My friend’s kids make me not want my own

[Undecided123456]

I may get called a witch for this, and judged as not being cut out for motherhood - can you give me some perspective?

I have a varied group of friends with kids of different ages (babies to early teens). I am thinking about starting a family but I am having serious doubts

More recently I have been spending time with friends with younger kids and as more meet ups are suggested I find I am not looking forward to them. The kids don’t listen, they are demanding and bossy, whiny and unreasonable. The parents shout a lot and/or continually appeasing demands. I know parenting is tough, so is this just how it is? Juggling small rude dictators? Or am I only seeing a particular way of life?

Recent meet ups leave me cold, there seems little joy in it all, just trudging through with ‘it will be better when they’re at nursery/school/out of nappies/sleeping/grown out of xyz’

Am I just a non maternal person, better off out of it?

I find that I don't like other peoples kids much..

My daughter is one of those unusual children! She loves rules, she loves routine and she loves structure.
I’ve never had to tell her off for the same thing twice. I tell her why it’s naughty, why she shouldn’t do it again...and she doesn’t. She’s never thrown a tantrum, never been in the naughty step etc.
Just a happy and well behaved child. But, I don’t want a second...because I’m sure the second child would be the devil! 🤣🤣🤣

@minipie

I love my kids, but in my next life I’m sticking to cats.

OP my advice on these should I have kids threads is always - don’t, unless you feel an overwhelming urge to have children, and therefore will not be happy without kids. If you feel you could be perfectly happy without kids, then go with that.

This is perfect advice

I think it’s other people’s kids. Yes I shout and demand and they are bossy and whiny. But when it’s other people’s kids it makes me think I hate kids 😂 but when they’re your own they’re your little crew

I'm going to get shot down for this but the thing I've discovered is that if you want to be your child's best friend you are going to have whiny kids. It's harder to say 'no' to a best friend. It's important to act a parent and have boundaries. Children will kick against it but that's normal. If our kids whined, we explained that they could whine as much as they liked - as long as they did it where we couldn't hear them. Didn't lock them in another room or anything, and they could come back at any time as long as they left the whine behind them. Worked for us and they knew it wasn't open to negotiation. Same with bad behaviour. I always thought it was reasonable to say "I tell you once. I tell you twice. The third time you will have a smack." (And it wasn't a beating - just a smack on a well padded bottom).. Being consistent and quoting the mantra meant that I hardly ever got to a third time. I'm great friends with my adult kids and my daughter once told me that she's trying to give her own children as happy a childhood as she had, so although I did masses wrong as a mum, my children weren't traumatised and I didn't have whiny kids.

some kids are worse than others and some parents are worse than others. yours may not be like that (or they may be worse).

theyre all little dictators for a small time but then they get really really cool. then they turn into ungrateful brats and then they leave and you get to see them for lunches where you take turns paying and then you get to be the fun grandparent. i would say go for it.

Have a look at how many people say they wouldn’t have children if they had their time again.

I didn’t have kids because my husband didn’t want to, it used to make me sad but I now realise it’s just a biological / social pressure and I’m actually much better off without them.

discipline plays a big part, some parents just dont bother enough, stick them in front of telly or tablet or phone and thats it, notice I say some

There's no guarantee of what you'll get and sometimes, it can go very wrong. I'd not chance it if I could go back in time. My DD doesn't want any after having to live with her brother, can't say I blame her.

I genuinely don’t think my kids would appear whiny or rude to our friends. We have high expectations of their behaviour and they generally meet them. It’s still bloody hard work and they annoy the hell out of me sometimes.

I generally find other people’s kids annoying and can only think of one other family whom I could bear to go on holiday with.

Children are little dictators because their brains aren’t fully developed. As they grow, they learn from you and you teach them consequence, and manners and etiquette etc and they generally stop being arseholes. My eldest is 4 and she’s an angel right now, but I’m sure she’ll go through a development phase soon and that will all change...again.

Some of the dictatoring is down to the child, but in most cases the parenting is a big part. If you want children, go for it, but do yourself a favour and read some books about child development and the infant brain - it will make you a better parent when you know why all this is happening and how to deal with it.

Honestly if I could go. Sick in time I wouldn’t have any. Saying that I live my kids but am rarely keen on other peoples, not even nieces and nephews.

*back in time

Ha I was so judgemental before I had my own children. What I would say is you are probably experiencing your friends trying to do something adult with their child in tow e.g. have a meal, coffee, nice chat etc kids usually are whingey and bored in these situations and to try and actually enjoy your coffee, chat etc you will probably try to appease them, bribe them etc. This is not representative of what your life or parenting is the rest of the time. This is why when parents meet up with kids it’s usually somewhere kid friendly so they can actually relax and enjoy themselves without the above. The rest of the time it’s better if you can schedule adult stuff when the kids are elsewhere!! Kids are hard work but incredibly fulfilling I just don’t see where else you would find that sort of fulfilment unless you do loads of charity work or similar.

I have nicely behaved children but I know they’re still annoying, because they annoy me and I love them. I’m always a bit suspect of people who “love” being around other people’s kids - probably unfair but I think of it as slightly virtue signalling...

I used to struggle tolerating everyone’s children but enjoy it far more since having my own. Also depends how much you’re around kids and whether you’re used to them. Before we had ours my husband would behave like they were dangerous dogs because he just had no experience of how to deal with them.

I put YANBU. However, if it helps, whilst I dislike other people’s children generally even family member’s children (I find them rude, entitled and annoying) I do love my own and would do anything for them.
I imagine other mothers feel the same about mine, as I know they can be irritating.

I get it though, it’s a big gamble when you can’t really know if it’s for you until after the baby has arrived.

The thing with having kids is you should really only have them if the thought of not having them is so devastating that it consumes your mind ALL THE TIME. Yes is like having to juggle the demands of a small dictator, and you often don’t like them very much....but you love them more than life itself. I say this after struggling with the homeschooling of a six year old, red headed, stubborn female, for the last year due to a pandemic.

Have you ever heard of the saying “kids are like farts... you can only stand your own”.

My friends have kids and some I like but I never had that sense of “they really make me want my own children”. My kids are total hooligans but they’re hilarious loving and perfect to me. They can also be mean, selfish and ungrateful at times but they’re young and still learning but it doesn’t stop me loving them. I think with other people’s kids it’s easier to pick out their faults because you don’t have that raw primal love you have for your own.

Agree with others that there is generally nothing worse than other people’s kids. Don’t use this as a reason for you not to have your own though! There are other more compelling reasons not to have a family but this isn’t.

I also think a lot of kids behave like total dicks during meet ups. Mine certainly does (or used to!) She’s lovely at home.

They tend to be like you, so you like them. I'm not a natural. But actually my teen has picked friends I like too now. But we did have to put up with some horrors when she was younger. I think people have different tolerances. Some ignore horrendous behaviour towards others, as long as they can use a knife and fork well. But they are a product of your genes and effort really. Having said that childhood is about learning things, so they don't pop out ready to hang up their clothes, eat their greens and remember their ps and qs. You are there to teach them these things and many more over the next 18 years.

Child literally are little despots who run their parents lives 100 %- there is very little joy until they are grown up and start to treat their parents well - if you aren't prepared for this it's completely fine not to have children - overpopulation is real and you will be richer freer and have a better life if you don't

I am the same OP, had the exact same thoughts. Put me off children altogether, I just couldn't take 'the risk'.

I am child free by choice, and have to say I love it.

I wouldn’t worry.... have never been a “maternal” person but my own daughter was totally different. At 12 we come to blows sometimes because I don’t know/understand anything, and I feel the urge to scream a lot. When pregnant I worried that I wouldn’t be able to do it at all, (really not comfortable with babies) but my mum said I handled it fine ( she has had 7) and to be honest my daughter at 2/3 was amazing I could have had a dozen of her ( bloody glad I didn’t now I’m having the teenage strops). You will cope because you have to, and the first three months can be hell, but if you get them in a proper evening routine it does help. I actually miss the days when my daughter would sneak into my bed.

Yeah, mine were like this and I also felt this way pre kids. I disliked having small kids as much as I thought, though we did have good times, too.

I actually apologised to my 16 year old for being a shit parent while they were small but she asserted that kids can be little shits, she and her little brother included. One of her friends has older siblings and is an auntie now and she is getting some insight into the reality of parenting toddlers