with your own children, and nieces and nephews because you love them.

[Hailtomyteeth]

Your own are different. They're yours. But if you really don't feel like having children, don't.

[Spillanelle]

so is this just how it is? Juggling small rude dictators?

Haha. Yes, it can sometimes feel like that. But you love them, and they aren’t always like that, so it’s sort of okay in the end.

Seriously though, parenting is amazing and so rewarding, but can sometimes be really tough, and you very rarely get a break. So don’t feel pressured into having kids unless it’s what you really want.

[Aroundtheworldin80moves]

You definitely have more tolerance for you own.
The majority of kids are perfectly nice 90% of the time. But can turn into whiny troublesome dictators around other people.

[GrandDuchessRomanov]

You wouldn't say that if you had my DS15 OP. He has SLD along with many other issues and I have just spent the last 3 hours trying to gear myself up to give him a bath and haircut.

Fancy a swap?

[ooohbriefcase]

That's normal. I love my own. My friends kids are ok, some are nicer than others. Strangers kids? NOPE. I don't mind them, but if they come running around me, annoying me, touch the dog or be mean to my kids etc.... urgh just go away.

[ooohbriefcase]

I do like babies tho. They're always lovely. It's primary school age children I'm not keen on.

[grapewine]

You have to really want to have children in order for it to be worth it, I think. I never wanted it enough, so I didn't do it. The responsibility is immense. Being childfree is a perfectly valid choice.

[Raera]

Children are like farts - you don't mind your own

[iklboo]

I love DS but gods he was annoying at times when he was little.

[VinylDetective]

The first 18 years are the worst. Then, just as you start to enjoy having them around, the buggers leave home.

[ChristOnAPeloton]

It doesn’t last forever tho Undecided.

Small rude dictators do grow up eventually, and become big rude dictators instead.

You will find your own more bearable- parental instinct is very strong.

But it’s an entirely valid choice to just not want them, ever.

[PotteringAlong]

The kids don’t listen, they are demanding and bossy, whiny and unreasonable. The parents shout a lot and/or continually appeasing demands.

It’s almost as if there’s a global pandemic on, schools and nurseries have been shut to the majority and parents have, in a lot of cases, spent every waking hour with their children with no reprieve for 12 months. The children are fed up and whiny, the adults are fed up and whiny. Being pissed off with lockdown isn’t the preserve of adults, they just articulate it better.

[zafferana]

I never liked other people's DC either OP and yet I love my own. But even as a mum myself I MUCH prefer to meet up with my friends when our DC are at school. Your attitude is healthy and normal IMO. Just because you like someone doesn't mean you'll enjoy spending time with their DC, but don't let it colour your attitude to having DC yourself. Yes, it is hard work. Yes, DC can be a PITA, bossy, annoying, fussy and many other things, but if you want kids then you deal with all the shit and it's (mostly) worth it. I'm looking forward to mine going back to school though. The past year has been very hard indeed.

[Furrybutts]

My twopenneth for what it's worth.

I have never liked children, even when I was a child.
I could never understand why parents allowed them to be so entitled, why their needs were put above all else, why they were so selfish and impulsive and bad mannered etc, etc.

My ex DH married me knowing I would never want any.
6 months after our wedding I fell pregnant, while on an oral contraceptive that I took religiously.
I literally cried for weeks, as DH really wanted the baby, and had told his family and mine, so I didn't feel I had the option to abort.

Long story short, I found pregnancy easy, and loved being a mum.
My children were none of the things I disliked in other children ( or maybe they were but I was blind to it)
4 more children followed. I am a good, patient and loving mum. They are all adults now and they are my world.

I still don't like children and will avoid them at every opportunity. Often meaning I miss out on family events, but that's ok.
I've had ongoing counselling to get to the bottom of it, with has only had limited success.

My point is, that if I can raise and love a child, anyone can.

[Thebiggerthecoffeethebetter]

I understand. I love my nieces and nephews dearly, but if I imagine myself as a parent and the daily-ness of it at each stage...

What would it be like with a baby...
What would it be like with a toddler....
What would it be like with a five year old...
...eight years...
Teen....

I'm horrified! Horrified at the thought of what it would ACTUALLY entail each and every day.

I like the idea of an adult child who is a best friend though!

[TableFlowerss]

They can absolutely be little bad heads, but the love you feel for them is so immense that there should be anther separate word, for the love you have for your kids. It’s like no other love.

But yeah, sometimes you’d pay someone to take them when they are carrying on 😂

[mummydoingamasters]

You can love your kids and still find them annoying/rude/ungrateful/dictator-esque but if they're raised with morals, respect and manners they won't always be that way.

Other kids are definitely always worse though because you see them without the biological love tinted specs. Other children are always feral heathens 😂

[TableFlowerss]

And I can’t be bothered with other people’s kids either! I adore me own though

[MessAllOver]

The parents shout a lot and/or continually appeasing demands.

Well, that is one of the main choices you have to make as a parent. Appeasement (and then you wake up one day to find they've annexed Poland) or all-out war.

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

You will never love other people’s children like your own. You can’t! Grandchildren may be the exception for some.

I have two DDs. One is 7 and the other is 5m. My 7yo can be a small dictator sometimes but other times she’s the most generous, kind little person. She’s still learning how interact with others. It’s my (and DH’s) job to teach her. She gets it right for the most part.

My 5mo definitely does pinch and pull hair but she has no understanding that that hurts. She’s equally delightful though and has her own great personality already.

Other people’s children wind me up a lot easier than my own do. I’m a teacher so I generally really like kids but I don’t love my class like I love my own.

As PPs have said though, you don’t have to have children.

[Sooverthis1]

Haha, before I had dcs I was very much like "this will soooo not be me with my kids, my kids will be chilled because we are, we both love sleep so they'll be sleepy and if not we won't be putting up with any nonsense"....luckily I said this mostly in my head.....
I adore my children but they aren't controllable like the victorian-era children I had in my head. Also I didn't find it particularly challenging with one baby (one child was a walk in the park) but once we got to three kids and they are all talking and running around things have certainly got more hectic.
I adore my children, of course its exhausting and challenging , we didn't sleep for years and years and we are firm parents who love sleeping! It's a new life with kids. Me and my dh still give each other time, we go for a run alone, we have coffee in cafes, we have baths on our own, read books, watch films but when we are out with all three of course its busy and hectic and dealing with demands as they are children not adults so it's totally normal . Life is different to pre-kids , in our case it's much better but obviously much more tiring and our time is often not our own. I also am not one of these plp who "doesn't like other kids" as tbh i find ppl saying that horrible like who the fck would say "I don't like the elderly or middle aged women etc.."
I do think though you have to want to have children and yes you will live yours so much but it's also hard work and kids are kids.

[Calibrachoa]

‘it will be better when they’re at nursery/school/out of nappies/sleeping/grown out of xyz’

This is true. I found one baby ok but a baby and toddler really hard work. (Dd2 was a tiny dictator
They're teenagers now and lovely and quite easy which i wasnt expecting but I think I found it a lot easier once youngest was maybe 3 or 4

[Sooverthis1]

BTW my dcs are very well behaved, lovely manners and are so kind, we get nothing but glowunh reports from school, they are still hard work though when out and about and have huge amounts of energy. Both me and my dh have gotten fitter post kids though as we have to be..