My friend’s kids make me not want my own

[Undecided123456]

I may get called a witch for this, and judged as not being cut out for motherhood - can you give me some perspective?

I have a varied group of friends with kids of different ages (babies to early teens). I am thinking about starting a family but I am having serious doubts

More recently I have been spending time with friends with younger kids and as more meet ups are suggested I find I am not looking forward to them. The kids don’t listen, they are demanding and bossy, whiny and unreasonable. The parents shout a lot and/or continually appeasing demands. I know parenting is tough, so is this just how it is? Juggling small rude dictators? Or am I only seeing a particular way of life?

Recent meet ups leave me cold, there seems little joy in it all, just trudging through with ‘it will be better when they’re at nursery/school/out of nappies/sleeping/grown out of xyz’

Am I just a non maternal person, better off out of it?

[cheeseismydownfall]

I think there are broadly three kinds of people.

People who like genuinely like most/all children
People who like their own children, but only a limited number (including zero) of other people's children
People who don't like any children

I think the majority of people, including parents, are in the second group. I know I am.

[FishWithoutABike]

You tend to be able to set the rules with your own kids. For example you might hate whining but don’t care if your kids are a bit cheeky.
However, mostly I think its just hormones or instinct. I look at my own kids and think they are genuinely the most adorable (even covered in snot) intelligent (even though the modern schooling system doesn’t appreciate it) kind (except when they are sleepy/grumpy/it’s a Wednesday) kids in the world.

[Ynwa12345]

small rude dictators hit the nail on the head! but as pps have said you love them! But yes get a dog instead!!!!!

[Robin233]

I never wanted kids- dirty , smelly and expensive lol
Then my younger sister had her first son. He was so beautiful.
Ds went in to have 2 more and my 2 were born at a similar time.
I love them all dearly.

[Avaganda]

It's shit but also great, which is odd Sometimes I do think if anyone else treated me how my children treat me I'd get a restraining order against them!

[Piglet89]

@WombatChocolate

You can also be the parent you want to be. Today, lots of parents are pretty permissive and do allow their children to be whiny rude dictators. If you're a parent, you do t have to allow that if it's not what you want. Stopping it requires quite considerable effort and isn't probably as easy as you might imagine. Lots of people choose to go for the short term easier life (appeasement) and to some extent, all parents pick their battles....some are just willing to engage with fewer than others. Plus of course children vary and some are easier than others.

This is one of the wisest, truest things I have read on this site. The realisation that, if you want to stop a child doing something, it’s often many, many tellings and teachings before they learn and obey. It’s bloody hard work. That’s why so much appeasement happens I think. And I have definitely had to pick which hills I want to die on!

[iklboo]

But yes get a dog instead!!!!!

Actually, get a cat. All the experience of an unreasonable, demanding, capricious, tantrumming, attention seeking manipulative creature, but slightly cheaper than a child.

[greeneyedlulu]

I read your title wrong thinking that you meant your friends kids were better than yours! Oops! However, yes kids can be arseholes but I find motherhood great, challenging but great none the less, much easier with my partner who is wonderfully more helpful than my first kid's dad, I threw him out when my son was 10 months old and to be fair, I'm lucky with my son, he is a good boy unlike some other little sods in his class. You don't have to have kids, not everyone has to have kids.

[Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov]

I'm lazy and selfish. I was a bit worried about this when I was expecting my first but I just kind of got over it for them. I don't look forward to seeing other people's kids but I adore my own. Other parents boundaries annoy me more than the kids tbh but at this stage I know enough to accept that my boundaries also annoy other parents so there's no one size fits all. I will say (with the exception of an amazing Gary Barlow concert I once went to, having kids were one of the few things in life that have truly lived up to the hype)

[ilovemydogandmrobama2]

You absolutely do not have to have children. It is a choice, and it isn't necessarily a natural progression from marriage to children.

Obviously there are lots of factors why people have children, from wanting them to not wanting to abort, all of which are valid choices, but if you won't want children, then that's fine too.

[Piglet89]

If I’m honest OP, if I felt like you did, I probably wouldn’t have kids. I am also the kind of parent who definitely needs some child free time every day and thankfully my husband is helpful in that regard!

[WednesdayalltheWay]

Your description sounds about right.
Tbh I have a lot of doubts whether I did the right thing becoming a mother. However I love my DD more than anything. What I disagree with is the idea that loving your child makes everything ok or means any other life is lesser.

You could do like me and just have one!

[Undecided123456]

Thank you for all the comments and feedback.

For those without kids, how do you find you are treated by others for your decision?

Obviously it is none of their business!

I have an older colleague (childless and single) who says she is treated differently as though she can’t possibly understand stress/multitasking/responsibility as much as parents do. Almost as though she is an odd outsider to the normal world and her experience is invalid...? Maybe she is projecting her own feelings though?

[isadorapolly]

I’m not sure I agree with the other posters tbh. I think if their kids are genuinely rude and naughty then it’s probably down to the parenting, but in general other peoples kids will always be more annoying to you than your own

[Itsjustaride8w737]

My DD is autistic, she can also be stubborn and a little selfish to be honest (teenagers eh) !

BUT... She is also a fantastic young lady, she shows me everyday just how capable she is. I love her more than life itself.
When she was younger yes times could be tough but having her wrap her arms around me made my day.

The love i felt for her when she was born is impossible to explain, I feel so lucky to have her in my life.

[dinotwat]

They are absolutely feral sometimes and they regularly drive me mad but it's so different with your own. I really struggle to enjoy company of other peoples little ones. Their whines and shrieks really piss me off, whereas my own don't bother me that much. It's weird!

[Usagi12]

Don't look at the other kids in your life, your own are completely different. Yes you have to put up with tantrums and the like but honestly you don't care when they're your own because the rewards you get back outweigh it. You don't see that part of it. When your child snuggles up to you and tells you you're the best mummy and they love you, you'd put up with 1000 tantrums. This coming from someone who really didn't want kids and then had a couple in her 40s. Wish I'd done it years ago.

Although of course, kids might really not be for you and that's ok. You'll know deep down just stop looking and being influenced by what you see around you to some extent, you don't need these external factors to decide if you would like to have children.

[user2021]

'Small rude dictators' isn't everyone's experience of small children. I had 2 under 2, it's relentless and hard work, but I was never hit, or had hair pulled, or some of the other claims on here.

I don't mind other peoples children either! Maybe I'm an anomaly 😬

[MysteriousMonkey]

Seems accurate to me, if I could go back in time I wouldn't have them. But not because they are small rude (wannabe) dictators* but because I love them so much and worry about them constantly. It's a lot.

• they are not dictators because there's only room for one in this house and it's me. I know this to be true because I tell everyone all the time

[Hankunamatata]

I dont like other peoples children. Never have. Knew I'd love my own which I do. Other peoples leave me cold

[Usagi12]

Btw I can't stand other people's kids but both my toddlers have had meltdowns this morning and that's fine. They're now asleep and I'm drinking wine in the garden so all good 👍👍

PS, DH here and he's not drinking at all 😉

[Forumqueen]

I can honestly say I don’t mind being around other people’s children. I actually like it....does that make me weird- didn’t realise how common it was to find kids so annoying. I guess maybe the kids I’m around are quite nice....

I do have my own and he’s definitely no angel. Ha! And I’ve struggled with the toddler tantrums- but there is just something about children especially the younger years - the innocence- the cuteness and they are incredibly funny!

[MustardMitt]

Every single person that has a child truly believes the mantra: my child will be different.

And they are. To you. But to others, yes they're just short rude dictators

Don't have babies if you don't want to, but don't NOT have babies because you worry you won't like them. I dislike all children apart from my own. I always thought that was normal!

[YerAWizardHarry]

My DS and DSS are both absolute dreams. My next door neighbours children are enough to make me want to reach through my abdomen and claw out my ovaries all children are different and that's a risk you take

[SillyLittleBiscuit]

I don’t have children and luckily I’ve never been questioned about it - or, if I have, I haven’t noticed. I’m not sensitive about the subject so may well have just brushed it off.
I like kids mostly (in small doses) but have never wanted one. Was a little worried that might change when the matter was taken out of my hands but the older I get the happier I am with my decision.
I’ll never be without a dog though.