My friend’s kids make me not want my own

[Undecided123456]

I may get called a witch for this, and judged as not being cut out for motherhood - can you give me some perspective?

I have a varied group of friends with kids of different ages (babies to early teens). I am thinking about starting a family but I am having serious doubts

More recently I have been spending time with friends with younger kids and as more meet ups are suggested I find I am not looking forward to them. The kids don’t listen, they are demanding and bossy, whiny and unreasonable. The parents shout a lot and/or continually appeasing demands. I know parenting is tough, so is this just how it is? Juggling small rude dictators? Or am I only seeing a particular way of life?

Recent meet ups leave me cold, there seems little joy in it all, just trudging through with ‘it will be better when they’re at nursery/school/out of nappies/sleeping/grown out of xyz’

Am I just a non maternal person, better off out of it?

[pictish]

Other people’s children are a pain in the arse. You tend to like your own.
It’s that simple.

[CookieClub]

Haha! It's okay to not want kids.

My children are the best thing to have happened to me, they've made me who I am today and I couldn't imagine my life without them. That's not to say I don't sometimes fantasise about free-time, lay-ins, meals out without spilt drinks, luxury beach holidays where you don't have to be on permanent guard for your kid trying to drown themselves etc....

If I'd known what I know now, would I have waited til later in life to have them YES...would this possibly have been even more of a shock to the system, also maybe YES. So it is what it is.

We try and enjoy it, but it can be a major shit show at times...!!

[TheNinny]

I felt the same way. Kids annoyed the hell out of me. Other people's - even family's - still do. But i have one DD and love her to death. She is my absolute world. I was never that maternal and worried I'd be a cold/shit mum but I adore her in every way. Shes in a bit of a clingy phase atm but it isnt too bad and my DH is pretty hands on so I dont have to deal with it alone. Childcare is also split between nursery and family and i work full time so i do get a break from the drudgery and can really enjoy my days off where I can spend some good quality time with just her, while also still being me. I dread the thought of having two though. Everyone i know with 2+ kids spends the whole time shouting, chasing etc and are exhausted. Seems to get worse as they get older too as they can resist more physically too are more verbal/shouty. There are days which can be difficult if teething etc but im so happy i decided to have one. I would've been happy without one too, as my concerns were the same as yours but glad i took the plunge as its added a layer of joy that's hard to describe. And im so grateful i have that in my life. The first 2 months i found really hard but it got so much easier at 6 months (maybe coz i stopped BF which was no walk on the park at first). From someone who was not really bothered about having kids, I'd recommend having 1 :) you can have a good life/work balance provided you have a decent partner who does an equal share. 👍

[RuralJuror]

Other people's children may as well be another species to your own. There is no comparison. Mine are angels and I would die for them, others are smelly, moany wee shites.

@Undecided123456 Perhaps these other children are better behaved when you are not there. They might not like sharing their mum's attention with you.

[Sugarandteaandmum]

How many families are we talking? And are they really all without exception appeasing and shouting, all the time?

[NoSausageRoll]

You probably aren’t seeing your friends children in their best light if they are being tagged along to non-child friendly activities and mum or dad is juggling an adult conversation at the same time. Also, there’s a lot of competitive my baby is worse than your baby at sleeping/eating/toilet training whatever as it’s seen as not the done thing to say you’ve got lovely children and are enjoying parenting .

[RuleWithAWoodenFoot]

All of those things are copeable with when you've had enough sleep and there isn't a pandemic going on. Because you love them.

They are irritating little bastards though. In general.

[Shufflebudge]

I don’t particularly like other people’s children but I wouldn’t say out of any of friends kids that any are awful at all. All are polite, pleasant and friendly. As is my child. Yes kids can be annoying but alternatively shouting at them and appeasing them will end up with problematic kids with bad behaviour. Sounds like your friends could do with a parenting course!

[ChristOnAPeloton]

“I dread the thought of having two though. Everyone i know with 2+ kids spends the whole time shouting, chasing etc and are exhausted.”

Noooo!

Having two close together (and that have similar interests and play well together of course!) is definitely the easiest combo in my experience.

I have a small gap between DC 1&2, and then a much bigger one between 2&3. It’s so much better when your kids have oven-ready playmates in each other, else they’ll pester you to go on the swings or play Barbie all day.

[TheCatWithTheFluffyTail]

Many people only like and tolerate their own children or perhaps their own relatives.

[crazychemist]

It’s really good that you’re thinking about this. Honestly, I think a lot of people jump into have children without thinking it through and then get a total shock! I’m always astonished to see threads where people realise how expensive childcare is - why wouldn’t you find out if you could afford it BEFORE you got pregnant? Having children is a really massive deal, it changes your life totally and shouldn’t be entered into lightly.

If you do decide to have children, thinking about it beforehand may mean you are better prepared and have a slightly smoother ride. If you don’t, maybe you’ll be happier with that decision if you’re more certain that’s what you want.

Lots of people are saying you love your own unconditionally. While it’s true that your own are less annoying than other people’s, it’s also ok to just not think it’s worth it. You don’t have to have children if you would be happier without.

[SmeleanorSmellstrop]

IME this is how it goes.

1. Childless, hate other people's kids, think it looks like a nightmare and wonder why people do it
2. At some stage, by accident or deliberately, get pregnant and worry a lot that you won't love the child as you don't like other people's children
3. Child born. Love them instantly

Sometimes difficult few months at first getting used to change but at some point that's suddenly over and realose you love them more than life itself and wouldn't change a thing.

[WombatChocolate]

You do feel differently about your own children. It is true.

You can also be the parent you want to be. Today, lots of parents are pretty permissive and do allow their children to be whiny rude dictators. If you're a parent, you do t have to allow that if it's not what you want. Stopping it requires quite considerable effort and isn't probably as easy as you might imagine. Lots of people choose to go for the short term easier life (appeasement) and to some extent, all parents pick their battles....some are just willing to engage with fewer than others. Plus of course children vary and some are easier than others.

So, when they are your own you will feel differently about them. And if you have strong views about how children should behave, you can think more about that and look into it and decide how you want to do parenting. At each stage of development there are different challenges with kids, and you can go with the flow and be led by them (some people will call this letting them be dictators) or you can have strong views and plan ahead for the how you will parent that phase or as it develops.

Lots of peoole aren't extremely keen on other peoples kids and find them annoying, especially when they don't have kids of that age. No hen you're in the middle of it yourself, you generally become a bit more tolerant to the difficulties of parenting and willing to accept not everyone does it as you might, but even then, there will be some you find extremely frustrating.

[JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]

Your kids will be exactly the same probably but you won't mind nearly as much because you'll love (and maybe like ) them. It is good to be exposed to 'real' families before deciding to have kids. I had a very deluded view of what life with children would be like and no as a mother I don't feel cut out for the job in the least. Truth be told if I had my time again I don't think I'd get married or have children

[MotherWol]

DC are also extra annoying atm (I include my own) because of the pandemic - closed nursery/school, extra screentime, parents trying to wfh with DC in the house, usual activities closed etc

This is definitely true. My DD is noticeably more whiny and tantrum-prone at the moment, and I run out of patience much more quickly and become shouty mum more than I used to. The last year has been incredibly disruptive in terms of loss of routine, activities and time with other children.

I’m hoping it’s just a temporary blip, but you’re probably not seeing your friends DC in the best light at the moment.

[problembottom]

It’s a huge sacrifice - you give up your life as you know it and you don’t get to put yourself first anymore. And yes they are pains in the arse a lot of the time! But when they’re your own kids you get that incredible unconditional rush of love that makes it all worth it. I thought I loved my nieces to death (all other kids annoyed the hell out of me tho!) until I had DD and then wow. So that balances it out.

[LunaHeather]

OP I didn't want children and was told "when your friend start having them, you will want them".

Not at all. it underlined the decision as being absolutely right.

My friends children aren't mini dictators but I still don't enjoy spending time with them.

A lovely child still needs everything you can give. If that's not for you, then cool.

[StormcloakNord]

Despite what a lot of people say you do have control over how your kids behave (disabilities aside).

I have always been strict on public behaviour and basically not acting like a little tw*t in public and as a result DD is quite nice to be around. She knows not to interrupt, waits to ask something, doesn't shout etc. Don't get me wrong she's no angel but (pre-covid) if I was meeting up with a friend she would get the "remember appropriate behaviour" talk in the car etc before meeting up and it would go a long way to mitigating really annoying behaviours that put people off wanting to be around you & your kid/s

[MrsKoala]

@SeasonFinale

My 3 are fine but other people's nah! Joking aside some friends' kids are nice too and others less so.

Honestly don't over think it. You are in (sort of ) control of how you raise your children. We have always set boundaries and bad consequences for misbehaviour and they seem ok.

I thought this till I had my 3. And while some things we seem to be able to control - like drumming in saying please and thank, you which my friends don’t think is that important but I really do. There are lots of things which are just part of the children’s development stage/personality that no matter what we do we have to deal with. Especially if they are not NT.

Our ds2 is extremely annoying, we hoped he’d grow out of it but he’s now 6.5 and it seems to be his personality whatever the reason. It bothers us and other people, but that’s just him. It’s very challenging. We love him dearly but being spoken over, whined at and dictated to is exhausting.

All of them have been tyrants in one way or another at different stages. I didn’t know any children before I had my own, neither did H. So it came as a massive shock. I think had I spent time with kids before I may not have bothered, because you don’t realise the love you feel is so strong it overrides the annoyances. If you aren’t connected to the children they would just seem like pointless angry drunk gnomes, falling over and shouting at you. Who’d choose to live with that? Not me.

[BigHandsomeBeast]

Yanbu, I didn’t really like children before I had them. You love your own though and feel fondness towards their friends etc so it’s different.

[AllTheFloralCurtains]

We're raised to believe that having children is inevitable - that it's the "correct" next life step.
But simply - it isn't. It can be a very strange thing to grapple with, but once you've accepted that it's okay to not have kids; you'll feel great.

I decided aged 27 I didn't want children (after 10 years of being a Nanny!) - it was a weird sensation because having kids is "what you're supposed to do", but it was the right choice for me.

[AllTheFloralCurtains]

Have a look at some of the many threads about being child-free, OP.
It's a completely legitimate, positive life choice.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I've voted YABU because you shouldn't let other people's children or parenting put you off!

I was a latecomer to motherhood, so I saw a fair few friends have their babies first, and saw a wide range of behaviour and parenting. I was also pretty ambivalent about ever doing it anyway! Some styles of parenting put me RIGHT off (including within my own family!) as it seemed to produce revolting behaviour in their children. Others seemed about right, and although the children had their moments, mostly they were pretty good.

I had Strong Views about how I was going to parent my own child(ren), some of which went out the window from day 1 and others of which I stuck to - but my children are generally considered to be pretty well behaved and polite and so on. They have their moments - especially the newly-minted teen just now - but in general they are pretty good (Just don't ask me to homeschool Ever Again).

One friend whose previous experience of children was her own nieces and nephews was particularly impressed with how good mine were (they weren't that good, just a lot better than her own relatives!).

So I would say that it's largely what you make of it - but you can't ever know what sort of child you're going to get ahead of time, so there's no point having concrete Ideas of how you'll do things, because it probably won't work. But mostly you do just love them so much that it makes up for the harder bits.

[MessAllOver]

Your concept of enjoyment changes after being a parent as well.

Pre-kids, it's fun to go out for drinks or long meals and have really nice, deep chats with friends. You have plenty of time to listen to each other and pay attention to each other's lives. You feel more connected with your friends.

Post-kids, there's lots of interrupted sentences and sympathetic glances as you scrape your injured, screaming child up from falling off the slide. But you've had a good time because you've managed to interact with another adult rather than being stuck inside with the mini-dictators for the whole day and you don't feel short-changed because neither of you has managed to finish a sentence. You understand that preventing the children from killing themselves/each other comes first .

It's when one of you has children and one doesn't that there is a disconnect. Different expectations from social interaction. Having children will change your expectations.

[LunaHeather]

PS my parents were the sort who liked kids generally, happy to play with or look after little cousins etc when they were little. I suspect it helps.

One friend called me in hysterical tears once because her toddler pooped in the bath. I was sympathetic of course. My parents were a bit "hang on, if you can't find the humour in that, is parenting a good idea?"

Boak. Anyway, my friend didn't have another! 😂